"Oh. Sigma stop talking to...is that a life size cardboard cut out of Paddy?"
"Zombie, back to business. Do we return the door or save Paddy first?"
I look at my watch.
"Seems about the right time for Paddy's quest. And I don't want to fuck that up for him. So, let's return the door I guess."
"Good, we were doing that no matter what you said, so I'm glad you agreed."
"Hello? Is this my quest now? I'm gonna get baked while I wait ok?" I get baked while I wait.
I pick up the cardboard Paddy that Sigma is staring at.
"Well, at least we have a temporary stand in. We can all take turns being Paddy."
"It was just so..realistic...."
I spam the artists tumblr account with pointless questions.
"Whats this door thing we need to return anyway?"
"It's something that Sis needs. Y'know. And because we're all good friends with her...uh...yeah."
You hear loud footsteps from the outside, walking toward the back of the room. You hear the pop of a trunk lid, and shield your eyes incandescent light floods the room.
"I thought I heard voices in here- Holy shit! How'd you guys get that small?!"
I shine my torch at the voice.
"The fuck are you talking about, guy? Where are we? What's going on? Where's Paddy? I will shoot Fake-Paddy if you don't explain!"
I draw a revolver and point it at the cardboard cut-out.
"Woah, woah, cool it. It's me!"
I just kind of stare down blankly.
"You still didn't answer my question. How'd you get in the trunk?"
I sit down and cross my arms. "Well this is great."
"A portal...saw...thing. Anyways, where's Sis? We kinda need to get this door to her."
The door is with Paddy.
"Look, I'll drive us back to the Mall and get you back to normal size. Just uh... Wait in the trunk I guess?"
I close the trunk.
I start pouring gasoline everywhere. Again.
I call Sister again.
"Yes and no. Paddy has it, but we don't have Paddy. We're also apparently really small now. We're on our way to the Mall right now."
I finish covering the floor/trunk in gasoline, and search my pockets for a box of matches.
"But we'll get it. Momentarily. If we can just work out a few...issues."
I find the match box. I pull out a match.
I kick Zombie in the nuts and grab the match box, crushing it.
"I'm not having your shit today, dude."
"Ow." I fall over, the match striking against Salt, lighting in the process, and landing on the floor. Everything bursts into flames.
"YOU SHIT! I'LL FUCKING TEAR OUT YOUR INTESTINES!"
"YOU'LL HAVE TO GET THROUGH MY COOKED FLESH FIRST!"
"OH I INTEND TO!"
I shove Zombie and start beating the hell out of him.
I smash a glass bottle of water at my feet, washing away the burning fuel in a small area around me.
"So, anyway, Sis, things aren't going too well."
I eventually die from the beating combined with the fire. I respawn behind Salt, and I pour a bottle of gasoline over him.
The beating/respawn/continued beating cycle continues.
"I'm sure the guys are doing something completely worthwhile in an attempt to find me and get the door to Sister."
I take a short breather in between hitting Zombie.
"Alright, we need to do something worthwhile to get this door to Sister, and by that means we must locate Paddy."
"Salt, the whole trunk is on fire."
I pull out another phone and call Paddy.
"Where are you guys? I can't see anything."
"We're in the boot of a car. All of us. We're small now because of some bullshit. Anyway, we need you because you have the door. So... I dunno, do you have a torch or something? Maybe you're in a room with a door."