"Something fucked up my gasmask and I can't see shit."
"Can't you take the gasmask off? And you seriously don't have a torch? At all?"
"The fucking up of the gasmask involved the mechanisms that keep it on my head despite all the shit I get up to. It's stuck. And I don't need a torch because I have night vision and a lot of fire."
"Then cut the gasmask off, and light a fire." I sigh.
"This thing isn't coming off any time soon until it stops being fucked."
"What the fuck is keeping it on?"
I poke my neck where the gasmask is clamped on. "Airtight mechanical pressure things. I taught myself engineering because drugs."
"Yes and no. Paddy has it, but we don't have Paddy. We're also apparently really small now. We're on our way to the Mall right now."
You can hear the smack of Sister's palm hitting her forehead.
"At least no one else can get their hands on it."
"Then remove them. Take a screwdriver, remove the clamps from the mask, then take the mask off."
"Well, we don't really know where Paddy is, because he's as blind as a person who clamps a gasmask to his head without a way to remove it in case of mechanical failure. So, someone else might find him and steal the door."
"You have no idea how well I taught myself engineering."
"I AM NOT GOING THROUGH WITH THIS DOOR BULLSHIT TWICE!"
"If you taught yourself well, it would be a cakewalk to disassemble the clamps."
I look over at Salt.
"Actually, it seems Salt wants to give up. And, uh... I agree with Salt. And New-Paddy agrees with me, because it's my turn to be New-Paddy. And since there are only two other people here, I'd call that a majority vote."
"Well...I meant as in if it gets stolen again. Y'know. Hypothetically speaking. At this moment I am still perfectly willing to search."
"Oh... uh... that's what I meant too."
"Because uh...why quit when you're this far? Right? Because you do these things for friends...yeah. Friends."
"Are you implying something with that unsure sounding 'sure' Trilby?"
"No, no. I was just... saying the word 'sure' like that... because I was... uh... thinking about how much I like you guys. Yeah, let's say that."
"Trilby man, we don't need any more tangled romantic geometry."
"Yeah, okay. I'll try to keep my lust restrained."
"Our lack of shippers thanks you."
The car stops in front of the Mall. I pop open the trunk.
"Alright, we're here. Try not to get run over."
"Is he in the Mall or what?"
"Fuck you, RaN. Fuck you so hard."
I hang up on Sister and Paddy, pick up New-Paddy, and climb out of the car.
I turn to Salt.
"Paddy can't see. He doesn't know where he is."
"WELL GIVEN HE CAN SEE I WOULD FIGURE HE MIGHT HAVE LOCATED HIM."
"Not my fault the only parking is across the street. Since you're so worried about it."
I captchalogue everyone and cross the street.
"So this is what hell feels like."
I look around RaN's modus. It's boring as shit.
I look at Salt.
"Eeeh, getting captchlouged isn't so bad. Unless he accidentally alchemizes two of us. In which case yes that would be bad. Luckily he doesn't have an alchemizer. I think."
I cup my hands and shout.
"YO! RAN! YOU HAVE AN ALCHEMIZER UP THERE?" I yell, whilst drawing Paddy V2 a dashing mustache.
"I'm totally going to alchemise myself some Mall Fighter gear. I want to see how shitty we make it."
"Shitty Mall Fight Gear would probably be like minus a billion grist."
I eject everyone from
WALLET. They hit the tile floor at a height relative to twenty stories, killing them on impact. The fighters respawn at normal height.
"Alright, so we're getting the do-We're finding Paddy now, right?"
"Wait a second, if all we needed to do was respawn, why did we need to be careful crossing the road? Hell, why did we even need to cross the road? Couldn't we have just swan-dived out of the car boot?"
"If you died out there and spawned in a gutter, I wouldn't stop to pick you up. I'm surprised fixing you was that easy."
"CAN WE JUST GET THIS GODDAMN DOOR AND GET THIS OVER WITH?"