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"I prefer that someone else do it over you."

"Nobody else did, though."

"Even then I prefer it to you doing it."

"Well, sorry."
I shoot Salt in the stomach again.
"There. Now it's like I never helped you."
I walk off.

"Note to self. Leave Trilby on next planet we go to."

"You of all people should know how well staying on a planet when the Mall leaves ends." I point out.

"I was secretly hoping the matrix would take priority and forget about you."

"And you wonder why I'm not trying very hard to not be a dick to you."

"Just because you're trying not to be a dick doesn't mean I have to be nice to you."

"Yeah, but if you're not nice to me, then what motivation do I have not to be a dick? Do unto others, or some shit like that."

"If you truly cared about becoming a better person, you wouldn't let it get to you. But this cycle of logic is just becoming recursive."

I get my stomach acid into a plastic cup and pour it on Trilby's face.

"Well, maybe I'm just not as thick-skinned as you."

I'm too far away for the acid to hit.

"Not being a bitch helps."

"See, it's comments like that that make me want to hurt you, both physically and emotionally."

"Your face made me want to do the same. But now that I'm blind, your horrid personality and general traits do the job much better."

"Christ will you two put a sock in it! It's like listening to an old married couple and I should know." Knife cuts in, interrupting Salt and Trilby's argument.

I superglue Knifes mouth closed and turn to Trilby and Salt.
"Oh no, please continue."
I eat some more popcorn and put on my 4D-specs.

"Yeah guys, you should really stop-SNEAK ATTACK!" I shoot Salt and Trilby in the stomach.

Paddy the Second:
I leap to my feet and clap my hands. "Right, tell me everything I need to know about these warlocks."

"They like to burn down our houses and take our women and children. Hence the fleeing women and children."

Well, gee. I could have told you that.

"Yeah guys, you should really stop-SNEAK ATTACK!" I shoot Salt and Trilby in the stomach.

Sister shoots you in the crotch with a paintball.

I collapse, clutching my stomach, then shoot myself in the head.
I respawn.
"Why, Zombie."

Knife rolls his eyes, then pulls his mouth open with a slight wince of pain. "Would you like a list Trilby?"

"Well fuck." I fall over.
"But...why not..."

"Married couple implies that our insults are at least on-par with one another. Which they aren't."

I weakly fire another paintball into Zombie's eyes.

I get up and stumble over to a pharmacy. I pick out an eye patch, and put it on.
"Wait...Could it be?"
I run to find the nearest mirror, and I see my reflection.


I saw Zombie's dick off while he isn't looking.

"Oh for fucks sake. Now you're head is gonna go in a fish tank. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED SALT?"
I slice Salts head off, grab it, and dump it into a big fish tank.

I respawn and cut Zomb's left arm off.

"That's not even accurate of the comics! It was his right arm!"
I cauterize the wound.
"Can I at least have a blood transfusion?"


I sit on a bench by Sister.

"...Next time, let's do something non-competitive."

"Fuck it, I need to go find something."
I walk off in search of a tank."

"...Someone who isn't visually impaired, barricade this place."

I walk in because Tommy wanted me to. There would be a music accompagniment but I'm probably not gonna be here for long. My first sight, however, is Salt and Sister and a bunch of failed barricades.

"...Well, looks like you've been active in my abscense!"

"...Is that a double entendre?"

"Yes. Now what the fuck happened here? I leave for like 3 months and all this shit went on! Christ, the Mall is standing and Firearms are unlocked, that's fucked up!"

"Paddy's gone, we lost the thing we were looking for, we went out on a date, and Zombie is trying to be the Governor."

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