Mall Fight RP: (CLOSED) (FINISHED)

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"..."

I gesture to myself and Diamond.

I find Salt and the Tulpa.
"Oh hey guys, man imagine stumbling onto you two here!"

"Wait who is this?" I ask about Diamond. "Oh god is this a date? Oh christ I'm sorry." My tulpa leaps for the door and falls through it.

"Wh-No, dude it's cool you can...fuck."

The tulpa sticks his head back through the door. "Yeah so I'm an idiot and I've never met you before." I say to Diamond. "Would someone please explain what's going on?"

"Man, I stumbled across you two at an awkward time too! Oh my, how unlucky!"

"...Where to begin?"

"About the time I left to do my quest maybe?"

"Well Paddy, Diamond be stealing your man! And you."
I turn to Diamond.
"Diamond, this guy, Paddy, he's been stealing your man preemptively!"

"Let's see...nothing....sort of was in relationship with Sister, but not really...the whole...gender ordeal...met Diamond...here we are."

"...Not a man, asshole."

"Yo dude, I be using it as a term to refer to you as a human being in general! I don't mean to refer to you as a male, but I can totes see the confusion yo!"
I slam a chili dog into Salts face.

"Congrats and then condolences for Sister, also I've been stealing nobody from no one, also Zombie." I slap Zombie. "Respect Salt's pronouns. Which are? Also hi Diamond nice to meet you I slept with Salt a couple times a while back. Also Salt I thought what we had was special!"

"...Brother, you broke us up like twice. I took the hint."

"When did I break us up? Also Brother?"

"Just a term. And let's see...the time you blabbed, the second time we banged...pretty much every instance."

"Oh snap. You see Diamond, this is why you should go on a date with someone with a lot less baggage and drama surrounding them! Like Sigma, or maybe Trilby."

"I never said I wanted us to stop."

"Hey, Zombie. Get the fuck out."

"Sorry dude. Not happening. Also, just regular feminine pros."

"I think Diamond and Sigma would make a wonderful couple though!"

I shove Zombie out the window and shut it.

"Anyways."

I shoot myself in the head, then respawn behind Zombie.
"It's a sad day when Sigma and I are examples of 'people without baggage'. If you're wondering how I heard that," I point at the open window. "Your voice carries. Yes, let's say that..."

I die and respawn behind Salt.
"You can never escape meeeeeee..."

"I guess I'll have to move on too." I radio everyone else (except Woon). "Hey is anyone DTF?"

Paddy the Second:
"Well will they stop now I've killed the warlocks?"

"Probably not, that was only two of them. They looked pretty new to be honest."

"Oh yeah, tell Sis that this was pretty much for the best."

I reopen the window and shove Zombie out.

I respawn beside Salt yet again, yet I push him out the window this time.

"UGH! Ok where do all the warlocks live? I may as well go kill all of them now."

I respawn in the apartment and calmly push Zombie outside before slamming the door.

"Now. Then."

"Salt, you are a terrible host. You haven't even offered us tea."

"So I guess I should leave you to it?"

"I'm not the owner of the apartment."

"I don't get what that had to do with anything."

I go up onto the next floor. I grab a massive novelty saw and cut a hole exactly above Salt. I jump down and land on top of him.
"Now, let's get the metaphorical party started!"

"There is no party. Get out."

Paddy the Second:
"UGH! Ok where do all the warlocks live? I may as well go kill all of them now."

"There is an old burial ground they used to visit from time to time. At the base of that mountain over there."

He points in the direction you came. You were just there last night.

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