Paddy the Second:
"How d'ya like these for firearms motherfucker?"
"Yes, good... GOOD!"
Its time.... With my vehicle complete, I drive out of the garage.
I respawn in the path of the pimped out ice cream truck. Diving through the windscreen I grapple with Ninja, before realising I'm heavily bleeding and being thrown out and into a shop window. I get myself a set of nunchuks (apologising for the probably incorrect internal spelling) and gaffer tape some knives to the business ends. I then attach them to ends of two katanas, which I chain together, I repeat the process and and run outside trailing blood and chains.
I stop beside Paddy.
"Want a lift?" While keeping my idle hand beside a concealed flamethrower.
I respawn, and start off to find some PVC piping.
As I run to the hardware store, I hear a car engine from below me. I look over the banister to see Trilby driving a Cooper through the hallways. 'That would be useful.' I thought.
I grab onto a hanging cloth decoration and swing down to land on the roof of the Cooper. "Hey Twilby!" I shout as I look through the windshield. and give him a wave.
"Think you can fool me with the old 'Need a lift in my heavily modded ice cream truck?' ploy do you?" I flail wildly with my new weapons, breaking glass, damaging metal and causing severe injuries to both me and Ninja.
I swerve the car in surprise. "GET IN AND DON'T MURDER ME!" I say.
I begin using a first aid kit in the glove compartment on my left arm. "Why did you do that?!"
I hop into the passenger seat.
"In case you were planning on using something like say, that flamethrower there. Now where do they keep the drugs in this place?"
I begin to fiddle with the radio, trying to find a station that plays half decent music.
"That was to stop you doing something like this! Anyway, I put painkillers beside the first aid there". MY arm patched up, I begin to accelerate.
"Do we have a target?"
I barely hang on as Trilby swerves the Cooper. As I recover, and slip into the passenger seat. "So... how's it going?"
I down more painkillers than is probably healthy and settle for a blues station turned fairly low.
"I don't know, I've never been here before. Do you know if this place has wi-fi?"
"Not well. This kilt itches... places." I say. "Also, we're in the Mall again. It's not a nice place."
"Scan for it, I think there's a signal. Last time I was here, things got crazy very quickly...."
I look around for anyone else.
"I presumed that when someone threw a copy of Mass Effect 3 at me before slipping over into a puddle of bleach. Also I'll need to stop off at an electronics store. Are you hungry? I'm famished, do you we have to eat the other guys or is there food here?"
I hang one end of a knife-katan-chuk out of the window.
"What's wrong with the Mall every now and then? I get tired of my Cloud fortress every so often..." I said to Trilby, a goofy grin on my face.
"Hang a right here, I want to get some potatoes."
With my new sword complete and go back to the mall, and to my surprise, I see a Cooper about to pass me. I shoot the front and back left tires with my nail gun.
"I can drop you off, no and you can use the restaurants to cook something".
"I'm sure I can do without for now. So you've been here before, what restaurant would you recommend?"
The Cooper starts swerving, so I re-purpose Zeph as an airbag.
"They're all in the same block, browse for what you'd like". I stop the van at the entrance.
I re-purpose my knee as a middle finger to Trilby's face...
"Thanks for helping out a first timer , I hope you don't hold this against me." I impale Ninja with one of my obscenely ridiculous weapons, and leap out. I run into a subway and fill some bread with every kind of meat, after heating it up I sit behind the counter and wash it down with a bottle of coke, then I eat too many cookies and feel ill. I run into the bathroom.
Other than the car that is about to do a barrel roll! (said it in Peppy's voice). It was quiet. So I headed over to the food court for my stomach started growling.
I respawn near the van. "Note to self, don't trust anyone here again." I grab the van and await an encounter in the car park.
I wake up in the car park and see ninja parked up in his awesome ice cream van.
If there was something my mother always used to say its that you can always trust strange men in ice cream vans. With anything.
I'm sure ninjamedic will be no different. I wonder if he wants to be my friend? he can give me ice cream!
I run up to the ice cream van at full pelt screaming at the top of my lungs. It is called I scream after all. What fun we shall have!
I leave my thinking room a second time to find everyone driving vehicles. "Why don't I have one?" I say angrily. Then I notice a cooper swerving towards me. I dive out the way and run to the food court to stock up on food. On my way I see Grim. "Hello, old friend. We have some catching up to do. How's your neck feeling?" I say as I throw my poisoned tomahawk at him.
Hearing violence outside the door i look at my watch and realise just how long I've spent vomiting. I wash my hands and exit, making eye contact with Zombie. I throw one of my Ludicrons(TM) at his face, it spins through the air, slapping him with multiple chains and cutting his face, I leap from behind the counter with a breadknife and challenge him to a duel.
Torn between continuing to attack Grim to finish the job, or attack Paddy, I finally choose the latter. Grim probably won't be able to withstand the poison, and even then he'll probably die of blood loss. I accept Paddy's duel, and throw my other tomahawk at him, with dead on accuracy.
I precisely parry the tomahwak. The thin metal f the bread knife shatters and the tomahawk hits me full on in the chest.
I fall down dead.
"Can I help you?" I remain at the ready, lest he attempt to get off a cheap shot like Paddy.
The tomahawk hits my sword-shoulder, "You always were a bastard" I said. I then shot a burst of nails into Mini's head before I fell to the floor dead in my own pool of blood.
I yelp as the nails stab into me. None hit anything essential, but one hit my ear and another gashed my cheek. I try to remove the nails and bandage my wound before retrieving my axes.
I spawn on a couch in a porn store. My sword, a black bladed Jian, sits sheathed on the floor next to the couch. I am asleep.
I wake up surrounded by drugs, fairly certain this store isn't legal. Then I remember just where I am. I fill my pockets; feeling my mp3 player, whose presence I had forgotten. Walking past a porn store i see a figure reclined on a couch. I stroll in, averting my eyes from the wares, and garrote the sleeper to death.
I pick the sword up from the floor and swing it around in my hands. Walking out into the corridor and stick a joint in my mouth, hesitating at the noise of violence in the distance for a second, I light it and walk away, singing.