Zero Punctuation: Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars

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oh you know you love the DS. It just beeeeeeeegs to be touched. And it has all the Phoenix Wright games.... I'm an addict.

I'm a little confused. Did he like the game or not? He seemed to praise it a little at the end but I'm still left confused as to whether he thought it was overall good or overall bad or average.

Personally, I really liked the game, though he's right that the DS touch screen is sometimes a bit overused. (and darn it, I did hate those toll booths too)

bjj hero:
Theres a reason GTA didnt really take off till 3, the top down thing is awful.

No. The top-down view was part of it, but the reason it took off with GTA3 is the simple fact that GTA3 was a large improvement on the previous games in a lots of ways (i.e. they developed the sandbox gameplay)

Lord_Seth:
I'm a little confused. Did he like the game or not? He seemed to praise it a little at the end but I'm still left confused as to whether he thought it was overall good or overall bad or average.

He felt the game is just ok, but certainly nothing he would kill for.

Steven Kyzburg:
Personally I don't see how you can have anything on the DS other than the good old Pokemon up, down, left,right zig zag movements.

true.

Guys, can you help me out fixing the transcribe? I missheard words in [], and probably made other mistakes.
***
After the world shattering television executive frightening success of GTA 4 it seems you can bring out GTA brand easy bake ovens and still get an investment back, but still a GTA exclusive to the DS - fevered frog spawn chewing madness. That would be like releasing a Dead Space rail shooter on a Wii.

In all seriousness we'll, probably, be going to be seeing a lot this sort of thing with a monkey of economic crisis still clinging to everyone's backs [tickly] eating all the bananas. It's more bankable for studios to make more games for wide spread systems. They practically give away DSes with a Sunday paper and I'm pretty sure that there are more homes with Wii than with central heating, so here we are. Perhaps, this period in gaming will at last make Wii actually worth two shits. I doubt it, though, - you can shovel diamonds into turd and it'll still be a turd, just momentously more painful to produce.
The DS, meanwhile, is not a turd. [It got things too with a low sharp corners] it's just a kind that does it's own thing. It does it well, but GTA is from a different world.

Chinatown Wars is therefore a bastard offspring of two forbidden lovers form two warring families tragically shot dead, while trying to elope by a hired gun played in this drama by myself. Too late, sadly, to prevent the child being born and coming out a little bit malformed.

Chinatown Wars returns us to the liberty city of GTA 4, albeit missing Alderney. But it took too long to open up Alderney, so no one cares.
And todays [career] sociopath with astonishingly good lawyers is Huang - a spoiled [witch] Triad kid with a dead dad, arriving in Liberty City to get embroiled to a family business.

With a top-down presentation similar to the original 2D GTAs - China Town is a nostalgic callback to when a series were simplier, cartoonier and not as good. Yes, GTA only became a truly terrifying money spinner once it went 3D, because top-down 2D is full of inherent problems - you can only see about 2o feet in front of you, also known as "Metal Gear Solid henchman syndrome", and there are a lot of beyond that twenty feet border you need to worry about.

Virtually every time I jacked a car I get an instant one-star-level, because I couldn't see a cop directly behind me helping an old lady across the road. And then there are tall gates back from GTA 4, just in case they didn't completely get on your tits the first time around. And they are almost invariably at the end of the long high-speed strait, so I lost count of how many times I accidentally sped right through and earn myself another big fat wanted star.

The limited visibility is also not helped by a camera, that appears to be mounted at the back of [drunko beastmen] on a Segway. Lurching sickeningly about when you trying to made God-awful targeting system lock on an enemy and not, say, on unarmed man on the other side of the wall on the [hab redies].

You my be unsurprised to hear than that the game is frustratingly difficult, in which case prepare to be surprised - because it isn't. I breezed through all the missions on a rocket surf-board and rarely had to attempt anymore than once. The simple reason for this is that all that professional game-reviewing has finally paid me off and I just naturally good at everything now. But less whackious reason is that the enemy AI is crap.

Everyone with a gun seems to be afraid that using it fill offend the neighbors, when the police is after you, there is a mechanic where you can shake them of by getting them to smash into things. And really all you have to do is drive along the straight road very fast and they will do the work for you! It's like they've got brick -wall-magnet mounted to their bumpers. Alternatively, just use the respray -shop, of course,they won't do their job if there're cops around, so the technique I discovered was to park around the corner, wait for every cop car in the area to huddle around the nearest lamppost than [tickly] floor it to the garage doors, while they are busy disentangling their necks from the [steering columns].

One of the unique points is the drug-selling system. And really pick any commodity trading element from any game and replace the names with a censor provoking ones and the way we go - find who sells cheap, buy it all up and flog it to whoever buys dear. 30 GOTO 10. You can do this whenever you can, because doing the actual missions pays slightly less than wending cardboard boxes to the homeless. And you need all the money you can get; for when the cops catch you on the dozy morning and take all your favorite weapons away.

Fortunately, the drug trade has it's own underground stock-marked that ticks hot investments tips directly to your PDA, so making thousands upon thousands in a single deal is incredibly easy. The more patient player than I can probably spend an hour or two trading around than end up with enough money to buy all the safe houses in the game and invite all the gangs to the grate big pool-party.

It seems that the weird thing about Chinatown Wars so far is that all it's faults are balanced by it's other faults: stupid enemies compensate for shitty controls, the easiness of trade compensates for it's banality. All that faultiness mixes together to create something half-way decent in the middle. It's almost prodigious in it's retarded genius.

The writing is not as tallow as GTA usually is - characters feel interchangeable and arbitrary drops self-consciousness and references to sexual perversion into the dialog for no better reason than trying to hard.

But for what I've gathered I'm the only person who gives a shit. I think my biggest problem is the whole DS thing. It seems when you agree to develop for the DS or Wii, Nintendo makes you sign a contract agreeing to throw at least one irritating out of place touch-screen gimmicky Wii-mode waggle. So, being a good little whore, Chinatown Wars breaks things up frequently with an occasional bit of the touch-screen flappery, like hot-wiring cars or throwing Molotovs.

Nothing wrong with it in it self, but since the movement controls use the buttons you have to be constantly fumbling for the stylus or just to use your thumb and live [tee-tow] dust all over the screen. The DS works when you exclusively use either control system, but switching between [when the movement nose eats?] isn't good for my poor arthritic controller ruined fingers.

Just because you can something doesn't mean you should: I can use the syringe to remove the fillings of my [cabbary screen] and I can replace it with the Branston Pickle, but it wouldn't be a good idea. At least I don't think so. Hold that thought.

No, it really isn't.
***

How odd, the delivery in the first half of the review was really stilted. I was laughing by the end though so all is well.

beemoh:

CMWaters:
Incidentally, I do think there are SOME games that impliment both standard control scheme and touch screens. "Super Princess Peach" is one (and yes, I am a guy and I like that game. So sue me.) "Sonic Rush" and "Sonic Rush Adventures" used it well too, really only using it for the chaos emeralds or seaboard missions respectively.

Agreed- I think it depends on what it expects you to do with both- while the touchscreen-as-analogue-stick thing has never worked and will never worked, Mario 64 DS- on launch day managed to mix both stylus and buttons by having both sets of buttons perform the same action. Picross and TWEWY can also be added to this list.

In fact, I'm guessing the DS is symmeticial for a reason...

Agreed on your agreement.

A good example of using touch screen and controls wrong...some game for the DS based on a Cartoon Network show I never watched where people race on the backs of dragons. From the X-Play review of it that I saw, during a race, you had to use the control pad, the buttons AND the stylus almost simultaniousluy.

Another one of his reviews in which I disagreed with what he said but still found it to be hilarious.

That takes talent.

That was as some people said unexpected. It was still awesome and I loved the end. =)

I was surprised he even touched this. Doesn't he usually avoid Nintendo reviews?

what if you inject the creme egg with jam? strawberry or rasberry

i knew he wouldnt like the egg well atleast we learned something
hold that thought..

hey i thought yahtzee hated remakes...yet he wants gta london back, tut tut mr croshaw

The end is the best, "No it reallly isn't" MADE MY DAY..... But then agian when doesn't he???

Oh and just in case it slipped passed the net of any other Elite fans out there. A Russian mod team have recoded and updated Frontier First Encounters.

http://forums.frontier.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1084

Wow he represents my feeling fully. I saw a different reviewer who took all these parts of the game that sucked and told us that's why it's good. They said the overhead crappy camera 2-d style was good. It's not GTA is about nothing without realism, and 3-d is realism. They said the autolock gun that obviously has flaws was good. They said the bad AI is good. Yhatzee doesn't and i appreciate the honesty.

Replacing the filing of a cream egg with branson pickle, hummm perhaps if you used tomato sauce you wouldn't be having this problem.

skfd:
G
After the world-shattering television-executive-frightening success of GTAIV it seems you can bring out GTA-brand easy bake ovens and still get an investment back, but still, a GTA exclusive to the DS - fevered frogspawn-chewing madness. That would be like releasing a Dead Space rail shooter on the Wii.

In all seriousness we're probably going to be seeing a lot this sort of thing. With the monkey of the economic crisis still clinging to everyone's backs cheekily eating all the bananas it's more bankable for studios to make more games for widespread systems. They practically give away DSs with the Sunday paper and I'm pretty sure that there are more homes with Wiis than with central heating, so here we are. Perhaps, this period in gaming will at last make the Wii actually worth two shits. I doubt it, though - you can shovel diamonds into turd and it'll still be a turd, just momentously more painful to produce.
The DS, meanwhile, is not a turd (a good thing too with all those sharp corners), it's just that it kind of does its own thing. It does it well, but GTA is from a different world.

Chinatown Wars is therefore a bastard offspring of two forbidden lovers form two warring families tragically shot dead, while trying to elope by a hired gun played in this drama by myself. Too late, sadly, to prevent the child being born and coming out a little bit malformed.

Chinatown Wars returns us to the liberty city of GTAIV (albeit missing Alderney, but it took too long to open up Alderney, so no one cares) and today's career sociopath with astonishingly good lawyers is Huang, a spoiled rich Triad kid with a dead dad, arriving in Liberty City to get embroiled in the family business.

With a top-down presentation similar to the original 2D GTAs, China Town is a nostalgic callback to when the series was simplier, cartoonier and not as good. Yes, GTA only became a truly terrifying money spinner once it went 3D, because top-down 2D is full of inherent problems - you can only see about 20 feet in front of you, also known as "Metal Gear Solid henchman syndrome", and there are a lot of things beyond that twenty feet border you need to worry about.

Virtually every time I jacked a car I get an instant one-star-level, because I couldn't see a cop directly behind me helping an old lady across the road. And then there are toll gates back from GTAIV, just in case they didn't completely get on your tits the first time around. And they are almost invariably at the end of a long high-speed straight, so I lost count of how many times I accidentally sped right through and earned myself another big fat wanted star.

The limited visibility is also not helped by a camera, that appears to be mounted on the head of a drunk obese man on a Segway, lurching sickeningly about when you're trying to make the godawful targeting system lock onto an enemy and not, say, an unarmed man on the other side of a wall, on the Hebrides.

You my be unsurprised to hear than that the game is frustratingly difficult, in which case prepare to be surprised because it isn't. I breezed through all the missions on a rocket surfboard and rarely had to attempt anymore than once. The simple reason for this is that all that professional game-reviewing has finally paid me off and I'm just naturally good at everything now, but the less vacuous reason is that the enemy AI is crap.

Everyone with a gun seems to be afraid that using it will offend the neighbors, when the police is after you there's a mechanic where you can shake them off by getting them to smash into things, and really all you have to do is drive along the straight road very fast and they will do the work for you! It's like they've got brick wall-magnets mounted to their bumpers. Alternatively, just use the respray shop. Of course, they won't do their job if there are cops around, so the technique I discovered was to park around the corner, wait for every cop car in the area to huddle around the nearest lamppost then cheekily floor it to the garage doors, while they're busy disentangling their necks from their steering columns.

One of the unique points is the drug-dealing system. And really, pick any commodity trading element from any game and replace the names with more censor-provoking ones and away we go - find who sells cheap, buy it all up and flog it to whoever buys dear. 30 GOTO 10. And you're going to have to do this whenever you can, because doing the actual missions pays slightly less than vending cardboard boxes to the homeless. And you need all the money you can get for when the cops catch you on a dozy morning and take all your favorite weapons away.

Fortunately, the drug trade has its own underground stock-market that tickers hot investments tips directly to your PDA, so making thousands upon thousands in a single deal is incredibly easy. A more patient player than I could probably spend an hour or two trading around and end up with enough money to buy all the safe houses in the game and invite all the gangs to a great big pool party.

It seems that the weird thing about Chinatown Wars so far is that all its faults are balanced by its other faults: stupid enemies compensate for shitty controls, the easiness of trading compensates for its banality. All that foulness mixes together to create something halfway decent in the middle. It's almost prodigious in its retarded genius.

The writing is not as stellar as GTA usually is - characters feel interchangeable and arbitrarily drop self-consciousness and references to sexual perversion into the dialogue for no better reason than trying too hard.

But from what I've gathered I'm the only person who gives a shit. I think my biggest problem is the whole DS thing. It seems when you agree to develop for the DS or Wii, Nintendo makes you sign a contract agreeing to throw in at least one irritating out-of-place touch screen gimmick or Wiimote waggle. So, being a good little whore, Chinatown Wars breaks things up frequently with an occasional bit of touch-screen flappery, like hotwiring cars or throwing Molotovs.

Nothing wrong with that in itself, but since the movement controls use the buttons you have to either be constantly fumbling for the stylus or just use your thumb and leave Cheeto dust all over the screen. The DS works when you exclusively use either control system but switching between them at a moment's notice isn't good for my poor arthritic controller-ruined fingers.

Just because you can have something doesn't mean you should: I can use a syringe to remove the filling from a Cadbury's Creme Egg and replace it with Branston Pickle, but it wouldn't be a good idea. At least I don't think so. Hold that thought.

No, it really isn't.

Fix'd because I'm a correctionist sod and because you asked someone to.

I find it a bit annoying when Yahtzee starts to sound like he can speak for everyone. If you're going to review, you need to acknowledge that it's just your opinion. I don't always agree with him, but I find him funny and like to hear his thoughts. But in this review, just like others such as Mirror's Edge and Resident Evil, it borders on sounding like his opinion is the only one. You may think a game was bad, but that DOESN'T mean that popular opinion says it's bad. Quite the opposite, for all applied.

Then again, I guess maybe the part of Yahtzee's charm is that he's arrogant. It still makes me grind my teeth, though.

Loved the last part of that with the Branston Pickle and the cream-filled egg.

Another great review Yahtzee, I'm looking forward to next weeks.

Zand88:
Then again, I guess maybe the part of Yahtzee's charm is that he's arrogant.

Yep, thats certainly part of it.

Loved the review!

He makes a lot of good points, and they're all true, though I really like this game (a heck of a lot more than the PSP games) despite its flaws.

I like how he bashes the wii/ds for the first half of reviews on the systems. It's a valid point that any game would instantly be better if it was made for a real gaming system rather than shovelled out like so much crap just to sell more.

HD, true surround sound, real multiplayer, real controls, and enough processing power to actually run the game for starters. All factors that DS/Wii don't have.

This game even left 2d would still have been better on PSP, and a ton better had it been a downloadable game for PS3 or 360.

It's a shame developers waste time on the Wii/DS that would be better spent on real systems

I would like to see the video of Yahtzee actually trying to remove the filling of a creame egg with a syringe. :>

Snoopster:

I'm all with you apart from one thing, ever played metroid prime hunters on the DS?

Yes, the controls sucked. They used the touch screen for far too much. Yes it was pretty precise for aiming which I enjoyed, but turning any more than like 90 degrees meant you had to lift the stylus off the screen (making you now vulnerable to attack) to start from the other side. It jumped a lot when you didn't want it to, and didn't jump a lot of the times you did want it to. Plus it had on screen buttons that would accidentally get hit during the aiming process.

Touch screens do not control anything but menus well

Thanks for the weekly Wii bashing supplement. Needed that.

Love the way people have to quote bits of the video to prove they have watched it and to avoid being banned at the beginning of ZP Video Threads.

Wasn't the best ZP I've watched but I agree about the controls being a bit iffy.

GTA branded easy bake ovens :D
sounds like something a very desperate company would do.

Anyway as always a good ZP the egg bit near the end was funny as well.

I have a Ds but the only game I ever liked was Mario Cart and even that wasent very good. Now for the past year my DS is sitting in the back of my closet gathering dust.

Great review as usual.

I wasn't aware that this was released. Oh well, hilarious as usual.

Awesome. The The long tone was a B, which is the same key as the Zero Punctuation theme music. Nice touch!

It was a good review, and Yahtzee's right. Somehow, a game with many faults still ends up being good.

Fun game though.

I wonder...what would happen if Yahtzee tore apart Pokemon Platinum? Hmmm...

funny, i thought that yahtzee and the DS would have been love at 1st sight. meh

Actually, this review makes me wonder if a DS port of the original Command & Conquer would work...

Oh, and sorry to hear about the failure of the pickle-egg.

Patrick_and_the_ricks:
I never expected him to do this, when I saw it it got me exited. (watching it in another window)

Edit: Wow, I'm surprised he didn't like it. I for one loved Gta: China town wars.... Still thats his opinion, even so I don't think filling a choclate egg with branston pickle is a good idea.

Edit...again: Every above me got banned, see I wanted to get one of the first posts so my opinion would be heard not for the first post bull. Why do people try to get first post? And when they do instead of using for a valid opinion they just yell first! or I'm and idiot for posting 30 seconds after a 5 minute video was released.... I'd like to see the day were the ban hammer doesn't fall on anyone in a Zp forum.

Your surprised he didn't like it? Have you ever watched zero punctuation? He doesn't like anything,

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