Escape to the Movies: G.I. Joe - The Rise of Cobra

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I'm sorry Bob, but you're a fucking idiot. Yes the film was fun, but it was perhaps the dumbest film of the year. The characters and story look like they came out of a cereal box, the film rips off loads of other sci-fi films, the CG is terrible, some of the dialogue and acting is atrocies. But I will agree with you that it doesn't take it's self seriously, which was one of the reasons why it better (but only by a bit) than Transformers. A lot more effort and thought has been put into Star Trek, and as a film altogether (acting, directing, action etc.) it manages to be a much better film than GI Joe, and you still have as much fun. It appeals universally, not only to it's fans, but to the general public too, while GI Joe is just a silly fun popcorn blockbluster, that's based of a silly, fun, army-propaganda fueled, cartoon show.

Good review. I'm glad someone was nice to this movie.

I concur, I WISH I had this much fun with Transformers. Good-ole fashion action movie. That is something you can expect from Stephen Sommers. The one thing I wanted to point out was the, "phoning it in" acting. I agree that most of the actors, especially Channing Tatum, did a so-so job but the one actor who definitely made a presence was Byung-hun Lee who played Storm Shadow. I thought he did a great job with the character and gave a lot of definition to him when he was on screen. I really want to see more of this guy in America.

Its a good action flick. Dont expect a deep plot and remember wich audience G.I. Joe was intended for: teenage boys. Explosions, gadgets, babes and ninjas. What more do you want?

The only thing i agreed with bob about is that this movie seams to have been written by elementary school children. plot, ridiculous... but that's a given for this movie so I'm not going to complain about that too much. characters, the good guys don't seam to care about human life, the bad guys don't seem to care about anything, and the only truly evil person in the movie wasn't even really set up until the last 5 minutes of the movie.

everybody in the movie seamed far too stupid and single minded to ever be trusted with a butter knife let alone super weapons. (except snake eyes, he graduated to steak knife, and fittingly that's all he used in the movie)

the biggest problem i had with the movie was its complete disregard for common sense, or the laws of physics. over the top action movie is fine, an over the top action movie that constantly relies on complete stupidity to increase the level of action and conflict... i just cant get behind.

I completely disagree with your James bond comparisons. international espionage action movies are supposed to be about abstractly believable good guys and bad guys outsmarting each other, with odd but possible weapons and gadgets, in extraordinary situations. this movie is about absurdly unbelievable good guys and bad guys out-dumbing each other, with stupid and impossible weapons and gadgets, in ridiculous illogical situations. this is strictly a child's movie that is being marketed to adults. this is exactly what you would get if spy kids had gone for a pg-13 rating and had less mature characters. (OK that was a little harsh)

so let me break this down.

!!!SPOILER RANT ALERT!!!! stop reading if you give a shit.
just to point out how generic and ridiculous this story line is i will not be using specific names.

fist frame of the movie: "In the not to distant future." this automatically means its ok to MST3K the movie, even on opening night.

first action scene: transporting the worlds deadliest new super weapon by ground, guarded by about 20 squishably soft foot soldiers, on a single lane road through uncontrolled territory, fallowed by helicopters.
-why are we developing super weapons in uncontrolled territory? why are there only a few soldiers transporting them by ground when we have helicopters? The weapons have more destructive potential than hydrogen bombs, so why are they all in a small easily steal-able suitcase?


Good Guys show up just in time... Good Guy commander throws security to the wind and explains everything to the only surviving foot soldiers... takes them to the base then explains even more.

Flash-back explaining the characters.

Training montage.

the Good Guy Commander puts the massively destructive warheads (more powerful than hydrogen bombs) in his office safe. obviously most generals are allowed to keep doomsday weapons in there office safe, since that must be the safest location in the worlds most advance military underground base.

...they get stolen...

Flash-back explaining the characters.

...stolen by the people who manufactured them...

Flash-back explaining the characters.

... those Bad Guys then have to break into a "particle accelerator" to "weaponize" the "weapons" that they manufactured. you would think they would be able to activate the weapons they built without having to inundate the audience with bullshit scientific lingo and an excuse to go to "Large European City" and have an action scene.

they kill some scientists.

luckily good guys forgot to bring a helicopter, again, so it turns into a foot vs car race to the "National Monument"...

the "National Monument" is destroyed, the "Large European City" is saved.

Bad Guys kidnap the Main Character who activates the homing beacon revealing the location of the Bad Guy base. (under the polar ice caps.)

Flash-back explaining the characters.

Bad guys fire the warheads... while all the Good guys are staring at them, the ninja shoots one of them with a missile. good thinking ray park ( hiding your face and not talking throughout the entire movie).

their is an underwater submarine battle. every submarine that gets hit spirals out of control and explodes. (instead of coming to a quick stop and gently floating away as the laws of physics would dictate.) we need underwater battles to look like space battles. the creators obviously didn't want to get caught doing anything realistic or new.

bad guy commander gets caught monologing .

untrained foot soldier has a dog fight with an ICBM at "Mach 6" (luckily only trained pilots in G-suits liquefy when they take sharp turns at "mach 6")

bad guy doctor gets caught monologing about a -Flash-back explaining the characters.

bad girl is being brainwashed and good guy Un-brainwashes her with the sheer force of his machismo.

Flash-back explaining the characters.

submarine chase through ice caves.

the self destruct makes the ice cap sink and crushes the bad guy base... (because ice sinks)

the actual bad guys from the actual toys and comic book are finally introduced and immediately imprisoned.

ridiculously predictable twist setting up franchise sequel.

credits role, you wake up and walk to the theater parking lot, dreaming of watchable movies, and wondering how this movie got away with showing no less than 4 people being impaled and 2 people get cut in half, but Terminator: Salvation didn't show a single person die on camera.

For a movie that I expected to resemble something that comes out my back-end, I'm actually waffling on whether or not I want to get the DVD when it comes out. The movie wasn't anything Oscar-worthy, it had a shoddy story and cheesy acting, but dammit, I went to the theater to see an action movie, and that's exactly what GI Joe was. I was able to keep from getting bored during the approximately 2-hour duration of the movie, so while not great, it certainly doesn't have me regretting that $9 movie ticket.

This review, like the movie sucked. I've got no problem with turning my brain of for a minute and watching some action scenes to put me back in the mind set that I'm watching a toy commercial on the big screen. But this movie takes that even that amount of ground I'd be willing to give and shits all over it. Snake Eyes was the only good character in that movie. I didn't give a shit about Duke or Baroness, nor was a fan of them butchering Storm Shadow. Transformers might've been catering to a more jock audience but at least it had the brains to put money behind the presentation. If that movie was dumb for abandoning it's already convoluted origins, than G.I. is stupid for trying to force feed you how fucking cheesy and stupid it was as a cartoon show.

This movie was a piece of shit.

I admit it, I'm shocked.
Thanks for the disclaimer.

From what I saw of the trailer, it was just tits, guns, and bad punchlines (from yours truly, that Wayans brother), but I guess the sum "works", however impossible I thought it would be, to both me and especially you.

I very much enjoyed G.I. Joe.

this movie re-cemented the fact that going by the mass media meta-score or the trailer is simply judging a book by its cover. shat all over transformers 2, and when you consider the only real thing star trek had going for it was it's action, THIS film pwns it too. (I think the only real reason I preferred star trek is because of my fascination with space)


*awesome awesome rant*

Agree completely with you... too bad I didn't read your post before going to see the fucking thing... God it sucks.
I went with high hopes seeing Bob recommended it, Bob tends to exaggerate with his "good reviews", happened before with Punisher: War Zone.
I'll never trust Bob again. I still love his reviews and his rants as the Game Overthinker, but never again will I respect his good reviews.

I saw it I don't like it, I hated all the needless plot dickary Storm shadow and Snake eyes brothers(annoying but not stupid),Duke bring ex friends of Cobra commander and the baroness(stupid) the baroness being cobra commanders sister(stupid). The nano driven super soldiers would have been better replaced with robots(bats) Cobra commanders mask and voice is ...bad....

I can stand half of the dialog but I am not to found of the almost generic outfits and visuals.
I liked star trek more even if the plot points are as bad....



*awesome awesome rant*

Agree completely with you... too bad I didn't read your post before going to see the fucking thing... God it sucks.
I went with high hopes seeing Bob recommended it, Bob tends to exaggerate with his "good reviews", happened before with Punisher: War Zone.
I'll never trust Bob again. I still love his reviews and his rants as the Game Overthinker, but never again will I respect his good reviews.

War zone was not to bad the 04 film was the best so far but war zone was not horrendous.

a movie bob apologist how funny! Are you his mom cute kitty? Movie bob's reviews suck. this is the last time I'll watch his video reviews. he's an unhappy person, and it shows in his reviews. I suggest meditation, or therapy for him. seriously. Unlike the punctuation fellow bob lacks wit.


Movie Bob, God bless him and his really poor taste in movies: 1. that it's better then the last 12 Bond Flicks? Not even the worst Roger Moore Bond like Moonraker. We've recently had Casino Royale, and in the 90's Golden Eye. 2. That it's not a flaccid movie cash in. Yes, yes it is a crappy movie cash in.

If I was 8 I'd like it, but even a 12 year old after seeing their dad's collection of great action flicks can recognize how thin G.I. Joe is. what a piece of crap. I listened to Bob's review, and said well he said it's "Fun" so I went to see it. This is the last time I'll ever take Bob's advice. He was dead wrong on Star Trek, and damn sure wrong on this movie.

read some of the other comments. he adds an addendum. and im tired of paraphrasing it.

a movie bob apologist how funny! Are you his mommy cute kitty? Movie bob's reviews suck. this is the last time I'll watch his video reviews. he's an unhappy person, and it shows in his reviews. I suggest meditation, or therapy for him. seriously. Unlike the punctuation fellow bob lacks wit.

(no way to delete post huh?) the usability of this message board is almost as bad as Movie Bob's reviews. ;) Good thing you have the funny punctuation guy around. I'm pretty fond of him. Especially how he always nails (evil) U.S. arrogance and foreign policy. (Hopefully not as bad as under Obama.)

Yes! You liked it! SOMEBODY understands that it's supposed to be cliche, over the top action movie! Thank you!

when i went to see this film i was aware it was being directed by the man behind the mummy films, including the scorpion king, and i have fond memories of those films. so i went into this film expecting fun and excitement.

there was fun, excitement, and lots of nice 'pew-pewy' sound effects and i was happy with the spectacle.

unfortunately i went to see it with dad who absolutly hated it. obviously he wasn't aware this was a kids film.

i don't have a lot of childhood memories involving a lot of action figures but like i said there was fun to be had and i didn't mind it a bit.

I liked the movie. Sure, it's stupid, the acting is bad/goofy, a lot of the science and plot really seems ridiculous, and Cobra Commander doesn't yell "COBRA!!!" But it's fun if you go to it in the right mind set.

i'll eventually see this movie, but not in theatres as everyone else says it's a waste of money.

4.35 is the point of the trailer which made me go...Hmm didn't I see that in TF1?

glad i'm not the only one who thought "didn't i see Ironhide do this before?"

but what's even weirder is the fact that according to this, g.i. joe and the transformers movies are connected to the point that we might see both in a crossover movie.

then we'll see what michael bay can do with two popular eighties toy lines, a limitless budget, and a handful of race stereotype jokes.

I have to say, I'm not sure how you can like this and then not like Transformers. I mean it seems to me that every chritasisum you layed on Transformers could be layed on this one just as much. I thought GI Joe and Transformers RotF were both pretty average. I don't know, maybe I should go and check this out agen and try to be a bit more open. My friend really liked the movie, but then agen.....He also really loved BOTH of the Transformers movies.

I am a die hard Transformers and GI Joe fan, but even I have to admit that when I go back and watch the cartoons I am confronted by the fact that they are very cheezy. That being said I still love the cartoons and watch them awesome. I think the film did a great job of capturing the essence of the cartoon perfectly. Unfortunately I expect most fans of the original wanted it to be an ultra realistic adult version of the cartoon which Rise of Cobra is not. After exiting the theater there were a bunch of kids going nuts about how cool Snake Eyes is, and anytime I see youth praising something other than Yugi-oh, bakugan, or power rangers I see it has a pop culture vindication and nerd culture victory.

I dreaded going to see the movie but I figured as long as Snake Eyes has a couple of cool sequences, I can deal with the rest. He did and then the rest of the movie pleasantly surprised me.

All my praise aside, Channing Tatum can't act.

PS While I thought Devastators robot genitals were a little much, I blame the movie Step Brothers...and Will Ferrel in general.

I watched the movie in a theater with litle too no knowledge of G.I. Joe and thinking that it might be a bit shitty.
But I was suprised that I enjoyed it (Spoiler:ending with the fake president was quite good).
Altough I had to wait half an hour before the echos of the many many many explosions had left me.

Zzzz probably the worst movie ive ever seen

Starting from the point that the original source was nothing but cheesey lines, explosions, and weak plots (G-1 transformers, Megatron wanted screw with the moon to change the course of one river in the amazon, Cobra hosted a telethon to raise five billion dollars with Destro did stand up comedy) I had to be literally dragged to this movie, and it was FUN. turns out there is a plot, small and not really important but still more solid then the original series. Plus a healthy list of cameos made it a truely enjoyable time.

There is one thing I can't forgive GI Joe for, and it can be summed up in two words.


bad film, and please, better than the last 12 james bond films??
i think not

I have to say, I'm not sure how you can like this and then not like Transformers. I mean it seems to me that every chritasisum you layed on Transformers could be layed on this one just as much. I thought GI Joe and Transformers RotF were both pretty average. I don't know, maybe I should go and check this out agen and try to be a bit more open. My friend really liked the movie, but then agen.....He also really loved BOTH of the Transformers movies.

also that's actualy a very good point, how can he be so against transformers and yet love GI Joe, the are both esentialy the same, full of action, bad acting/plot, except one has giant robots, and the other has ninjas in armoured power suits
so tell me, what is it that really makes GI Joe so much more different than transformers, and a much better film???

btw, i didn't like ether film, but at a push i will probably take transformers, even if it is made by twat bag michael bay



Really? You just had to just shove your political BS into this, which only relates to the aforementioned topic of discussion by a few strands? How does the healthcare system relate to G.I. Joe?



Bush saw everything and everyone as enemies of the "American way", while Barack is not blind to what is completely fucked up about their own american policies (the world always considered the American "healthcare" system to be some sort of sick joke a Nazi would come up with... and the legal system too, but in this case it is the sick joke... well, an american would come with).

I invoke Godwin's Law. For the Lulz.

Urk... I know YOU will get this reply, late as it is to the run. I rarely log in. But I'm really pushing myself and I must say: Why is it ok to ask "Why wasn't it Americans killing fucktons of Muslin, immigrant, french and stuff! Why does it have to be a stupid international stuff, why do I have to put up with non-American stuff" and it is political BS to respond: "Uh... because there's a whole world outside the USA? Because the USA has less than 5% of the population of said world? Because the internet is a WORLD WIDE web? Or, you know, because tolerance will, at the very least, make other people less likely to want to kill you?" So go ahead and eat your freedom-fries, if it makes you feel better.

I still stand by my saying that social engineering should have been forgot after the Nazis, btw. And commenting on healthcare was part of the whole message. But I guess it is a crime to say anything on the internet without backing it up with an argument and examples.

You know, I went and looked up Michael Bay's movies and I have to say, of the ones I've seen I don't think I'd put any of them in the really bad category. I mean most of them were not that grate ether. It seems, at least to me anyway, that he's a very average director. I don't know if he's an a-hole or whatever, I don't watch stuff like entertainment tonight.

I thought Transformers 2 was ok, not grate, not horrible. But I thought this movie was poor. I'm sorry Bob but ice floats and emotions CAN be quantified.

My only two big problems with the film were one: How the hell did France being mad that the Joe's caused massive amounts of property damage to Paris and in the end not actually getting the "bad guys" cause the entire organization to be disbanded? And I mean, that didn't even play a role in the rest of the movie. All it did was serve as a kind of "oh, no!" moment that was immediately forgotten once they got to the next part of the film I had a problem with: the part where it became Star Wars underwater. There was so much Star Wars-esque crap in there I was surprised that MovieBob didn't call it out in his review. Not to say that the movie wasn't good in the sense that it's fun to watch: it really is a neat film. But honestly, putting in something totally nonsensical into the movie that is ignored anyways so it didn't even matter(already piled onto the rather terrible story line) and then either ripping off Star Wars or trying to give the "late 20-somethings who remember they were 7 years old once" "nudge-nudge wink-wink" moments made the movie, for me, not as enjoyable as a movie but rather something to laugh and make fun of while watching stuff explode.

And also, Disthron, more than 3/4s of an ice burg is underwater. Just thought you should know that.

My only problem with the movie was the mask they made for Cobra Commander. Personally I was looking forward to either the Mysterious hooded look or the equally mysterious Mylar mask.

Other than that... I liked it!

I saw it, I lol'd at the puns in regards to the original action figures I played with as a kid, I enjoyed it as the brain at the door eplode-a-bad guy movie that it was, well crafted for that niche.

Also FYI "GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra" earned around $100 million These kind of numbers are apparently good enough for Paramount to start thinking of expanding the franchise. The studio's vice chairman, Rob Moore, confirmed that a sequel will soon go into development."


Nice review Bob :D

The only thing that bothers me about a sequel is that they could totally mess it up as was the case with "GI Joe: the movie" which technically was the FOURTH movie the previous three being done as five parters and later edited into movies: "The Mass Device", "The Weather Dominator" and "Arise, Serpentor, Arise!"

GI Joe IMHO worked best when it made characters you cared about as in Season 1; because that made you overlook the silly plots, so so voice acting, and the rest.

Who can forget the chilling scene in "Worlds Without End" were three Joes sent to a parallel world see their own skeletal remains? or Shipwreck's comment at the end of "There's No Place Like Springfield" where he tells Lady Jaye that the only thing inside the house he is watching burn was a dream?

Season 2 stumbled a bit with the whole Serpentor thing but at least tried to make him interesting and DIC found the "GI Joe: the movie" so goofy that the only plot they carried over was Cobra Commander being turned into a snake but focused on the characters and made a very silly plot enjoyable.

I just hope that if there is a sequel they don't go X-men 3 or Wolverine on us.

Hey, I had that EXACT same sandbox as a kid! And I even played with my G.I. Joe figures in it!! That is, until sand got in all of their joints and they locked up and my Mom threw them away. But yeah, fun times.

No I did not think it was good!
WHHYYYY MOVIEBOB Why you have your own opinion thats fine but EGHHH!

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