Since I got no 'nays' on posting the limerick and it hasn't shown up on fullyramblomatic.com, here it is:
In the tumultuous time before D-Day
There once was a man named B.J.
With chocolate box hair
And the face like a bear
And a jacket he picked up on eBay
He's was out one day murdering Germans
As they tried to enact London's burnin'
He beat up some dudes
And broke missile tubes
So they both got blown up; that'll learn 'em!
But, while there, he made the discovery
That the Nazis had powers like no other-y
He brought back a bangle
With some mystical angle
To which the Allies responded, "Oh, buggery!"
At the Secret Service of Queen Lizzy
B.J.'s bosses find themselves in a tizzy
So they stand up and shout,
"B.J., sort this all out!
We'd do it ourselves but we're busy."
So he's sent to a big German town
Where some serious sh*t's going down
There's an active resistance
In need of assistance
And everything's gone greyish-brown
It soon becomes clear that the city's
Been invaded by occult committees
And slavering creatures
And gymnasts with stonking great t***ies
You may wonder if this is a sequel
To some past "Wolfenstein" or a prequel
Depicting our hero
In a previous era
When he wasn't looked on as an equal
It's actually meant to succeed
"Return to Castle Wolfenstein"'s lead
Which is pretty damn slow
'Cause that was eight years ago
And the memories've gone stale indeed
The new "Wolfenstein" seeks to enthrall
With an ongoing, high-octane brawl
But it's a game about war
That we have all seen before
And, just like the title, adds f**k all!
Any pretense of freshness is gone
At the very outset of stage one
You escape your pursuers
Via underground sewers
So we start as we mean to go on
Your gun is, off course, your best friend
On which you must always depend
When you get into fights
You can look through the sights
And bullets come out of the end
Weapon choice doesn't start too exciting:
Two machine guns, a rifle for sniping
But, later on, BFGs
Coming with gaurentees
To shoot various flavors of lightning
There are soldiers all over the place
Who can't take two shots to the face
But before you fore-scorn
They always respawn
At a pretty disquieting pace
You don't need to worry about health
If you're retarded and lousy at stealth
Just get behind cover
If you're in a bother
And it'll all come back by itself
It won't help you avoid the bum rape
Later on when you get into scrapes
With powerful blasters
And big armoured b**tards
With weak points the size of a grape
To help out, you have on your side
Magic spells; that's what crystals provide
On the appropriate cue
The world turns greenish-blue
So it looks like your monitor's died
You can take down the big lads in minutes
Start a fight with ten men and still win it
Make your weapons divine
Or just use "bullet time"
Which wasn't that great when "Max Payne" did it
But the powers are hard to sustain;
Your magic is too swiftly drained
In the middle of a fight,
You'll end up in the shite
And will suffer a whole world of pain!
And in between all of the shooting,
You also must think about looting
'Cause, if you wanna upgrade,
Someone has to be paid
Because shopkeepers don't like free-booting
Why do all games need upgrading elements?
Even ones for where it isn't quite relevant
It means all your big hitters
Start of in the sh***ter
And you aim is unfirm and inelegant
So when you've extinguished the danger,
You backtrack through all of the chambers
Searching ev'ry last nook
For cash and checkbooks
But you won't find much fun, I would wager
It transpires that the in-game reality
Has pretensions to non-liniarity
The game says, "On your bike,
Go wherever you like
As long as it's in this principality."
But the freedom's a mere guilded cage
That adds nothing to inspire or engage
It just means beating feet
Down the same boring street
Just to get to the next f**king stage!
There's very little to do except hunt
For secrets and money up front
But the reward's pretty lame
All the streets look the same
And the bads keep respawning, the c**ts!
It's not a totally asinine chore:
There are optional missions to score
But I went out of my way
And found, to my dismay,
That, in total, there's only, like, four
Guess the ultimate question is: "Why
Should I even bother to try?"
Ev'ry last NPC
Fells me with apathy
Am I expected to care when they die?
I know what you're going to say: "Yahtzee,
You slick internet paparazzi,
Surely it's always fun
To stick the butt of a gun
Up the ass of a goose-stepping Nazi!"
Well, if you like starting punch-ups in bars
Or your head has been lodged up your arse
"Wolfenstein" just might give
At least some joy-a-viv
Otherwise, don't bother! Two stars!
Oh, come now, child this is the internet, you are allowed to swear.