Zero Punctuation: Wolfenstein

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The review of a game about Nazis has 666 comments.

Heytred:

B1130:
Yahtzee you are truely a poet.

And he didn't even know it.

Some believe his reviews go too far,
I believe he's just raising the bar.
Now he thinks he's a poet,
It's funny -- you all know it,
This game sucks big fat arse.

That was fun!

Your limerick was
a very impressive thing
I can't even write Haiku.

a limerick's tricky to write
i get the feeling that yahtzee just might
have managed to do it
while soldiering through it
'cause this game is a pile of shite.

He makes a good point about titles of late seemingly proclaiming the release as the original. But yeah, LOL, great episode, and as far as fps' go I'm only interested in MW2 atm. :D

ok, i know i'm late on the comment, but HOLY HELL that was an amazing review :)

This reveiw was BRILLIANT!

How does he even come up with those rhymes? That would have taken me, like, 3 weeks.

Wow, creative AND exceptional

Although the limericks were there just for good kicks, I thought that it was original and quite far from dull.

My new favourite zp review! I was interested in wolfenstein until this which confirms my worst fears

that was actually a nice limerick i wonder how long it took him to come up with that

U have some talent for that! Well done!

Since I got no 'nays' on posting the limerick and it hasn't shown up on fullyramblomatic.com, here it is:

In the tumultuous time before D-Day
There once was a man named B.J.
With chocolate box hair
And the face like a bear
And a jacket he picked up on eBay

He's was out one day murdering Germans
As they tried to enact London's burnin'
He beat up some dudes
And broke missile tubes
So they both got blown up; that'll learn 'em!

But, while there, he made the discovery
That the Nazis had powers like no other-y
He brought back a bangle
With some mystical angle
To which the Allies responded, "Oh, buggery!"

At the Secret Service of Queen Lizzy
B.J.'s bosses find themselves in a tizzy
So they stand up and shout,
"B.J., sort this all out!
We'd do it ourselves but we're busy."

So he's sent to a big German town
Where some serious sh*t's going down
There's an active resistance
In need of assistance
And everything's gone greyish-brown

It soon becomes clear that the city's
Been invaded by occult committees
Mystical preachers
And slavering creatures
And gymnasts with stonking great t***ies

You may wonder if this is a sequel
To some past "Wolfenstein" or a prequel
Depicting our hero
In a previous era
When he wasn't looked on as an equal

It's actually meant to succeed
"Return to Castle Wolfenstein"'s lead
Which is pretty damn slow
'Cause that was eight years ago
And the memories've gone stale indeed

The new "Wolfenstein" seeks to enthrall
With an ongoing, high-octane brawl
But it's a game about war
That we have all seen before
And, just like the title, adds f**k all!

Any pretense of freshness is gone
At the very outset of stage one
You escape your pursuers
Via underground sewers
So we start as we mean to go on

Your gun is, off course, your best friend
On which you must always depend
When you get into fights
You can look through the sights
And bullets come out of the end

Weapon choice doesn't start too exciting:
Two machine guns, a rifle for sniping
But, later on, BFGs
Coming with gaurentees
To shoot various flavors of lightning

There are soldiers all over the place
Who can't take two shots to the face
But before you fore-scorn
They always respawn
At a pretty disquieting pace

You don't need to worry about health
If you're retarded and lousy at stealth
Just get behind cover
If you're in a bother
And it'll all come back by itself

It won't help you avoid the bum rape
Later on when you get into scrapes
With powerful blasters
And big armoured b**tards
With weak points the size of a grape

To help out, you have on your side
Magic spells; that's what crystals provide
On the appropriate cue
The world turns greenish-blue
So it looks like your monitor's died

You can take down the big lads in minutes
Start a fight with ten men and still win it
Make your weapons divine
Or just use "bullet time"
Which wasn't that great when "Max Payne" did it

But the powers are hard to sustain;
Your magic is too swiftly drained
In the middle of a fight,
You'll end up in the shite
And will suffer a whole world of pain!

And in between all of the shooting,
You also must think about looting
'Cause, if you wanna upgrade,
Someone has to be paid
Because shopkeepers don't like free-booting

Why do all games need upgrading elements?
Even ones for where it isn't quite relevant
It means all your big hitters
Start of in the sh***ter
And you aim is unfirm and inelegant

So when you've extinguished the danger,
You backtrack through all of the chambers
Searching ev'ry last nook
For cash and checkbooks
But you won't find much fun, I would wager

It transpires that the in-game reality
Has pretensions to non-liniarity
The game says, "On your bike,
Go wherever you like
As long as it's in this principality."

But the freedom's a mere guilded cage
That adds nothing to inspire or engage
It just means beating feet
Down the same boring street
Just to get to the next f**king stage!

There's very little to do except hunt
For secrets and money up front
But the reward's pretty lame
All the streets look the same
And the bads keep respawning, the c**ts!

It's not a totally asinine chore:
There are optional missions to score
But I went out of my way
And found, to my dismay,
That, in total, there's only, like, four

Guess the ultimate question is: "Why
Should I even bother to try?"
Ev'ry last NPC
Fells me with apathy
Am I expected to care when they die?

I know what you're going to say: "Yahtzee,
You slick internet paparazzi,
Surely it's always fun
To stick the butt of a gun
Up the ass of a goose-stepping Nazi!"

Well, if you like starting punch-ups in bars
Or your head has been lodged up your arse
"Wolfenstein" just might give
At least some joy-a-viv
Otherwise, don't bother! Two stars!

Well, I've borrowed the game off a mate. It's a rental game at best; pick it up, play it over the weekend, then give it back to whoever you rented it from.

The novelty of the powers soon wears off. They do drain quickly, but I don't generally keep my arse in the open long enough to run down the powers. If it were the other end of the spectrum, then he'd have a go for powers that are too god-like. The intel/gold/tomes thing is good and bad. On one side, it encourages exploration. On the other, get down to that one last tome in Midtown and you'll see why.

The free-roaming is all right; at least you can shoot some Nazis outside of a mission. But they do respawn a bit quickly. I swear, it's shortly after you leave the area...

I can't think of much else to say, really; aside from the limited free-roam and the powers, it's another generic shooter.

Worth a look, but not worth a buy.

Well Yahtzee I must truly say
you have really impressed me today
I had no real clue
such a poet in you
existed my friend, o' touche!

Ah, Yahtzee! You're a uniqe person! Poet, critic, comedian and a lot more. Yet again, you amaze me with your interesting reviews.

My intent is surely not meanness
but I wouldn't call the thing genius.
Good for a laugh,
an amusing gaff,
but nothing before never seen, yes?

The thing you must know about limerick,
it's essentially parlor trick.
You spit out some rhymes
and say them in time
and it's a real fancy-pants gimmick.

Witty and clever for certain
though certainly won't drop the curtain
on all other means
of amusement and glee
like the films of director Tim Burton.

I don't mean to sound like a pest,
and before you say "Give it a rest",
the review was real fun
and very well done
but not what I would call his best.

Chemical Pop:
My intent is surely not meanness
but I wouldn't call the thing genius.
Good for a laugh,
an amusing gaff,
but nothing before never seen, yes?

The thing you must know about limerick,
it's essentially parlor trick.
You spit out some rhymes
and say them in time
and it's a real fancy-pants gimmick.

Witty and clever for certain
though certainly won't drop the curtain
on all other means
of amusement and glee
like the films of director Tim Burton.

I don't mean to sound like a pest,
and before you say "Give it a rest",
the review was real fun
and very well done
but not what I would call his best.

You know, I don't think many people have ever seen a video game review in limerick form.

And this review owned most of the things Tim Burton has done.

chriswolvie:
Since I got no 'nays' on posting the limerick and it hasn't shown up on fullyramblomatic.com, here it is:

In the tumultuous time before D-Day
There once was a man named B.J.
With chocolate box hair
And the face like a bear
And a jacket he picked up on eBay

He's was out one day murdering Germans
As they tried to enact London's burnin'
He beat up some dudes
And broke missile tubes
So they both got blown up; that'll learn 'em!

But, while there, he made the discovery
That the Nazis had powers like no other-y
He brought back a bangle
With some mystical angle
To which the Allies responded, "Oh, buggery!"

At the Secret Service of Queen Lizzy
B.J.'s bosses find themselves in a tizzy
So they stand up and shout,
"B.J., sort this all out!
We'd do it ourselves but we're busy."

So he's sent to a big German town
Where some serious sh*t's going down
There's an active resistance
In need of assistance
And everything's gone greyish-brown

It soon becomes clear that the city's
Been invaded by occult committees
Mystical preachers
And slavering creatures
And gymnasts with stonking great t***ies

You may wonder if this is a sequel
To some past "Wolfenstein" or a prequel
Depicting our hero
In a previous era
When he wasn't looked on as an equal

It's actually meant to succeed
"Return to Castle Wolfenstein"'s lead
Which is pretty damn slow
'Cause that was eight years ago
And the memories've gone stale indeed

The new "Wolfenstein" seeks to enthrall
With an ongoing, high-octane brawl
But it's a game about war
That we have all seen before
And, just like the title, adds f**k all!

Any pretense of freshness is gone
At the very outset of stage one
You escape your pursuers
Via underground sewers
So we start as we mean to go on

Your gun is, off course, your best friend
On which you must always depend
When you get into fights
You can look through the sights
And bullets come out of the end

Weapon choice doesn't start too exciting:
Two machine guns, a rifle for sniping
But, later on, BFGs
Coming with gaurentees
To shoot various flavors of lightning

There are soldiers all over the place
Who can't take two shots to the face
But before you fore-scorn
They always respawn
At a pretty disquieting pace

You don't need to worry about health
If you're retarded and lousy at stealth
Just get behind cover
If you're in a bother
And it'll all come back by itself

It won't help you avoid the bum rape
Later on when you get into scrapes
With powerful blasters
And big armoured b**tards
With weak points the size of a grape

To help out, you have on your side
Magic spells; that's what crystals provide
On the appropriate cue
The world turns greenish-blue
So it looks like your monitor's died

You can take down the big lads in minutes
Start a fight with ten men and still win it
Make your weapons divine
Or just use "bullet time"
Which wasn't that great when "Max Payne" did it

But the powers are hard to sustain;
Your magic is too swiftly drained
In the middle of a fight,
You'll end up in the shite
And will suffer a whole world of pain!

And in between all of the shooting,
You also must think about looting
'Cause, if you wanna upgrade,
Someone has to be paid
Because shopkeepers don't like free-booting

Why do all games need upgrading elements?
Even ones for where it isn't quite relevant
It means all your big hitters
Start of in the sh***ter
And you aim is unfirm and inelegant

So when you've extinguished the danger,
You backtrack through all of the chambers
Searching ev'ry last nook
For cash and checkbooks
But you won't find much fun, I would wager

It transpires that the in-game reality
Has pretensions to non-liniarity
The game says, "On your bike,
Go wherever you like
As long as it's in this principality."

But the freedom's a mere guilded cage
That adds nothing to inspire or engage
It just means beating feet
Down the same boring street
Just to get to the next f**king stage!

There's very little to do except hunt
For secrets and money up front
But the reward's pretty lame
All the streets look the same
And the bads keep respawning, the c**ts!

It's not a totally asinine chore:
There are optional missions to score
But I went out of my way
And found, to my dismay,
That, in total, there's only, like, four

Guess the ultimate question is: "Why
Should I even bother to try?"
Ev'ry last NPC
Fells me with apathy
Am I expected to care when they die?

I know what you're going to say: "Yahtzee,
You slick internet paparazzi,
Surely it's always fun
To stick the butt of a gun
Up the ass of a goose-stepping Nazi!"

Well, if you like starting punch-ups in bars
Or your head has been lodged up your arse
"Wolfenstein" just might give
At least some joy-a-viv
Otherwise, don't bother! Two stars!

Oh, come now, child this is the internet, you are allowed to swear.

awesome. the best ever, ive seen all of those films, and this is the best. from the beggining it was getting downhill, worse and worse, but this is an shining diamond in middle of nice rubies.

Brilliant :) How much time I wonder did it take to get the lyrics right though?

This was an awesome review! Loved the format! Can't imagine how long it would have taken me to do anything similar O-o'

How do talk that fast?

Monicro1:
loved the limerick gimmick, best review since Silent Hill 2 imo (which actually was pretty recent, but oh well)

Edit: ignore this post, I hit quote instead of edit

damn, it must have been hard to put that together. awesome job yahtzee!

Good review. Could you put it on youtube?

A tremendous review but I got the game really cheap and finding it good for a simple shooter.
It runs maxxed out easily and looks OK.

I'm kinda sad now. ID is one of those developers that I think still has a heart (CoughNotLikeNintendoOrBungieCough)I love the quake games, I'm playing return to castle wolfenstein and like it, and I might buy Doom 1 or Quake 1 on steam. However, according to this and other reviews, I fear they might be losing it. Hopefully Quake 5 and doom 4 will be good. I liked the limerick.
Also, this post was written by me before I played this game, and should not be listened to.

i d like to say something in rhymes,
but i am totally speechless.
(does that rhyme?)
i give you an owl for that.

Looking back and this one is still awesome

Best. Limericks. Ever.

Actually, screw what I said earlier. This game is awesome. I just played it, and I loved it. I guess it's no fun if you play a lot of WWII shooters, but this is the 2nd WWII shooter I've ever played. The first one was Return to Castle Wolfenstein. You can see why I like it more than most. Also, the sound of the Particle Cannons high pitched whine just before firing and the following screaming sound from the Nazi that is currently being vaporized is priceless.

Epic. My favorite so far.

I want more Seussalicious rhyming ones.

Just wanted to say again how much I enjoyed this video.

I've watched this one a couple of times and EVERY TIME I can't stop thinking in limerick form lol.

Brilliant although around 1:37-1:39 you rhymed "creature" with "creature"

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