Hey,i just had an idea! What i would really like to see is a subversion of a sidequest - as in:
Heroes do a part-time "dungeon cleaning". You can substitute crime den,military base,blah blah blah,for a "dungeon" if you want. They go off to fetch the key to a locked door. Then they see something they were not supposed to,and land neck-deep into epic adventure to stop yet another world domination plot.

Escape from Butcher Bay offers a lot of straightforward answers to simple puzzles (shotgun+locked door= freedom), but there's one part where you have to venture into a completely dark sublevel of the prison workings in order to locate a trinket for a stupid idiot doctor so he will then agree to perform surgery on your eyes or some crap which he DOESN'T EVER ACTUALLY DO and which YOU DON'T NEED, because you are Paul Muad'Dib and gain perfect awesome spice vision anyway, thanks to some trippy vision. This sidequest has infinitely spawning enemies, exploding barrels and forced you to constantly put away your weapons so you can toss out flares to light your way. It's IMPOSSIBLE to play this portion of the game during daylight hours (any glare is unacceptable), and it's generally just a horrible section. I hate it. I almost stopped playing Butcher Bay completely because of it.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, games like Jade Empire let you ignore, beat, kill, maim and otherwise surpass a lot of sidequests. Some are still required, but you can often just kill the person who wants your help and continue on your way. Or tell them what they can do with their offer.

Resident Evil Code Veronica is the utter perfection of the complete lunacy that is fetch quest.

I honestly believe that game was made as a parody of itself.

Pointless fetch quests don't bug me as long as I can delve into what makes the game fun along the way. If I'm needlessly running around in town doing a lot of menial tasks, I'm going to start to wonder just why I'm bothering with it all when I could be out shooting dudes. On the other hand, if the quest giver ends his task with "and there will be lots of dudes to kill along the way," then sign me up.

I'm not a huge story gnome, though. A semantic non-realism like that doesn't really bother me. Burly door or flimsy door, if I need to get a key, I need to get a key. I'm usually more worried about whether or not I'll have fun fetching it.

Shamus Young:

Vlane:
Like always: A really nice article.

But can somebody help me? I haven't played Resident Evil 4 in a while and I have no idea which gate Shamus means but I want to know.

Once you rescue President's Daughter, just try to take her back the way you came in when you first entered the village.

Oh that gate.

It wouldn't make a lot of sense to go there because the bridge was destroyed at the beginning.

I know what you mean but it wouldn't really help to go there.

You have a grenade launcher, super powers and a nuclear weapon.

but you can't open a door.

It's quests like those that destroys the atmosphere of the game and brings you back to reality to realize it's a game and reason and simple logic does not or can not apply here. Depending on how severe it may take a long time to get re-immersed into the game again.

I remember in resident evil 5 I was in this army base thing (couldn't give a toss about the plot) and there was a locked door, the only way to open the door was to kill two heavily armed brute guys with miniguns. Me and sheva managed to kick down every other door in the game so why not this one?

I think Bioshock used a fetch quest correctly. Doctor Steinmen had blown up the entrance to his surgery, so you had to find the telekinesis plasmid, and throw a grenade (provided by a Splicer throwing them nearby) back at the rubble.

Ahh for the days of Deus Ex where you could solve everything with: multi-tools, lockpicks, hacking, explosives, or crate stacking.........

<Cue someone posting a picture of an INF/INF strength wooden door.>

Bioshock. The two penultimate levels.

Sacred 2 had some very annoying fetch quests. None related to area access, but annoying all the same due to the size of the world, and limited travel options. Also, pretty much every quest in Oblivion and Morrowind. "Here, I need this thing that I, a man who can't fight, left at the bottom of a monster infested dungeon." HOW DID HE SURVIVE?

I remember my first run into the Scarlet Monstary in WoW. The dungeon is made up of 4 different instances of difficulty. If I remember the level difficulties were 31,33,35,38. I was 35 at the time and one of like 4 rogues with a competent lock-pick skill. We were gonna do Armory (35) which was blocked by a locked door, which could of been picked. Despite having told the tank I could open the door and having did so several times I was forced into the Library section (33?) so we could get the key at the end boss. It was the only group on my server at the time so I rolled with it but that made me feel under valued and generally peeved.

Starke:

Chipperz:
I always had it in my head that the key to Sledge's hideout was needed because it doesn't just unlock the gate, it activates the portal behind it - I have this whole theory that the portals are basically mini New-U stations that kill you off and recreate you at the exit.

The quest that pissed me off the most has to be the entire Thieve's Guild quest in Oblivion. Mainly the bit where you have to sneak through a monastery where all the monks are blind. Could I not just kill them all, then use the power of the Elder Scroll to bring them back to life? They picked me up in a jail, so they would know already that I'm fairly morally bankrupt...

That, or any survival horror door that requires a star-shaped pendant, an uncut ruby the size of a baby's skull and a three-speed vibrator to open.

In Oblivion, not killing off the Monks is kinda justified, because the Theves Guild makes a big point of not murdering people, though they do drop that in the next couple quests or so.

What isn't justified in Oblivion is the unpickable doors. I'm playing a thief who is probably the most accomplished lockpicker alive on Tamriel, I have the Skeleton Key (an ultimate lockpick from A GOD!) I could easily pick those 14 tumbler locks mentioned in the fluff books, and I cannot pick the door on this rickety old shack because it's tied into a plotline involving vampires!?

Fallout 3 has a similar issue with it's plot only doorways. EDIT: Come to think of it, most of Fallout 3 boils down to this. Key 1 is tracking down your father (which works). Key 2 is finding the mcguffin from Fallout 2, because, you know, we didn't do that in 1998 (which would work, kinda, except the ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD IS WHERE!?, heh). To get each of these keys expect to run around aimlessly for others in the interrum. The entire game is goddamn fedex quests. I can't remember a single quest that was just, "Go out there and kill somethin' for me, would'ya kindly?"

STALKER, you're in a military instilation that was abandoned in 1985, it's now 2012 or so, the place is falling apart, and yet the auto lock doors still work. The LIGHTs don't even work anymore in most of the place. But the keypads do. You can't use a crowbar on the rusty door? Or even your knife if you're determined? Hell, you CAN wedge the doors open with a gun, but that is technically a physics engine exploit.

Knights of the Old Republic pulled two of these in a row on the first planet. First find the disguise, (never mind that your other party members AREN'T in disguise and standing RIGHT THERE), and after that pick up authorization papers, which, might be more justified if there was any point to it. The only reason these detours occur is to provide exposition.

Oh dear GOD, i hated that part of KOTOR. And you don't get to be a Jedi until you finish all that nonsense (plus some more). And it took HOURS the first time. Miserable side quest!

Resident Evil 5 annoyed me.
At the end of the first level there is a gate that must be blown up, but your roket launcher has no effect.
You have to wait for a teammate with an Identical rocket launcher to blow it up.
Screw this, I said. And went Back to RE4.

In Dracula: Origins, you pretty much fight the Prince of Darkness with fetch-quests.

At one point, you need holy water as part of a door key. That's right, you never use it as a weapon, you need sacred water (and like 5 other obscure items, including a diamond, a silver coin, and *exactly* 5 ounces of gold) to open a magic door. There is only one priest in town because you're in Cairo and everyone is Muslim, and he refuses to bless water that has toucher the earth, because it is polluted. And so you must steal a casserole dish, take it to a camel trough and fill it with dirty water. You must also shatter a mirror, then hold it about the casserole dish while you boil the water over a barbecue pit. Once you have done this, you can gather the condensation on the mirror shard and pour it into an empty whiskey flask. Congratulations, you have one of five items needed to unlock a door. Naturally, since Dracula can turn into fog to pass through the door, finished his business, and left long before you got there, so chasing him here was mostly pointless.

Shamus Young:

Vlane:
Like always: A really nice article.

But can somebody help me? I haven't played Resident Evil 4 in a while and I have no idea which gate Shamus means but I want to know.

Once you rescue President's Daughter, just try to take her back the way you came in when you first entered the village.

You mean the gate that leads to the area with the bridge that got destroyed after you killed the first enemy? At least, that's what I'm assuming from "back the way you came in when yu first entered the village".

ziggybogidou:
Resident Evil 5 annoyed me.
At the end of the first level there is a gate that must be blown up, but your roket launcher has no effect.
You have to wait for a teammate with an Identical rocket launcher to blow it up.
Screw this, I said. And went Back to RE4.

Well, considering that you're not supposed to get the Rocket Launcher until you get to either Chapter 3 or 4? What were you expecting really.

Nearly all of Half Life 2 left me in tears with the amount of doors and blocked ways that Gordon couldn't open just because it had some weird alien locker combo on it. The man is armed with an RPG, a Crowbar, a presumably heavy and clumsy HEV siut my (justification as to why he isn't as spry as Alyx)why couldn't he just bash through, explode, or otherwise decimate every arbitrary barrier in his path?

TarkXT:
Nearly all of Half Life 2 left me in tears with the amount of doors and blocked ways that Gordon couldn't open just because it had some weird alien locker combo on it. The man is armed with an RPG, a Crowbar, a presumably heavy and clumsy HEV siut my (justification as to why he isn't as spry as Alyx)why couldn't he just bash through, explode, or otherwise decimate every arbitrary barrier in his path?

He's Gordan Freeman! If the door isn't unlocked it isn't worthy of his presence.

There was a very long, very difficult mod for the original half-life. This brutal single-player mod was based loosly off day of the dead and apocalypse now. There was a very long Resident Evilesque sequence where the player had to get "the rusty key" for the rusty door. After battling your way through unspeakably difficult hoards of opponents to get the red key, the blue key, the yellow key, the purple key, etc... you finally get the rusty key. Of course, the key snaps off in the lock, and the message came up "that he gave the door a slight kick, and it opened right up."

Urge to kill... rising.

pumasuit:

Starke:
Knights of the Old Republic pulled two of these in a row on the first planet. First find the disguise, (never mind that your other party members AREN'T in disguise and standing RIGHT THERE), and after that pick up authorization papers, which, might be more justified if there was any point to it. The only reason these detours occur is to provide exposition.

Oh dear GOD, i hated that part of KOTOR. And you don't get to be a Jedi until you finish all that nonsense (plus some more). And it took HOURS the first time. Miserable side quest!

I've done that entire area in about 4 hours before, but, yeah, the entire first planet is pretty much an annoying speedbump in the way of having fun with the game.

I like how you can't just bust open a chest in Diablo 2 or Guild Wars. Really? I just took down the devil and I can't break open a tiny wooden box?

I haven't played as many games as i should have but as far as fetch quests go, the worst i've done is probably in Morrowind. If i had to pick one out i'd say the dark botherhood stuff in the first exspansion. (as i remember it and i may be wrong) You are sent by the king to kill a bunch of assassins with paralying blades and tough motherfucker armour to find a bounty notice on yourself placed by the king. why doesn't the king just tell the assasins who are working for him to not kill you? Also some of the assassination missions in morrowind of which there are more than a few are pretty shady on the logic.

The main plot quest does this a bit too. I'm level 35 and smashing through the country with mjolnir in my hands and the title of grandmaster of the fighters guild and i still need to get the abritrary approval of all the great houses and tribes Which will require yet more fetch quests and assassinations. and thats all to get the weapons and equipment i could get anyway without their approval. couldn't i just get the stuff when i'm strong enough, go kill satan, then go on a book tour or something getting there approval then?

Also in the exspansions you're a god and they still treat you like you just got off the boat. Why am i running errands at the beginning of bloodmoon and tribunal, logically with the character made in the original, to gain expeirence and trust when i'm a FREAKING GOD! like the king and the goddess in tribunal think you aren't strong enough to help them when i traveled to the top of a demon filled volcano, fought an evil god and his demigod minions and trancended my mortal coil, defeated a ancient giant robot thing and won the respect of the main tribunal god and all the people of the country? What more do you want? oh i have to pick up your groceries.

aside from that though the game is pretty solid and fun i wasn't complainign about it then so whatever.

World of Warcraft, actually. A chain in Terrokar forest. They give you a disguise, and ask you to go talk to some people in an orc camp, including an advisor right next to their commander. You do that. You turn it in. They ask you to go back and kill the commander. Do they give you back that disguise that let you effortlessly walk up to him without him even blinking? The one he can give you over and over and over for that first quest? No. They don't. You have to slaughter your way through the camp to finish that particular quest.

It's so frustrating because the guy giving you the quest has the disguise, and he JUST gave it to you, and the experience you get from killing your way up there is marginal at best. It's just frustrating from a logical standpoint.

I honestly don't remember the Resident Evil 4 one.

Funny, though, that I did that quest in Borderlands yesterday.

Wait, so you have a go at Champions Online for having a fetch quest for opening an outhouse, and then you say it's alright when it's in a joke game? After you've done an article and a bunch of comics about how Champions Online is a joke game? I just dont get it.

basicly the entire quest system in borderlands most recently. But I didn't put up with it nearly as long as the author, because I was exremely disappointed by the boring, bland, empty world and fighting through waves of baddies TWICE to get the key to sledge's place, then TWICE again to get in and out of sledge's hideout.

After realizing the entire game is one big grind between bosses, or at least, a very unsatisfying one, I said "No, I won't sit through dozens of hours of this" and uninstalled it. I've not regretted it one bit because behind the style is a creaky old World of Warcraft immitation without the atmosphere.

Er, the whole Biggoron Sword quest in Ocarina Of Time.

And any unlockable door in a game where picklocking is a skill, I'm looking at you KotOR.

Also, the unbeatable castle gards in Chrono Trigger.

As far as Fallout 3 goes, it's forgivable because the fetch quests themselves often could be handled in many different ways or skipped altogheter, like the Little Lamplight gates or the fetching of the disk for 3 Dog. It's rarely (never?) an actua key to a door, but more along the lines of triggering certain events in particular.

Haha, well written.

You asked what the most absurd key-fetch quest i've ever witnessed was - and it struck me, i've seen some people go for one in real life. Whether it was out of stupidity or ingenious manipularity, i do not know.

I'm speaking of the company CipSoft GmbH. They're most known for developing the obscure MMORPG Tibia, which has been in operation since '97. They also apparantly made the worlds first mobile phone MMORPG, but that's not what i'm here to rant about.

No, you see, Tibia was becoming plagued by cheaters. Cheaters in all shapes and forms.

Because PvP combat was heavily based on skill, both tactical and hand-eye coordination, some players took to cheating in some respects. They made bots to automatically aim and fire spells at other players, and healing spells at themselves, thus being able to be much more effective in combat than others.

Cipsoft felt the best solution to this was to integrate the "aimbot" into the client, as to level the playing field.

This, of course, had far-reaching consequences both in PvP and PvM combat. Seeing as how you could now make every attempt to fire a spell hit without doubt, some classes became grossly overpowered. This was solved by lowering damage and prices to shoot them, so that the only way PvP could ever be carried out was if you had a well-coordinated team of at least ten to take on a group of enemies.

There were also people who would use bots to fish, make sellable runes for profit and level their characters for them, alternatively share their characters with other people.

Cipsoft saw only one solution - you need bait to fish, you need soul points gathered by killing monsters for making runes, and you can only level 6 hours a day.

At a later point, they invented a sort of server-based anti-cheating system, which they refuse to give out details on the operation of, which they claim is 100% effective, but which any given player will tell you is total BS.

I feel, that destroying your MMORPG in this fashion, instead of just bundling it with some punkbuster-like application, is completely asinine, and the closest i've seen to a fetch-key-quest i've seen in real life.

I hate quests that do that; "Grab item x to go through path y." almost as much as I hate "Get x amount of y and come back."

It's not really that they're so simple and straight-lined, it's that they want to make you roam around for a bit, even if you really badly want to push the plot.

Xvito:
Excellent article!

Also, this pretty much sums up Resident Evil 4 (and all the other gaming fetch-quests). Curse you, waist-high wall... CURSE YOU!

I'd rather curse the consoles for seldom including a "jump" button, the PC-gaming-god I am...:P

MNRA:

Xvito:
Excellent article!

Also, this pretty much sums up Resident Evil 4 (and all the other gaming fetch-quests). Curse you, waist-high wall... CURSE YOU!

I'd rather curse the consoles for seldom including a "jump" button, the PC-gaming-god I am...:P

http://www.hlcomic.com/index.php?date=2006-07-17

heh.

Spelling error; "Shove" for "shovel", I think. I dont know, didn't play that game.

Work. that's the fucking problem. if they had to do anything more than nesessary walking/driving/shoting/reloading, it would require animation or making it unrealistic and skip the ingame porcess of doing something. As I was taught the first would cost money. so tehy chose the less costy solution, same thing goes for sidequests, the story is doney, paid for and writer is gone, so they use everything else except that talented person.