Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

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Awwww, I had hoped you'd gone through all 60-what hours to really build up the bile until you look like the Great Unclean One but I guess by then the review would have consisted of the news headline "Australian goes postal in Japanese game developer's headquarters wielding three DVDs as aweapon".

Hehe...I noticed the walking thing too...so loud!

And yes Vanille...yeah...lol

Toasty Virus:
I really tried to enjoy this game, I loved all the other Final Fantasy's(Even 8) but this just didnt do it for me

Although Sahz made the bits I played worth it =D

Completely agree. The only character that I gave half a shit about was Sazh. The rest of the characters were half assed at best.

Despite the fact that I know all aboot Vanille's "secret" I still think that she is honestly retarded. Sorry but she is just "not there" in the head if ya know what I mean.

Finally, you forgot about all the origami weapons. Was I the only one that noticed that all the weapons were foldable and easy to carry? What is this some kind of new add campaign that square enix, sorry *ahem* s-enix seeing as enix has mainly just taken all of what was good in Squaresoft and made into some horrible abomination that cannot be mentioned in decent society. But seriously? "Why worry about carrying a big-ass blade around with you (cloud) and worry about you cutting your own foot off when you can fold it!"

The main difference is I enjoy turn based combat and if anything Final Fantasy XIII seemed like it was made to appease people who aren't as big of fans. It's an all right game, and I did have fun playing it, but agree characters were...bit meh.

I agree on a few bits: the fact that the game takes 2-3 hours before it gets a semblance of entertainment is terrible.

And the fact that the majority of the story is not told through the actual game but through the datalog, is asinine.

BUT, I can't help but love the game. Probably mostly because 12 was so so SO fucking unbelievably AWFUL (particularly the combat) that I can't help but like the combat.

If you took Yahtzee's reviews seriously, you would play one game every 5 years.

Hmmm, I have no major problems with the game. The lead in isn't all that bad in context.

I think the problem is that Yahtzee has a very limited skill set, all those menus, stats, target selection, abillity selection, gear customization, and other aspects are why I like RPGs. Granted I generally tend to prefer WRPGs, but JRPGs are far from being bad at it.

Now, he did have some very valid complaints about pacing, and the fact that the game was ridiculously linear. But other than that he seemed to be involved in a stereotypical JRPG hate rant. Just because he admits his bias does not fully excuse him in this case.

I doubt it will happen but I would argue that as Final Fantasy XIII is intended as a long term time investment, and was intended as one, The Escapist should have him finish it and request a more professional review. Oh granted, he'll probably still hate it, but I'd like to hear more about Final Fantasy XIII specifically and less about his opinion on a given genere (which basically comes down to immediate gratification twitchy finger games being good, providing they fall solidly into a moderate difficulty range, and RPGs and anything turn or stat based being bad).

About Vanille:

Furthers my convictions to not bother and just wait till IX comes on PSN.

PessimistOwl:

Toasty Virus:
I really tried to enjoy this game, I loved all the other Final Fantasy's(Even 8) but this just didnt do it for me

Although Sahz made the bits I played worth it =D

Completely agree. The only character that I gave half a shit about was Sazh. The rest of the characters were half assed at best.

I kept forgetting his name so I just came to call him "Danny Glover from Lethal Weapon".

Belladonnah:
WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO VANILLE YOU MISERABLE TWAT I HOPE YOU DIE OF SQUIRREL AIDS!

Someone's taking things a little too seriously. Also, who/what the hell is "Vanille"?

OT: had to watch this just because it ripped on Final Fantasy. I had a friend in college who was gah-gah over it and would never listen to my reasons for hating the game. Not only that, she wouldn't even bother to try out something different; it was FF or nothing, which was a shame.

Oh wait, she also liked Kingdom Hearts. Pfft, like there's a difference.

Edit: never mind, I just saw who she was; the "kooky" character. In that case what exactly did he do to her? She barely played a part in it other than being a moron, which is probably accurate.

I like this and I like the game.

Oh, my, I knew when Yahtzee was going to Interview Final Fantasy XIII that it was going to be awesome because he's repeatedly expressed he hates JRPGs. This review did reveal it's more that he hates what JRPGs have become, but it nonetheless was little more than exposition for Yahtzee's discontent.

Plus, this comment thread is positively exploding. The review's only been out 2 hours and we're up to 350+ replies now.

So happy to see someone else bash on the FF series for the same reason I've come to hate them lately, the belief that spectacle is more important than everything else.

Unbiased my ass. However your reviews are starting to go uphill again Yahtzee, keep up the good work!
But yeah, FFVI freakin' ROCKED!
And about the mana bar, for anyone interested, you keep updates about it on twitter.

well alex, i have no idea but you should be doing some homework and also Final Fantasy is a good game I played it twice

I'm about 10 hours in on my friends copy and I'm STILL waiting for the game to get good.

EDIT: Final Fantasy 6 is freakin' boss.

Therumancer:
Now, he did have some very valid complaints about pacing, and the fact that the game was ridiculously linear.

Actually, that's not even nearly a valid complaint, seeing as linearity is a design choice. Not necessarily a choice you need to agree with, but a choice none the less. Reading just a single review of this game would also inform you of said linearity, thus rendering all ensuing complaints void of validity. It is akin to complaining of too much driving in a racing game, as in stupid. Really, really stupid.

Ah ha! Well this finally confirms my suspicions that Yahtzee is an old-school fanboy who hates everything after his chosen installment in the series; i.e. the exact same as every other forum dwelling internet twat. But at least it means he wasn't complaining about games he didn't actually play.

His criticisms about FF13 are entirely fair however. You shouldn't have to wait 10-20 hours for your entertainment product to become fun.

Wow you Yahtzee fanboys are insane.

blalien:
I'm getting a slight hunch that Yahtzee is not a fan of Vanille.

OH you must of fallen asleep for that three billionth's of a second where he said "And I especially love Vanille the best, she made the entire game worth it!", at least I thought I heard it....

k-ossuburb:

Belladonnah:
WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO VANILLE YOU MISERABLE TWAT I HOPE YOU DIE OF SQUIRREL AIDS!

Someone's taking things a little too seriously. Also, who/what the hell is "Vanille"?

OT: had to watch this just because it ripped on Final Fantasy. I had a friend in college who was gah-gah over it and would never listen to my reasons for hating the game. Not only that, she wouldn't even bother to try out something different; it was FF or nothing, which was a shame.

Oh wait, she also liked Kingdom Hearts. Pfft, like there's a difference.

Edit: never mind, I just saw who she was; the "kooky" character. In that case what exactly did he do to her? She barely played a part in it other than being a moron, which is probably accurate.

It was a joke:X Vanille is the character he mutilated in the end of the episode during the credits.

also, I made it to about twenty five hours, still bored...

Aww...The combat picks up in hour 7. When paradigms become really key because they split you into groups of 2 for extended periods.

dochmbi:
If you took Yahtzee's reviews seriously, you would play one game every 5 years.

Actually there are a lot of games he likes or kinda likes, but they don't get nearly as much attention from either himself or the Yahtzee fans as the ones he despises.

Somebody else mentioned that Yahtzee's complaints about FFXIII seem to be largely issues with JRPG cliches, and therefore his opinion is irrelevant or some such. I don't profess to know anything about that the man, but I'd like to address that here anyway:

If a game series does nothing to address the inherent flaws within its own genre and continually reuses the same ideas to its own detriment, most of the problems with said game will be of a highly unoriginal nature. For example, an FPS shooter series that keeps ripping off the Aliens/Star Wars franchises at every turn, with every installment and never stops doing this will always have the same complaints leveled at its story. This does not mean the complaints become worthless after the 500th time because they are now "cliche."

Besides, JRPGs vary wildly in gameplay and story. Persona 3 adheres to some anime cliches but purges some of the most offensive of the typical JRPG problems. Persona 4 fixed still more issues. And let's not forget the JRPG Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter, which was a survival RPG that took place entirely underground and favored the RE4 approach to inventory management.

Folks can like whatever they want, I'm just saying a "cliche" objection to a problem which tends to plague certain game genres can't be brushed off simply because it has been heard before.

CK76:

I kept forgetting his name so I just came to call him "Danny Glover from Lethal Weapon".

I forget anyone's name that isn't a noun. For example Afroman, RedXIII, OldGuy, Gray-haired Asshat, lame!Cid, BitchWithGlasses.

Lol ff13 porn

these people gotta get laid

Samurai Goomba:
And let's not forget the JRPG Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter, which was a survival RPG that took place entirely underground and favored the RE4 approach to inventory management..

That got horrid reviews for NOT living up to the cliches.

*goes to buy it*

Suskie:
I agree. I don't hate FFVII or anything, but I am a bit sick of people saying it's literally the best game ever made when there are so many things obviously wrong with it. I kinda think it would take a Yahtzee review to finally knock some common sense into some of these people. (And that was going to sound like a flame no matter how I worded it, so whatever.)

A turd with a flag on top is still a turd, of course you couldn't word it better because it keeps being utter bullshit =)

One thing I have to absolutely agree with is "it gets better twenty hours in" is not a valid point. It's a flimsy excuse designed to, more than anything, to reassure and justify a purchase that a person was uncertain about.

It's like. . . beer. I know some people like beer but I don't. I hate the stuff. I'll throw back whiskey or sake or whatever but beer? No. I'm told you have to acquire the taste, that you have to get use to it or something. Why? If I didn't like it the first few sips or the first whole bottle, why should I revisit with the promise that it "gets better"?

I can understand if a game starts slow. It happens. You have to wait an hour, maybe, for it to pick up. Maybe two. Three at most but if it takes any more than that? It's ridiculous. More so that Final Fantasy 13 is so linear. It ends up being one long corridor. The game may as well be just ten hours long with a few fights, some story, and a lot of cinematics. And a friend of mine asked "why isn't this just a movie".

I like the game just fine but I don't disagree with the flaws that Yahtzee pointed out.

hoping for God of War 3 but oh well.
LMAO at its about as well paced as an ant pusing a brick across a desert.

Awesome review, I laughed more than I usually do at these. I loved the credits animation to.

blalien:
I'm getting a slight hunch that Yahtzee is not a fan of Vanille.

Who the fuck is a fan of Vanille, besides those gamers who think mindless, kooky, underaged girls with no visible contribution to the storyline are cute and thinks they're comic relief. They're not comic relief, they're annoying and more of a joke. The only thing I see from the "Kooky spices" are as further bait to satisfy the hungers of perverted fan-artists.

If you are a fan of Vanille or will otherwise prove me wrong in some fashion, I have no reason to respond back because this is what I consider as fact. I do not want fillers/filler characters in my games or in my animes. Also, if there's some good explanation as to why she acts like that, then please reply back as to how she also contributes heavily to the storyline outside gameplay.

Samurai Goomba:

dochmbi:
If you took Yahtzee's reviews seriously, you would play one game every 5 years.

If a game series does nothing to address the inherent flaws within its own genre and continually reuses the same ideas to its own detriment, most of the problems with said game will be of a highly unoriginal nature... Folks can like whatever they want, I'm just saying a "cliche" objection to a problem which tends to plague certain game genres can't be brushed off simply because it has been heard before.

My sentiments exactly, QFT since you beat me to the punch. To add to it, the typical JRPG genre flaws were widely established by earlier iterations of the FF series. Therefore a game is not only avoiding flaws in its own genre, but in its own series. That, my friends, is a real shame.

Samurai Goomba:

dochmbi:
If you took Yahtzee's reviews seriously, you would play one game every 5 years.

Actually there are a lot of games he likes or kinda likes, but they don't get nearly as much attention from either himself or the Yahtzee fans as the ones he despises.

Somebody else mentioned that Yahtzee's complaints about FFXIII seem to be largely issues with JRPG cliches, and therefore his opinion is irrelevant or some such. I don't profess to know anything about that the man, but I'd like to address that here anyway:

If a game series does nothing to address the inherent flaws within its own genre and continually reuses the same ideas to its own detriment, most of the problems with said game will be of a highly unoriginal nature. For example, an FPS shooter series that keeps ripping off the Aliens/Star Wars franchises at every turn, with every installment and never stops doing this will always have the same complaints leveled at its story. This does not mean the complaints become worthless after the 500th time because they are now "cliche."

Besides, JRPGs vary wildly in gameplay and story. Persona 3 adheres to some anime cliches but purges some of the most offensive of the typical JRPG problems. Persona 4 fixed still more issues. And let's not forget the JRPG Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter, which was a survival RPG that took place entirely underground and favored the RE4 approach to inventory management.

Folks can like whatever they want, I'm just saying a "cliche" objection to a problem which tends to plague certain game genres can't be brushed off simply because it has been heard before.

High five.

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