Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

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Yep ff13 is a steaming turd, awesome review Yahtzee.

Its crazy that their are actually people out there who enjoy and defend this game, like wtf. Then again theirs been like two or three good jrpgs in the span of 15 years so eh I guess the genre just caters well to people with terrible taste in everything from gameplay to story to characters.

I am not an anti-anime person, some of my favorite series/movies ever are anime but fuck I've had more illnesses I've enjoyed than I have jrpgs.

Well, the only really unexpected thing about this that Yahtzee actually reviewed FF XIII instead of it being another april fools joke, it was a funny episode, but in a totally unsurprising and expected way.
I'll probably buy the game at some point soon, and i probably will complain, a lot, about linearity, lack of side quests and totally unsurprising characters/plot twists, and when thay release the next Final (totaly, next time they'll mean it) Fantasy, i'll probably do it all over again.

COCONUTS?

a Monty python reference i see!
i guess they could not get a horse.

Yahtzee talks about how linear FFXIII was, and brags about most of the content not being unlocked 20+ hours in.

But then turns around to say FFVI was one of his favorite games, maybe the most linear of all the earlier Final Fantasy titles, and, it's another example of content being unlocked, that's a major focus on combat and stat growth... GASP! 20+ hours into the game! NO NO NO!

I know I'm not supposed to take this guy seriously, but when his fans go off on a huge circle jerk with every single video he posts, I find it alittle hard to believe.

Though, then again, this is the guy who played Left 4 Dead on multiplayer, saying that's how the game was intended. Then turned around to play Borderlands and Bad Company 2 in their single player aspects.

First thing I thought when I saw this was "Oh Christ some games anus is about to be torn...".

Surprisingly this was all spot on, and bloody funny ^^

I know putting any kind of comment in what quickly is becoming the Dark Knight of his reviews (I.E. it is getting lots of reviews very fast) is going to be noticible as pouring out a glass of water in the middle of the pacific, but I been wondering, anything interesting happen in the first week of the Mana Bar Yahtzee?

Mirroga:

blalien:
I'm getting a slight hunch that Yahtzee is not a fan of Vanille.

Who the fuck is a fan of Vanille, besides those gamers who think mindless, kooky, underaged girls with no visible contribution to the storyline are cute and thinks they're comic relief. They're not comic relief, they're annoying and more of a joke. The only thing I see from the "Kooky spices" are as further bait to satisfy the hungers of perverted fan-artists.

If you are a fan of Vanille or will otherwise prove me wrong in some fashion, I have no reason to respond back because this is what I consider as fact. I do not want fillers/filler characters in my games or in my animes. Also, if there's some good explanation as to why she acts like that, then please reply back as to how she also contributes heavily to the storyline outside gameplay.

Relax, I am as much a fan of Vanille as you are of anger management.

Fantastic video, I knew he was going to tear it apart but I didn't expect him to leave nothing left but confetti...that's on fire. The game looked terrible but the like that I heard both from Yahtzee and a friend "Game gets better 20 hours in" is exactly what I said "NOT A GOOD SELLING POINT" 20 hours is nearly a day and I have better things to play that are great from the start.

Well, I never did understand the FF characters to begin with, so I'm starting off poorly :P
oh and good on you Yahtzee to not try an early April's fool joke...unlike SOME people >:(

I watched G4's review of this game and Adam Sessler said something about how the game doesn't even become "fun" until after the first 24 hours....

I don't think I'll ever waste my money playing this game unless someone's paying me and I still won't wait 24 hours.

Awesome!!!
Actually, a very good idea. If a game is crap during first 5 hours, sane person shouldn't try it at all.

i've got a lovely bunch of coconuts dididididi, said patsy

Again, this whole '20' hours thing has been blown out of the water as well.

The game is actually pretty fun and opens up within the first four hours. Jesus. Stop being sheep and listening to everything your internet celebs say.

Therumancer:

MatsVS:

Therumancer:
Now, he did have some very valid complaints about pacing, and the fact that the game was ridiculously linear.

Actually, that's not even nearly a valid complaint, seeing as linearity is a design choice. Not necessarily a choice you need to agree with, but a choice none the less. Reading just a single review of this game would also inform you of said linearity, thus rendering all ensuing complaints void of validity. It is akin to complaining of too much driving in a racing game, as in stupid. Really, really stupid.

Not sure if I agree with you there. Using that logic everything is a design choice and would be defined as beyond criticism, thus there would be no reviews or room for opinion. I do tend to agree with him (Yahtzee) that this part of the game was a problem, and that they made the wrong desician. Whether you and I agree or disagree on that paticular point, I think that was one of the few times in the review he bothered to address Final Fantasy XIII specifically which is why I mentioned it.

Basically what it comes down to is that even if he pans the game, I think he should do a more professional job than this. I mean work is called work because it's work. It seemed to me that he was dialing this one in because he didn't want to work on the subject. A lot of what he said could very easily have been taken from other reviews verbatim, I saw very little personal commentary on the game, and more of a general JRPG/Final Fantasy rant, and an expression of his well known hated of turn/stat based battles... and honestly he didn't even bother to try and compare the Final Fantasy XIII battle system to OTHER turn based battle systems and how it stood up within that context. Okay granted, you control one character, have an auto attack/quick combat thing (which he insisted on using), but if you actually play it how does it stack up to say Knights Of The Old Republic, or Dragon Age where you also have limited control over AI teammates when the violence starts....


I'm not picking on Yahtzee's review simply because I'm a Final Fantasy faboy, but simply because I expected more. Heck if he's going to rip the game to pieces, at least he should do so as opposed to dialing in a generic JRPG rant for most of it. I realize what Yahtzee does for this site's popularity, but I still think his bosses should call him on this one.

Oh yes yes yes, please, don't misunderstand, I agree completely. This review was so far below what I have come to expect from Yahtzee I actually took the time to feel slightly disappointed. As for the first part, I suppose it comes down to a question of rhetoric as we try to separate complaints from criticisms, which could be interesting, if we took the time. It's Easter, though, so let's not. :P

I thought the review was funny and I loved FFXIII. It was quite different from all of the other Final fantasies but thats kinda what makes Final Fantasy awesome that it keeps changing from one installation to the next. I am a little sad that Yahtzee only played 5 hours of the game :/, for something like this game which takes about 40-50 hours to complete unless you are just jetting through the game, thats like the equivalent of playing for like an hour or less on a regular game which really doesn't tell you just about anything about the game imo.

Yep, no surprises there.

That's it, no more JRPGs for Yahtzee. The reviews are sounding as samey as a JRPG hater who's never played one.

Also, no Western RPGs, FPS', or Adventure games for the next one. Do something of a genre that isn't one you've:

A -- Done half a dozen times before.

B -- Professed your hatred for half a dozen times before.

That's actually impressive.. 5 hours...

I remember when a friend showed me.. FF.. 9 or 10 or something.. and I played through the beginning part.. (watched through the beginning part and walked like 3 steps to watch the next part of said beginning)

Queue me going "Yep!! Eff dis game!"... I think it was 20 minutes for me..

The old school final fantasies are the only goodies in my book... Once they went 3d they lost their touch...

TheSquirrelisKing:
The review was hilarious as usual, but I do have something to say.
He is not an unbiased game critic. There is no such thing. Specifically, some of his complaints (the menu based combat for instance) are part of the JRPG genre, which he has previously stated to not be a fan of. I loved Final Fantasy 7, and 8 is my personal favorite RPG of all time after Chrono Trigger. That being said, I think his most rousing point is the story. It is single handedly the most important element in an RPG, or at least the most devastating if you cock it up. From the way he describes it, the story in this game is practically optional.
Really, I never planned on buying another Final Fantasy after 9 which for some reason left a bad taste in my mouth, but I am rather tempted after the description of "Cooky Spice". I am intrigued by the potential for completely insane characters. I'm just going to assume that he was using hyperbole and stay away from FF13 like I was planning on doing anyway.

It. Was. Sarcasm.

If you can't see and understand that, you shouldn't be using a computer.

Loved the ending bit about killing the... red haired cookie spice (or whatever).

Good luck with the bar, if I ever come to Australia I hope I visit it.

ShibuyaRiver:
Again, this whole '20' hours thing has been blown out of the water as well.

The game is actually pretty fun and opens up within the first four hours. Jesus. Stop being sheep and listening to everything your internet celebs say.

Yeah, disagreeing with your opinion makes us sheep. You're implying that we waited until Yahtzee made this review to hate your beloved genre- or that we didn't hate it before Yahtzee first started talking about JRPGs.

Maybe you should stop crying whenever someone insults your favwite wittle game. :(

I spent 40 hours trying to find the "Game" in this.

After realising that before i can progress to chapter 12 i need to grind for another 10 hours or so - i noticed i wasnt actually having fun and was just trying to finish the pile of poop to say i had done.

i havent turned it on since.

Toasty Virus:
I really tried to enjoy this game, I loved all the other Final Fantasy's(Even 8) but this just didnt do it for me

Although Sahz made the bits I played worth it =D

You know 8 is really quite underrated as far as the series is concerned. People often confuse "angsty drama" with "indifference". Squall just doesn't really care about anything at the beginning of the game, and that throws people off really. Sure he's not your likable Edward Cullen hero (wait did I say likable?), but he's pretty fucking normal as far as real people are concerned.

Everything else in the game is pretty standard Squaresoft Final Fantasy though.

Man, this was exactly what I expected.

Good review. I had a feeling this game would slam face first into mediocrity. Too bad you didn't play the PS3 version. At least there would've been less disks for you. :/

One thing I can agree agree with almost fully is that I'm not a big fan of JRPGs either. However, one of the best JRPGs I've played and one of the best games I've played in terms of gameplay and storyline is Tales of Symphonia for GC. Aside from the awesome story and gameplay, the 2 main reason why I prefer this game to most RPGs in general is this: NO random battles and NO turn-based combat! Those are the main reasons I can't stand most RPGs, and Tales of Symphonia as neither. Yahtzee, review this game, it's like the RPG for people who got pissed off at RPGs.

Oh boy. I just know a "friend" of mine on YouTube that's going to bitch about Yahtzee bashing an RPG again. Let this review, as funny as it was, be a lesson kids. Don't rely on Yahtzee to give you a fair opinion of something.

Mirroga:

blalien:
I'm getting a slight hunch that Yahtzee is not a fan of Vanille.

Who the fuck is a fan of Vanille, besides those gamers who think mindless, kooky, underaged girls with no visible contribution to the storyline are cute and thinks they're comic relief. They're not comic relief, they're annoying and more of a joke. The only thing I see from the "Kooky spices" are as further bait to satisfy the hungers of perverted fan-artists.

If you are a fan of Vanille or will otherwise prove me wrong in some fashion, I have no reason to respond back because this is what I consider as fact. I do not want fillers/filler characters in my games or in my animes. Also, if there's some good explanation as to why she acts like that, then please reply back as to how she also contributes heavily to the storyline outside gameplay.

Some fun SPOILER facts about Vanille:

1. Vanille wouldn't be underaged even if she weren't 500 years old, because she was turned to crystal at 19.

2. Vanille's kookiness is a front for her terrible guilt over the fact that her job is to destroy the world and the fact her attempt to dodge this fate is what got the main characters as royally fucked as they are. Seriously, she's actually not kooky at all. She completely drops all pretentious to kookiness as soon as she meets up with Fang.

3. Every saccharine word out of her mouth is a filthy goddamn lie until chapter 11. Vanille may be the most compulsive liar in Final Fantasy history.

"I checked and yep, there's already erotic fanart of FF13." rule #34, always right.

I'm seeing a lot of "It gets good after 5-6 hours and gets AWESOME after 12-13 hours" on here...

Really?? If a game takes 5 hours to become entertaining then who in their right mind is gonna sit there and play it if they aren't enjoying it? I give Yahtzee credit for lasting as long as he did...

What was he talking about three disks, i played at my mates and he only had 1.

snowfox:
I'm seeing a lot of "It gets good after 5-6 hours and gets AWESOME after 12-13 hours" on here...

Really?? If a game takes 5 hours to become entertaining then who in their right mind is gonna sit there and play it if they aren't enjoying it? I give Yahtzee credit for lasting as long as he did...

I hate JRPGs but I'd just like to point out that percentage is everything.

oh crap... he reviewed a JRPGOMG...

I enjoyed this review, I really felt that he was bashing things which were actually detrimental to the game itself, rather than just focusing on miniscule aspects for the sake of comedy. Sure, there was the footsteps thing, but shut up, that was pretty funny.

Wait, he actually liked a Final Fantasy? That's something new...

Arkhangelsk:
Eh, I thought it was a pretty bad review. Even though you have the boredom threshold of 12 picoseconds, you could at least give it a bigger chance and give it some more substantial criticism. The nitpicking was more present than the actual criticism. Yeah, I know more than 5 hours wait for a game to get good is much, but if you pick up a Final Fantasy game, you know what you're getting into.

Still, it was pretty funny, I know you do this for comedy, so I will still get FFXIII, despite all horrible things said.

Nitpicking involves criticising minor or irrelevant things. However, everything (except the walking part) Yahtzee criticised here are major parts of the game.

yanipheonu:

Vestsao:
FFXIII is the only FF game I've played and I really like it... My heart is broken and I shall now email YZ about how wrong he is and how he should reviewing games..

Which raises a great point. A lot of the nay saying is due to nostalgia. Most (actually likely all, even the linearity) of the elements people don't like have been done in FFs before.

I know it would be wonderful if FFXIII was the same as your favourite, but Square wants to make what they want.

How is the naysaying due to nostalgia if all the points of contention are elements from previous games? That makes no sense :P

And regardless, it's almost the default "covering my ears, I'm not listening!" argument of people defending an entry into an established series to suggest this. Not that it doesn't ever happen, but really LISTEN to the things people are saying about it. The complaint isn't "this game has some minor linearity", it's "this game is TOO linear." There's a big difference there. The argument is thus that the game is more linear than its predecessors, not just that it is linear. Previous games all - repeat, ALL let you freely explore the environment to a certain extent (and I'm just talking about "Numbered" Final Fantasy games here, not Tactics, etc...) from the get-go. Sure you didn't get access to the entire world right off the bat, but unlocking more and more of it as you progressed and obtained new vehicles, etc... was part of the fun of exploring. They mixed this up a bit with FFX and FFXII, but you still had the ability to backtrack, sidequest, and explore a little bit (moreso in XII). Thus, completely removing this freedom from the game is a big change.

And yes, change isn't necessarily a bad thing, but having played the game myself I can safely say that, to me, every single mechanic change they implemented is just terrible, and makes XIII far less fun than any of the previous titles in the series.

ShibuyaRiver:
Again, this whole '20' hours thing has been blown out of the water as well.

The game is actually pretty fun and opens up within the first four hours. Jesus. Stop being sheep and listening to everything your internet celebs say.

Because nobody could possibly actually dislike something you like... How exactly does it "open up" in four hours? You for damned sure can't make it to Grand Pulse in that time, which is the 20 hour mark everyone else is referring to. You're probably just talking about the combat system fully unlocking, but I don't really care about that, since the whole system is **** as far as I'm concerned. The "opening up" bit people have been talking about is when the game stops forcing you to run down straight-line corridors punctuated on either end by cutscenes, and 20 hours is a pretty accurate guess on that.

The combat system is the least-involving, least-nuanced iteration that we've ever seen with the ATB. You only directly control one character, and even that is a tenuous claim, because most of the time you'll just be hitting the auto-battle button, since battles occur in real time and thus wasted seconds are truly wasted. You can issue your party general commands with the paradigms, but think of how simplified that has made things - your control over your entire party has been essentially whittled down to the same level of control you have over squadron-mates in flight combat games like HAWX or Ace Combat. "Attack, Defend, Support" has been expanded to include "attack with magic, debuff the enemy, and heal us", but it's still an incredibly basic, AI-reliant mechanic that ensures most of what you'll be doing in battles is watching from the sidelines, casually tapping one button again and again until you need to paradigm shift. It's all just BORING. At least with Gambits when the game played itself it did so based on the rules YOU set for it.

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