Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

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I've played 7, 10, 12 and 13. 7 I made it to the golden saucer before getting bored, 10 I got to just after blitz ball and am still not bored, 12 I think I got to the sewer under a castle or something... it was like 30 minutes in anyway, and with 13 I got to where you first take control of snow. I think if a game doesn't draw you in it hasn't done it's job, when people say "You haven't given it a chance." It seems odd to me because, as the customer, surely they should be working for our approval... why should we pay for something and then desperately try to like it when we have no reason to? 13 is pretty in most places but that field where you fight adamantoise and stuff is ridiculously flat, it's just like a plane with a texture shoved on it, seems lazy, and the character's hands are all blocky like they stole them from kryten. I like the cut scenes because they look good but awesome cut scenes in amongst like 60 hours of wandering isn't really enough to hold a game together. As always with Y's reviews, even if it's you're favorite game you can't disagree with anything he says lol, man makes some damn good points.

Also, turn based combat is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever experienced. Why am I just standing here waiting to attack this thing? If it's going to attack me why can't I move out of the way? It takes all of the fun and skill out of fights, it seems like something someone would HAVE to do for a living rather than entertainment. It's retarded, if someone summons an enormous fire demon thing then they should just be able to whack the hell out of the monster with it rather than using it for like 1 turn, and why is it that everyone in your team just waits till the other guy's had a go to hit the enemies? They shouldn't be worrying about etiquette in that situation, all pile on at once nd beat the thing to hell.

Although I actually enjoy the game, I quite agree with most of your criticism. btw, when you made the comment about Vanille (the quirky one) acting like she's from outer space, it was quite ironic, because you later find out that she IS from outer space. I totally agree with you that she doesn't typically make any sense... even her narration of the story doesn't seem to match what's happening. I'm hoping that some of it was lost in translation, because my only alternative theory is that the writers at Squaresoft recently discovered meth.

I have been an (almost exclusively) RPG player, mainly playing JRPGs because according to the world I have no taste in games, and this review pretty much sums up the game. Seriously. I LIKE (well, usually like) games like this and I hated it. Character suck, story makes less sense than, well, the fact that I have created a profile on this site, I don't want to read a book that is set in the menu to get the story, because that's fucking crap.

I played Final Fantasy 8 before any of the other FF games, and it was that game that got me into gaming. I played 7 afterward and hated it. Liked 9, hated 10 and X-2 (who thought that was a good idea?) and really enjoyed 12, mainly because the gameplay was a bit different. I didn't play anything before 7 because honestly I couldn't be bothered. I don't care if they're better quality story telling. I'm shallow and enjoy 3D.

Anyway, thank you Mr. Yahtzee, for summing up everything that was bad about the game. I also only played five hours, but I watched one of my friends play his 20+ hour game for a couple of hours, and none of the characters seemed any more fleshed out and he was still running down linear hallways. I couldn't give two fucks and a slap on the ass about Douchebag with a Hero Complex or his crystallized Seraaaaaah, or Ms. I hate my real name and Lightning seems like a good choice because there's no reason to.

Also, the battle system sucks and is boring.

Hmm. I actually somewhat enjoy the game, though the difficulty curve when you get to Gran Pulse is like taking a flaming corkscrew and shoving it up your bung-hole.

Eidolon (And am I the only one who's bothered by their pronunciation of this?) battles are ridiculously difficult and pure-luck based, and the fact that character development literally takes 5 hours to begin is a major turn-off.

However I do love the Paradigm system because it for a split-second overshadows the crappy battle music.

I personally like the tactics you have to employ later on to not get screwed over in battle, the environments from time to time, some of the character development once that train gets chugging along, and the Crystalarium, but the game is seriously lack-luster.

EDIT: I think it's because of my admirable patience that I didn't gouge out my eyes at the complete crap that was the beginning, and the lack of explanation for anything that's going on.

nicodeemus327:
At least you're honest with yourself. That was rather unprofessional. Then again most of us don't watch your videos for an actual review. It's just fun to listen to a fast talking person with a English accent that swears a lot.

Would you consider Destructoid's review unprofessional? They hated the game for one very big reason, among others: Good art not compensating for a poorly executed story and game.

Read it and see for yourself: http://www.destructoid.com/review-final-fantasy-xiii-167136.phtml

From Destructiod: "The game has plenty of promising ideas. The central theme of inescapable destiny, interspersed with hints of racial prejudice and propaganda, could have been something excellent. However, not enough time is devoted to the exploration of these themes. Instead, most of the game is given over to having the characters whine about how hopeless their situation is every thirty minutes. That's when the game isn't introducing epic FMV cutscenes that contain no narrative value whatsoever, just because Square Enix's art department felt like publicly masturbating."

Agreed. I saw nothing but that sort of thing in the months leading up to the game's release, and once the game came out and someone convinced my to rent it from work, which is Gamestop by the way, I knew Square Enix had done something wrong. Afterward, I kept wondering why this game was given such high reviews, and I think it's because people know it's bad, but just can't bring themselves to admit that this game deserves a lower score than almost everyone has given it.

But, I guess word has gotten around. My store alone now has almost twenty used copies sitting in our drawers, and nearly the same number of reserves that have not been picked up yet. Plus, every time someone brings FF XIII back, they often say they didn't like what Square had done, which is give them a linear game and a poor story with nothing but nice graphics to pad it out.

And, I agree.

i read that last pause message ummm why did you even bother to check

I really felt all the final fantasy series was overhyped.

The game never actually gets good 20 hours in...you just are done with the tutorial by then.

Somehow...I managed to finish this game. It was more a dedication to finish the damn thing and my goodness that was difficult to stick through.

Much as I love XIII, Yahtzee makes some fair points. In many ways, the series has declined since VI, and while I like the later ones, VI remains one of my favourites by far. On the other hand, his "four discs" comment becomes irrelevant as soon as you dump the 360 and go PS3...

So, he doesn't like the ATB system? I personally think XIII's variation on ATB is the best so far, btw. Still, if Yahtzee wants a Final Fantasy game to give him some push-button-to-kill-enemy action, he needs to review Dissidia. I'd seriously love to hear what he thinks of that.

If Yahtzee is interested in a JRPG that doesn't have turn-based combat or characters that are agnsty teenagers with ridiculous haircuts and clothing, you should give Tales of Vesperia a try. It's currently only out on the 360 everywhere that isn't Japan (who also get it for the PS3 with enough extras to choke a donkey) and honestly the most fun I've ever had with a JRPG.

You want to press one button to walk up to the enemy to smash him on his head? That's what Tales of Vesperia and every other Tales game does. And Yuri Lowell, is one of the most badass main characters I've ever seen in a JRPG.

I bought the action figures that were released prior to the games release and find that if I had to choose between watching a game that had little to do with me actually playing it I'd rather stick to playing with the action figures and making my own story up. It was nearly just as expensive, but at least I get to control what happens, haha!

Couldn't agree with you more on the FF3 (6 in nerd speech). Ever since 7 I have no idea what Square is thinking. And people actually ask me why I didn't buy 13?

Tactics was the last good final fantasy in my opinion, the rest are just the MTV of RPGs.

Couldn't have said it better myself, I got to about 8 hours before i had to quit or risk brain damage. Some people say i didn't give it a chance if after 8 hours you have failed to make me care than something is wrong.

i wish i lived in Australia just so i could visit Mana Bar :'(

I rented FF13 recently and I think I can accurately describe it as Final Fantasy 7 with a creamy .hack//sign sauce served with a side of Mass Effect.

And I agree, Vanille is the worst Final Fantasy character ever, even worse than Tidus.

*Claps* Very funny review

didn't hate the gameplay but was severely disappointed with the plot.

1173 Comments on FFXii. Interesting.

After playing through Final Fantasy X for the first time, I can finally understand why you hate the kooky spice characters so much.

God I wanted Rikku to die so much in that game. I cannot comprehend how people actually like her.

With FF7 and FF9, (the only other two FF games I've played so far.) I didn't mind Yuffie and Eiko so much. The former because she's a ninja and ninjas are awesome (also she's an optional character for people who hate that kind of character), the latter because she's a little kid, therefore it makes sense for her to act that way.

Wow, It's Games like THIS that make me glad I don't own a Console ...no, not Really :(

I have played and every final fantasy (except 11 and some spinoffs) and have generally really enjoyed them. But this game one is just plain awful.

You all DO realize there hasn't been an authentic Final Fantasy game since 9 right? Anyone who had actually been associated with the previous titles quit when Squaresoft was bought out. 10 was only vaguely assembled from scraps of notes. Every Final Fantasy since then, has been a pretender, created by a 3rd party company that Sqare Enix outsources the project too. Do some research, and for those misty eyed folks that thought they were being true to their title of choice, they may now quietly go hang themselves, for they've been feeding the murderer of their series. :)

ikyda1:
i quit after 10 hours....the greatest disappointment of 2010...can i have my money back? i know the know the answer so dont mention it

cus you sucked

AgentBJ09:

nicodeemus327:
At least you're honest with yourself. That was rather unprofessional. Then again most of us don't watch your videos for an actual review. It's just fun to listen to a fast talking person with a English accent that swears a lot.

Would you consider Destructoid's review unprofessional? They hated the game for one very big reason, among others: Good art not compensating for a poorly executed story and game.

Read it and see for yourself: http://www.destructoid.com/review-final-fantasy-xiii-167136.phtml

From Destructiod: "The game has plenty of promising ideas. The central theme of inescapable destiny, interspersed with hints of racial prejudice and propaganda, could have been something excellent. However, not enough time is devoted to the exploration of these themes. Instead, most of the game is given over to having the characters whine about how hopeless their situation is every thirty minutes. That's when the game isn't introducing epic FMV cutscenes that contain no narrative value whatsoever, just because Square Enix's art department felt like publicly masturbating."

Agreed. I saw nothing but that sort of thing in the months leading up to the game's release, and once the game came out and someone convinced my to rent it from work, which is Gamestop by the way, I knew Square Enix had done something wrong. Afterward, I kept wondering why this game was given such high reviews, and I think it's because people know it's bad, but just can't bring themselves to admit that this game deserves a lower score than almost everyone has given it.

But, I guess word has gotten around. My store alone now has almost twenty used copies sitting in our drawers, and nearly the same number of reserves that have not been picked up yet. Plus, every time someone brings FF XIII back, they often say they didn't like what Square had done, which is give them a linear game and a poor story with nothing but nice graphics to pad it out.

And, I agree.

aannnd you suck u work at game stop.....which sucks. I am a videogame designer and am here to say people gave the game high reviews becus its a good game. So shutup and go sell what i make.

Justin Blade:

AgentBJ09:

nicodeemus327:
At least you're honest with yourself. That was rather unprofessional. Then again most of us don't watch your videos for an actual review. It's just fun to listen to a fast talking person with a English accent that swears a lot.

Would you consider Destructoid's review unprofessional? They hated the game for one very big reason, among others: Good art not compensating for a poorly executed story and game.

Read it and see for yourself: http://www.destructoid.com/review-final-fantasy-xiii-167136.phtml

From Destructiod: "The game has plenty of promising ideas. The central theme of inescapable destiny, interspersed with hints of racial prejudice and propaganda, could have been something excellent. However, not enough time is devoted to the exploration of these themes. Instead, most of the game is given over to having the characters whine about how hopeless their situation is every thirty minutes. That's when the game isn't introducing epic FMV cutscenes that contain no narrative value whatsoever, just because Square Enix's art department felt like publicly masturbating."

Agreed. I saw nothing but that sort of thing in the months leading up to the game's release, and once the game came out and someone convinced my to rent it from work, which is Gamestop by the way, I knew Square Enix had done something wrong. Afterward, I kept wondering why this game was given such high reviews, and I think it's because people know it's bad, but just can't bring themselves to admit that this game deserves a lower score than almost everyone has given it.

But, I guess word has gotten around. My store alone now has almost twenty used copies sitting in our drawers, and nearly the same number of reserves that have not been picked up yet. Plus, every time someone brings FF XIII back, they often say they didn't like what Square had done, which is give them a linear game and a poor story with nothing but nice graphics to pad it out.

And, I agree.

aannnd you suck u work at game stop.....which sucks. I am a videogame designer and am here to say people gave the game high reviews becus its a good game. So shutup and go sell what i make.

Wow, well thought out response there... I'm sure your games have brilliant writing too.

The guy gave a well thought out long response and there are genuine complaints about the game whether people agree or not. I personally really like the game and am playing through it at the moment, but I have several problems with it.

crikey, wonder how much stuff this forum contains..? this comment just might make it to the 35th page..
this review is so awesome, it makes me laugh quite alot:D im bi lingual and does not speak english regurarly, so getting the most obscure references has been kinda tricky, even though i do understand about 99%. Guess humour sometimes need Full comprehension to make it to it's full extent, for somebody, but hell, i find yahtzee funny as fudge even so^^

krgskks:
Are you serious? Who the hell plays a game that isn't fun for 5 hours? I wouldn't play a game for more than one if it isn't fun or any good. And then people claim the first 20 hours are boring? What. The. Hell.
If a game is bad, then you don't need to fully play it, to say it's bad. Easy as that.

I wouldn't play for more than 30 minutes....

why does box for Final Fantasy III show up when he talks about Final Fantasy VI?

D34dM4n:
why does box for Final Fantasy III show up when he talks about Final Fantasy VI?

Because Final Fantasy VI in Japan was released as Final Fantasy III pretty much everywhere else in the world. Honestly I would like to see a review of FFVI he bashes every JRPG he comes across, with good reason, but it would be nice to see what in his mind makes for a good RPG, in a bit more detail than what he said in this review.

I usually have one or two characters in a Final Fantasy game that I like or relate to somewhat except in this game. The only character that I like "slightly" was the afro character which weirded me out because he's the type of character I laugh at and think of them as a iddiot.

Zeni Geba:
F...... you for this review yahtzee, if you're a RPG hater then "STOP PLAYING" BI....CH. Final Fantasy XIII was a very good game .your review was like leasing to an idiot talk "trying to imitate Simon Cowell" just some wannabe game critic stick to what you do best review first-person shooting games "where the plot is always terrorist attached .go kill them " SHIT.And if you think you are good Enough to critic other people work try making a game as good as Final Fantasy XIII " the 3d that you call flashy and if you look at from the side its 2d that alone shows what an ignorant small minded and un educated BI....CH"

It's alright. You can swear on the insulator. Your mom isn't going to be reading this. I know because she's too busy being fucked by Yahtzee. (and don't tell me I need to "give credit" because I would think most people who read this would know where the joke came from)

Hah, only a Final Fantasy title could generate this many responses to anything.

Inriri:

PhiMed:
Wow. 1000+ comments. Who knew that FF fanboys are even whinier than Nintendo SSBB fans?

There is no such thing as a good fanboy

Sure there is. The ones that don't have a cow when others talk crap about their beloved series are an example.

Zeni Geba:
F...... you for this review yahtzee, if you're a RPG hater then "STOP PLAYING" BI....CH. Final Fantasy XIII was a very good game .your review was like leasing to an idiot talk "trying to imitate Simon Cowell" just some wannabe game critic stick to what you do best review first-person shooting games "where the plot is always terrorist attached .go kill them " SHIT.And if you think you are good Enough to critic other people work try making a game as good as Final Fantasy XIII " the 3d that you call flashy and if you look at from the side its 2d that alone shows what an ignorant small minded and un educated BI....CH"

You do know what an objective opinion is, right? You know, freedom of thought? The right to make up your own mind? All that liberty stuff millions have died for?
Your opinion is valid. So is his. Neither of you are right or wrong. Stop wasting space with nonsense and if you are displeased, use a valid argument.

B...tch.

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