Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

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Wow. 1000+ comments. Who knew that FF fanboys are even whinier than Nintendo SSBB fans?

There is no such thing as a good fanboy

Sure there is. The ones that don't have a cow when others talk crap about their beloved series are an example.

Yahtzee wasnt really talking crap though everything he said was true personally i think he went really easy on this forsaken piece of crap Square Enix tried to call a game and mind you im saying this as a hardcore Final Fantasy fan of 1-10..oh hell ill even say X-2 wasnt that bad but 13 is a abomination (11 and 12 were just shit)

great review, I totally agree on this one, may be because I hate Final Fantasy (however I'll try The Last Story, from the same director) but you forgot to mention a couple things about this game:

-the talent specialization for your characters is THE SHIT
-the bizarre transformation are MORE shit, I mean, c'mon, a guy that transforms into a motorcycle as an skill, What The Fuck Is That?!?
-the bizarre fights, such as destroying a fifty thousand tall robot with a boomerang, that's impressive, if you get what I'm talking about

and now, let's get a little subjective here, I personally hate Final Fantasy because having a combination about hermaphrodite elves, gorgeous female characters, robots, crappy weapons like sticks and boomerang being used against badass robots being beaten by such, while there are also characters that uses real guns; the whole idea is ridiculous and stupid

forgot to mention space ships

Yes I can completely agree with everything Yahtzee said about FF XIII as in the sense that it is a crappy game and I think he went a little easy on it. The only thing that made FF XIII bearable was putting it on mute and fill in the conversations with my own words. That only still lasted about 2 or 3 hours though before I got bored. All in all I played FF XIII a grand total of 10 hours and I had no doubt within my mind that it was the worst Final Fantasy game to ever be released by Square Enix.

yeah, 1193 comments. i just didnt want to be left out. i think this leaves roughly seven people with an escapist account who haven't left a comment here.

as for the review, it is an amalgamation of every complaint i've ever heard of the game. ok then. but it was hilarious.

Well. I think some of you might find this interesting. I know a FF XIII HUGE fan. This is what happens when they see this video and attribute it to your own personal opinion.
*cracks knuckles* Fuck this shiz,

First of all, have YOU, you *****, have YOU personally played ANY of the Final Fantasy games? One, you can't comment on how shit the game is unless you've AT LEAST played three of the games, and that doe...s NOT include seven, because pretty much EVERYONE has played seven and due to that, it's lost all meaning.
Actually, scratched that, seven is epic, but you still need more than that to compare it to being shit.

Second, if you've JUST played, lets say, seven, ideally, that has been said to be one of the BEST games for its time, and even NOW its pretty good, sure, the graphics make Cloud's muscles look like fucking bricks, but that's what Runescape and Minecraft are, and I KNOW you play those, so don't bullshit to me about the graphics.

Third, the plotline of that PARTICULAR game is amazing. Dude, the most ANNOYING bitch in that WHOLE game DIES! Brutally slaughtered too! But the ONLY character EVER who can die three times and STILL make it look good. Bitches. That's impressive.
You don't see fucking Subject Delta dying three times and still making it look like he's a fucking King. Sure, he could, but he'll never be as badass as a guy with long girly hair who SOMEHOW manages to get away with the length and yet, NOT be called a chick. Sephiroth is amazing. Bitches don't know good characters.
Also, he has like... the best theme song ever.
The SECOND you hear that, EVERYONE suddenly has a smirk on their face.
It's like Michael Jackson's Thriller, the second you see it, you do the Thriller dance move.
There, I said it, Sephiroth is as great as Michael Jackson.

Fourthly, this reviewer didn't at ALL say he's played all the games, he said he's played "a few" and that he liked number six, and that is only because the plotline seemed to be 'simple'.
Dude, a plotline MAKES the fucking game.
Yes, sure, you can have too much, just like Kingdom hearts, but what fucking game nowadays DOESN'T have a huge fucking plotline?
Even Bioshock is weird. It has fucking SIX different endings so don't BITCH to me that FFXIII is too complex. At least every game is the SAME, plus, that's what Square Enix IS!
Even fucking Kuroshitsiju is fucking complex. Dude... Ciel's past is a BITCH! Square Enix LIVES for that shit!
Do you know about Vincent's past life? ...fucking hell its depressing.
Nearly EVERY single Square Enix character (game or show) has a confusing background, that's their icongraphy. If someone's plot was just "go over there" its not really that much of a game, huh?

Now, to start off on the characters in FFXIII,
I'll just stick to one, just because, well... I'm already making a lnog enough message, and I still want my fingers to be attached on by tomorrow, so I'll just complain about one.

Let's stick to Hope.
Now, this reviewer calls him a "whiney, weak, coward, socially-retarded mummy's boy."
Do you know the background for his life?
He was trying to escape with his mother, his mother wants him to life, so she takes a gun and goes off to help kill the badguys, she meets up with Snow, and in the end, she falls, Snow catches her, but then he lets go, so she dies.

Mummy's boy.
Wouldn't you be fucking upset!? if you actually WATCHED your mother FALL TO HER DEATH, you'd be pretty FUCKING upset too!
Not to mention you're hanging around with the man who LET go of her!
I'd be pretty fucking "whiney" as well!

Now for weak, BITCH
Hope is fucking POWERFUL! Not only can he attack, but he can fucking HEAL at the same time! He has SO many abilities and techniques he can use to his advantage. He's my favourite character and I ALWAYS put him into my team. He's fucking POWERFUL! Most of the TOUGHEST in the game actually, and in the first five hours of play, of COURSE he'd be weak.
You have to UNLOCK their powers, correct? So WHY is he bitching at Hope? He only played FIVE HOURS of it! I bet he didn't even get UP to the part where Hope got his healing powers.

Also, for coward.
Hope loses his mother, he SEES Snow had let go, and yet he FINDS courage in his HEART to go on and TRY and get out of this damned place so he can live in peace.
Alright. First of all, he had NO idea how to fight, and he had NO family left (besides his father, but he's not really in the gameplay) and yet he MARCHES on like a fucking BRAVE ASS BOY against ALL these creatures to survive! If it was me, I'd be hiding behind the fucking EX-SOLIDER and make her do all the work. FUCK THAT. The boy has balls. Leave him alone.

Now, he also mentions that he "grew out of games when they started to put 15 year olds in clothes made by an ichy-sketch" and lalalala I'm not going to repeat all of it.
Most of them have unique clothing. Yes, it may be revealing, but MOST of the Final Fantasy games were designed for MALES. Of COURSE males would want some fucking hot chick with HUGE boobs and skinny legs to be the main character, and to have the audience able to control her. That's how life WORKS. Square Enix is just appealing to the AUDIENCE! If they wanted ugly fat obese men, then YES, I'm pretty sure they'll design those kind of characters instead.
Have you not seen fucking music videos now a days? ALL they are is some stupid fucking half naked women shaking their ass. MEN. LIKE. THAT. WHY is this reviewer ONLY taking his anger out at ONE fucking game when nearly EVERY SINGLE THING IN THE WORLD does that! He's just making up some STUPID excuses towards one game because he wants to be funny and original. I lose all respect for you Max for liking this. Fail.

Alright, you also said Kingdom Hearts is like Final Fantasy... My question is HOW?
Because they're made by the same people?
That's like saying Coke and Sprite are the same.
Just because they're made by the same creators, DOESN'T mean they're the same.

They're completely different actually.
So they're some FF characters in KH, that's called CROSS PROMOTING.
It's a very clever scheme that LOTS of advertises do. It's everywhere actually. Even in Dog's Life there was some.
Disney characters were also in Kingdom Hearts, but not in FF, so HOW are they related?

Ugh, my fingers hurt =_=
I told you not to get me started <_<
I have also informed this person that it was intended as a joke. All is well.

jesus christ dude. calm the fuck down.

have you ever tried an Arpg (aka: Action-Role-Playing game)
if you have i'd like to know whether you liked it or not.

(if anythging is spelled wrong then forgive me fore my spelling is crfap)
oh and by the way, WOW, dude higher up, you must really be oseasd to acually give 2 shites about the plot. most PLAYERS go into a GAME for the fucking GAME asspect.

1. he said he liked the ff series right up untill 7 you twat
2. who cares (rolles eyes)
3. oh you mean like your self?
4. yes he did (see rebuttal #1)
5. wow you really like to drag on man.
6. yes very uniqe, after all, who do you know takles a dumpster truck and says there dressed for combat?
7. no, because sephroth is in it. Sephroth the bitch from ff7, fought by, OH CHRIST, a pedaphlism victem.
8. well cross-promoteing can go cross itself out from my personall list of whats awsome, and probably chock on air and die.

now don't be offended man, i'm just saying what were all thinking. so if you have a problom with this list of rebuttals, you have two choices.
1. fuck off and ignore me.
2. complain to ME about it, but that has just as much an effect as the first one, so why bother?
thank you for understanding and hope you dont write something insanely long next time. K?

In the same time it takes for this 'game' to become 'good' you can complete ME2, A much more refined and hell better game, the characters are well rounded, the story reasonably epic, the combat much better than FFXIII (mind you it could always o with improvement) and well longevity, You can play FFXIII Maybe once if your that committed and then thats it, story over you know exactly whats coming around every corner, Other RPG's like oblivion, ME, WoW (despite how much i hate it) and even at a stretch fable all have ways of mixing it up on the 2nd/3rd/4th playthrough's. At the end of the day though I think FFXIII is literally just for hardcore fans so any arguing with them is ultimately pointless.

true, true dat

Man, this comment thread went on forever! Took me months to go through all of it!

Now I can't wait for the FF XIII-2 review! Jolly times ahead!


How's the bar doing?

This should answer your question.

Man I wish Australia didn't have so many deadly things and I had enough money to convince my family to go to Australia.


How's the bar doing?

This should answer your question.

Man I wish Australia didn't have so many deadly things and I had enough money to convince my family to go to Australia.

On top of answering a joke question, 18 months late there, guy. If you couldn't be bothered to watch the video or simply forgot because it's that old, the last frame includes the line "And the bar's doing great, not that anyone asked." So I asked.



How's the bar doing?

This should answer your question.

Man I wish Australia didn't have so many deadly things and I had enough money to convince my family to go to Australia.

On top of answering a joke question, 18 months late there, guy. If you couldn't be bothered to watch the video or simply forgot because it's that old, the last frame includes the line "And the bar's doing great, not that anyone asked." So I asked.

I'm was well aware, I just wanted to be a smart ass.

Just got Final Fantasy 6 on the PS Vita. Thanks, Yahtz.

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