Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

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Yeah... That was pretty unprofessional. I'm a fan and everything, but I mean c'mon. I'm still gonna pick up this game, it looks awesome.

P.S.: I did however enjoy the credit animation.

Garfy:
Although I like the game I do have to agree about one thing, the footsteps really are very loud!

Deafening. I could hear them in my sleep as my roommate was playing it.

It was an enjoyable review and it seems I'll love it for all the reasons Yahtzee hates.At this point though it's also getting a bit boring to listen to people rip on FFXIII and FF in general.

I kind of feel for Yahtzee on this, I mean personally I love the game but he hates the genre and since he's an entertainer he doesn't really have any choice but to review it given how popular it is. What I liked about it was that the opening was essentially FF13 with a protagonist with more emotion than a fucking potato.

"The linearity in this instalment kills me too.
At least in prior games I had the feeling of a fairly large, open world from the word go, but eh..."

I agree to a point, the world of Cocoon does seem small and boxed in but the linearity did give a sense that my characters had one objective didn't care about anything else, it wouldn't exactly be in character for Lightning to talk about bringing down the entire government then seconds later run off on an irrelevant side quest to help NPC X. The stuff with Hope you can explain just by saying he's a l'Cie, he doesn't have any choice but to grab a boomerang and join the fray as Yahtzee puts it.

neat another person who like 6 most

yes sir u are funnier when u dont like the game.

I think Yahtzee's hidden message here is he will have everyone is his bar play FFXII, since its such a long game it will definatly keep customers in the bar, and since they will all (well mostly all) hate it, Yahtzee will really start pushing the booze on them claiming 'the game definatly gets better 20hours in, so stay a while and have a shot or two of whiskey everytime something angsty and over emotional happens'.

This video was as entertaining as always. Loved the part about the stove. I hope that next week we will finally see his God of War III review. If he actually is reviewing the game that is. Does anyone know if he is reviewing God of War III?

Commissar Fuklaw:

stok3r:

JakeX:

stok3r:

JakeX:
Well theres bits i do agree with and bits i dont agree with.
And i hardly call it a fair review of playing 5 hours of it. (Yes he was busy and all that blah i know )

I mean if they guy can play through Heavy Rain then he should pull up his big boy trousers and stop whining about the old days! Its modern day, things need to change and hey at least Square have tried!.........though they have lost their way when they merged with Enix.

Dude.. Enix is like the best company, mainly for their Star Ocean games, and I like the combo, you know, X-2 and shit. EH.

Meh if you like those games, thats fine with me.
Just merely pointing out how the level of awesome dropped when that merge happened. Think about it ;)

In terms of FF, yeah maybe, but in general older games tend to be better than new ones. Also there were alot more FFs before the merge than after.

But still, FFVIII is one of the best, so your right in that respect lol

But still, FFVIII is one of the best

wat

You heard me. Final Fantasy VIII. Is one of the Best. Final Fantasys

I'm disappointed in Yahtzee for reviewing a game he only played for 5 hours. I mean come on, you can't properly form an opinion about something until you've got at least half way through.

Also, I don't get why he said that FF13 and the rest of the games in the series start the same (with the protagonist on a train etcetera). The only one that did that was FF7, if I recall correctly. Yeah, I'm probably taking this too seriously, but gimme a break. Just 5h? Even I could have played more than that.

I'm surprised to hear that he liked the games before Final Fantasy VII, not that I would understand anyone liking the games after or VII, since 7 is kinda bad. I like the older games and the remakes for the DS, but I haven't played a lot of them to be honest. The games after did get pretty bad though. 7 and 8 are popular to hate, but I put my money on hating 10, man how I hated that one.

Great review as always, I'm going to check out this game when I have time (going to borrow it from a friend, NOT buy it).

Vorpal Chill:

ZippyDSMlee:
Like Dragon age FF13 is a more simple than it should be action game disguised as a AAA RPG............

Vorpal Chill:

canadamus_prime:
Yeah, I thought Final Fantasy VI was the peak of the series too.

Ditto.

FF9 was the best mechanic wise FF6 story wise.

I enjoyed FF9, but that was the last one I could possibility play. FF10 was where I drew the line.

FF9 was great it was the last true FF game the rest are Jrock fantasies that use emoy spectacle for everything.

I did finish FF8 and it was neat despite the horrible magic system and wonky romance story focus.FF7 was better in just about everything. FF10 was linear, the sphere grid was solid and blitz ball was more fun than the game itself.Equipment customization was cute but came to late to really help the game. Summons was nice but the game was crippled by the story and linearity. FF12 was linear not in level design in fact in that regard its the best FF yet but between equipment and skills it was not only linear but broken. FF13 feels like a discarded mess and its quick fall from fame in japan mirrors that at least.

Syntax Man:
Yahtzee hating a JRPG? I am surprise!!

in all seriousness I really like the game, because the story has actually engaged my (HELL of a lot more than I can say about 7, 8, 10 or to a lesser extent 12) and the combat is awesome.

FF 7,8, 10,12 have better combat and a better everything else....

The review was hilarious as usual, but I do have something to say.
He is not an unbiased game critic. There is no such thing. Specifically, some of his complaints (the menu based combat for instance) are part of the JRPG genre, which he has previously stated to not be a fan of. I loved Final Fantasy 7, and 8 is my personal favorite RPG of all time after Chrono Trigger. That being said, I think his most rousing point is the story. It is single handedly the most important element in an RPG, or at least the most devastating if you cock it up. From the way he describes it, the story in this game is practically optional.
Really, I never planned on buying another Final Fantasy after 9 which for some reason left a bad taste in my mouth, but I am rather tempted after the description of "Cooky Spice". I am intrigued by the potential for completely insane characters. I'm just going to assume that he was using hyperbole and stay away from FF13 like I was planning on doing anyway.

22+ hours in, liking the chars besides sazh a little better... oh it's getting faster now. Then I got stuck at a boss battle, and I have to grind to defeat it? What...

Also, disappointing review, I was really hoping for a good bashing but it could've been so much nicer and more original (yeah yeah every one hates vanille already >_> ).

Jamielordofgingers:
I was somwhat disappointed that he didn't point out the semi-aussie voices on Fang and Kookie Spice, but this was still an awesome review, and i'm a fan of the games.

LOL, He only played 5 hours haha, he never even saw Fang! Also, For the first 5 hours Kookie Spice (lol) doesn't exactly talk much.. she just runs around with her arms in the air making those odd 'ohh' and 'Ahh' noises... kind of like a baby haha.

OT: Completely agree with what Y said about Hope... Man that boy annoys the crap out of me... I realize that I don't think I have ever hated any video game character until now, and he is the one. Even after he gets past his 'I want to kill Snow' phase...

Other than that, I think he should have at least given the game 8 - 10 hours. Since that really is the average that most games are beatable in. Even though FFXIII obviously isn't.

Funny as always though. =D

And whoever said 'Frocobo' YES!! LOL

Yahtzee reviews a game we all know he'll hate. Several violent analogies later....

I'm sure he's going to get a lot of flak over this, but honestly, if you're not enjoying a game even a little after the first hour it's not a game for you and/or it's really bad.

DannyDeparted:
Your complaints are like a man who walks out at the beginning of star wars complaining about having to read all the flying words and claiming no emotional connection to the characters in aforementioned flying dialogue.

The Star Wars comparison is a little funny. At lunch a couple days ago, I was describing the beginning of the game as watching The Empire Strikes Back, except you start at the battle of Hoth, missing the floating backstory, and had never seen anything Star Wars related before in your life.

Of course the full story does not need to be revealed at the start, but ~some~ backstory or context would make the plot a lot more enjoyable.

I still hold the gold standard for the Final Fantasy series at VI, mostly because I enjoyed the characters and the fact that Kefka, though looking like a Cirque de Soliel member who just ransacked Elton John's closet, was the one thing big bads these days don't seem to be: competent.

Yea...bang on the money. Nice one.

I am genuinely suprised he reviewed it. He is right, it is far too long, with far too much padding, but I still liked it, and am currently on my 33rd hour on the second to last level

The big thing that has always turned me away from J-RPGs is the need for a lack of social life to complete within a reasonable time frame, otherwise you are stuck there for several months playing the same gorram game.

Sure you get your money's and yes i do like somewhat long games, but going 40-50 hours is pushing it.

Was i going to play the game before this review, no, do i intend to afterwards no, but really guys a lot of his reviews from my standpoint are spot on when it came to games I have played before (and with his accuracy thus far im not going to start questioning it now), but if you are watching for entertainment value then you are missing the point, and shouldn't get upset when he tears into your favorite game.

Review games Yatzee. Don't just go to the title screen and then bitch and moan about it.

I don't know why I expected a more accurate review after watching Battlefield last week.

stok3r:

Commissar Fuklaw:

stok3r:

JakeX:

stok3r:

JakeX:
Well theres bits i do agree with and bits i dont agree with.
And i hardly call it a fair review of playing 5 hours of it. (Yes he was busy and all that blah i know )

I mean if they guy can play through Heavy Rain then he should pull up his big boy trousers and stop whining about the old days! Its modern day, things need to change and hey at least Square have tried!.........though they have lost their way when they merged with Enix.

Dude.. Enix is like the best company, mainly for their Star Ocean games, and I like the combo, you know, X-2 and shit. EH.

Meh if you like those games, thats fine with me.
Just merely pointing out how the level of awesome dropped when that merge happened. Think about it ;)

In terms of FF, yeah maybe, but in general older games tend to be better than new ones. Also there were alot more FFs before the merge than after.

But still, FFVIII is one of the best, so your right in that respect lol

But still, FFVIII is one of the best

wat

You heard me. Final Fantasy VIII. Is one of the Best. Final Fantasys

FF8 is to complicated and the magic system sucked, the story was kinda better than any of the rest if you can cut through the wonky romance focus.

pretentiousname01:

nicodeemus327:

Emily Pritchard:

nicodeemus327:

pretentiousname01:

Jamesigh:
disappointing. i was looking forward to this review, but only playing five hours of the game makes it completely pointless.

Unless nothing changes like several people who have commented said.

And other people said it does change for the better later on. I was hoping to get something out of this review but at only 5 hours what's the point?

Something Yahtzee has always said is "it gets better later" isn't a decent excuse. I tend to agree with him, and really, how many of us are going to play a game that we hate for five hours?

Typically professional reviewers do. I guess its my fault for thinking he may be that.

"Professional" is a very interesting term since getting paid for something typically indicates a profession.

He is also right. It gets better later is not an excuse. Especially if the beginning of anything is as painful as this game. There are several other points of terrible writing/storytelling that show up in my 16 hour mission.

Twice Lightning tells another character to just call her "Light". WHAT?! you've already changed your name once. You don't get to get other people to just call you by something else. That's retarded. Especially when we know she gives out her real name later.

When Lightning meets Fang, and they are discussing the progress of the brand, Lightning shows her's to Fang. Which is right on her chest. We as a viewing audience don't get to see. The proverbial ten minutes later we are introduced to a character who wears a tie in such a fashion it might as well be a giant arrow right down her boobs. They are hiding something to be revealed later at some kinda climatic moment.

Well Lighting is reikari or something in Japaneses and they like to make nicknames for friends,ect and such. So it could be a poor translation issue call me rei instead of reikari. It may make more sense to translate it as ligh instead of light...but meh domestic translators have no imagination...

Finally... Someone who feels the same way about JRPG's.

I know some things are to be left to the imagination, but I have an urge to see the character in the credits set alight.
Make it happen.

...though looking like a Cirque de Soliel member who just ransacked Elton John's closet...

teehee

I do not get everyone's hatred of the story. Seriously, it's a dual, completely fictional world, you can not even begin to explain it all in "weaved" form in a video game. That's why that Datalog is there. If you don't understand what a l'Cie is, and you see that it's something critical that is repeated a lot, TAKE 20 SECONDS OF YOUR TIME and look up the 8 LINES OF TEXT in the datalog that explain it. It's pretty simple. Hell, it was EXACTLY the same in Mass Effect 1, and noone whined like a bitch there, did they? No, cause that one's sacred Bioware and we all sat our asses down and read up on the lore and journals for hours and hours and then came back to say "that was a good game". Fucking ridiculous.

stok3r:

Commissar Fuklaw:

stok3r:

JakeX:

stok3r:

JakeX:
Well theres bits i do agree with and bits i dont agree with.
And i hardly call it a fair review of playing 5 hours of it. (Yes he was busy and all that blah i know )

I mean if they guy can play through Heavy Rain then he should pull up his big boy trousers and stop whining about the old days! Its modern day, things need to change and hey at least Square have tried!.........though they have lost their way when they merged with Enix.

Dude.. Enix is like the best company, mainly for their Star Ocean games, and I like the combo, you know, X-2 and shit. EH.

Meh if you like those games, thats fine with me.
Just merely pointing out how the level of awesome dropped when that merge happened. Think about it ;)

In terms of FF, yeah maybe, but in general older games tend to be better than new ones. Also there were alot more FFs before the merge than after.

But still, FFVIII is one of the best, so your right in that respect lol

But still, FFVIII is one of the best

wat

You heard me. Final Fantasy VIII. Is one of the Best. Final Fantasys

Actually, two reasons that makes FF8 NOT the best FF is because:
1. The story or the romance in the story is unnecessary and very awkward
2. Out of all the combat systems, FF8 was the most unfriendly of them all. They didn't even state facts that junctioning magic is necessary and you need 100 of those magic to junction.

And that is officially the end of Yahtzee as serious game critic (No, wait, that was a long time ago). Still has the comedy value though, why else watch it?

You should really stick it out for longer, man. the game improves slightly qua gameplay and the characters develop good for once.

blackshark121:
No surprise there.

Personally, I think that Yahtzee has to put his prejudice behind him and listen to the characters, because everything that is described in the datalog is told to us in the cinematics. Also, the story is NOT going to make sense in 5 hours. The characters need the 20 to become likeable as you see their personalities unfold.

I can understand that Yahtzee likes jumping right into the action, not listening to a semi-complex drama.

That's garbage and you know it. Modern Warfare had me liking Gaz and Price within the first 2 Missions (Including prologue 'training' episode).

Harrison Ford as Han Solo gave me boycrush within 10 minutes when he lasered through Greedo (or whatever).

William B. Davis as 'Cigarette Smoking Man' (AKA C.G.B Spender) in X-files' Pilot only took one episode (in which he has no dialogue and just smokes a cigarette whilst resting against a filing cabinet) exerted quiet autonomy from everybody else and already created an air of thespian charm at first glance.

If you can't make a character relateable (or even somewhat likeable) in 5 hours of exposure maybe you're a complete failure as a writer and a human being.

Factor in bad gameplay.

Factor in crappy story.

A bad game is a bad game ... Yahtzee merely shoots from the hip rather than commenting on other aesthetics. Now lets all put Final Fantasy to rest. If each game represented a year in the life of a dog, it would be dead.

Perhaps the merciful thing is to give it a shot of potassium and cease the pain.

Disappoint? Not really.

I will say that this is hands down the most DIFFICULT final fantasy of all time. It doesn't help that you game over when your main guy dies no matter how the rest of your party is doing. Enemies PUNISH you on a regular basis. Eilodon fights are rather difficult to figure out on the first go and even then you have NO time to experiment because of the doom counter on top of your MAIN CHARACTERS head. The scoring system is unnessesary and insulting. Seriously, what are these points for? I know that you get your TP back faster if you score high, but I generally don't care enough to die in order to pull it off.

Combat comes down to some simple mechanics. If the enemy is not staggered you will do crap for damage, so punish a single enemy until it is staggered. Later you can launch it in the air and juggle it with spells and attacks until it is nothing. You can't actually chose your leader until chapter 10, so whoever the game wants you to play, you are stuck with him (like hope or vanille). Paradymes are nice, but whenever the game switches some vital characters into your party you gotta remake the ones that are actually good.

The story is pretty good. The whole '13 days' thing confuses the crap out of you for a good chunk of the game. Cinematics are all top notch. Eventually everyone gets connected in some way. While Hope seems like a useless twit for much of the game, most of the others grow on you. You actually get a much better idea of who these six characters are in the first 20 or so hours than you do in the entirity of ffxii for vaan and penelope. For much of cocoon your team is not united in cause or even traveling together. You can't really hang out and shop in towns because of the story. Monsters don't drop gil so you have to sell items or find it in the chests, which are floating spheres (?). All shopping is done online at the save terminals. Some would argue that you don't even NEED to shop through all of cocoon.

Is it linear? Until you reach pulse it's almost exclusively linear. There are some diverging paths for treasure, but you pretty much are heading towards a single goal along a narrow path (that is usually too narrow to avoid enemies). Does it really make sense to be linear? Most of the time yes, but there are a few examples where they COULD have let you do more exploring.

Casting without MP? They completely did away with MP. You can cast all you want as long as you have segments to cast with. Also your HP all come back when you finish the battle and everyone gets CP whether they lived or not, or even if they were not in your actual party when the battle happened. It feels odd to come back to a previous characters story and have 10000 CP waiting for you before you even fight anything, but I'll never turn away free CP.

I enjoyed playing the game. It's highly frustrating at times. It's very nice that when you game over you can restart just before you enter the battle rather than going back to the save point. That would have been a deal breaker if it would have been the case.

Sillly Yahtzee you've got to stop breaking the fourth wall.

stok3r:

JakeX:

stok3r:

JakeX:
Well theres bits i do agree with and bits i dont agree with.
And i hardly call it a fair review of playing 5 hours of it. (Yes he was busy and all that blah i know )

I mean if they guy can play through Heavy Rain then he should pull up his big boy trousers and stop whining about the old days! Its modern day, things need to change and hey at least Square have tried!.........though they have lost their way when they merged with Enix.

Dude.. Enix is like the best company, mainly for their Star Ocean games, and I like the combo, you know, X-2 and shit. EH.

Meh if you like those games, thats fine with me.
Just merely pointing out how the level of awesome dropped when that merge happened. Think about it ;)

In terms of FF, yeah maybe, but in general older games tend to be better than new ones. Also there were alot more FFs before the merge than after.

But still, FFVIII is one of the best, so your right in that respect lol

With FFVIII i think we have established a point of agreement :D
Respect to you mate.

dragonshardz:
Screw bias when JRPG's are involved. I always hated them and I always will. Hail Yahtzee! :)

My thoughts exactly. FF has always been an entirely subjective game, the only people I know that play it are the ones who are totally immersed in Japanese culture. I'm not immersed in Japanese culture in the slightest... I played one Final Fantasy at a friends a few years back, I don't know which ridiculous Roman numeral it was, but it was pretty confusing, and the turn based combat was just crap... certainly didn't make me want to rush out and buy it for myself. Its a very fan based game, its one of those games that get the 'If you like the last ones, you'll like this one. But if you haven't played or don't like the others, don't bother with this' treatment. The only thing I kept from my last FF experience was Skies Above by the Black Mages.

Well we all knew the outcome but i hope people just don't put this in the "JRPG hater" pile becuase FF13 is genuinely a bad game. By the measures of modern gaming FF games have been sub-par for over a decade as the world of gaming steams into the future all arround them. The same is true for most (but not all) JRPGs whos CONTINUAL insistance on having simply bat shit crazy plots with a stright face and a whole host of pretense, pomp and angst.

It was kinda cute in the 90s when video game stories simply consisted of an intro and maybe an outro but things have vastly improved since then and gaming stories actually can stant at least near movie stories. Also GCI cutsenses and liniar exploration and background focused graphics was nice when it was the best you could do with CD tech, things have moved on and what was a techical breakthrough for the PS1 has become simple dogma.

P.S. my attention span is less than a peco second. its more like 5.36x10^-44 seconds

(props to anyone who gets that pretty involved semi physics joke)

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