Escapist News Network: Blizzard Warning

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unacomn:
He makes a good point, would a map of Florida get removed from Starcraft 2? It is shaped like dong.
Quick, does anyone have a map editor on hand to test this?

Or map of Scandinavia?

Ok, that dude is a loony, and I love him. He was just making sh*t-up on the fly. And what was his name? "Hobo Bob?". You guys need to bring his crazy-ass back. Next he can tell us about the "Airplane Jet Trails".

Wow, even they mention the MG cracdown. I wish the server would go back to how it used to be.

Crap. No internet in the Universe is safe!

It was only a matter of time until you picked someone like Rex to join your team. Oh ENN, you so crazy.

Crazy rant my ass... we've already been shown an example of this behavior in a three part movie series. Perhaps you've heard of it... it was called The Matrix! Yeah kids, Blizzard wants a real life version of The Matrix! With the money they've made over the last six years, is it really that hard to believe that Blizzard could afford to construct a tower to house thousands of "gamers" to "play" their games... really, they just want to suck the life force out of people to power their servers so they can in turn drain their bank accounts to build more towers to house MORE gamers to continue this digital ponzi scheme in order to have the world's largest economy in their own studio! They will drain our biochemical energy to power their servers to keep their games running, luring more and more people into their games and sell them "guild housing" (those are the towers!) and invite them to "move in". Once there, they will hook them into the game through a new type of virtual reality suit that will convert the electrical impulses of the brain and their heat into usable energy. Our poop will be converted into a biofuel to run their damned hybrid cars and spaceships!

We are now officially through the looking glass here, people. The Matrix, Lawnmower Man, Virtuosity... these movies were all warnings about Blizzard and the appeal of online gaming and the dangers they pose on our future. You can't stop the machine, you've already fed the beast so much it can already become self-aware. Role-playing and LARPs will soon become the same thing in this "virtual world" in which we will no only inhabit, but will eventually literally give our very lives in order to keep it going. Where will it end? Will there be a Neo to unplug us from this cyber-apocalypse? There has been no government oversight to stem the tide of Blizzard's growth in this era, so while they've just been getting richer and more powerful, the government which is sworn to protect us has just been sitting on their hands, collecting tax money from this company and turning a blind eye to their unchecked growth and potential threat to the world. Their fanboys plague the internets with their relentless fanaticism and refuse to believe anything but what their Big Brother Blizzard tells them. They will blindly follow their leader into the depths of their insidious plans to rule this world, and eventually conquer the entire universe, spreading the StarCraft and WarCraft virus to alien civilizations and peoples until all are under the spell of Blizzard.

Unless Will Smith gets his act together, we're all screwed. Oh shit... Seshin! Damn it, they've gotten to Will Smith. Those crafty bastards have all the angles covered. That's it, game over man. We're officially done for now. Get Gene Hackman and his Faraday cages ready, it's time to join the ranks of the Mole people and Saul.

(Top THAT, ENN!)

That was just about a near perfect conspiracy rant.

I was surprised Wes/Rex didn't mention the development time for Starcraft 2 when he talked about patience.

Really? I thought they were just going to buy Mars.

GrahamS:
Blizzard Warning

ENN delves into the darkness behind everyone's favorite studio.

Watch Video

erm... make years isay Blizzard is overrated...

I love the conspiracy theorist. Can we see more of him?

And by the way, I have never heard that many metaphors for masterbation in such a short amount of time.

The best thing is that many would have believed this kind of conspiracy if it didn't come from a comedy show.

Organized sabotage of dick. Lol.

Wow.. I'm a fan of ENN but this is the first time I see a show that combines good humor and good acting. Way to go new guy! :)

THREE DEAD TROLLS IN A BAGGIE!! Dude I love u guys

Can we get every episode hereafter to end with Kathleen saying several euphemisms for masturbation and masturbatory behavior? Because that's an absolutely astounding way to finish anything.

hudsonzero:
part of me thinks that a blizzard employ is watching this and thinking "we could do that"

This ^ I hate the Corporate States of America. I miss the United ones :*( Activision Blizzard is fast turning into another Microsoft. Why must we addictively feed their moneylust?! And to think I own both Diablo II and Starcraft I. I am ashamed. *anxiety pill*

I love me some good satire. Also, yea 30% is a very conservative figure.

More from this guy please!!!

He reminds me of this guy

210 million... A month.. Damn.. Now I want a job at Blizzard.

Seriously though, it was a good episode, with a great actor, he's been in other episodes but I'm glad to see him as a reporter now, and it does raise some questions as to what Blizzard is doing with all that money..

That guy is no Rick Mercer.

he seems legit, now if you excuse me im gonna go play halo 1

Sapient Pearwood:
Why do I just feel like I've had a conversation with a particularly awesome hobo?

You also? Glad I wasn't the only one!

33% for molesting that donkey! Just don't ask WHAT they're slapping the weasel to. >.>

"Have you ever seen a map of Florida?" was not a line I was expecting. I almost spit out my pop tarts, that was great! I like these indepth special reports, we should have more of them!

Blizzard NOoooo!!! :o

Now I'm afraid to log onto StarCraft 2, they may be watching me for future experiments into the human mind and playing one of their games. Curse them, I cannot disobey!

PS: I seriously want a tinfoil hate. I've never had one, but I want one.

Funny as always but an episode without a Quickbender report is vaguely unsatisfying.

That guy was awesome. the Blizzard piece was hilarious... and disturbingly informative
haha

stukov961:

unacomn:
He makes a good point, would a map of Florida get removed from Starcraft 2? It is shaped like dong.
Quick, does anyone have a map editor on hand to test this?

Or map of Scandinavia?

But you see, the Scandinavians would never think of that. That's the difference between Europe and the U.S. Americans are always talking about their wangs. Scandinavians have come to accept them.

Anyway, that was remarkably good conspiracy material. Best ENN i've seen since last week, and I mean that in all sincerity.

I'm scared friends, I'm scared.

Time to actually stop procrastinating and dig that bunker!

*looks for shovel*

People are lowballing that number.

Dr. Awesome Face:
Ha Ha Kathleen's hair is still blue.

That wasn't the part that seemed off to me. The part that seemed off was that her hair was parted differently in the previous episode.

Nice job making fun of conscious consumers, I heard the companies using child labor to keep the costs down while selling their products for 200$+ and the weapon industry needs some help too with their image, why don't you head that way next?

I, for one, welcome our icy cold overlords. No, I'm not being made to say this, no-one has any of my family and neither are they threatening to kill them. Honest.

This guy is clearly a nutter, nobody sensible would think Blizzard wanted to rule the world.

But I sure do wish they'd take these electrodes of my testicles

Imho; BEST. ENN. EV4R.

Crazy conspiracy theories aren't presented to the standard populace enough for their symptoms to be easily recognized. So not only is this funyy as hell, it's also a public service.

i am a philosopher, i always found the yin yang to depict our existence, however not in a spiritual way, there are other misconstructions that point to the yin yang (an existence within a nothingness).

That is a good question. What the hell are they doing with all that money?

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