Zero Punctuation: Call of Duty: Black Ops

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Hrm.

Didn't even crack a smile at that. I guess I just don't find 'genocide' to be funny in any context.

I suppose you could consider me an 'overly sensitive' type because of that. But even laying that aside, this ZP reeked-

positively reeked!

-of lazy self-indulgence. Of uninspired 'jokes' (and I use the term loosely)... it seemed you didn't even try, really...

Seriously, Mr. Croshaw, on the off chance you actually delve deeply enough in the comment thread to read this, perchance tell me what you were attempting to accomplish with this drivel?

Because honestly, this presentation seemed to be an unfettered can of complain, with very little in the way of logical (or even LOLgical-- fuck... I'm copyrighting that word right now... LOLgical is fucking perfect!) critcism.

Anyway, I don't give even half a shit about Black Ops, but your review failed so completely on every level that I'm sure I'll at least remember the name.

You're better than this.

Post-script: I should probably offer some examples... and I promise to revisit this thread and do so... Probably tomorrow. Too sleepy now.

canadamus_prime:

The Cheezy One:
And yes, zombies do seem to be a necessary requirement now.

Whether they actually fit or not. I'm looking at you Red Dead Redemption.

That was just random. I mean, what are you smoking, Rockstar?
Also, this may be the first ZP I've seen in a where no-one has "first"ed.

Bloody good.

Pirate Kitty:
God lord, that virgin metaphor was disturbing.

Yet somehow disturbingly accurate....I'm scared now O_O

These games are just recruiting tools for the military. I mean, 90% of the US videogame production revolves around playing a soldier: grunts, spacemarines, superheroes WITH GUNS. And then voilą, you get the new batch of cannon fodder for Iraq, easy as that.

Wait about a week or two and we get to play Korean War II: Electric Boogaloo for real.

Has anyone 'shoppped up a good photo of Kim Jong-Il's head stuck on Slim Picken's body riding the bomb yet?

Also fighting pirates off the coast of Yemen as that's where most of the attacks are now:
http://www.icc-ccs.org/home/piracy-reporting-centre/another-live-piracy-map-2009

No Fable 3? I was hoping Peter Molyneaux would call you up again.

I say we bomb Germany again, just to keep them guessing. No, we're not cool for the jews yet, Germany. Here's a reminder. Want another one? Then shut the fuck up.

Haha, this is one of the best ones I have seen in a while!

Im actually gonna take in this review wether nor not to buy this game.

But as usuall, very content with this episode. Enough laughs for the morning hours of boredom.

I don't usually comment, but this was the most entertaining episode in 2010 so I just have to say: LOL!

the SP is nothing special. i play it at times but the MP is what makes this game great. i was hoping he would say something about the MP. a bit disappointed there.

you know what was great? COLD war. yeah, I could go for one of them about now. the thrill is all in the chase anyway, right?

Gabriel Stone... any relation to Blake?

I have never laughed so much at a ZP since SSBB Mailbag.

Genius. Almost made Dr. Strangelove look subtle.

I am now really glad I stopped playing the CoD games and openly say they are shit....

angelblack:
Awww, I was hoping for Assassin's Creed.

Oh well, fun review nevertheless.

I second that.
And I agree with the war thing. America should just contact NKorea and meet up in the desert. Then bomb the hell out of each other. China should also stop being a bastard and stop supporting NK already. You guys are the only reason North Korea still bloody exists. Well, that and NK's nuclear bombs.
Also: The virgin/howler monkey thing was..disturbing.

Okysho:
I don't really approve of his pining for war, but overall I have to agree with some of his political... metaphors...

He's not the one pining, Treyarch and the other wargame developers are.

Though to be honest, I think that these games are actually fulfilling that "let's have a war" desire a low economy brings on, and that without them we'd probably be greasing up the tanks.

Hahaha... I've grown to expect great reviews from yahtzee and he never disappoints.
Single player was a bit short but a massive overload of action and locales and I loved it.

Multiplayer is where it's at.
Bigtime.

Yes, russia needs to invade america. test out some of our new tech. can we count on the aussie assistance? we need them augs for something other than kangaroo shootin'

Nocturnal Gentleman:

Therumancer:

That said I think Yahtzee needs to understand the differance between "Espionage" and "Black Ops.". Espionage is when you send in the shadowy spies and do quiet, sneaky stuff. Black Ops. are off the books military operations. One country violating another's national sovreignty to kill people and break things while maintaining denial that you did any such thing.

Typically Black Ops. are conducted in such a way that stuff just gets destroyed and lots of people die, but there is no one around to tell you who did it.... if they go right. If they fail then typically they try and kill themselves, or give false information about who they actually work for.

I think the majority of people who bought this needed to know the meaning of Black Ops. I see way too many complaints on lack of stealthy gameplay.

Also, the America needs to be wiped out comments need to stop. To have a major country collapse would have serious ripple effects. The world is too connected to say mess like that lightly.

The "America needs to be wiped out" stuff is pretty much the same thing any dominant world power has gotten. It's just with advances in media we can hear more of it, much more quickly. Spain, Britan, France, and others have all gotten their chance at being dominant global powers and every one of them was hated at the time. We're nicer than most other dominant global powers were, but that doesn't change the fact that the people on the bottom of any system are ALWAYS going to be discontent, and the rest of the world is always going to be envious when they see another culture dominating because every people ultimatly wants their way to be #1 in the world and to be assimilating other people like dominant world powers do.

In general I just respond to that with a lot of pro-Americanism. Sadly with the left wing dominance in this country you don't see as much of that in response as we probably should.

*THAT* said, I am somewhat irritated that there is a dual standard on these forums. I once made fun of France and got moderated for it (one of the few times that has happened), yet I notice our mods/Red Guard do not do the same thing in response to anti-American comments. Then again I generally have a policy of not reporting people for messages that bug me, part of my personal beliefs in free speech.

-

At any rate, on the subject, I'm glad this helped clarify this. "Black Ops." are "Black" because they exist off the books, and ops. are "Operations". It's differant from "Covert Ops.".

The big differance being that the USA at least has always admitted to being involved in Espionage. The CIA is a publically known organization, as are defense organizations like the NSA (general national counter-espionage) and Secret Service (focused protection for our higher ups). Everyone knows those guys are "spooks" they just don't know what their doing at any given time.

The Military on the other hand is not *SUPPOSED* to act except during times of war, or in very specific policing capacities. Thus when our military attacks someone it's kept hush-hush. I believe the term first came into usage during the time period of this game when certain bean counters started saying "WTF, who pays $1,500 for a hammer?" and things like that. This is how the military was concealing the money that was going into operations in other nations. Groups like the CIA have it simply as part of their budget for the most part.

Incidently this is also why a lot of fiction on the subject is idiotic. It's lead people to the expectation that there are secret files, discs, and other things that catalog these kinds of operations somewhere. The entire point of "Black Ops." is no records, at all. The only hint that something might have happened is that someone in the goverment paid $10,000 for a toilet seat to conceal where that part of their budget actually went. Other countries are the same way. This is why anyone who expects any kind of "proof" about off-the-books military ops (being called off the books for a reason) they are insane. Yet fiction lead people to believe that there could be evidence and proof gathered in things like "The War On Terror" when by definition people do not keep records on the kinds of things being done specifically so there can never be definate proof even if someone is captured.

In reality with lack of proof and the nature of international business, your typical Black Op. is going to be reported as something else. No nation is going to accuse the US of coming into their country and blowing up some buildings to get a few people. Not only due to lack of proof to the international community, but also because the kind of nation we do this stuff to doesn't want to admit that we can hit them anytime we want to. Thus all the damage being done is going to be blamed on 'natural disasters', 'gas leaks', 'gang wars', and similar things.

Island:
i don't play fps so i don't really care about the game, just looking for a laugh, and i have to say, i tire of the anti-America nationalistic superiority kick that is so in fashion at the present. I'm not angered by it or anything just bored with it.

So in fashion at the present? It's nothing new & if anything, & this is from memory, it's diminished over the last four decades. Bear in mind that it's mainly, though not exclusively, due to the US' history of bizarre foreign policies.

Edit: Grammar.

Optimystic:

Okysho:
I don't really approve of his pining for war, but overall I have to agree with some of his political... metaphors...

He's not the one pining, Treyarch and the other wargame developers are.

Though to be honest, I think that these games are actually fulfilling that "let's have a war" desire a low economy brings on, and that without them we'd probably be greasing up the tanks.

That's a good point. But for people who don't play video games... we're finding ourselves in the same situation. It feels like the economic downturn before WWII all over again (not that I'm will into my 90s or anything, I just take history courses at school)

Besides that, now that the Republicans have taken over most of the US, it feels like there's only a matter of time before things spill over. Those guys have their own hidden agendas are I swear have got some loose cannons that manage to get whatever they want when they're in power...

But that's all politics for another thread.

I'll admit the howlermonkey might have been a bit too far, but hey, that's yahtzee. He's right though about the messages that CoD are sending... I always suspected that they were some sort of propaganda material and waved it away because I didn't think anyone would stoop that low, but after playing them, I'm beginning to think that maybe Activision is getting some under the table funding from a PMC or something and in exchange they provide gullible recruits...

Please prove me wrong... it's actually not a pleasant thought

Therumancer:

*Too much to be reposted*

That's the way the world is, sadly. The US is the punching bag for impotent rage for mostly undeserved reasons.

gee this was a great review , black ops should of been an add on to mw2 ... zombies again ? i hate fuck'n zombies ... as for the game it should of been a multiplayer game only with a training mode to get players leveled up faster... as for earning cash in the game ,that was pointless

Sir John the Net Knight:
These games are never going to have good single player modes. Not when hordes of sweary, teabagging teenagers are lining up to pay for multiplayer mode so they can wave their digital derriere at someone's bullet ridden corpse.

Yes, and this is a shame, because the story in the first Modern Warfare was not too bad, and was of an actual decent length so as not to feel completely ripped off.

I guess those days are gone, after the ten minute single player that was MW2.

Fuck multiplayer. Srsly.

Dear Yahtzee (or whoever reads these posts, if anyone)

Thank you very much for the first good laugh I've had from watching a ZP episode in way too long.

Sincerely,
Me

As a non-American I can say that the part about America almost gave me a boner. That was a really good review. And it's obvious that the Americans were offended, they whine like little girls. If you guys don't want the rest of the world to hate you, vote for politicians who will close all of your 1000 military bases situated around the globe, and will stop meddling with the inner policy of the countries around the world. You fooled yourself with the illusion that you're the good guys for too long. It's time for reality check.

What our politicians do is out of our hands. They will say anything to be voted in. And I fail to see how Anti-Americanism is a good thing, or at least a good thing to you.

Sneaklemming:

This is only an interactive movie...

If I heard correctly, he is playing on hardened? Even though that is the first level of the game, and its more or less meant to introduce the player to the "Michael Bay American Jerk off session that is call of duty," and not provide too much of a challenge to the player, it is still a shame to see that this is what single player shooter experiences have come to. (Just a string of heavily scripted events.) This can't even really be called an interactive movie. It's more like being a camera man with a gun in his hand, while you watch the action unfold and have the opportunity to shoot a little if you get bored. I was also going to say a rail shooter without the rails but at least in those you kind of have to shoot.

Okay Yahtzee. I came into this review expecting you to complain about it, as you do, but for it to be somewhat funny. No I got you being an anti-American douchebag again. To the point I'm actually disgusted enough with you to tell you so. Given my penchant towards apathy that's kind of impressive.

This here is what you appear to be degenerating into.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SmallNameBigEgo

A pretentious ass with delusions of grandeur. Delusions which are certainly not aided any by your legions, or perhaps hordes is the more precise term, of adoring sycophants.

While I agree some behaviors may be overblown, your strong hatred of America seems to border on the pathological. The type of thing you tend to see in the very ignorant. Which is amusing as it seems to be what you constantly rally against.

Also as for the game itself. It is a black ops game. It's just basically what happens in black ops when everything that can go wrong does.

As for the world war thing. I actually do agree with the idea on a hypothetical basis that mankind needs a bit of culling. However, the manner in which you suggested it is telling of your ignorance. Because you know all the people who need to be culled live in America right? Not anywhere else?

Why not invade Australia? As obviously the only kind of people there are hardcore fascists intent on censoring all thought that doesn't please them, and pretentious asses like you. Wait I just repeated myself didn't I?

That last bit was obviously facetious for the stupid out there. However, it was a sign I can make the same ignorant generalizations as you can sir.

Note, I am somewhat ambivalent about my homeland as it stands. However, that doesn't mean I don't grow intensely tired of listening to everyone acting like we are the devil or whatever other omnipresent evil people wish to portray us as.

Countries are made of people. Lots of people are corrupt, stupid, or hateful. Painting everyone in a large country with the same brush is just insulting.

If you didn't go back again and again and again with your america hate I would attribute it to normal joking or misanthropy however you keep coming back to it.

In conclusion, I hereby request that you remove your bloated pompous head from your ass and maybe stab a pin into your head to let some of the ego and hot air out of it. Then you could attempt to make normal funny ranting reviews of video games without all of this ignorant political bigotry vitriol that has become so disgustingly prevalent of your reviews of late.

Good day sir.

i doubt Yahtzee will read this but if he does, when did you start to make this week's episode cause earlier in the week the North and South Korea started to fight again, if it does start another Korean war, what's the chances that Korea might attack the US if they get involved, or Russia sees that while the US army is gone, they can come and invade

i've also noticed that a lot of war games is the US fighting Russia, why does it have to be killing that settles the fight, why cant the 2 just play 50 rounds of rock paper scissors every year, looser has to give up territory, or even better, why doesn't a game designer make an Online FPS game that countries can use to fight wars in, so instead of waisting money, time killing each other they can just waist time killing each other online, that way we can see who are the biggest jerks why counting the number of times someone teabags a corpse

C.C: cause if we could do that, wouldn't game designers be gods than
Me: not till Panderis is done
C.C: then what about getting countries to fight wars in Wow, after all, it's called World of Warcraft, a world of the Craft of War
Me: notice how i never said about waisting lives, we would still waist some lives in an online FPS game but if we used WoW for wars, we would be waisting way more lives, Wow is the 2nd most destructive weapon to nukes

"Hey eastern europe, how about we do the genocide this time? *flicks a switchblade out*"

Couldn't stop laughing at that.

Thedek:
Okay Yahtzee. I came into this review expecting you to complain about it, as you do, but for it to be somewhat funny. No I got you being an anti-American douchebag again. To the point I'm actually disgusted enough with you to tell you so. Given my penchant towards apathy that's kind of impressive.

This here is what you appear to be degenerating into.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SmallNameBigEgo

A pretentious ass with delusions of grandeur. Delusions which are certainly not aided any by your legions, or perhaps hordes is the more precise term, of adoring sycophants.

While I agree some behaviors may be overblown, your strong hatred of America seems to border on the pathological. The type of thing you tend to see in the very ignorant. Which is amusing as it seems to be what you constantly rally against.

Also as for the game itself. It is a black ops game. It's just basically what happens in black ops when everything that can go wrong does.

As for the world war thing. I actually do agree with the idea on a hypothetical basis that mankind needs a bit of culling. However, the manner in which you suggested it is telling of your ignorance. Because you know all the people who need to be culled live in America right? Not anywhere else?

Why not invade Australia? As obviously the only kind of people there are hardcore fascists intent on censoring all thought that doesn't please them, and pretentious asses like you. Wait I just repeated myself didn't I?

That last bit was obviously facetious for the stupid out there. However, it was a sign I can make the same ignorant generalizations as you can sir.

Note, I am somewhat ambivalent about my homeland as it stands. However, that doesn't mean I don't grow intensely tired of listening to everyone acting like we are the devil or whatever other omnipresent evil people wish to portray us as.

Countries are made of people. Lots of people are corrupt, stupid, or hateful. Painting everyone in a large country with the same brush is just insulting.

If you didn't go back again and again and again with your america hate I would attribute it to normal joking or misanthropy however you keep coming back to it.

In conclusion, I hereby request that you remove your bloated pompous head from your ass and maybe stab a pin into your head to let some of the ego and hot air out of it. Then you could attempt to make normal funny ranting reviews of video games without all of this ignorant political bigotry vitriol that has become so disgustingly prevalent of your reviews of late.

Good day sir.

You cannot fathom how much I agree. It an agree-a-palooza here.

Thorinair:
What our politicians do is out of our hands. They will say anything to be voted in. And I fail to see how Anti-Americanism is a good thing, or at least a good thing to you.

Pretty much what I was going to say. In fact the more I see of this anti-american mess the more it feels like I'm watching a schoolyard bullying scenario. People insult what they don't understand. They come up with solutions that are never as easy as they think they are. They over generalize to the point where it's painfully obvious that they're just following someone else or again don't know what they're talking about. It's ridiculous.

Plus, I find the death to Americans mess kind of disturbing and somewhat ironic. People from other countries agree that we're just a variety of world cultures mish-mashed on the same continent. You know, including people that probably came from their country and proudly represent it every day. I don't even think people realize how many Americans are dual citizens. All my friends in high school had at least one parent from another country.

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