Zero Punctuation: iPhone Games

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The thing is, every iPhone game is just a shitty knockoff of a flash game you can play for free on the internet.

Maybe Yahtzee should just go on Kongregate or Newgrounds or something and just spend a few hours having some real fun.

Way to go on the "Kinks" reference Yahtzee! :)

Great review too.

Mars isn't that bad a place as long as you don't mind all the Ipho.... I mean space gear owning douchebags waving their latest tech around, the cunts. I mean, what do you people have aginst good old buttons.... I mean breathing by way of nose?

How do I breathe on Mars? That's easy, I live in a greenhouse. Now hacking into the FBI's cybercrime division using satellites in order to have an internet connection, that's hard.

BTW the view from the top of Olympus Mons is really nice this time of year.

Mars is actually really nice this time of year.

I don't actually go to Mars, I just astrally project myself there.

Iphone shymphone. I have a HTC desire and actually the fruit ninja game I heard of first on the android phones, then again I don't care about the I phool (ok, ok, I'm pushing it).

Also, I'm all smug sitting here behind a giant glassfacade watching a vista of mars, it's nice this time of year.

Also, I do ALL of my gaming needs on the PC, thank you.

Not that anyone is still reading this after 8 pages of iPhone hate, but. :(

While I think gameplay-wise there's a much greater diversity across the top iDevice games than there is on most other platforms, the market does seem to have settled on a single (visual) style ('soft cartoony') that bugs me. There's nothing wrong with it, and there are games where it's well-suited (Angry Birds is actually a decent example), but otherwise it reminds me of the late-'90s Windows shovelware market art-wise, and that's not a great place to be. (It's probably not coincidental that both are platforms where the 'little guy' has disproportionate visibility; good-enough cartoony art is almost certainly cheaper than good-enough realistic art.) There are a bunch of exceptions, don't get me wrong, but it feels like by far the predominant theme and I think the platform's marginally worse for it.

(Okay, one bit of nerd-rage, since I can't resist. One thing folks are missing is that even in cases where an iPhone game is fundamentally a remake of a Flash game, the games still have different feels to them; the physical, tangible act of flicking your finger creates an inherently different sense of play than drag-clicking a mouse does. It's no coincidence that physics puzzlers are so prominent on the iDevice; you feel the physics.)

Every popular iPhone game is stolen from somewhere else. Angry Birds is just Crush the Castle 1 with bird graphics.

I don't own an iPhone because the only difference between them and any other decent phone is a few decent games, Apple connectivity and about $1000.

Every single one of the "iPhone games" showcased is just a knockoff of several free to play flash games. Spend an hour on Kongregate or newgrounds and you'll have played angry birds 3 times of different flavors, it just wont have birds or pigs. The console equivalent would be taking a metroid game making Samus a dinosaur and all the metroids various breeds of dog, while still having the entirety of the gameplay, levels, and story line the same, and then releasing it on xbox and hailing it as something new and exciting.

and as for Mars, turns out it's rather easy to breathe here so long as you're not the smug type who enjoys paying double for the apple logo.

I have survived by having an ipod touch and a normal cell phone, yet i plan on getting rid of my ipod touch and getting a zune hd because i hate apple

of all the fucking things... why didnt you just show a clip of you sucking jobs' small cock!?

next week we'll look at macintosh games getting the praise as well won't we?

i'm fucking disappointed

Wait - no 100 Rogues?! Hit it up next time, Yahtzee. You'll like it. It is one of the few truly original games on the iPhone, with fully animated pixel art and SNES style music.

Here's the soundtrack

There was an iTouch here, now it's gone.

i.e. someone stole mine a few weeks ago.
Even when I had it I was too cheap to pay for the updates to my first gen iTouch since I only used it for music anyway.

I don't own an iPhone because the only difference between them and any other decent phone is a few decent games, Apple connectivity and about $1000.

i don't live on mars, I just don't have the 1000$ dollars for an iPhone (or any of its competitors)... I use one of those old "dumb phones", it is a small and svelte phone with no blue teeth, no inter tubes, no games, not even a calculator... it has an alarm clock and thats it.
Maybe one day when I am not a poor college student...

Maybe I truly am in the wrong place, and by place I mean planet, but I see little to no positive aspects about the iPhone when compared to other, objectively and subjectively better, less pricey alternatives.
Then again, games for mobile phones (such as my marvellous Nokia 5800XM *coughSymbianIsDeadcough*) are getting more interesting to me, commuting to and from uni every day for about an hour each way. Sure, as Yahzee pointed out, there's no shortage of, lets call them, Zen games, but, comma, it's a way better good/bad ratio than you find looking into a retail store shelf.

My opinion, of course :P

it is a bit hard, but it is possible. It includes a fishbowl and some plant matter.

iPhone < HTC

Because unlike the Apple crowd, I have freedom to choose between all my fart apps.

I'm very good at terraforming. (NERD JOKES NERD JOKES)

I played Doodle God, and like he said, it's fun at first when the combinations actually make sense but then it's completely random. How exactly does beetle and sand equal scorpion?

Internet + kittys = youtube? i cant say i disagree

This video was much better then CODBO, but I hope that he will do fable 3 next time.

Interesting. I know that it might not be "easy" except for the simple internet search of a small Googl-ite, but I would have liked to know if these were also on the Android marketplace. Not that i have something running it, yet. I would just like to know incase i happen upon something that can do this miraculous thing called "Gaming" in the same place as the other thing called "texting" and "calling". Seems rather odd to me, but it might be worth a shot ;)

Speaking of the Visual "iBone" on the part of Apple fucking something:
Actual app. Which i want, but no want of iPhone

The thing is, every iPhone game is just a shitty knockoff of a flash game you can play for free on the internet.

Maybe Yahtzee should just go on Kongregate or Newgrounds or something and just spend a few hours having some real fun.

Or maybe we should rip off some of the games from Kongregate, change the graphics, and make a shitload.

My Iphone got stolen. That is why I don't have one Yahtzee. (Send me one)

How quaint, Yahtzee doesn't see how anyone could survive without an iPhone!

The Resident Evil 4 reference made me laugh.

Man, when is Yahtzee going to review Goldeneye?

I dont even have a cell phone periods...
trought i have a ipod touch

The whole part about stars in Angry Birds is so true

Yahtzee, with regard to breathing on Mars, we've been secretly hollowing out the planet and terraforming it from within. Then some idiot lost a huge shipment of CO2 and water and it froze up somewhere in the northern region of the planet.

Anyway, I'm not buying an iphone until the games are not merely pushing the envelope of gameplay, but actually have interesting stories, with depth to them. Or at least until they do a decent adaptation of portal 2 for it.

Void Array with a paralax matrix installed into the Data Matter i just turned mars into FINAL FANTASY XII! now i off to kill monsetrs, take their loot, sell it and become rich, fight espers, take petty revenge on mountain loins! (yes, one killed me in Oblivion, i see one like in in Ivalice i kill it)

if you don't understand what i'm on about, what did Yahtzee say at the end, yes, i don't have an iphone, i have an 8gb ipod touch which has never had a software update so it had no apps but it's default stuff, i have no use waisting my battery power on my ipod with games while i have ALI PROJECT, Nightmare, BEAT CRUSADERS and FLOW to listen to.....also i'm trying to lock all my Books of Ryu in .Hack just in case if i can import my Desktop stuff into .Hack//G.U, plus i'm thinking about getting an android instead, at least you don't have to jail break the thing to change it's theme (or so i've heard)

the video only talks about the top ones, it fails to mention all the crap on the itunes store, i tried searching for the Megaman game Capcom released on there and what did i find, loads and loads of crap, a few had the same name and image as the Capcom one, i only found it cause i was looking at who made the app, but then found out i had to upgrade my ipod for it and with my net speed, the update (when i tried to the other day for the Minecrat info app) said it was going to take 6 hours TO DOWNLOAD! i can play Osu!, Oblivion, .Hack, Littlebigplanet, Alone in the Dark, or Secret of Mana 2 in that time and i don't have to worry about them cutting out near the end forcing me to start over from the start

iPhone gaming to me is like handheld gaming, in that yeah its nice an convenient, but it can never be really viewed as a full game. Besides, they also get repetitive and boring after a while.

Though, I'm actually surprised that he didnt take the chance to rip on crappy iPhone games, but its nice to know whihc ones are good.

... you know, for that iPhone I'll never get. because if I wanted a superior smart phone to do everything including call people (becuase i know people who have two phones because they dont use their smart phones as phones to talk on... yes, i know. Thats like the spykids two watches that do everything except tell time), I'd get an Droid, but then again, I'm a Verizon person at heart. They've been good to me.

Angry Birds = Crush the Castle
Cut the rope = Splitter 2
The last 2 don't sound like games, but they do sound interesting.

I'm sure there is some stuff that Iphone has that is original, but so far they all seem like ripoffs. Good ripoffs, but still ripoffs.

Also, I find android to be better, but there are some "questionable" apps there...

No iphone, no smart phone, and I don't text. I do have a cell phone that makes and receives calls... better then an iphone.

Personally, I think a review of iPhone games would have been more appropriate a year ago. It's all about Android now.

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