How to Read Movie News

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""Dumbed down for the Facebook generation brats who we believe are the only people still spending money at movie theaters.""

You know, for someone who has a massive hard-on for comics that the generation older than him thought were stupid and pointless, bit of an odd thing to say. Unless all of that is the opinion of the people you're taking the piss out of.

Calibretto:
How bout lets start learning how to read the real news. Or is that beyond everyone.

If you're looking for "real news," perhaps a gaming site isn't the best place. Just a thought. :)

I particularly love the Joss Whedon quip. It perfectly sums up all the reasons I hate his stuff.

OhJohnNo:
Sorry Bob... but was that meant to be funny?

I didn't find it so, I'm afraid. Perhaps it's because I don't often read film press releases (or know who Joss Whedon is), so just didn't get it. Also, it struck me as overly cynical

"I don't know anything about film releases but still expect to have found this funny. I do not understand that almost all satire is fairly ironic."

MovieBob:
"From the people who brought you ..."

"No one with any particularly impressive credits is involved directly in the production, but a few of the several-dozen people credited as some sort of producer also had their names on something popular, so we can technically mention it in our advertisements!"

Boy do I ever hate this tagline in commercials. "From the producers of..." is probably the least indicative about the quality of the actual film.

...Actually, it is probably the most indicative about the quality of the film. It means the film is garbage and they couldn't find anything good to say about it so they hope movie-goers will be gullible enough to believe producers do anything but manage the budget/hopefully not rape the director and the actors' and writers' vision for their movie to pander to their Hollywood-defined target audience. Ugh.

daitsdudes:
Your just a douchebag with a medium to get his voice heard.

That's what critics are.

Great work, Bob.

Awww, I thought it would be an actual article. But it was just a list with a cheap shot at Whedon. Sometimes I wonder if Bob just loves causing flamewars.

"A female character who is capable of beating up male enemies twice her size like they were made of jell-o but also has the appearance, physique and temperament of an emotionally-traumatized teenager. Also, she is almost totally uninformed about sex, save that she is fiercely (yet demurely) attracted exclusively to non-threatening nice guys who happen to resemble the males in the film's target audience."

At the risk of perpetuating a stereotype that all Joss Whedon fans are screaming acolytes, completely blind to criticism and logic, I can't help but take issue with this.

Is the insinuation that female characters with emotional issues and are completely normally heterosexual are not complex, challenging or strong? Ignoring the fact that this paragraph ignores all the female characters not called Buffy, and to an extent River, these things don't really hold up at all. Superman doesn't have the physique to move planets and buildings, but others in the same genre are criticised? Buffy and River are teenagers so they look like them. Buffy is perfectly educated about sex and River isn't attracted to anybody.

I honestly can't see what you're trying to say here. If anything this describes Sucker Punch more than Whedon's works. This was probably just a throw away joke which wasn't thought about deliberately which I'm taking too seriously but hey, Whedon's works get dragged through the mud undeservedly a lot and it's kind of a sore point for me.

A: Princess Bride reference woot
B: "Brave, sensual, ground-breaking romantic scene."

"Lesbian sex scene."

"Shocking, taboo sexuality!"

"Gay, male sex scene."

...is probably the funniest thing Bob ever said, which is saying a lot.

EDIT:

RJ Dalton:
I particularly love the Joss Whedon quip. It perfectly sums up all the reasons I hate his stuff.

Now that's not fair. Dollhouse was pretty good in that regard. Shame it didn't get a chance to show it.

Remember in the 90's when people would pass around lists of blonde/black people/Pollack/woman/other group you're not supposed to make jokes about anymore jokes? Yeah, this reminds me of that.

Did you have something going on the past week or so, Bob? Your review could've been produced without even seeing the movie, and this required little to no effort. It's okay to take a week off every once in a while.

RJ Dalton:
I particularly love the Joss Whedon quip. It perfectly sums up all the reasons I hate his stuff.

Yes, because Nathan Fillion and Adam Baldwin are totally non-threatening.

PhiMed:
Yes, because Nathan Fillion and Adam Baldwin are totally non-threatening.

I honestly wouldn't know. I've never seen Firefly. A lot of people tell me I should, but I find it hard to believe that when everything else I've seen from him has been utterly horrid to me, one would just magically be the one I like, unless Firefly is entirely and completely unlike everything else he's done.

RJ Dalton:

PhiMed:
Yes, because Nathan Fillion and Adam Baldwin are totally non-threatening.

I honestly wouldn't know. I've never seen Firefly. A lot of people tell me I should, but I find it hard to believe that when everything else I've seen from him has been utterly horrid to me, one would just magically be the one I like, unless Firefly is entirely and completely unlike everything else he's done.

I've never really dug his other stuff. I would say it's "utterly horrid". I don't like it, but I can appreciate how someone could like it, unlike the vast majority of American television (Everybody Loves Raymond is the most watched comedy series in history? Really?!? American fucking Idol? Really?!? Fucking Glee? REALLY??????!!!!!!?????).

PhiMed:

I've never really dug his other stuff. I would say it's "utterly horrid". I don't like it, but I can appreciate how someone could like it, unlike the vast majority of American television (Everybody Loves Raymond is the most watched comedy series in history? Really?!? American fucking Idol? Really?!? Fucking Glee? REALLY??????!!!!!!?????).

Yeah, TV in this country sucks. Actually, it kind of sucks everywhere.

"From visionary filmmaker Tim Burton."

"Hot Topic stockholders are about to have a good morning."
Fucking classic Bob, brilliant article.

The Jason Statham thing made me laugh, as did the Joss Whedon bit.

I liked this article. One of the better ones, especially if you pay attention to this kind of "press release" crap.

That was funny. Nice job, Bob.
Am I the only one who always get's hungry when seeing that damn hotdog...?

I'm from Rio de janeiro and... by the trailers, at least, the movie is just not here.

Not even the cars, there's no yellow stripped police cars around here. I dont understand that "I wanna catch all of the street racers" thing by the rock, since theres no street racers here, most of the streets are just too tight for this.

Actually, even if it had street racers all of our police cars are waaaaaaaaaaay too crap to chase them.

And this movie make the same mistake that every other american movie about rio make. They show that the Rio is all about samba, beaches, carnaval, soccer and as a Brazilian nerd i hate all this stuff.

Even the movie Rio thats directed by a "carioca" (someone that has born in rio)does that categorically.

If anyone want to see an accurate movie about Rio go see a movie called The Elite Squad 1 and 2, the first even won the golden bear.

It might look like it's a little to fantasious to be true, but it is real! Really! Even that violence is not everything around here (it happens only in the favelas, and they aren't so common as the midia makes looks like) but it make a very accurate portrait of my country.

Very cynical- but also very true. And also very funny. Nice, Bob.

SpiderJerusalem:
Oh, hey Bob, still doing tired old recycled jokes that have about as much humor in them as the bubonic plague? Yeah? Well, good for you.

Seriously, deducting press releases by repeating stuff from Break.com and other, smarter and funnier, websites? Must have been a tight deadline, huh?

Why are you trolling? You provided no reason for your (minority held) assertion, and if you hate it, why are you reading them?

That was both sad and very very funny. Please make a part two.

:) Nice.
Bullshit been called.

OhJohnNo:
Sorry Bob... but was that meant to be funny?

I didn't find it so, I'm afraid. Perhaps it's because I don't often read film press releases (or know who Joss Whedon is), so just didn't get it. Also, it struck me as overly cynical.

Joss Whedon is the guy behind Buffy, Firefly and those sorts of things.

OT: Leave Vin alone Bob! Jason Statham would never have worked for Pitch Black!

Evilmonkey25:
I'm from Rio de janeiro and... by the trailers, at least, the movie is just not here.

Not even the cars, there's no yellow stripped police cars around here. I dont understand that "I wanna catch all of the street racers" thing by the rock, since theres no street racers here, most of the streets are just too tight for this.

Actually, even if it had street racers all of our police cars are waaaaaaaaaaay too crap to chase them.

And this movie make the same mistake that every other american movie about rio make. They show that the Rio is all about samba, beaches, carnaval, soccer and as a Brazilian nerd i hate all this stuff.

Even the movie Rio thats directed by a "carioca" (someone that has born in rio)does that categorically.

If anyone want to see an accurate movie about Rio go see a movie called The Elite Squad 1 and 2, the first even won the golden bear.

It might look like it's a little to fantasious to be true, but it is real! Really! Even that violence is not everything around here (it happens only in the favelas, and they aren't so common as the midia makes looks like) but it make a very accurate portrait of my country.

Welcome to the world of the British cinema goer. Where we apparently live in a society where everyone wears a suit and bowler hat at all times, drinks tea, speaks with a ludicrously posh accent, everyone knows the Queen and we all by default evil.

Hint: None of that is true.

As much as I love Joss Whedon, I had a good laugh at your little quip about him. Good stuff.
Though I agree with the Vin Diesel thing...even though I actually think he's pretty awesome.

Yeah...Couple of issues that kept me from enjoying this:

1. There were a lot of quips in there that I've never actually heard ANYONE say about their movie.
2. Kind of an alarming amount of accusation of racism towards Hollywood.
3. Even of the ones I've heard said before, the "translations" were occasionally pretty nonsensical.

The descriptions of the gay/lesbian sex scenes were pretty funny, though.

bombadilillo:

Spacewolf:
So what exactly is hot topic?

A "trendy" store for goth teens and their precieved counter-culture.

....that sells stupid sex-themed toys and clothing.

They do have some cool posters occasionally, though. Great place to go around Halloween. I also love Tim Burton.

Even though I don't read any movie reviews, I wouldn't be at all surprised that trash works are dressed up as "a unique look" "stunning effects" and otherwise throwing around famous names because that's all the movie (and even video games) have to offer. In fact, these statements can be used for just about everything that goes through a review process or has a PR team. Even books.

Finally I now have more info to becoming one step closer to bitter and awesome.

HankMan:

Callate:

save that she is fiercely (yet demurely) attracted exclusively to non-threatening nice guys who happen to resemble the males in the film's target audience."

SHORT VERSION:

"Screenplay by Joss Whedon!"

Ah... Have you ever seen anything by Joss Whedon? I'll grant the "beating up guys twice their size" thing, but that last bit is sheer nonsense.

Are you implying that


Weren't Buffy's target audience?

Well, if you replaced "non-threatening nice guys" with "occasional cold blooded murderers", perhaps...

madmatt:

SpiderJerusalem:
Oh, hey Bob, still doing tired old recycled jokes that have about as much humor in them as the bubonic plague? Yeah? Well, good for you.

Seriously, deducting press releases by repeating stuff from Break.com and other, smarter and funnier, websites? Must have been a tight deadline, huh?

Why are you trolling? You provided no reason for your (minority held) assertion, and if you hate it, why are you reading them?

Trolling, by pointing out my opinion that Bob's humor is more reminiscent to cast off bits from Break and College Humor? Huh, so that's how it works. You should know that both the Whedon and Burton jokes are tired retreads from better and more observant jokes, like the entire article of deducing a press release (which was done infinitely better on Cracked), and humor, especially cynical humor, works best when you have even a semblance of knowledge on the matter what you're critiquing, something that Bob has shown to lack - despite enjoying the condescending attitude of calling others "facebook idiots".

But apparently the rampant and unpredictable probation bots of Escapist have already struck me, which is just as well, since it's been apparent for a good while now that they're not really based on anything but whim. As for reading this stuff? Bob started out pretty well, and I was interested in seeing what he was writing and saying, but lately it's more of a curiosity, like a train wreck, to see him stumbling week after week in the swamp of half-truths, outright bigotry and Harry Knowles-school of reporting styled "I know I said this but I'm totally against it now".

Frozen Donkey Wheel2:

2. Kind of an alarming amount of accusation of racism towards Hollywood.

Hollywood is weirdly racist. Movie bob was exaggerating a bit but there really is a fear in the movie industry about honestly portraying race or sexuality. For some reason movies have to be divided up into movies for White people, movies for Black people, or movies for some other minority. They RARELY ever have a minority character and less so a minority lead that doesn't have some stereo typical trait.

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