Zero Punctuation: The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings

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The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings.

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I never played the first, my dad loves the witcher 2 though. I'll not pick it up since my laptop is nowhere near good enough to run it even on lowest settings.

it's true that PC exclusive games usually have way too many keybinds and are more complex and bogged down with menus compared to console games. but when PC gaming is done right it's like nothing else.

I was laid off, thank you very much!

And what's up with all the loot lying around? Am I supposed to pick all of it up, like years of playing jRPGs has trained me to do, or do I just ignore it and say "what would I need a fucking a leaf for, WHY DOES THIS GAME NOT EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO ME."

Wasnt this supposed to be his 200th episode or something? Ah well time makes fools of us all.

Good review. Honestly besides the pretty graphics it looked like every other fantasy RPG ive seen in the last 3 years.

The sad thing is I'm even more intrigued, lol. Still, great review, Yahtzee.

Oh well, to a lot of people figuring out how to play a game is part of the fun.
That is why I stopped playing Dwarf Fortress once I got to know all the key bindings.

I guess it is just a different approach to what makes a game challenging.

This is precisely why I'm a console gamer, console games don't take all day and I don't have to reduce the graphics to 1st grader quality to actually play. Good review Yahtzee you faustian king amongst us mere mortal squishies. Just remember to have fun with Brink He he he.

Pretty much exactly the review I expected, once again. Apparently I'm psychic.

Hah, trolling PC gamers and PS3 gamers. Bet you all wish you had 360s now, don't you? *smug*

For the unintelligent: Clearly being facetious.

E3 review next week? maybe?

I actually liked the thought of that little aside that you mentioned about that elf in the woods. She knew that many gamers who play The Witcher games are all about the kinky sex with any humanoid race, and that even the slighest hint of a love-in will be immediately accepted by many Geralts.

It's a shame that you had to play on the lowest graphical setting. The Witcher 2 is REALLY pretty graphically. Why did you play it on a laptop? What happened to your titanic supercomputer that you played Crysis on? Granted, that was a couple years ago, but my 2-year-old alienware is still kicking ass.

Worst ZP in a while. Can essentially be summed up as "I think PC gamers suck and I don't posses basic cognitive functions or an atention span longer than 5 seconds". I know ZP isn't supposed to be taken seriously, but this one just rubbed me the wrong way...

I bought the first game but I was never able to get the damn thing to run on my computer. The best I ever got was somehow the sound was working fine but it was just a black screen.

So yeah...I have no interest in The Witcher or The Witcher 2 or even the inevitable The Witcher 3: Now with More Tits

I generally respect Yahtzee, but when he complains about things like not being able to find out how to equip weapon/armor enhancements and then says he has to sit through an unskipable cut scene each time he dies. I have to wonder. I mean all you have to do is drag the enhancement to your weapon or armor, and the unskipable cutscene is skipable by using right click. I am not sure if he's just looking for stuff to complain or if he's not a (PC) gamer. The other gripes I can kinda get, I mean the tutorial is very much a trial by fire, and the requirement of potions to be drank before combat is annoying but really it just seems like he's nit picking at some things.

I actually defend this attitude to reviewing games (not finishing the whole thing) because it perhaps shows better what sort of game you're playing.

A good game will keep you playing to the end.

A bad game will not.

If someone criticised say Friends or Chuck or My Little Pony or some tv series they'd be allowed to after watching only a few episodes. The whole point of watching those few episodes is to give you an idea of whether you will like the series and if it is engaging enough to keep your attention until the end, but suddenly when it comes to videogames for some reason you have to play the whole thing to have a valid opinion? Sounds like more than a few people are just butthurt because their pet franchise just got insulted.

Also, I'm getting really bored of Dark Fantasy. It's like the nineties, when comic books sucked because people thought that the deconstruction of Alan Moore and Frank Miller could be best replicated by just swearing a lot and murdering people, entirely missing what actually made those books deconstructionist and good (see also Mark Millar, who is just mean spirited). Dark Fantasy can work, provided you understand what dark fantasy actually is, but most writers of it nowadays miss the deconstructionist satire of the genre, highlighting the flawed preconceptions of a legion raised on Tolkein, and just give us an entirely straightfaced Tolkein-esque fantasy with lots of swearing and shagging (see also BioWare)

As for the Witcher itself, I'm not a PC gamer, I'm not going to be a PC gamer, I didn't play the Witcher 1 and I'm not even remotely interested in the Witcher 2. As for this review it didn't make me laugh as much but I actually like that from Yahtzee sometimes because when his reviews don't make me laugh it's usually because he's making actual relevant points which will tell me whether I like the game or not, and not because he's a terminally unfunny halfwit who needs to be reminded that performing as a 'deliberately a snobbish tosser' and succeedding makes you look like a snobbish tosser (see also Jim Sterling)

And finally finally, I'm reminded of the Penny Arcade strip with this one.

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2011/5/25/

djvWOODSTOCK:
E3 review next week? maybe?

I would have thought the week after, his E3 reviews are normally two weeks after it finishes.

Another bad point is the braindead AI and NPCs that stand absolutely motionless when talking (not even the occasional sway, just nothing), like mannequins with mouths

Great review as always... Also your description of a being a true gamer(aka pc gamer) was quite accurate. However one thing though the cut scenes are shippable just press "right mouse button".

i am really happy i got la noire instead of the witcher 2 now.

You know, from all of this there is one thing I'm interested the most.

Does Yahtzee have just a general dislike for PC gaming now days, or does he just do not enjoy the way that PC gamers treat console gamers.

You can't deny that some games are dumbed down for console gamers, there is a difference between "dumbed down" and "streamlined" that a lot of people don't seem the grasp.

It's official, Yahtzee sucks at video games. He trashes every video game that he finds to difficult :D

OMG! Finally, a Yahtzee review filled with pure, delicious hate. Good job on this one--shows that you aren't getting rusty from all the big piles of money you made from Mogworld and the Manabar.

Im surprised he didnt figure out how to skip cinematics, I think its like space bar then right click, or just right click twice, its not hard

The Ultimate 2:
This is precisely why I'm a console gamer, console games don't take all day and I don't have to reduce the graphics to 1st grader quality to actually play. Good review Yahtzee you faustian king amongst us mere mortal squishies. Just remember to have fun with Brink He he he.

Nope console games comes pre-factored at lowest grade quality.

That was a fantastic ZP. I haven't laughed so hard at them for a while.

Of course, ladies and gentlemen, let's all sit back now and watch as people arise from the murky depths of the internet and try to tell Yahtzee why he's wrong about thinking he doesn't enjoy this game.

Y'know, I'd say he made that sound worse than Dragon age 2.

...

Fanatic fan squad, sic 'im!

I agree about most of the game's weaknesses (particularly the overly difficult prologue with little explanation of the combat system), but the review missed out on pretty much all of the strengths.

I particularly liked the little side quest with the elven girl, by the way. The approach Yahtzee took made it seem like a grand "feck you anyway," but my Geralt didn't take either side and I liked how that worked out - the guilty just seemed to punish themselves. Anyway, I agree that the fight against the chapter 1 boss was tough, but the initial cutscene *is* skippable. Just click RMB. Also, if you don't know how to use a particular feature, you should just look at the manual that comes with the game.

When it comes to fighting groups, by the way, different tactics are needed than just blocking or dodging (as you clearly won't be able to avoid everyone if they're all around you). Make bombs and traps during down-time and use those; use Yrden to trap foes magically if you didn't prepare any traps and Igni to, you know, ignite foes if you didn't prepare bombs; put up Quen to deflect damage (though you should really have that up in all fights but the weakest); use Aard to knock foes down and Axii to bewitch foes to fight on your side.

Well he certainly didn't cast this game in an appealing light.

I'm really not sure how seriously to take this review...Yahtzee's pretty insightful but can this game really be that tedious? I've always kind of wanted to try it.

Jandau:
Worst ZP in a while. Can essentially be summed up as "I think PC gamers suck and I don't posses basic cognitive functions or an atention span longer than 5 seconds". I know ZP isn't supposed to be taken seriously, but this one just rubbed me the wrong way...

Hahaha.

Sorry about that.

Anyway I tried getting into this game myself but the combat just makes it unplayable for me. I don't mind needlessly complicated inventories and obscene amounts of loot and all that stuff the usual 'classic RPG' whiners love. I even kind of liked the setting and the characters and the graphics are absolutely amazing. But the combat, ugh.

I wonder if Obama liked it more...

God this will end well, will be full of PC nuts getting mad for no reason, Console nuts getting smug for no reason and the rest of humanity wishing people cared about actual important things with the same passion people seem to care about what platform you play use to conduct your hobby.

Fact, Neither PC gaming nor Console is better, if you genuinely believe that you are a better human being than someone who uses a differing system than you... then... wow...

PS funny review.

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