Duke Nukem Forever Review

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I must admit, they shot themselves in the foot with the epic development time, the reviews were always going to be dreadful unless the sun shined when you opened the box.

Unfortunately the same thing may happen with Half Life 3/EP3...

ProtonGuy:
Ah yes elitistmagazing.com where if a game doesn't have multiplayer filled with screaming, profane 12 year olds, or isn't an artsy downloadable title it's completely written off as shoddy and terrible. Oh I almost for got that if a game isn't somehow related to Final Fantasy VII everyone here will also hate it. But what do I know, I mean I've only been gaming since the Intellivision. Sometimes it's just fun to put in a game and blow up aliens and save the world, but I guess that's to gouache for a generation that wears plaid shits with skinny jeans while sipping their Lattes.

Also a lot of people here hate JRPGs and FF7 in particular, so you must be projecting pretty hard
EDIT: Also every major reviewing site gave it a crap review, so are they elitist as well?

Echo136:

Paradoxrifts:
I would have much preferred that the reviewer included something useful in his video supplement like examples of why, how and when the gameplay sucks, rather than the montage of all the toilet humour the reviewer found objectionable.

Seriously, I do not care how lazy, stupid and phoned-in the game being reviewed is, I don't think it is too much to ask for you to do the job that you presumably get paid to do. Showing an example of how the boss fights break down into an joyless mess would have been worth double, no triple the amount of examples of this game's humour.

He DID do the job he was paid to do. It just involves reading

And I READ the review. That doesn't change the fact that he should be showing me where the game went wrong rather than telling me how it went wrong. Using the video supplement to rail against the game's toilet humour is a great deal less important than showing me why I should take his recommendation and not buy the game.

At first when I saw the trailers I thought "cool slight chance it might be good" and laughed with the trailers. Now that the game is out I chuckle at the ads and just smile and shake my head.

I've got a question. Not that I was going to play it anyway, but does this game feature the return of the Protozoid Slimer things from Duke Nukem 3D? God I hated those things.

Well, personally, I enjoyed the game. Not something I plan on playing a month or two from now, but all in all, you more or less expected it to be the way it is. Not the best game, but one with offensive, crude humor. My main complaints, is that the multiplayer is horrible, I sat at the "quick game" load screen for about five minutes before it found a game, with only two people in it, and the berserk pigcops can cover an impossible jumping distance in a literal blink of an eye. For a game that's been tempered 12 years, it should have been much, much more. A shame, but the game's ending hints at a sequel, but with how it was received... Time will tell.

Yeah, I don't really get whats with all the high and mighty "this game sucks ass because I'm a grown up" reviews.

DNF is a badass game. My only complaint is the platforming, my god so much platforming.

Video struck me as trying too hard.

Woodsey:
"Recommendation: If you are stuck on a deserted island with only this game to play, go fishing instead. Worth playing so that you may be able to say that you did, but otherwise imminently forgettable and not worth your time."

I'm not one to beef about scores too much, but what would a game have to do get a 1-star rating, I mean Jesus Christ xD

I think one stars are reserved for games that don't actually function

Abedecain:
I must admit, they shot themselves in the foot with the epic development time, the reviews were always going to be dreadful unless the sun shined when you opened the box.

Unfortunately the same thing may happen with Half Life 3/EP3...

Not really, Valve takes so much time carefully working out every detail, these guys... Well, it passed through too many hands.

ProtonGuy:
Ah yes elitistmagazing.com where if a game doesn't have multiplayer filled with screaming, profane 12 year olds, or isn't an artsy downloadable title it's completely written off as shoddy and terrible. Oh I almost for got that if a game isn't somehow related to Final Fantasy VII everyone here will also hate it. But what do I know, I mean I've only been gaming since the Intellivision. Sometimes it's just fun to put in a game and blow up aliens and save the world, but I guess that's to gouache for a generation that wears plaid shits with skinny jeans while sipping their Lattes.

Wow. I've rarely seen a post that's so completely wrong, assuming you're talking about the reviews, and not comments from the community (though I still think you're pretty off even if that is what you're referring to).

I was going to defend this game when I first started playing it. The first five hours or so were pretty fun and nostalgic. But the more I played it the more I have to agree...this game is dog poo.

Nuke_em_05:

You know what, I picked it up on Steam over the weekend, played through most of it (I'm on top of the dam now, [spoilers, I guess?]), gotta say, not that bad.

Sure, it isn't ground breaking.

Sure, you can do things like throw poo, slap boobies, draw penises, etc.; but they aren't things they point out for you to do in-game. They seem to be things you have to kinda be looking for anyway... I mean, I go looking around for interactive stuff, but I see "grab" on poo, and I decide not to click "use". I see a whiteboard or signature, I would be the one to choose to draw a penis. I just did a bunch of squiggles in different colors (I was honestly mildly excited to be able to change colors). The boobies, I actually tried to melee them first because a bunch of things on that level that look like that are things you should destroy, I elected not to slap upon discovering the context key.

So, sure, it can sound like a bad game if you just focus on the immature possibilities.

Now then, as for regenerating ego, sure, hiding is a bad way to go as far as context. You do realize you can replenish ego via an execution, yeah? That's pretty "bad-ass" I would think.

I kinda like the platforming, I think people forget how much there actually was in the "classics" like doom, duke, or quake. I also think the driving levels were pretty cool.

Combat and gameplay seemed on-par with most shooters, really. It would have been nifty to have the old school more guns than physically possible model, but the two-guns option still works. Reliance on "infinite ammo" dumps does feel a little odd to me, especially in the boss fights.

Plot-wise, hell, it works. It isn't great, but there is a story and it does progress. A story on-par with pretty much all existing Duke "canon". The jokes didn't seem too over-the-top or in-your-face to me. I chuckled at a few even.

So, I don't know, it didn't seem like that bad of a game. Sure, it isn't spectacular, it has some faults, but honestly, I think it is pretty good so far. Maybe not worth a replay, but not something to avoid like the plague.

ProtonGuy:
But what do I know, I mean I've only been gaming since the Intellivision.

"The Intellivision is a video game console released by Mattel in 1979."
source=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intellivision

Your birthdate= April 3 1990
image

My bullshit senses are tingling.

samaugsch:

blindthrall:

Petwins:
I think this will go on my long list of games I objectively acknowledge as terrible, but enjoy playing none the less

Oh, don't say that, I have huge list of games like that. Dungeon Siege 2, Alpha Protocol, Postal, Deus Ex 2...but not Far Cry 2, I don't care how much people bitch about that game, it was good.

Hey, I thought Far Cry 2 was pretty well designed. Some of the parts I found the most interesting are the healing (where you can jab pliers right into your skin without making any indication that it hurt) and the weapon degradation (yeah, I know some people hate that, but hey, I thought it looked neat the way it was done). Probably the only thing that I can think of that I would want to change are the enemies. Seriously, the only enemies in the game are militia with different kinds of guns. It would've been awesome if they included dangerous animals like lions in the grasslands, hippos and crocodiles in the rivers, etc. This all takes place in Africa so there shouldn't have been too many problems with that. It would've made the environment seem so much more hostile and unforgiving.

If they really wanted to make it gritty- child soldiers. It's pretty much Blood Diamond the Game anyway.

dududf:
My bullshit senses are tingling.

Sites send me "happy birthday" emails all year long, wink wink.

"imminently forgettable" = about to be forgettable

"eminently forgettable" = highly forgettable

Reviewer guy, you wanted the second one in your last sentence, not the first.

Screw it. After watching that, I want to go buy another copy.

Alright. I'll admit right now that it's not a great game. But i think of DNF as just a fun, raunchy shooter. I didn't really grow up with duke but played his games a lot recently. In my opinion, Duke is his own game. Hail To The King!

"Even the basic mechanics of gameplay are not immune from ham-handed self pleasuring."

Best single line summary of a game ever.

Not that it saves the game from being very poor, me being a PC gaming fanboi, I can't help but smirk that for once a PC game has been poorly ported and omptimised for consoles.

I prepared for the games release by masturbating furiously for a week and watching men behaving badly (not at the same time mind). All in an attempt to try and get myself in the mindset of my 14 year old self. I actually found myself enjoying the game this way. Although that does little more than prove that kids have no taste.

I tryed the demo, and found it funny that Duke tires out faster then me from running. Seriously, run then stop and he needs to catch his breath even if you didn't go very far.

But that aside, is it just me or is Duke weak? I mean his healt--Ego can go down in seconds.

Dieing coupled with the long ass loading screens killed any enjoyment I could get.

Woodsey:
"Recommendation: If you are stuck on a deserted island with only this game to play, go fishing instead. Worth playing so that you may be able to say that you did, but otherwise imminently forgettable and not worth your time."

I'm not one to beef about scores too much, but what would a game have to do get a 1-star rating, I mean Jesus Christ xD

Its below $20 now and honestly its not nearly this bad. I recently saw a lets play of superman 64. Something like that where all you do is fly through rings with horrible controls and glitches at every left turn deserves a response like what the reviewer gave this game. Duke was not nearly as buggy, the graphics held up for a 12 year old project and was generally playable. Its really suspicious how reviewers universally make this thing seem less suffer-able than watching paint dry.

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