Zero Punctuation: Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time)

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He didn't bash "DnF" hard enough. After so many years in development they should have produced something decent at the very least. I think nobody would complain if they would have just left the core mechanics intact, essentially creating another "Duke 3D" on a modern level. Instead they just made a grey and boring "MW"/"Halo" knock-off with pig-cops.

But all of us already knew that a more than decade-old escapade such as this is nothing more than a financial fraud to make publishers part with their money whilst doing absolutely nothing to return the investment. "3DRealms" might have been sincere at the beginning, but I would bet an arm and a leg that they had given up on it within three years of initial development.

Duke should've just stayed in the 90s with the whole macho commando persona that Schwarzenegger and Stallone popularized.

Tontomanzz:
DNF was definately designed with a consoles first mentality.

DNF was designed when the consoles out there were the PS1 and the N64. ^^'
At best, they just tackled the Halo health\weap. limit to make it less old for consolers.

Well done Yahtzee! Well done! That was a very fitting poison pen letter to DNF. This is one of the best ones yet!

There really wasn't anything DNF could have done that would have impressed the gaming community, people's expectation were set too high due to the development time. Sad really, DNF is good at what it is but bad at what it should have been. RIP Duke, I shall see you again when I play 3D again like the good ol' days.

artanis_neravar:
Who is that guy that appears in almost all of these reviews? (obviously I am not referring to stick Yahtzee I mean the picture used as Dukes cover)

Yahtzee himself said he doesn't know who it is, its from a gallery of expressionless faces by a photographer whos name I forgot.
OT:Didn't rip on it anywhere near what I thought he would.

You could see nostalgia may have kept him from going all out on Duke (like I wanted him to). Still, I'm glad he wasn't like too many of the Duke fans and let nostalgia excuse absolute tragedies. I knew he wouldn't let me down. =>

the main problem with this Yahtzee guy is that he does his review on consoles, A horrible thing to do. sell that POS laptop, and get a pc

I think from all I heard about this game and it also shows very well in this review I can say this:

The saddest thing is really that so many people didn't actually expect it to be that good, many even already thought it would be bad and it was still able to disappoint them. There is not that much worse you can say about a game.

He (and most other reviewers) shouldn't have played the console version. The PC version has better graphics and loading times (at least that's what I understand from reading the Gearbox forums and screenshots).

BTW, anybody remember him saying he'll forgive Duke if he could have more weapons than eyeballs? I understand his disappointment on that matter.

Ace IV:
lol @ Yahtzee trying to save face after assuming DNF would never come out

Macrobstar:

Ace IV:
lol @ Yahtzee trying to save face after assuming DNF would never come out

Everyone assumed it would never come out

Did you two even listen to the first part of the video? This EXACT topic is what he opens with.

OT: It's actually a good review of the game, one of the best ZP's so far!

This is sad. DNF was so bad it went past Yahtzee's anger point and dove into depressing. This was actually a little hard to watch. Yahtzee was prepared for bad, but he still wasn't ready for this.It was like he was physically unable to be mad he was so upset.

it is a really strange feeling.

So here we are again - it's always such a pleasure. Remember when you tried to kill me twice?

I think this game was made by old people who have a fond memory of pc gaming in the 90s and tried to relive their dewy-eyed nostalgic heyday.

"Damn, I'm lookin' old!" - Duke Nukem, yesterday.

Liked the seemingly Teen Girl Squad reference with "ALBATROSS'D!".

Also, about what I was expecting.

This felt...tragic. I think that's the way it was supposed to feel. Yahtzee could probably have had a hell of a time with a game that was just plain mediocre, but as it stands, Duke Nukem Forever feels like Rocky IV...if Rocky IV had ended with Rocky being beaten to death by Ivan Drago thirty seconds into the fight after having spent years training to avenge Apollo Creed.

"I expected it to dissapoint, just not this much."

You and everyone else. Am I the ONLY person who knew this was going to suck ass? Moreso than what most people anticipated?

After playing it I agree with Yahtzee and the game is pretty much what I expected. Ten years ago it could have been great but after such a long time, it's just disappointing and sad. It will probably sell quite good I guess but the only reason is of course it's history and legend.

Indeed - Twas very sad to watch Yatzee in such a state - and may I add that I still bought the game on release day (found it at a good discount through Green Man Gaming!) but I have yet to play it because other things just seem like more fun to play....

Meh - I'll get to it eventually.

artanis_neravar:
Who is that guy that appears in almost all of these reviews? (obviously I am not referring to stick Yahtzee I mean the picture used as Dukes cover)

YOu mean the photo of the really blank faced guy?
Hes some photo some photo taking gut took of the guy looking blank and Yahtzee likes it because of reasons.

I am so good at explaining shit!

Ace IV:
lol @ Yahtzee trying to save face after assuming DNF would never come out

I really hope you're being sarcastic. Otherwise, the lulz are on you, dude.

It was pretty obvious from the tone of his last review that he didn't think the game should ever come out because it would be getting released in an age in which games of its type have become largely irrelevant, and there was absolutely no way it could be good enough to merit a 14 year development cycle.

Ew, Yahtzee was humping Silent Hill 2... Now I don't want to touch it. :P

Gotta love it when a game is so bad that Yahtzee doesn't actually need to over-analytical or scathing to make a funny review out of it.

Yahtzee has a more of a "not mad, just disappointed" attitude in this review, as if to say "you aren't good enough to be shit on like your fellow games". Ouch, that hurts more, if you ask me.

Can I just pretend the original review was the "real" review and blissfully go about my day?

Well, it's as I've been saying all along: If anyone thought there was going to be 14 years worth of dev-content in this game, they were/are a fucking idiot.

All told, there isn't 14 years. It's more like 2; the standard bake-until-done FPS with a few funny jokes (which are NOT all purely referential as Yahtzee claims, there is context for many of them, but hey, why have honest journalism when you can be "controversial" and get more ad hits and useless comments?) and quite a few unfunny or "meh" ones.

It's rather hilarious in certain instances where you watch the game take the piss out of gaming franchises that itself is borrowing mechanics from (my friends and I all had a chuckle at the Halo Power Armor joke until one of us pointed out how Duke now has only two weapons and regenerating health).
Then the joke became self ironic; comparable to a retard making fun of his other retarded classmates because he thinks they're "special".

I was actually expecting a lot more bile and anger from this video. Most reviewers have said this game sucks and I expected Yahtzee to be the king of it. This was actually one of his more restrained reviews.

That's kind of strange, actually.

(And I found the attempt to explain away the joke review unnecessary. Duke Nukem was announced as canceled when he made that video. And the video itself was pretty funny. So anyone who jabs at him for that is pretty stupid...in my opinion)

DNF never should have been released. It probably did more financial damage to all parties involved than it generated in revenue.

LOL Best review yet. Just like The Simpons movie. Took about 10 years to make. Medo-orcher at best

LOL Best review yet. Just like The Simpons movie. Took about 10 years to make. Medo-orcher at best

debrox:

cjbos81:
I never actually got into the "Duke Nukem" franchise growing up. And from the looks of things, I never will. (Unless I can buy it really, really cheap and get some easy trophies out of it.)

It's not even worth it for free, let alone really really cheap. I got to play it for free, and just stopped. It was the least fun game I've played in a good while.

Hacre:
Did Yahtzee review just the XBox version or the PC version as well? A lot of the technical gripes (load time, frame rate tanking) only affect the really terrible port to the XBox.

While a lot of the disappointments are still in the PC version, on the PC DNF becomes something that is at least fun to play, whereas it's an unstable wavy frame rate hard to aim mess on the XBox and I imagine not much better on the PS3 except for better loading times and frame rate.

No... just no. I have an i7 920 and gtx280 (not brand new but still decent), and the game took FOREVER to load. Then, the game looked like shit afterward. What exactly was it loading? Shit?

As for FPS issues, I don't think I had any, but I couldn't be sure.

I'm not trying to personally insult you, but I just have to say BULL FUCKING SHIT.
Post a fraps recording of your load times, if it's taking forever (lol pun) to load than there is something wrong on your end (or a bug that affects only certain machines). The load times on my i7 gtx560 ti rig are like 3 seconds, the only reason they even exist is because it's a port.

I'm not defending the actual game though, I think it's a huge disappointment and not worth the 50 bucks. I'm surprised yahtzee didn't rip on the whole "can only carry two weapons" thing, that really pissed me off.

On a side note, I really wish yahtzee would get a decent PC. You would think it would be part of the job requirement if you are reviewing video games.

So Yahtzee was disappointed with the amount that he was disappointed? Coming from a cynic like him, that means that the game must really suck. I still want to play it though just to see if it really is all that bad.

JoJoDeathunter:
Hmmmm, this wasn't actually as scathing as I expected after all the bad stuff I've heard on other reviews, though the overall feel was still clear and what we all should have expected really: that this game was always going to be a mess. It's a shame as I'd really like an amusing FPS that focused more on single-player rather than shoving all of the resources into a multiplayer I barely use but alas this wasn't to be.

I think that was the point- Yahtzee thought the game was shit, but in the case of this particular game he found it too depressing to get worked up enough to give it a good blasting. And really, the story of Duke Nukem Forever IS tragic- for years the biggest joke of the industry for being a highly anticipated game that never comes out, it finally comes out and... is completely humdrum and disappointing, a game that would have been obsolete even a few years before its release, with nothing to make it stand out apart from some tasteless humour and the fact that it is Duke Nukem Forever. It's gone from gaming's biggest joke to gaming's biggest tragedy. While the game is certainly not as bad as Daikatana and nobody had the same kind of expectations of it any more, it's certainly in the same league of disappoinment when you consider how long it took.

Huh... that was... pretty tame actually. Seriously, while he obviously takes a swing at the game, Yahtzee has been very bitter in the past and compared to the hat this game has got, huge contrast despite similar reception.

As for DNF, I actually found it OK-ish. A couple of fun interesting moments but then again I never held out huge hope for it to begin with.

Also, good you pointed out the hive level being unusually dark from out of nowhere.

The way he went from believing in a possible maturation of the Duke character to slapping wall tits so NFM almost made me fall out of my chair! Very funny review Yahtzee as always, now if ya'll don't mind I've got an RPG duel with a GInormous Pigcop to finish.... ^ ^

the only thing disappointing about DNF is they made it like every other game out there instead of making it better, more classical or at least unique.

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