Honesty is the Best Poly-cy (Except When It Isn’t)

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT
 

Flying Dagger:
I'd also like to apologise on behalf of my gender to anyone reading your rant.

Picture of Flying Dagger:
image

Seriously though your apology doesn't include me. I'm just telling it like it is.

Here is the 5 step program for any geeky guy:

1. take 3-6 months off from thinking about chicks,
1.a punch yourself in the scrot whenever your stupid brain brings up the subject
1.b do pushups whenever you feel jealous or desperate or sorry for yourself, turn your depression into hate because anger is energy and you can use that energy for more productive purposes

2. work on yourself first
2.a clean your room/house, fix your car, get a job, work out, etc. You need to prepare your life to have a relationship should the opportunity ever present itself

3. internalize the fact that no matter what you do there is a chance you will spend the rest of your life alone. The unfortunate fact is that there ISN'T always someone out there for everyone. Accept it and figure out what you are going to do with your life if this is the case. Once you can look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say out loud "I might spend the rest of my life alone" and have that statement have no emotional impact whatsoever you have won the game. You no longer need the validation of a relationship to have a purpose or be happy.

4. learn to talk to strangers

5. realize there is no shame in being horny and wanting to bone chicks, get over the idea that it is sinful or others will be displeased if they know you think about poon

-----------

Homework: watch the movie "Sideways", compare and contrast the Thomas Haden Church and Paul Giamatti characters in their approach to women and relationships

At some point in the movie Paul Giamatti says (paraphrased) "If you don't have money women won't consider you" yet if you look carefully there are several things his character could do to improve his ability to enter a relationship that would cost absolutely nothing.

No matter what you claim your excuse is there is always something that you can do to increase your desirability. Whining never helps anyone.

Goodness, could it be that the demographic the Escapist is trying to reach is broader than only my whims and interests?

Bold move. (and I hope it pays off)

...Seriously?

I'm pretty sure the advice forum has covered love to death by now :P

rembrandtqeinstein:
Here is the 5 step program for any geeky guy:

1. take 3-6 months off from thinking about chicks,
1.a punch yourself in the scrot whenever your stupid brain brings up the subject
1.b do pushups whenever you feel jealous or desperate or sorry for yourself, turn your depression into hate because anger is energy and you can use that energy for more productive purposes

2. work on yourself first
2.a clean your room/house, fix your car, get a job, work out, etc. You need to prepare your life to have a relationship should the opportunity ever present itself

3. internalize the fact that no matter what you do there is a chance you will spend the rest of your life alone. The unfortunate fact is that there ISN'T always someone out there for everyone. Accept it and figure out what you are going to do with your life if this is the case. Once you can look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say out loud "I might spend the rest of my life alone" and have that statement have no emotional impact whatsoever you have won the game. You no longer need the validation of a relationship to have a purpose or be happy.

4. learn to talk to strangers

5. realize there is no shame in being horny and wanting to bone chicks, get over the idea that it is sinful or others will be displeased if they know you think about poon

Have you ever heard the joke: There are three blondes on an island, when a genie appears and claims that he can grant them each a wish, the first wishes to be ten times cleverer, builds a raft, and floats off, the second wishes to be a hundred times cleverer, builds a sailboat and sails off, the last wishes they weren't blonde, and walks across the bridge.

The problem with your answer is that it is an infeasible solution to a problem that doesn't require that much effort to solve. Your building a motorboat out of twigs and leaves when you could just take the bridge. In addition: Your solution doesn't even end with the situation most guys that whine about being single are looking for.

A guy doesn't have to be in top shape (I'm not) Extremely confident (I'm not) or rich (definitely not). And yet somehow I've got a girlfriend. And before she was my girlfriend, she was a friend. Along with about twenty other friends I have who are girls.

As much as relationships aren't concerned with just being yourself, they are equally nothing to do with changing every aspect of your life.

A lonely geeky guy who's looking for a girl has absolutely no interest in a girl who only cares for his money, his looks or a one night stand. That's not to say they wouldn't take it if it was on a platter, it's just a simple fact, that is not what they are looking for.

Getting out there and getting to know and befriend girls is the solution to the problem, completely changing everything about yourself is not.

I'm not sure I really dig the idea of a lonely hearts column, it just reinforces the stereotype of well...lonely hearts, given this is a geek site. I dunno, it just seems out of place, especially the second question, and that's not even because it's a geek website, it just seems odd for a dating column in general, the sort of stuff you'd find in a magazine/website catering to that sort of stuff.

I'm not really that fussed, it just seems out of the blue and out of place here, but y'know whatever floats your boat.

rembrandtqeinstein:

Look at ladies not just as potential sex partners - that is, as a means to an end - but as worthy of friendship for their own sake.

Being friends with a woman is like being friends with a really lame guy. He whines about his fuckbuddies all the time, he doesn't like the movies you like because they have tits and blood in them, he won't help you fix your car because it will get his hands greasy and he won't help you move furniture because he is too wimpy.

There is no advantage to having women as friends but tons of disadvantage. However there are several advantages to faking a friendship. A. you might get lucky if she gets desperate or feeling bad or gets drunk enough to overlook your flaws, and B. She is likely to have female friends into whose pants you could potentially get.

What planet are YOU from? There's absolutely nothing wrong with having girls as friends, heck my main social group at Uni consists of 2 boys (one of them being me) and 4 girls and we all get along like a house on fire, there would be more men but most of the guys in my Uni class freak out when presented with any degree of social interaction(Yay for Computing classes) and my other mates live elsewhere now, or they're your stereotypical black gangstas, if you've seen attack the block, that's exactly what they're like, minus the mugging. (I'm not kidding; yay for reinforcing stereotypes!).

Sure that may be the case if you only have really irritating girly girls as friends, but to say that all women are like that is far from the truth, the same as saying most men are your stereotypical douche of a man, and you shouldn't hang around with any men because "they're all like that!!11!" I behave pretty much the same as I would with the girls as I would with my male friends, granted I won't go on about more geeky stuff, but that's only because they're not into that stuff.

And no, I'm not friends with them just to get in their pants before you say that, I'm friends with them because we get along well, I make no distinction between genders, the same as I don't make distinctions between race when I'm choosing friends, because its stupid, I like people for their personality.

Seriously dude, if you only ever optionally interact with women in order to get into their pants, you're a total creep.

EDIT: Given you appear to actually be a girl, I'm not even sure what to think now, but my last statement still stands, because that's essentially what you suggested men do in what I quoted. Presumably you don't act like the lame person in the quote, so surely that means that other women shouldn't either.

Not meant to be rude but what is this doing in The Escapist?

<Facedesk>

This is simply idiotic fluffy teenage girl magazine advice.

I.E. People talking out of their ass claiming they know what they are talking about when they clearly don't.

Lots of "normal" social people have this shit fairly easy, it's basically built into them, so they don't have much trouble. Half the people who have trouble are akin to myself. With massive mental and personality disorders that cripple the living shit out of their social lives, even when they do in fact wish for one (even if it isn't the clubbing drinking bullshit).

The people who have it easy act like it's easy, which to them it is, seeing as they are naturally at least half adept in these things. They then give half-assed unhelpful advice " be yourself!" to people who have this shit incredibly difficult because most people don't have the patience to put up with even a quarter of their issues. Often very valid issues at that.

In the end, to people like myself( I assume I can only speak for myself naturally) all of this bullshit comes off as incredibly condescending and insulting and makes me want to cuss and hit people who say this crap.

rembrandtqeinstein:

Look at ladies not just as potential sex partners - that is, as a means to an end - but as worthy of friendship for their own sake.

Being friends with a woman is like being friends with a really lame guy. He whines about his fuckbuddies all the time, he doesn't like the movies you like because they have tits and blood in them, he won't help you fix your car because it will get his hands greasy and he won't help you move furniture because he is too wimpy.

There is no advantage to having women as friends but tons of disadvantage. However there are several advantages to faking a friendship. A. you might get lucky if she gets desperate or feeling bad or gets drunk enough to overlook your flaws, and B. She is likely to have female friends into whose pants you could potentially get.

Sounds to me like you had the wrong kind of female friends in your life. I know 4 girls I can call friends, and nothing more, nothing less.

One of them, despite being into horses and shit, likes Lord of the Rings, went with me to a couple of karate matches (although she wasn't into it after all, she just wanted to learn a bit of self-defense). The second was probably manlier than me at the time. Though we both went frog-hunting and dragonfly-killing during summer. The third one was a bro, literally, we fist-bumped every day on sight, she wore male clothes (it was weird how one time I saw her in a skirt) and treated everyone like a buddy, even other girls. The last one was probably the most lady-like, but even she would punch me if I got on her nerves. Even if she knew it hurt her more than me (MUSCLES OF STEEEEEL also predictability + rigid body technique).

None of them acted like what you described. With half of them I went shopping for things they wanted, and they on the other hand gave me love advices and gift advices for girl I liked liked. We would hang out during breaks and after classes (like I said - with two of them, almost ever summer on holidays). We'd still hang around, if not for the differences in time schedules - two out of 4 are a year older, and I'm a year behind compared to people my age because of 4-year program at my school, so they finished high school a year earlier... or should I say, I'll finish a year later.

Don't expect any woman to be exactly like a guy. Then again, you wrote "you might get lucky if she gets desperate or drunk". Uhh. Yeah. I used to think like that. Then I realized that for some reason, I wouldn't want to fuck any of those girls. Not cause they weren't pretty - all of them have boyfriends, and are pretty. It's just I respect them as equals and wouldn't want to treat them like objects. Because IMO that's your idea of a female friend - someone desperate enough to let you bang them how many times you'd like, without any obligations.

That's called a sex slave.

You're like my ex wife!
A crazy cat person...

rembrandtqeinstein:

Look at ladies not just as potential sex partners - that is, as a means to an end - but as worthy of friendship for their own sake.

Being friends with a woman is like being friends with a really lame guy. He whines about his fuckbuddies all the time, he doesn't like the movies you like because they have tits and blood in them, he won't help you fix your car because it will get his hands greasy and he won't help you move furniture because he is too wimpy.

There is no advantage to having women as friends but tons of disadvantage. However there are several advantages to faking a friendship. A. you might get lucky if she gets desperate or feeling bad or gets drunk enough to overlook your flaws, and B. She is likely to have female friends into whose pants you could potentially get.

The correct course of action is to pretend to care as long as it doesn't require you to make an effort.

But finding love requires putting yourself on the line a little.

Translation from woman language to English: Our culture requires men to do 100% of the work, accept 100% of the social/rejection risk, and commit 100% of the action responsibility. Accept that in order to "play the game" you need to stick your neck out for women to chop off. Because if you are asking advice you probably aren't attractive enough for any woman to even consider making the slightest bit of effort to create a relationship with you.

Wow. Just... Wow.

I mean yes, I've known women like the ones you're describing, but you know what? I've known MEN who are like that too.

You see, women are PEOPLE. Just like men. I know that's hard to believe but we are. And PEOPLE like different things. For example, I have no problem with getting greasy, so if you want my help fixing your car sure! I have no idea HOW since I don't even have a driving license but I'm willing to help. Moving furniture? I'm there! I might not be as strong as I'd like to be, but I'm willing to put my back into it and I've helped a lot of people move. I have a female friend who LOVES gory movies and if there's tits in them, so what?

You sound really bitter and maybe you've known a lot of girls like this to make you that way. But please don't put a label on half the population of the world. I mean I could put a label on the male half saying they're all "misogynists" or "rapists" or "nose-pickers". But that'd be silly. 'Cos all men aren't like that.

I think you need to date other types of women than the kind you're currently attracted to, 'cos obviously they've fucked you over. And not in the good way.

EDIT: Apparently you're a woman. I don't know why you hate your own gender, but I believe that the comic below probably roughly sums up your feelings about much of the world.

Thedek:
<Facedesk>

This is simply idiotic fluffy teenage girl magazine advice.

I.E. People talking out of their ass claiming they know what they are talking about when they clearly don't.

Lots of "normal" social people have this shit fairly easy, it's basically built into them, so they don't have much trouble. Half the people who have trouble are akin to myself. With massive mental and personality disorders that cripple the living shit out of their social lives, even when they do in fact wish for one (even if it isn't the clubbing drinking bullshit).

The people who have it easy act like it's easy, which to them it is, seeing as they are naturally at least half adept in these things. They then give half-assed unhelpful advice " be yourself!" to people who have this shit incredibly difficult because most people don't have the patience to put up with even a quarter of their issues. Often very valid issues at that.

In the end, to people like myself( I assume I can only speak for myself naturally) all of this bullshit comes off as incredibly condescending and insulting and makes me want to cuss and hit people who say this crap.

Quoted for absolute truth. This is the real problem i have with any "advice" column, because as i said before, it completely neglects the kind of demographic that would read and participate in such a column - people who are in some way unable to maintain a 'standard' social life in which 'normals' are able to thrive in and therefore stuff like sex and romance comes naturally. Not only that, but the 'normals' who give this advice are often terribly condescending. "Go do volunteer work!" or "Go down to the local rave / club / bar!" like women are going to suddenly surrender themselves to you like that insipid Lynx advert. No. It doesn't work like that. You don't just "make the effort" and are rewarded with boobies. Not only that, but i think a lot of 'normals' utterly fail to realise that making the effort is a big problem for people with social anxiety issues and anxiety issues in general. Does that mean they should accept a fate of loneliness? Hell no. It means they should be given appropriate advice in how to deal with and overcome these problems. Even something as simple as how to actually talk to a complete and utter stranger when you're at your job / club / whatever would be a start. Because if you don't have a clique of friends to take the heat off you, it can be an incredibly daunting task to talk to a complete stranger and it can make you feel like a bit of a creeper. The type of person who should be giving this advice are people who are perhaps introverted like the ones who have real troubles even talking to girls, let alone dating them, that are a success story. You know, advice from someone who's actually gone through this shit and was able to come out on top for once. Someone who can draw an genuine experience and be more relatable.

On the flipside i know this column isn't entirely about "how to get the girl of your dreams" and is more to deal with "problems you may have in exisitng relationships", but it doesn't change the fact this creates a pretty conceited first impression.

Abedeus:

Sounds to me like you had the wrong kind of female friends in your life. I know 4 girls I can call friends, and nothing more, nothing less.

One of them, despite being into horses and shit, likes Lord of the Rings, went with me to a couple of karate matches (although she wasn't into it after all, she just wanted to learn a bit of self-defense). The second was probably manlier than me at the time. Though we both went frog-hunting and dragonfly-killing during summer. The third one was a bro, literally, we fist-bumped every day on sight, she wore male clothes (it was weird how one time I saw her in a skirt) and treated everyone like a buddy, even other girls. The last one was probably the most lady-like, but even she would punch me if I got on her nerves. Even if she knew it hurt her more than me (MUSCLES OF STEEEEEL also predictability + rigid body technique).

None of them acted like what you described.

I'm sorry, but i have to point this out. It's nice you have an almost caricature line-up of female friends, but the fact of the matter is that not everyone does. In fact, i'd wager very few people do. We don't all have the "token tough chick", the "token girly girl", or the "token geek girl". Especially ones that are the twofer "Well she's feminine and masculine! Your point is invalid." routine. I see this all the time, people get on their podium to talk about these people they know who seem to fulfil every single atypical stereotype that they end up becoming stereotypes themselves, like a line-up of every PC attribute you could ever want in a friend. It makes me wonder how many of these stories are fabricated, and if they're not, where can i possibly go to live in such a wonderfully diverse neighbourhood. Because i'll tell you something, where i live people (girls and guys) are incredibly shallow minded. The guys all pretty much want to hump anything with breasts and the girls are vapid and only care about maintaining their social status. For the record; i'm 20, so this is not high school drama. This is the general state of society. You might come across one or two individuals who are not so skin deep, but they aren't the sorts of people you're going to find when scouting a bar.

Uh..love advice? on a nerd culture website? What in gods name does this have to do with anything geek or geek related?

I'm sure, as stated by the article itself, if anyone has any serious problems that they want proper advice about they will go to a website or person with a bit more creditably in this department than anything the escapist has to offer. Its not even that amusing and the advice isn't that even that good.

Its not like your running out of nerdy things to talk about; anime, cards games, figures, pen and paper RPG take your pick. But please not love advice.

Gralian:

I'm sorry, but i have to point this out. It's nice you have an almost caricature line-up of female friends, but the fact of the matter is that not everyone does. In fact, i'd wager very few people do. We don't all have the "token tough chick", the "token girly girl", or the "token geek girl". Especially ones that are the twofer "Well she's feminine and masculine! Your point is invalid." routine. I see this all the time, people get on their podium to talk about these people they know who seem to fulfil every single atypical stereotype that they end up becoming stereotypes themselves, like a line-up of every PC attribute you could ever want in a friend. It makes me wonder how many of these stories are fabricated, and if they're not, where can i possibly go to live in such a wonderfully diverse neighbourhood. Because i'll tell you something, where i live people (girls and guys) are incredibly shallow minded. The guys all pretty much want to hump anything with breasts and the girls are vapid and only care about maintaining their social status. For the record; i'm 20, so this is not high school drama. This is the general state of society. You might come across one or two individuals who are not so skin deep, but they aren't the sorts of people you're going to find when scouting a bar.

Hi there, I'm what you can call a geeky girl. Most of my female friends are in some way geeky girls. Let's see the list: goth hairdresser with a band; cultural geek secretary for a major science research facility; a economist with a love for HBO series with hot guys; anime geek biochemistry student that loves small pets and a gamer girl fresh out of a design major. And I meet them all at college or online thanks to my gaming clan. Maybe, just maybe, you're meeting people at the wrong places.

TL;DR version: You'r doing it wrong

OT (sort of):I used to be a shy girl myself. Talking to people made me nervous. I guess I just don't handle potential rejection very well (cried at my first oral exam in college). And when i was at a all time low on the confidence scale, a lab partner of mine (became a good friend) introduced me to WoW. Oh dear lord the beast was unleashed! It became easier for me to be silly with people while on vent. The fact that you don't have to see them again if you don't want to, can be very freeing while on "training wheels". Eventually the socials skills I got online started to bleed out into real life. Maybe I'm not seen as the perfect girl; I'm too "wierd" for that. But I've gotten waaaaaaay more invites for coffee now ^^

"Advice" given is counter-productive, a little insulting, and should not be taken seriously by anyone. A bunch of theories that border on madness rather than real life experience, while failing to address issues. Do NOT want. KIWF.

Lol Dating unfortuatly doesnt come with a no fail mode lol :P

CosmicCommander:
I looked at the second article.

I gave a sigh.

People seem to be losing a sense of what a marriage is, and what one should do in a relationship like that. Seriously, this borders on ludicrous.

Oh, I know the intellectual hegemony here is gonna brand me as "intolerant" and "unenlightened"- but maybe I'm too idealistic to just believe marriage is about committing yourself to a partner, and sticking with it. Not sharing it out between several people.

If you don't have the commitment and will to have one marital partner, you shouldn't marry.

I have to agree with this. Polyamorous relationships like these tell me that the persons involved want to follow their impulses with no consequence to their action. Except that the wife is clearly not OK with seeing her husband and his other do what they (the married couple) should be doing, and this negative reaction actually becomes a consequence due to the polyamorous relationship. She may have said OK to this, but internally, she's not accepting it. You can say whatever you want, but sometimes that doesn't change how you feel inside.

Besides, having multiple partners tells other potential partners: "I can go to someone else if you don't please me the way I feel like being pleased on a particular day". Or even better: "You're the responsible one, and she's the fun one." And I think that's rather disrespectful to tell your significant someone that you will never primarily bring them happiness.

This is a quick reply to Secret Hippie from the second question.

You and your wife need to not be married; you are clearly not designed for marriage, or at least being married to each other. Read over your question once again, and ask yourself "Does that sound right?".

I'm aware, different strokes for different folks, and I could be wrong here, but you both sound miserable in your situation. Rather than tip-toeing around solutions where obviously no-one's ultimately happy, separate, then see how you feel after a bit.

Why? Why do we have this? I know you could argue "well, if you don't like it, don't read it" (which I do concerning a particular webcomic writer who I feel has nothing useful to say ever, and either points out the obvious or is out-right wrong), but love advice? By someone who isn't a professional at that (which is why I trudged along with the whole psychiatrist article thing)? I'm sorry, but there's a time and place, and this is neither. The same friends referred to in the first answer are the type of people that others should refer to for this kind of help.

Why is this even being taken seriously? Is the Escapist hurting for more traffic that they need to branch into wacky love advice too? I find this wildly inappropriate for a entertainment media site and it should be removed? Why did they think this is a good idea and approve its creation? This new feature is an act of stupidity. I'll stick to ZP and Extra Credits thank you.

Gralian:

Thedek:
<Facedesk>

This is simply idiotic fluffy teenage girl magazine advice.

I.E. People talking out of their ass claiming they know what they are talking about when they clearly don't.

Lots of "normal" social people have this shit fairly easy, it's basically built into them, so they don't have much trouble. Half the people who have trouble are akin to myself. With massive mental and personality disorders that cripple the living shit out of their social lives, even when they do in fact wish for one (even if it isn't the clubbing drinking bullshit).

The people who have it easy act like it's easy, which to them it is, seeing as they are naturally at least half adept in these things. They then give half-assed unhelpful advice " be yourself!" to people who have this shit incredibly difficult because most people don't have the patience to put up with even a quarter of their issues. Often very valid issues at that.

In the end, to people like myself( I assume I can only speak for myself naturally) all of this bullshit comes off as incredibly condescending and insulting and makes me want to cuss and hit people who say this crap.

Quoted for absolute truth. This is the real problem i have with any "advice" column, because as i said before, it completely neglects the kind of demographic that would read and participate in such a column - people who are in some way unable to maintain a 'standard' social life in which 'normals' are able to thrive in and therefore stuff like sex and romance comes naturally. Not only that, but the 'normals' who give this advice are often terribly condescending. "Go do volunteer work!" or "Go down to the local rave / club / bar!" like women are going to suddenly surrender themselves to you like that insipid Lynx advert. No. It doesn't work like that. You don't just "make the effort" and are rewarded with boobies. Not only that, but i think a lot of 'normals' utterly fail to realise that making the effort is a big problem for people with social anxiety issues and anxiety issues in general. Does that mean they should accept a fate of loneliness? Hell no. It means they should be given appropriate advice in how to deal with and overcome these problems. Even something as simple as how to actually talk to a complete and utter stranger when you're at your job / club / whatever would be a start. Because if you don't have a clique of friends to take the heat off you, it can be an incredibly daunting task to talk to a complete stranger and it can make you feel like a bit of a creeper. The type of person who should be giving this advice are people who are perhaps introverted like the ones who have real troubles even talking to girls, let alone dating them, that are a success story. You know, advice from someone who's actually gone through this shit and was able to come out on top for once. Someone who can draw an genuine experience and be more relatable.

On the flipside i know this column isn't entirely about "how to get the girl of your dreams" and is more to deal with "problems you may have in exisitng relationships", but it doesn't change the fact this creates a pretty conceited first impression.

Both of you are quoted for truth. I'm not reading any more of this particular column. This is an "entertainment media" website with a heavy focus on video games. This type of column does not follow the demographics that follow this site.

"Ask Dr. Mark" is a MUCH MUCH better column than this love advice trash. It focuses on gamer psychological issues. Dr. Mark has well thought out educated reply's and he has a Ph.D for crying out loud! The person giving advice in Love FAQ has shown no credentials other than "just a smart gal who wants to help out her fellow geek."

Seriously Escapist, if you want this sort of column, you need to change the entire format of your website to fit the demographic that would follow this sort of column. I also get the feeling that the person writing this column was looking for an excuse to write her own column (to break out of writing actual game articles). Basically, this is a way for her to stop writing game articles altogether.

Gralian:

Thedek:
<Facedesk>

This is simply idiotic fluffy teenage girl magazine advice.

I.E. People talking out of their ass claiming they know what they are talking about when they clearly don't.

Lots of "normal" social people have this shit fairly easy, it's basically built into them, so they don't have much trouble. Half the people who have trouble are akin to myself. With massive mental and personality disorders that cripple the living shit out of their social lives, even when they do in fact wish for one (even if it isn't the clubbing drinking bullshit).

The people who have it easy act like it's easy, which to them it is, seeing as they are naturally at least half adept in these things. They then give half-assed unhelpful advice " be yourself!" to people who have this shit incredibly difficult because most people don't have the patience to put up with even a quarter of their issues. Often very valid issues at that.

In the end, to people like myself( I assume I can only speak for myself naturally) all of this bullshit comes off as incredibly condescending and insulting and makes me want to cuss and hit people who say this crap.

Quoted for absolute truth. This is the real problem i have with any "advice" column, because as i said before, it completely neglects the kind of demographic that would read and participate in such a column - people who are in some way unable to maintain a 'standard' social life in which 'normals' are able to thrive in and therefore stuff like sex and romance comes naturally. Not only that, but the 'normals' who give this advice are often terribly condescending. "Go do volunteer work!" or "Go down to the local rave / club / bar!" like women are going to suddenly surrender themselves to you like that insipid Lynx advert. No. It doesn't work like that. You don't just "make the effort" and are rewarded with boobies. Not only that, but i think a lot of 'normals' utterly fail to realise that making the effort is a big problem for people with social anxiety issues and anxiety issues in general. Does that mean they should accept a fate of loneliness? Hell no. It means they should be given appropriate advice in how to deal with and overcome these problems. Even something as simple as how to actually talk to a complete and utter stranger when you're at your job / club / whatever would be a start. Because if you don't have a clique of friends to take the heat off you, it can be an incredibly daunting task to talk to a complete stranger and it can make you feel like a bit of a creeper. The type of person who should be giving this advice are people who are perhaps introverted like the ones who have real troubles even talking to girls, let alone dating them, that are a success story. You know, advice from someone who's actually gone through this shit and was able to come out on top for once. Someone who can draw an genuine experience and be more relatable.

On the flipside i know this column isn't entirely about "how to get the girl of your dreams" and is more to deal with "problems you may have in exisitng relationships", but it doesn't change the fact this creates a pretty conceited first impression.

Abedeus:

Sounds to me like you had the wrong kind of female friends in your life. I know 4 girls I can call friends, and nothing more, nothing less.

One of them, despite being into horses and shit, likes Lord of the Rings, went with me to a couple of karate matches (although she wasn't into it after all, she just wanted to learn a bit of self-defense). The second was probably manlier than me at the time. Though we both went frog-hunting and dragonfly-killing during summer. The third one was a bro, literally, we fist-bumped every day on sight, she wore male clothes (it was weird how one time I saw her in a skirt) and treated everyone like a buddy, even other girls. The last one was probably the most lady-like, but even she would punch me if I got on her nerves. Even if she knew it hurt her more than me (MUSCLES OF STEEEEEL also predictability + rigid body technique).

None of them acted like what you described.

I'm sorry, but i have to point this out. It's nice you have an almost caricature line-up of female friends, but the fact of the matter is that not everyone does. In fact, i'd wager very few people do. We don't all have the "token tough chick", the "token girly girl", or the "token geek girl". Especially ones that are the twofer "Well she's feminine and masculine! Your point is invalid." routine. I see this all the time, people get on their podium to talk about these people they know who seem to fulfil every single atypical stereotype that they end up becoming stereotypes themselves, like a line-up of every PC attribute you could ever want in a friend. It makes me wonder how many of these stories are fabricated, and if they're not, where can i possibly go to live in such a wonderfully diverse neighbourhood. Because i'll tell you something, where i live people (girls and guys) are incredibly shallow minded. The guys all pretty much want to hump anything with breasts and the girls are vapid and only care about maintaining their social status. For the record; i'm 20, so this is not high school drama. This is the general state of society. You might come across one or two individuals who are not so skin deep, but they aren't the sorts of people you're going to find when scouting a bar.

I like how you accuse these people of making a broad generalization of society using their small opinionated experiences, then go about counter arguing them using your own opinionated xperience. To show you how silly this method of refuting them is, im gonna step up even MORE OF WHAT YOU SAID.

i live in portugal, and ive traveled across the country, and met thousands of people, women and men alike. i assure you, the stereotypes were unseen. i never for an instance saw a distinction of meeting men or women. to me they were all people. i didnt see girly stuff annoy me, or manly stuff. men were rationale and sensitive many times, women were strong and practical when needed, stuff that you use as stereotypes was non existant, or shunned to the back back background.

see? personal experience. larger than yours. stil doesnt count as a decent argument.

the point is, a stereotype paints all people with a certain characteristic in the same color. then someone comes up and shows you people(actually many show up and show you man people) who DONT fit in the stereotype. stereotype is thus disproven, and is nothing but a rash generalization. doesnt matter how many people you know fit it, there are many others who dont.

Why in the friggin' world isn't BonsaiK the one doing this column? He's been giving relationship advice-GOOD relationship advice-for a year or two now in the forums.

This advice is shallow, common-sense stuff.

Problem: "I'm in a polygamous relationship and my wife is bugged by it."

Answer: "Maybe you should have set boundaries (thank you captain hindsight.)"

Problem: "I can't find women."

Answer: "Look for them."

And this has nothing to do with anything, but the last pop-up add took up 50% of my monitor screen. I just remembered why I only visit for a couple minutes at a time.

Finally, did you honestly suggest men become friends with women in order to later have relationships with them? You're telling people to Friend Zone themselves. I'm a living testament to the fact the friendship tactic doesn't work. Every time I tried it, it didn't work out BUT when I went after a woman honestly, with no pretensions to "just being friends," then I had no trouble. I get why you might want female friends who could set you up on dates, but if you like a girl, just ask her out. Just do it. Either she says yes or she says no. Confidence is appealing the world over, so work on that and just be cool with rejection.

http://www.sosuave.com/halloffame/hall353.htm

I like I like, please keep these coming :)

I personally find these interesting. Keep these coming.

What, no cheat codes or easter eggs?!

This is a lousy FAQ :(

Seriously this is a game site. Writing up an advice column and simply slapping a loosely related title on it is a lazy way to get more hits, and this site should aim higher. Not to say that the concept of a Love FAQ on the escapist is flawed, just simply keep it game related.

Instead of delving into the polygamy relationships, perhaps select one about a WoW contact you inadvertently fell in love with. Instead of 'I can't find women', choose the letter, 'How can I meet women through online games, and not come across as a creepy stalker?'

These, of course, will be far more challenging to write about, since there's no Sex in the City episode to copy/paste, but would fit far better amongst Extra Credits and Zero Punctuation. And you'll have far more respect from me! That's always nice to have :P

This is a response to all the relationship advice in the forums isn't it?

Flying Dagger:

itf cho:
One day after the two totally forgettable new videos by Firefilm (Drinking Games and No Right Answer), we wind up with this. Has June gotten an April Fools week that we weren't informed of?? Because frankly, none of the new series I've seen this week will be worth a second look.

QFT...
That said, a lot of new content seems to go nowhere, as the steady stream of one-season shows that have been on recently proves. (doraleous, game dogs, CMM, show about games show, a good knights quest)

It's a shame at least they can notice when things go wrong, the only thing i regret no longer being shown on the escapist is Unforgotten Realms.

wow.. doraleous isn't coming back? i thought they were coming back after they were done with the movie they are making (toonstone).

Didn't find the new shows amusing eighter.

Anyways thought the advice given was decent. agree on the secound guy, from the way i see polyamery relationships sex with other people is ok, but falling in love with other people is a no-no.

Thedek:
<Facedesk>

This is simply idiotic fluffy teenage girl magazine advice.

I.E. People talking out of their ass claiming they know what they are talking about when they clearly don't.

Lots of "normal" social people have this shit fairly easy, it's basically built into them, so they don't have much trouble. Half the people who have trouble are akin to myself. With massive mental and personality disorders that cripple the living shit out of their social lives, even when they do in fact wish for one (even if it isn't the clubbing drinking bullshit).

The people who have it easy act like it's easy, which to them it is, seeing as they are naturally at least half adept in these things. They then give half-assed unhelpful advice " be yourself!" to people who have this shit incredibly difficult because most people don't have the patience to put up with even a quarter of their issues. Often very valid issues at that.

In the end, to people like myself( I assume I can only speak for myself naturally) all of this bullshit comes off as incredibly condescending and insulting and makes me want to cuss and hit people who say this crap.

You have a point, you sound intelligent, although I would like to give them credit that there's certainly some courage in answering the second question, that's not a normal 'teenage girl mag' question.

And advice can not feed you. It can only show the way as others have walked it. Many of those that give advice, 'normal' social people as you call them, have had a start with this in life to have plenty of trouble with it, but found a way to deal with it. If that same advice doesn't help you, that's too bad, but it certainly isn't mean-spirited that someone takes the time to share it.

Massive mental and personality disorders certainly don't make things easier. But what advice exactly could by-pass that?

You know good advice always sounds cheesy. It's better to be positive than negative. Optimistic than cynical. Sounds cheesy, right? It's still true though.

I have a music playlist that I've made specifically to remind myself. Sometimes it works wonders. Sometimes it doesn't. But I'm glad I have it.

I'm pretty scared you'll receive this as condescending too though :(

Flying Dagger:

itf cho:
One day after the two totally forgettable new videos by Firefilm (Drinking Games and No Right Answer), we wind up with this. Has June gotten an April Fools week that we weren't informed of?? Because frankly, none of the new series I've seen this week will be worth a second look.

QFT...
That said, a lot of new content seems to go nowhere, as the steady stream of one-season shows that have been on recently proves. (doraleous, game dogs, CMM, show about games show, a good knights quest)

It's a shame at least they can notice when things go wrong, the only thing i regret no longer being shown on the escapist is Unforgotten Realms.

although I agree that a lot of stuff that gets put on now is a bit meh, Doraleous was FRICKIN AWESOME. really it was hillarious (heh, see what I kinda did there). and it had quite a following and got put on hiatus because the creator had some more serious stuff in the pipe line. here's me hoping for a comeback

but on the subject of the OP. I think it's kind of tough situation. Especially for guys in tech college. really in my first year we had a 300/10 ratio going on. So almost every girl in the city is accounted for by guys that are just a little more savvy in the getting close department.

And if you are slightly like me and can't pick up girls in bars to safe your life. You kinda gotta let it happen. But I do agree you should help faith a bit. Go to places where people with common interests go, and just keep chatting people up. So yeah like she said it's a numbers game, get to know enough people and eventually you'll strike home.

What I don't agree with entirely is hitting on coworkers sisters. That just gets akward and gets you wierd looks. I can't speak for girls but people hitting on friends sisters isn't very accepted in most circles, lots of looks and "you better be very serious about this". Just saying, it's cliché as hell but you don't want to be pissing of good friends/coworkers over something that might or might not work. Not to mention how stupid birthday parties get after breakups within a group of friends -.-

TBH, this would have some longevity if it was the other way around. It would be very entertaining to have something like this that tells you all the wrong ways to do it. But this? I don't see an audience for that.

Personally.. I never had trouble getting the woman that is the right one for me and which I desire once I met her. It just takes experience, and I think there is something inherently wrong about telling people how to approach a girl or anything in that area.
I'm sick of women trying to tell "nerds" or whatever they think their "demographic" is how to improve their life.

There is a show here on german tv called "Das Model und der Freak"(The model and the freak) in which superstitious beautiful models think they can reshape a man to become what THEY think will get them a woman. But there is the mistake, if you tell them how to CHANGE to get someone that wouldn't have liked them the way they were.. THAT is not happiness. And I feel really sorry for those guys..

Anyway, SORRY ABOUT THE RANT :P

rembrandtqeinstein:

Once you can look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say out loud "I might spend the rest of my life alone" and have that statement have no emotional impact whatsoever you have won the game.

Damn it that made me lose the game.
OT: This was pretty interesting actually I'd like to see more of them.

So, the Escapist decides to add a touch of Cosmo to its material? That's... unexpected. The writer claims that she is aiming to entertain, but I personally find nothing entertaining in her article and her introduction has a pretty condescending "you silly nerds" tone that really sets off my "hey, fuck off" reflexes. Is that supposed to be clever or humorous in some way? Her actual advice sounds familiar though, I've had pretty similar "love" discussions with my 11 year old niece when I take her out for burgers and icecream. Of course, I really doubt the writer is 11. If she is though, I apologize, she is adorable.

I must say, I love this article for pointing out how seriously people take themselves on this forum from time to time. There's even a few moral guardians here for good measure. :D

I say keep it up, if only for baiting these great comments.

Well this was an interesting experiment for Forever Alone Monthly The Escapist.

(I'm sure you can see my mistake, bit misleading this article.)

Now let us never speak of it again.

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment
Have an account? Login below:
With Facebook:Login With Facebook
or
Username:  
Password:  
  
Not registered? To sign up for an account with The Escapist:
Register With Facebook
Register With Facebook
or
Register for a free account here