The Unbearable Lightness of Licking Lampposts

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The Unbearable Lightness of Licking Lampposts

Awkward situations and little white lies about sex.

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......ok then...i just don't really get it, but then i have been in a relationship for almost 4 years with my girl so yeah. i feel that this should really be an wide range social advice column instead of just a love advice column. you could handle one 3 or for messages 1 or two about love and the other to about life and people problems in general. i feel like this is not going to stick

Oh...I thought the title was a reference to DA:O, when you have a male romance with Alistair...
my bad :(

so let me get this straight, a girl who is a virgin thinks their boyfriend is not a virgin. The boyfriend is worried that if she finds out he is a virgin she will be upset...

....nah, that will be the best news she hears in her life, she is going to lose it to someone who is also pure...

also, imho, this isnt the website for agony aunts, just sayin

I wonder if there's a movie called "The 20-Year-Old Virgin". If not, there should be, but instead of being a comedy (which could easily go wrong), it could be a documentary about teenage myths about sexuality. An article or two on Cracked.com and my 10th-grade Economics teacher have all said that marriage and/or sex is best when you're around 30, since you know who you are by then.

One's virginity is still rather disquieting to oneself.

The Gaymer:
I don't talk "gay" or act it in any way.

There's a serious problem here, and it's certainly not you. Actually, there are two problems; the most easily-understood is stereotyping, the image people have of the effeminate gay man. While there are certainly gay men who are effeminate, it's for much the same reason that there are gay men who like pizza, or gay men who listen to rock music. Sexuality is not a list of traits, it is a single trait, that has as much effect on the rest of your personality as anything else. It may be important to you, but the defining element here is you, not the people you're attracted to. There is no "acting gay", not in the way you describe; the problem is not your failure to play out this stereotype, the problem is with the people who expect you to conform to their preconceptions, and who think they can define your personality for you. Don't let them. Be who you are.

The second problem is related to the first, but it's a little more complicated. The word is "heteronormativity". In simple terms, it is the attitude people have that sets heterosexuality as the default, standard, normal sexuality, and that everyone you meet is to be assumed heterosexual until it is stated and/or proven otherwise. While this is statistically the more likely outcome, someone's sexuality is not something that needs to be assumed at all. It has no bearing on anybody else. There are very few actions that require knowledge of a person's sexuality, and in those cases, simply asking them should be the thing to do. Unfortunately, heteronormativity is built into our culture at a deep level, and is made all the more difficult to shake because of it. Many socioeconomic systems, from the institution of marriage, to the way public bathrooms are laid out, assume that everyone is cisgendered and heterosexual; accommodations are only made when enough of a fuss is kicked up, and even then, it's all too common for the (often cisgendered, often heterosexual) people in charge to disregard the the outcry on the basis that the heteronormative "ideal" is the only thing that needs to exist, or indeed, the only thing that exists at all. This isn't true. It isn't right. And it is this stubborn refusal to let people define themselves that is hurting you, The Gaymer.

Unfortunately, these problems are so deeply ingrained in our society, that there isn't a simple solution for the trouble they're causing you. The only thing I can really ask you to do, other than the advice already given in the column, is to be who you are. Don't think for a moment that other people have the right to tell you otherwise. Be proud of your identity, whoever that might be.

To virgin dude:

For the love of all that is holy DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE. I almost snorted my coffee when I read it.

The sooner you come clean about this, the better; after all, healthy relationships aren't founded on falsehoods.

From that moment forward she will continuously wonder what else you are hiding and it will at worst destroy or at best cool down your relationship.

The key to healthy relationships is being able to lie consistently even under stress, and to take secrets to your grave if necessary.

To answer your specific question I can guarantee you that there are tons dudes your age who have not passed their penis through a vagina since they were born. There are however many fewer female virgins than male. It is just the nature of things, a friend calls it the "conservation of booty" theory but from an evolutionary perspective it makes sense. There is a long explanation but it breaks down like this; a man's investment in a child is much less than a woman's since he doesn't risk pregnancy. Therefore a woman will be much more selective about who she procreates with than a man will be. Teen sex isn't for the purpose of procreation but that biological goal is what is driving the process. The result of this is the small percentage of highly desirable men will get lots of play and the large percentage of less desirable men will get little if any. Even if that weren't the case the average woman would still have more partners than the average man. This is because girls mature faster and most start the relationship game several years younger than boys do.

In any case virgin dude here is what you do.

1. continue lying, if she asks directly deflect.
2. learn to read her, if the time is right and she is into you then she will make clear she wants boning

Here is one slick move you can use.

If she asks (rudely I might add) "how many women have you slept with?" then at first you don't say anything but smile slyly. Slowly reach around her waist, move in toward her, get your face close to hers while maintaining eye contact, then whisper "numbers are for scoreboards" and kiss her.

Continue refusing to answer. This will piss her off while simultaneously making her think about you more because you are suddenly more mysterious.

3. remember that "skill" at sex isn't nearly as much about the physical acts as being in tune with your partner, listening to them both in their words and body responses, and mostly caring about making your partner feel good.

Though you could get technically better the fundamentals are the same your first time or your thousandth time. If you truly care about your partner's needs and want to "be with" them then you can do no wrong.

Good luck!

Break, you make some *excellent* points, and I'm glad you popped in here to add them. Thank you!

I wonder how many questions they get each day, i wrote when i first saw the article... i wish they would at least acknowledge if your letter doesn't get trough screening...

rembrandtqeinstein:
To virgin dude:

For the love of all that is holy DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE.... The key to healthy relationships is being able to lie consistently even under stress, and to take secrets to your grave if necessary.

I hope this is this an attempt at humor, but I have a sinking feeling it's not. At any rate, I disagree strongly. While I'll admit "little white lies" might smooth over minor issues not worth agitating your partner over, lying about the big stuff is a no-no in my book. Any really good relationship has to have a strong foundation of trust, and "taking it to your grave" corrodes that. And practically speaking if you're found out there's a strong chance you'll lose the relationship altogether.

rembrandtqeinstein:

If she asks (rudely I might add) "how many women have you slept with?" then at first you don't say anything but smile slyly. Slowly reach around her waist, move in toward her, get your face close to hers while maintaining eye contact, then whisper "numbers are for scoreboards" and kiss her.

Frankly, this is probably the sleaziest move I've heard of in a while. While she shouldn't be asking questions she doesn't want answers to, this is not the way I'd choose to handle it. Instead, come clean before questions like this put you in an awkward position.

A script could look something like this:

[Snuggled up on the couch, happy, just finished a movie or something]
You: "Hey [insert pet name here], something's been bothering me. Mind if I get it off my chest?"
Her: "What is it?"
You: "Well, it's just some of the pressure from the guys around here. You know how it is: hyper-masculine party boys, everyone trying to be bigger & more outrageous. Big pressure to fit in, even if that's not exactly who you really are."
Her: "What do you mean?"
You: "Everyone's supposed to be a big player. And uh, I'm not. I mean I haven't been. [pause] This is the thing: I told you I've already slept with someone and I haven't. I'm a virgin. [pause] Anyway, it just didn't feel right to keep lying to you."

Does that seem so likely to cause a meltdown? Maybe it doesn't work for you, maybe it does. Personally I'd be a lot more comfortable in my own skin confronting the issue than slinking around it like I'm guilty of something (because if you do, you are).

rembrandtqeinstein:

From that moment forward she will continuously wonder what else you are hiding and it will at worst destroy or at best cool down your relationship.

But if he comes clean he's not hiding anything. Telling her will show her that he has no problems confessing about things that are a big deal to him.
If he avoids the questions THAT'S going to make her suspicious of something.

Did you really got these questions?
That is crazy. . . gamers are very open about the confusing stuff in their lives it seems.

Also girl hot doesnt make him gay hot material. I mean both men and women have different standards right. And then there`s the gay community. But on the other hand at the bottom of the post there is the disclaimer that says your not a pro at this so its all good i guess.

Its fun to read but the questions feel too long too specific.

HentMas:
I wonder how many questions they get each day, i wrote when i first saw the article... i wish they would at least acknowledge if your letter doesn't get trough screening...

I try to personally acknoweldge all letters that come in, although lately that's been quite difficult, given the volume we've received. Try resending?

I am way drunk now, and also Swedish, so excuse me for any errors or references to socialism.
I just want to say that with this column and Drinking Games, they really acknowledge that gaming is a hobby with real humans, and that not all things must be about how "we are art" but can be about problems like love and alcohol. Don't think I don't love you anyways, Extra Credits is the best thing that ever happened to gaming, I just wanted to make my feelings clear

I've worked way to hard not to make errors for my initial proclamation (and used Google SpellCheck, so here's some socialism for ya'll:
"I can decide to study anything I want to, and I'll get support from the government, also, health care!!!ETTETTELVA!!"

Break:
snipped

Totally agree with you, and I'm glad you said so. Yes, the "blank slate" is straight, and male, and white, it's true for imaginary characters (when there is a group of them, they'll try to give them all a specificity, but if one of them is gay, or female, or non-white, THAT's their specificity).
People often aren't aware of heteronormativity, but just because things shouldn't be this way doesn't mean they aren't, and you need to be aware of it. By default, you're seen as straight until proven otherwise.
That means even guys that like you might not be willing to take the risk of hitting on a straight guy until they have a reason to believe you're gay. And well obviously it's not written on your face.

rembrandtqeinstein:
snipped

I completely disagree with everything you said here. Especially the "hiding the number of partners" thing. A lot of people don't take kindly to things being hidden from them, and she'll imagine the worst possible outcome. That is, possibly that he's a man-slut, and as a result, two things: a) more likely to carry an STD, if she worries about these things and b) possibly not planning to be serious, and going to ditch her to have sex elsewhere soon.

Of course I don't know her and I can't be sure how she'd react, but that seems like a likely reaction to me.
On the other hand? Yielding to peer pressure and pretending not to be a virgin, but trusting her enough to open up to her and tell her he's actually a virgin? Man, she'll probably like you more after that. People expect that you don't show your true colours right away, because you always want to advertise a better version of yourself at first. But admitting to the truth? That's what shows it's a relationship and not a fling. When you say "listen, I'm not actually a spy, I have a desk job" is when they know you actually care about them enough that lying doesn't feel right anymore.

In short, I agree with Lara's advice, person who's a virgin at 21 (and I had no clue it was considered abnormal these days).

Good advice, overall. @Break jumped on the only problem I had with the fellow looking for help meeting guys, about how not all gay guys are or are even into the effeminate thing. Quite a few are just guys, plain and simple.

Out of curiosity, though, does your advice of sidling up to them in a determined manner and saying "Wow, you're hot, you wanna grab dinner sometime?" work across the board? I've always had to come up with a way to ask them out, but direct and to the point seems like it might be counterproductive.

Lara Crigger:
Love FAQ: The Unbearable Lightness of Licking Lampposts

For The Gaymer:

It may just be that you're surrounded by people who may not be as sure of themselves as you are.

And the very fact that you're "out of the closet" shows that you're at least somewhat more self-aware and self-confident than average. That unfortunately puts you in the role of initiator. See, it might not be that they don't think you're gay--it might be that they don't want to show that they are first.

We all like to look before we leap. And in a society where homosexuality is by far not the norm, initiating anything on that front is very much "a leap." Unless someone has a neon sign above their head, we tend not to assume they are homosexual... and, by extension, that they would react in a very unfavorable way if we seemed to assume they were. That's because all people (regardless of sexuality) are, by and large, obsessed with how others see them.

Another thing common to everyone--we want to be pursued. Obviously, it can't work that way for everyone, or no one would be pursuing. The fact that you're out to yourself puts you ahead of the curve. The fact that you're out to others makes you head of the class. But all of that also means you don't have the luxury of playing defense for now.

The good news, though? The biggest problem people have with "the approach" is that they try to "get it right." Usually, they adopt some sort of character (or caricature) and do it that character's way. It's not just "gay guys acting reeeeeeally gay." Straight folks do it, too. We puff up our crests, try to exaggerate our best features (and create some new ones)... and we blow it.

Approach. Ask. You may hear "No" more often than you hear "Yes," but so what? You won't explode. Your fingers won't burst into flames. You'll feel a bit of embarrassment (which will pass) and you'll increase your ability to put yourself out there. You'll get more comfortable, which is the seed of confidence.

For Lamppost:

If honor and integrity are a priority to you, telling her is the right thing to do--especially if you feel this relationship could go somewhere. That seems paradoxical, because this could drive her away, but it's better than moving forward on a lie. You would know. Always.

Bottom line: you can't control how she'll react. But that's the lesson here, isn't it? All you can control is how you deal with the world. When you lie, it's because the world wanted something you didn't have... you surrendered that control. The only way to get it back is to stage a coup and seize power back. There may be casualties, but so it goes.

If you tell her and she accepts it, great. You got lucky. Even then, be quite careful--she may not fully accept it all at once, despite what she says. It might bother her a little, but she's just as afraid as you of losing this. Be gentle. (Above all (and this doesn't seem like you, from what this question has revealed of your character), do not try to parlay this into some "Hey, let's lose it together!" moment.)

If you tell her and she doesn't accept it, back off. Completely. A clean break heals better (for both of you). If you want to have any chance of fixing things going forward, this may be the only way. Trust is important, and breaking it (even in a small way) stings. That kind of pain only fades over time if you don't pick at it. Be ready for this possibility.

Of course, you could also say nothing. I don't mean continue the lie. I mean just "fix it going forward." Don't tell the lie anymore, but don't feel like you have to go untell the lie, either. Really, it was never anyone else's business to begin with. You voluntarily gave that business to them, and you can casually take it back. It's up to you, mate.

PS. If you're man enough to even ask this question, I'm pretty sure you'll do alright.

rembrandtqeinstein:
To virgin dude:

For the love of all that is holy DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE. I almost snorted my coffee when I read it.

The sooner you come clean about this, the better; after all, healthy relationships aren't founded on falsehoods.

From that moment forward she will continuously wonder what else you are hiding and it will at worst destroy or at best cool down your relationship.

The key to healthy relationships is being able to lie consistently even under stress, and to take secrets to your grave if necessary.

To answer your specific question I can guarantee you that there are tons dudes your age who have not passed their penis through a vagina since they were born. There are however many fewer female virgins than male. It is just the nature of things, a friend calls it the "conservation of booty" theory but from an evolutionary perspective it makes sense. There is a long explanation but it breaks down like this; a man's investment in a child is much less than a woman's since he doesn't risk pregnancy. Therefore a woman will be much more selective about who she procreates with than a man will be. Teen sex isn't for the purpose of procreation but that biological goal is what is driving the process. The result of this is the small percentage of highly desirable men will get lots of play and the large percentage of less desirable men will get little if any. Even if that weren't the case the average woman would still have more partners than the average man. This is because girls mature faster and most start the relationship game several years younger than boys do.

In any case virgin dude here is what you do.

1. continue lying, if she asks directly deflect.
2. learn to read her, if the time is right and she is into you then she will make clear she wants boning

Here is one slick move you can use.

If she asks (rudely I might add) "how many women have you slept with?" then at first you don't say anything but smile slyly. Slowly reach around her waist, move in toward her, get your face close to hers while maintaining eye contact, then whisper "numbers are for scoreboards" and kiss her.

Continue refusing to answer. This will piss her off while simultaneously making her think about you more because you are suddenly more mysterious.

3. remember that "skill" at sex isn't nearly as much about the physical acts as being in tune with your partner, listening to them both in their words and body responses, and mostly caring about making your partner feel good.

Though you could get technically better the fundamentals are the same your first time or your thousandth time. If you truly care about your partner's needs and want to "be with" them then you can do no wrong.

Good luck!

I haven't seen someone so wrong on every point since your last post on a lovefaq section. And quite possibly you've outdone yourself this time.

Anyone can understand why someone would lie. Fuck, I lied about it, I told my girlfriend the truth, she was very happy it was that way round. Girls can easily understand why guys lie about it, it won't intil paranoia, it will just make her happy.

On whether girls or guys lose their virginity first you completely forget both slags who fuck anything and girls getting drunk and fucking anybody. Just because you didn't get invited to those parties or didn't want to sleep with a slut doesn't mean no one else did. Only takes one slut to get thirty boys to lose their virginity, and 29 girls scared to become her so refrain from doing so.

Also the stigma around guys losing their virginity is far worse than for girls. This is because girls don't have a set age to lose it by. Furthermore, the act of sex for girls is far more intrusive than it is for guys, it is also painful the first time, thus they have no reason to want to lose it. (It's also pretty shit for girls if it's the guys first time, most of the time they'll notice)

Knowing your attitude on women from your post last week, I can say with full authority that you have absolutely no remit to advise on relationships or love. If you want to comment on something called "being a dick to get laid" you're welcome to, but please stop spreading your nonsense here.

Also thanks Lara, this weeks seems much better, I feel bad for having a go at you last week now. Though the gay guy should just try and get some eye contact with guys he thinks are gay, that's kind of the universally recognised sign for establishing interest.

To Gaymer,

You can read a lot of evidence that supposedly more "attractive" people get approached far less because people are intimidated by attractiveness and tend to shoot lower than they think they can achieve. I imagine that's especially true in a bar/club scenario where many people are there specifically to hook up.

A good gay friend of mine and I had a system worked out at the coffee shop we worked at together. If a guy he thought was cute walked in, I'd give him a free drink and say, "it's from that guy", which would spark a conversation with the pretext that there was some kind of interest. Work out a good ice breaker that non-verbally indicates interest. Even if the guy turns out to be straight, it really isn't a big deal. Tough-guy fratboy types may put on a show like they're offended, but a surprising number of straight dudes are actually pretty flattered by it.

Varya:
I am way drunk now, and also Swedish, so excuse me for any errors or references to socialism.

References to socialism? That made me giggle - socialism is the practice of redistributing wealth, that seemed absent from your post :)

Flying Dagger:

Varya:
I am way drunk now, and also Swedish, so excuse me for any errors or references to socialism.

References to socialism? That made me giggle - socialism is the practice of redistributing wealth, that seemed absent from your post :)

I'm, sorry, maybe you missed it. When I said I could study anything I wanted, I meant, study anything, and get money for it. I'm talking a course in Harry Potter here, not just any thing I might get a job from. I'd get about a 1000 dollars a month for that shit. That's socialism for y'all. (I really support socialism, but I like to take the most outrageous example I can find, and as I said, way, way drunk)

Varya:

Flying Dagger:

Varya:
I am way drunk now, and also Swedish, so excuse me for any errors or references to socialism.

References to socialism? That made me giggle - socialism is the practice of redistributing wealth, that seemed absent from your post :)

I'm, sorry, maybe you missed it. When I said I could study anything I wanted, I meant, study anything, and get money for it. I'm talking a course in Harry Potter here, not just any thing I might get a job from. I'd get about a 1000 dollars a month for that shit. That's socialism for y'all. (I really support socialism, but I like to take the most outrageous example I can find, and as I said, way, way drunk)

you can do a course in harry potter? oh well kudos on you for following your dreams!
I'm studying politics because it interests me, luckily though, that can lead to jobs too.

To NALALIW,

Coming clean is the way to go, don't keep lying about it. If you want a healthy relationship, tell the girl the truth.

Dastardly:
PS. If you're man enough to even ask this question, I'm pretty sure you'll do alright.

I think so too. I know you'll make the right choice. Good luck man!

Flying Dagger:

Varya:

Flying Dagger:

References to socialism? That made me giggle - socialism is the practice of redistributing wealth, that seemed absent from your post :)

I'm, sorry, maybe you missed it. When I said I could study anything I wanted, I meant, study anything, and get money for it. I'm talking a course in Harry Potter here, not just any thing I might get a job from. I'd get about a 1000 dollars a month for that shit. That's socialism for y'all. (I really support socialism, but I like to take the most outrageous example I can find, and as I said, way, way drunk)

you can do a course in harry potter? oh well kudos on you for following your dreams!
I'm studying politics because it interests me, luckily though, that can lead to jobs too.

Yeah, I heard it on the radio earlier today. Potter studies, tell your friends. I must admit though, I read Potter on my spare time and actually gonna try and study English this autumn, but yeah, that's actually a thing.

Break:

The second problem is related to the first, but it's a little more complicated. The word is "heteronormativity". In simple terms, it is the attitude people have that sets heterosexuality as the default, standard, normal sexuality, and that everyone you meet is to be assumed heterosexual until it is stated and/or proven otherwise. While this is statistically the more likely outcome...

I can see the problem of people who are not part of the statistical majority with the heteronormativity, but I personally can't envision voluntarily stopping to assume other people's sexuality (until proven otherwise) just to be safer in case I run into the 5% minority.
In short - I see your pain (I honestly do), but I don't think I can sacrifice the comfort of being right in 95% of case just to be safe for the remaining 5% of the cases. All I am willing to do, is to make the assumption as non-influential on my communication as possible.

E.g. I assume you have both parrents alive, but I don't ask you what you gave your father on Father's day until proven you HAVE a father, just in case you are actually Batman.

Lara Crigger:

HentMas:
I wonder how many questions they get each day, i wrote when i first saw the article... i wish they would at least acknowledge if your letter doesn't get trough screening...

I try to personally acknoweldge all letters that come in, although lately that's been quite difficult, given the volume we've received. Try resending?

I just did, thank you for your time Lara

rembrandtqeinstein:
To virgin dude:

For the love of all that is holy DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE. I almost snorted my coffee when I read it.

The sooner you come clean about this, the better; after all, healthy relationships aren't founded on falsehoods.

From that moment forward she will continuously wonder what else you are hiding and it will at worst destroy or at best cool down your relationship.

The key to healthy relationships is being able to lie consistently even under stress, and to take secrets to your grave if necessary.

To answer your specific question I can guarantee you that there are tons dudes your age who have not passed their penis through a vagina since they were born. There are however many fewer female virgins than male. It is just the nature of things, a friend calls it the "conservation of booty" theory but from an evolutionary perspective it makes sense. There is a long explanation but it breaks down like this; a man's investment in a child is much less than a woman's since he doesn't risk pregnancy. Therefore a woman will be much more selective about who she procreates with than a man will be. Teen sex isn't for the purpose of procreation but that biological goal is what is driving the process. The result of this is the small percentage of highly desirable men will get lots of play and the large percentage of less desirable men will get little if any. Even if that weren't the case the average woman would still have more partners than the average man. This is because girls mature faster and most start the relationship game several years younger than boys do.

In any case virgin dude here is what you do.

1. continue lying, if she asks directly deflect.
2. learn to read her, if the time is right and she is into you then she will make clear she wants boning

Here is one slick move you can use.

If she asks (rudely I might add) "how many women have you slept with?" then at first you don't say anything but smile slyly. Slowly reach around her waist, move in toward her, get your face close to hers while maintaining eye contact, then whisper "numbers are for scoreboards" and kiss her.

Continue refusing to answer. This will piss her off while simultaneously making her think about you more because you are suddenly more mysterious.

3. remember that "skill" at sex isn't nearly as much about the physical acts as being in tune with your partner, listening to them both in their words and body responses, and mostly caring about making your partner feel good.

Though you could get technically better the fundamentals are the same your first time or your thousandth time. If you truly care about your partner's needs and want to "be with" them then you can do no wrong.

Good luck!

Yeah don't do this, this guy either took "The Game" to heart or is a troll.

rembrandtqeinstein:
snipping wall o' text

I don't know man. As a virgin past my teenage years, to know my partner was just as inexperienced as me with sex would lead to feelings of relief. I'd be happy, since I wouldn't have to freak out about "Oh my God, am I doing this right? He's gonna hate me because I can't do this right." and it would just be downhill from there possibly.

So, if he does come clean, there's a chance she'll respond positively. Not saying she will, but there's a chance for both sides.

Taking a break from housecleaning, so I'm going to be more terse than usual, today.

Xman490:
I wonder if there's a movie called "The 20-Year-Old Virgin".

In fact, there is.

Break:
Actually, there are two problems; the most easily-understood is stereotyping, the image people have of the effeminate gay man...

I have to concur with much of what Break says. Even here in the Gay Capital of the World only a slender few gays are camp, and most don't match any of the stereotypes (or when they do, it's only because they intentionally play the part for a night.)

I'd like to say that this being the 21st century, you can just approach anyone that you fancy (within the parameters of civility and on the basis they respond to basic flirting, of course) but gay panic scenarios are still not unheard of in this era, so be careful if your community is less than tolerant.

I can say that my (strictly anecdotal) experiences is that flirting and courtship behavior between same-sex couples is identical to that between opposite-sexed couples. So mutual interest plus time in proximity will inevitably produce results.

238U.

Uriel-238:
I can say that my (strictly anecdotal) experiences is that flirting and courtship behavior between same-sex couples is identical to that between opposite-sexed couples. So mutual interest plus time in proximity will inevitably produce results.238U.

This got a "o.O" out of me. First, being gay I've slept with almost every single guy I dated and with most because ,and not in spite of, being uninterested. I don't think many straight couples can say they started their relationship with sex and even fewer sleep with everything that moves like most gays.

Secondly, a lot of guys who are slightly insecure (a common phenomenon in the realm of the geeks) are easily offended when another guy hits on them. There were two guys so far I tried to chat up and they acted all flirty till I asked them out and they said they were straight.
Not a big deal right? I mean it happens and I wasn't too vulgar so harm done. Well, no because after that each one of them came to me and started asking me what were doing "wrong". I mean, they must have been doing something wrong for a gay guy to hit on them right?

I try to avoid hitting on guys who might be straight because some of the time their fragile male ego can't handle that. Why is being approached by a guy not the compliment it should be? I don't know, but it just isn't

Just as an anecdote one of the guys I hit on came to me, with this morose expression and said he doesn't know what he is doing wrong. Men hit on him all the time. Girls are shocked to find out he isn't gay or even bi and he just doesn't know what to do!
Needless to say I offered a comforting shoulder rather than tell him the truth: earrings in both ears, thin and with out a hint of muscle, clean cut shaven and dresses like a hipster - why would anyone think you are straight?

Sean Deli:

Break:

The second problem is related to the first, but it's a little more complicated. The word is "heteronormativity". In simple terms, it is the attitude people have that sets heterosexuality as the default, standard, normal sexuality, and that everyone you meet is to be assumed heterosexual until it is stated and/or proven otherwise. While this is statistically the more likely outcome...

I can see the problem of people who are not part of the statistical majority with the heteronormativity, but I personally can't envision voluntarily stopping to assume other people's sexuality (until proven otherwise) just to be safer in case I run into the 5% minority.
In short - I see your pain (I honestly do), but I don't think I can sacrifice the comfort of being right in 95% of case just to be safe for the remaining 5% of the cases. All I am willing to do, is to make the assumption as non-influential on my communication as possible.

E.g. I assume you have both parrents alive, but I don't ask you what you gave your father on Father's day until proven you HAVE a father, just in case you are actually Batman.

I was actually wondering if I hadn't gone deeply enough into why heteronormativity is so difficult to shake, so I suppose I thank you for putting it so starkly.

Like most forms of privilege (of which heterosexual privilege is but one kind) the person being benefited by the inequality usually internalises it; when the suggestion of trying to fix the broken situation is made, it often involves the privileged party losing some of those benefits, which, when the privileged party has come to see those benefits as their natural due, can feel unfair - or, as Sean Deli illustrated so concisely, the privileged party can simply be unwilling to relinquish those benefits, because those benefits make life easier for them. Heteronormativity supports heterosexual privilege, and is in turn supported by it; like other vicious circles, trying to break the chain from the outside becomes incredibly difficult. Which is, again, pretty much the biggest reason why The Gaymer's problems aren't something that can be solved in the space of a column; all that can really be done in the short term is advise how he might make the best of the situation, which Lara Crigger has done a perfectly acceptable job of in her response.

Ophenix:
This got a "o.O" out of me. First, being gay I've slept with almost every single guy I dated and with most because ,and not in spite of, being uninterested. I don't think many straight couples can say they started their relationship with sex and even fewer sleep with everything that moves like most gays.

You'd be surprised.

Keep in mind the whole conservative family values thing is a stereotype, and in those circles, an ideal that is seldom achieved. Even the colonial puritans had stats that indicated they got around. (A third of all Puritan brides were pregnant at their marriage, for example). We're taught we're supposed to date several times (twice) before throwing our clothes to the wind and rutting like bunnies, but this has done nothing to slow the rates of STI.[1]

I have to admit that when shifting my own dating circles from the pansex community to the mainstream, it kinda took me by surprise too. An LTR kinda guy, myself, it was disappointing how many first dates that seemed to go swimmingly turned out to be one-night-stands.[2]. In the sampling that makes up my own dating history, those women who were into me rarely waited for a second date before things got hot and heavy, to the point that I would assume a snog-free first date was a mismatch, and I'd never hear from the girl again.

Now the idea of sleeping with folk regardless of express disinterest, that's a phenomenon with which, I'm not familiar. The closest I can imagine is hitting on someone with whom I was less invested, because it was emotionally safer, but even then a base attraction has to be there.

But when I was comparing het flirting and courtship behaviors to gay ones, what I was saying was, that if two guys like each other (or two girls) the impulses are to engage that person somehow, even if it's just a shared activity as innocuous as bible study or a pot luck. And if that buzz is there, they'll continue to interact until either the sexual tension dissipates (say, do to a low compatibility sum) or until it resolves.[3] Regardless of orientation, people statistically hook up from the same places: Work, school, church, friends of family, friends of friends. Craigslist and singles clubs are not on this list.

Secondly, a lot of guys who are slightly insecure (a common phenomenon in the realm of the geeks) are easily offended when another guy hits on them. There were two guys so far I tried to chat up and they acted all flirty till I asked them out and they said they were straight.

You've encountered what is the light end of the gay panic syndrome. My own experience with this sort of thing was in my teens / early twenties and being confused between what I wanted and what others wanted, hence if I was hit on by a gay friend, did that mean I was gay myself (even if I was disinterested)?[4]

That said, those who would get offended by having the wrong person approach them could use to have their delicate egos cracked. Half the population already gets hit on, often by people they'd rather not, and we all could use some lessons in both how to say and how to hear That's very sweet of you, and you have excellent taste, but no. without freaking out.[5]

In the information era, I'd say, this is something that we should be teaching our kids: I like chatting with you too. But I'm nine. Meeting IRL... probably not a good idea. We, as a species, we need to get used to saying no, hearing no and it all being okay. Doubly so for those of us in the US.

Just as an anecdote one of the guys I hit on came to me, with this morose expression and said he doesn't know what he is doing wrong. Men hit on him all the time. Girls are shocked to find out he isn't gay or even bi and he just doesn't know what to do! Needless to say I offered a comforting shoulder rather than tell him the truth: earrings in both ears, thin and with out a hint of muscle, clean cut shaven and dresses like a hipster - why would anyone think you are straight?

I'd say in such situations, you'd do him better being truthful. Dude, the way you dress, you are queen of the ball. I'd further add that this is not intrinsically a bad thing. Here in San Francisco, we pride ourselves on dressing to suit our characters rather than to fit someone else's standard of fashion and decorum. But many of us are plagued by images that will lead to common assumptions. So long as he is willing to accommodate for that (say, get used to making the first move, and outing himself as straight) he can hipster out all he wants.

238U.

[1] Nor has pregnancy been slowed by prudent dating strategies, as showed in those areas where activists suppress the availability of contraception. Human beings are just a randy lot.
[2] Or maybe I was just that bad in the sack...
[3] Often with the comedic what just happened? afternote.
[4] Note, I was socially confused (and attracted to women, yet completely puzzled by them). So it was unclear to me where doing something to make a buddy happy ended and my own limits began. I really needed to be able to say something to the effect of, Dude, I love you, but I'd be really weirded out getting naked with you., and I simply had no understanding of how to formulate that language.
[5] As a ruthlessly pedantic sort, upon detecting someone was taking a hit poorly out of awkwardness, I'd go ahead and pressure them into roleplay: Okay, I'm going to say, "Hey, baby, can I have this dance?" And you're going to say "Thank you, No. I only dance with Daddy." I'd recommend you figure out in advance your own devices for disarming such situations.

Ophenix:
This got a "o.O" out of me. First, being gay I've slept with almost every single guy I dated

Is that weird? I wouldn't date a guy I'm not interested in enough to have sex with him. I've had sex with 100% of the guys I've dated (and with a couple guys I never dated).

Ophenix:
and with most because ,and not in spite of, being uninterested.

Okay, that part is different. I'd never have sex with someone I'm not interested in. I'm not sure why not being attracted to them would cause you to have sex with them, though. Sounds pretty paradoxical to me.

Ophenix:
I don't think many straight couples can say they started their relationship with sex and even fewer sleep with everything that moves like most gays.

Well, I know a lot of people who started off as casual sex, but I agree I don't know many people who sleep with everything that moves - straight, gay or bi/pan. Maybe they just don't tell me about it though.

Avistew:

Ophenix:
and with most because ,and not in spite of, being uninterested.

Okay, that part is different. I'd never have sex with someone I'm not interested in. I'm not sure why not being attracted to them would cause you to have sex with them, though. Sounds pretty paradoxical to me.

For some reason this sentence has been misinterpreted so I'll try and explain myself. Uninterested in =/= Not attracted to.
I don't date guys I don't find attractive but I sometimes end up with people who are uninteresting, a mismatch, or people who have some random feature I find to be a horrible turn-off (like smoking, drinking, drugs, autobiographies or modern poetry).
I will still sleep with the guy because I am attracted to him but I won't be seeing him again and I will probably ask him to wait till I leave before he lights his cigarette.

Uriel-238:
As a ruthlessly pedantic sort, upon detecting someone was taking a hit poorly out of awkwardness, I'd go ahead and pressure them into roleplay: Okay, I'm going to say, "Hey, baby, can I have this dance?" And you're going to say "Thank you, No. I only dance with Daddy." I'd recommend you figure out in advance your own devices for disarming such situations.

When I'm the one being hit on I try to be gentle with a "Thank you, but I'm not interested" or if I know it'll end badly I just lie - "I have a boyfriend, I'm sorry."
But I have to say rejecting people has never been a problem for me or anyone I know. Then again, I'm from Israel and we are not known for our polite and gentle nature >.>;

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