Escape to the Movies: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

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commasplice:
I am so very sorry, Bob. Thank you for sitting through crap like this so that I don't have to.

Second and throw in a salute! Seriously though I hope Captain America is a really great film that blows Bob's mind to nirvana for all the crap he's been put through for watching these bad movies. *sigh* I still can't believe Michael Bay is shafting the MAIN characters for squishy unknown humans.

I actually feel sorry for Moviebob after this review. That depression at the end sounded quite genuine.

MowDownJoe:

Samoftherocks:
What did Nimoy do?

He apparently makes a cameo in this film.

And that got a dis from Bob? Not cool Bob, not cool.

walsfeo:

MowDownJoe:

Samoftherocks:
What did Nimoy do?

He apparently makes a cameo in this film.

And that got a dis from Bob? Not cool Bob, not cool.

He voiced Sentinel Prime. I guess Bob thinks since Spock is now in someway pushed into Bay's movie it's a disappointment.

If it makes you feel better Bob, I've been looking forward to this review more than I have the movie.

And I can't blame your burnout at this point. In a summer of blockbusters most are either umpteen sequals or adapations, and despite a few years of hope this gives the nerd in all of us, most have been passable at best. X-Men has been the only thing this summer truely good, with a couple of passables like Thor, but the rest has been outright drek without the MST camp factor, or something like Pirates that might have been fine except for the shadow of the films that came before. I'm sure Harry Potter will deliver, but the rest of the summer is still a coin toss.

I'll admit, we've probably been spoiled by Lord of the Rings, the Dark Knight and other adaptations by directors that give a shit about the work, but for some of the phoned in efforts, it's clear we're seeing cash grabs with special effects budgets. It's the 90s all over again.

MovieBob:
Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Bob actually has a few good things to say about Transformers 3.

Watch Video

if you need a good recommendation for a movie that will drop you jaw go check out oldboy, and the move that restored my faith in vampires is thirst(by the same director BTW) and they are both Korean movies.

See, if I want to watch giant transforming robots fight, I'll just go watch Zeta Gundam, or Macross since those still have brains in their skulls.

meganmeave:
So, people who like movies you don't shouldn't be allowed to vote? Wow. That's almost as bad as saying people who enjoy certain kinds of hip hop are a good reason for legalized abortion.

I didn't think it was possible to have this much bile for people who share different tastes than your own.

Give it a rest old chap, it was an exaggeration to drive home the point that this film is catering to the lowest possible common denominator. Yes MovieBob is very biased when it comes to this kind of film but he does have a point, going to see a movie like this (i.e a pretty awful one) and paying for it allows the movie studio to get away with making more utter rubbish rather than actually making semi-decent films because hey people went to see the last one why should we actually put some effort into the movies we produce.

On a side note are you trying to imply that there is something wrong with legalised abortions?

I wholeheartedly agree, Bob. This movie was terrible, despite pretty much everyone I know telling me otherwise. And yes...Nimoy was embarrising in this movie

Arkvoodle:
Despite (or perhaps even because of) the flaws with "Dark of the Moon," I still enjoy it and the live-action TF franchise.

Michael Bay's interpretation of things is by no means the worst thing to ever happen to Transformers.

Agreed. That honor goes to a certain CGI series by the name of Beast Machines. It's predecessor, Beast Wars, was quite possibly the best thing to happen to the brand since it's conception. And then they decided to make a new one with different writers. I prefer not to remember it ever happened.

Haven't seen it, and probably won't since I saw the first two, but you know what bothers me the most about these movies?

What bothers me are the hundreds of people who actually do a really good job and put a lot of effort into these productions, only for the handful of people who have creative control to put all that to waste.

nintendo414:
Did nimoy do something?

He voices Sentinel Prime and uses an old Star Trek quote "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

I don't see why Bob's taking such offense to it--it's an appropriate line considering the situation.

I decided to see this on Tuesday night sort of against my better judgement.. heck, I was at the theater already having just seen the much better X-Men: First Class and I had no other plans for the day... and it was really cheap ($7 for the 3D version). I was still disappointed, mainly because I had heard that it was so much better than the others in the series.

Bob covered all the main points, but I have a few things to add.

1.) No one likes Shia Lebeouf. Yet, the whole pretense of the first 3/4 of the movie is that we're supposed to feel sorry for him because he just doesn't get the respect and hero worship he deserves. Sorry, Mr. Bay, putting yourself in a movie as a proxy shouldn't be this blatantly obvious.

2.) This movie has absolutely no sense at all of tone and consistently. There is action, but it's blah and samey, with only one really cool moment (The honestly sweet Optimus on Megatron Fatality at the end). There is drama, but it's terrible and has no impact. There is comedy, but it's probably the worst and least funny comedy that it shouldn't even be called by the name. As if that wasn't bad enough, there is absolutely no sense of transition or timing in any of it. You will get whiplash as the "film" jumps from terrible action to terrible comedy to terrible drama to comedy to action to etc. Despite all of the other negatives about the movie, this is really the worst aspect of it.

3.) Rosie is ass ugly. Sure, Megan Fox was only sort of hot in that overly polished made for Hollywood and/or an Adult Film career way, but at least she has a genuinely attractive look, especially to her face. Rosie is just ugly. She has a nice body, sure, but I dare you not to shudder any time you see her face in this movie. I don't know if it's the make up or what but.. *shudder* Normally this isn't something I'd comment on in a movie as it really shouldn't matter, but seeing as she is so blatantly positioned as "da sex bomb" (and, near honestly, the only female) in the movie, it needs to be mentioned.

I hope this is the last time that Transformers gets "deep wanged" by Michael Bay.

Problem with all these movies are they are so fucking long. The fights go on forever and you just start getting bored. Like the scenes in the Matrix sequels, they are great and then 10 minutes later they out stay there welcome and become boring. Why does Bay feel the need to take over 2 hours to communicate a simple plot that could be done in 90 minutes? Why do fights have to go on so long they get boring? Why add pointless scenes for shia and the new girl.....the movie is called Transformers for a reason, so just give us the robots, not the crappy humans. Maybe they should get someone else to direct the next one, if there is another one. Better story, more about the robots and less bullshit could make it a good movie.

nintendo414:
Did nimoy do something?

He does the voice for Sentinel Prime

Yeah, thanks for the review Bob, as unnecessary as it was. I just don't get the defenders who way 'stop complaining that it's bad, it's a giant robot movie it doesn't matter'. That's just it - these movies fail as giant robot movies, given how they're constantly upstaged by the human characters.

And that's before you even get into the casual racism, sexism, homophobia, dogs humping, dick humor, robots pissing on people...

I made the mistake of letting myself get roped into seeing Revenge of the Fallen. It was two hours of Michael Bay tea-bagging the audience. I will never knowingly watch another film he's involved with.

TheLastTatlFan:

Arkvoodle:
Despite (or perhaps even because of) the flaws with "Dark of the Moon," I still enjoy it and the live-action TF franchise.

Michael Bay's interpretation of things is by no means the worst thing to ever happen to Transformers.

Agreed. That honor goes to a certain CGI series by the name of Beast Machines. It's predecessor, Beast Wars, was quite possibly the best thing to happen to the brand since it's conception. And then they decided to make a new one with different writers. I prefer not to remember it ever happened.

Close but not quite right.

The worst bit of Transformers lore is "Kiss-Play," a Japanese radio drama where Optimus Prime & his fellow Autobots gain superpowers by making out with underage girls.

Let's just all thank God Bay's never heard of that bit.

Poor Bob. Well, look on the bright side...um...

Oh hey, did you check out the trailer for Brave? The new Pixar movie looks like it'll be pretty awesome. And it's not starring Reese Witherspoon after all.

For what it's worth, you do still have fans and supporters who enjoy the work you do.

When I saw Transformers 1, I wanted to punch the whole film.
When I saw Transformers 2, I laid down in the street hoping a car might hit me or something.
When I see Transformers 3, I will be bound like Alex in A Clockwork Orange and doing so against my will.

I'm not asking for Oscar-worthy script-writing here, just something comprehensible.

And as I've said once before: the robots do look as if you fed a porcupine an automotive factory that was shrunk to the size of a pea, and the factory expanded to its regular size when inside said porcupine.

I liked them. What exactly is wrong with these movies ? I fail to understand why it is terrible.

It's alright Bob, it's ok. It's over now, these movies can disappear into mediocrity and we never have to hear from them again. We can get Captain America later and it should hopefully breath some life into things for you (not me personally, I thought Thor was great).

UNKNOWNINCOGNITO:
I liked them. What exactly is wrong with these movies ? I fail to understand why it is terrible.

Check out his column. The title of it implies a fanboy-free analysis of why Transformers 3 is a terrible movie, and since the problems of the first and second movies were basically the same, I'm betting this breakdown of the third will apply to them all.

I can't wait until this movie is done. I despise these movies, and to me they represent the stagnation of the action genre, and movies in general. It shows that all you need to do is put a few explosions on a screen and people will pay out millions. That creating characters, good scenes, and a least passable story, even in an action movie, is not required. What happened to the Die Hards and Terminators? How about Star Wars or Indiana Jones? Silly action movies and campy sci-fi can be done well. You don't have to sacrifice the other aspects of a film to create good action. Instead we get this. A horrible movie held to be the standard because people see robot and explosions and are willing to forget all the horrible parts that came before. It is mediocrity held as gold. And anyone who disagrees is a "snob who can't appreciate movies". I can appreciate movies. I DO appreciate movies. That's why these films hurt so much.

Warforger:
Well I don't care about story because it has no real effect on me IRL, I won't ever use it again and it's just a fan thing, as long as it can capture as much as possible without making me bored that's fine, but if it goes on forever trying to build up characters and all that and then story nerds and critics insult me for being bored and not liking it, something really stupid has happened. Hence why I like watching the Star Wars prequels for the action and then zoom past the story crap or go to pee. On the other hand in politics anything I can learn will help me so I'm more motivated to do so, anything I can learn in driving will also help me so I'm more motivated to do so, but anything in a story? I won't ever use it again unless it's for some example or something, and the worst part is a bunch of people hate people like me then.

Not saying that Transformers is a good film and that story is stupid, just that I hate it when stories get too complex and I don't enjoy them and now I'm the bad guy for not being entertained by entertainment.

There's a few things here that I take issue with. First of all, it's just a movie. It's entertainment. You're really not supposed to take usable knowledge away from it unless it's a documentary or instruction video. So I feel like you saying, "Well, I'm not going to get anything out of it, so the story doesn't matter," is kind of ridiculous. You're not getting anything out of the action scenes, either, unless you're using them to learn how to fight giant robots or something.

Even aside from that, the problem here isn't just that the movie had a simplistic plot and was therefore bad. Complexity doesn't instantly make a movie Oscar material, or even necessarily interesting. The problem is that a movie shouldn't make you want to skip past the meat sections or leave the room altogether, like the Star Wars prequels did for you. If a movie compels you to do anything other than sit down and watch the whole damn thing, it's just not doing its job. Period.

Maybe the downturn in the economy will prove to be an excuse not to see T:DotM? It sounds like it shouldn't take much of an excuse... It would be a shame for people who are reserving their movie-watching money to use it on this.

Well, I'm not going to see it, but I was fed up with 'em it after the first movie. ("The world is about to end! We've got to hurr- AGH don't let mom and dad see the giant robots on the lawn!")

Anyone else find it slightly ironic that the cure for ennui caused by a military-worshipping action movie should be Captain America? I'm not saying it might not be a much better movie, it just seems odd.

meganmeave:
So, people who like movies you don't shouldn't be allowed to vote? Wow. That's almost as bad as saying people who enjoy certain kinds of hip hop are a good reason for legalized abortion.

I didn't think it was possible to have this much bile for people who share different tastes than your own.

Michael Bay's Transformers is about as tasteless as you can get. Was there any hope for the Michael Bay trilogy to begin with? The amount of money poured into these films could have been much better spent elsewhere. What a giant waste.

Bob, you should start reviewing indie films. Hollywood's block-buster masterpiece days are dead and gone :)

Brilliant episode. I too am completely bemused by the success of the Transformers trilogy, I truly can't understand what everyone sees in it.

There are plenty of good mindless action movies, this is not one of them.

Goddamnit Bay,why can't you make a movie that's worth a damn you goofy fuck, ugh he's getting to be WORSE the Shamalama or whatever the hell the bastards name is, things like this make me want to ragequit life with a 60 tetra-ton bomb

I love those Orange Star tanks.

So I get that the Transformers movies aren't particularly good by any measure but they really aren't bad enough for anyone bar the more principled Transformers fans to boycott. People, myself included, will go to see this purely because it's the only way to see a live action Transformers movie.

Would I like to see a Transformers movie that's actually well written and contains, for the majority of the screen time and action sequences, Transformers? Hell yes!
Is there currently, or in the near future likely to be, such a thing in existence? Nope.

It's a sad state of affairs that they couldn't get it right after 3 attempts but I, like many others, wanna see another live action Transformers movie and this is the only way to do that.

I know it's not helping the situation and in fact it's probably part of the problem, but that's the honest truth from my point of view. I guess we can only hope that they prove just successful enough to warrant more Transformers films directed by someone other than Michael Bay.

Battle Catman:

nintendo414:
Did nimoy do something?

He voices Sentinel Prime and uses an old Star Trek quote "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

I don't see why Bob's taking such offense to it--it's an appropriate line considering the situation.

SPOILER ALERT
well, he was only destroying the race of 7 billion humans to save what was left of the people of cybertron, which seems to be less then 7 billion.
END SPOILER ALERT

Arkvoodle:
Michael Bay's interpretation of things is by no means the worst thing to ever happen to Transformers.

Dare I ask what was?

Personally, I'm with Bob on this one. That Michael Bay actually makes money with his films sickens and depresses me in more ways than I care to list. He does for movies what Stephany Meyer does for books; he's the ultimate proof that you don't have to have any skill whatsoever at your chosen craft to be a success at it. To a guy like me, who considers storytelling to be an art, who has worked for more than 14 years now at perfecting his craft, but still can't get a break for whatever arbitrary reasons the publishers decide he's not worth the risk, watching a hack like Michael Bay make millions of dollars by just throwing bright lights and colors at the screen for two hours makes me incredibly fucking angry. It says to me that heart and soul and artistic integrity - all of the things I've based my still nonexistent career on - mean nothing at all.
And it's not just that I can't get a break on this. If everybody out there was better than me, or at worst, as good as me, I'd be fine, but this shit? I wrote stuff that was just as good as the Transformers movie when I was in fifth grade. Fifth fucking grade! I didn't know the first thing about story structure, plot, or the basic elements of characterization and my thought process was basically "I want these two characters to fight and any arbitrary reason works fine for me," and it was just as good as this shit.

I'm skipping this one for all the reasons I should have skipped the other 2. That & I don't want to be reminded of seeing a transformers film in 3D. But most importantly they killed Ravage in 2 so I could care less.

Well, at least you didn't out-and-out hate it.

That being said, I'm still going to see this movie. And if it means it was just as good as - and maybe even slightly better than Transformers 1 - chances are I'm REALLY going to dig it.

Yes, on hindsight, ROTF was crap. I can't really defend that movie. I didn't even buy it on Blu-Ray if it makes you feel any better. The fact they didn't have a polished script at the time highlighted and laid bare everything that was bad about the franchise. I can't deny that.

Yet at the same time, I don't hold that much reverence for Transformers like you or other fans seem to do. As you might have read before, I have a good 10-year lead on you lifewise, so first of all Transformers never really got to me the same way it did those who were younger; I just saw it as a 30-minute-long toy commercial that I turned off my brain and watched when I got home from high school. It wasn't very substantial (Robotech was where I wanted to go for that). It was TV junk food. The only reason I cared about Transformers: The Movie was because of its PG rating and the fact that "OMG! They're actually DYING in this!" and "Heavy Metal soundtrack! Kick-ass!" and "Did I just hear Spike say 'Shit'?" If it didn't have any of that, it would have been just as bad and forgettable as all the other 80's cartoon movies that were coming out at the time. So when the first one came out, I went in with kind of the same attitude. And when Bay did pretty much the same thing cranked-up to 11, I was satisfied.

So when I look for good, intellectually stimulating Sci-Fi, I don't expect much from Transformers in ANY incarnation to begin with. If I want something substantial, I'll go to Star Trek or Babylon 5. If you look at my movie collection, you'll find masterpieces like The 2001, Dark Knight, Akira, Star Trek II, Dark City and the Lord of The Rings trilogy resting alongside Van Helsing, A.I., Heavy Metal, Flash Gordon and Starship Troopers. It's not always so cut-and-dried an issue.

Or look at it this way, you and I both loved Sucker Punch, yet everyone continues to rip on that movie. I bought the extended cut on Blu-Ray and don't feel ashamed of it in the least bit. Or again, you absolutely loved Splice, yet I found that as good as the premise was, it all fell apart in the last 10 minutes with a...um..."climax" that was totally ripped-off from The Beast Within, and I just couldn't get over that.

So let's just agree to disagree on this one. I don't think that me or anyone else who likes this movie somehow makes us bad people, any more than I think your liking Splice makes you one. And you can at least take some comfort in knowing Michael Bay won't be back and hope that they'll get a better class of director next go-round.

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