Transformers Fanboy-Free Breakdown

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Transformers Fanboy-Free Breakdown

Another week, another breakdown of a lackluster, nonsensical movie.

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this definitely deserved to be ripped a new one. Doesn't help that the screenplay damaged one of Star Trek's most iconic line (and I'm not even a fanboy of that series)

Can Ken Jeong Do Any Other Characters?

Bob, have you watched Community?

Yeah, the complete lack of plot cohesion at the start of RotF just made me give up on the series. I will not be giving Mr. Bay my money this time around.

Aiddon:
this definitely deserved to be ripped a new one. Doesn't help that the screenplay damaged one of Star Trek's most iconic line (and I'm not even a fanboy of that series)

How exactly does it "damage" the line? Is "Wrath of Khan" retroactively considered an inferior movie now? Is it just impossible to carry lines/moments between different kinds of movies without somehow "damaging" them???

Arrgh the mass shifting he does in these films makes me wanna tear my hair out. I was having trouble taking the first one seriously anyway then they shrink the allspark down from some infinitely heavy mguffin into something you can put in a rucksack i mean come on wtf.

I'll try and answer these for you as I feel you deserve an answer and these are all my guesses.

1. I think it matches with why Megatron sucked in Transformer's 2 and 3, in number one the goal was to bring back Megatron and start domination with Earth being planet number one as it has a nice big Sun, using the AllSpark as fuel. Megatron, when being brought back, has momentum going for him and has started a berserker rage on the Autobots which stopped as he came back while Optimus is powered by a Last Dance as he tries to take out the main three with him.

In Transformers 2 Megatron meets up with the boss and they go with Plan B and I think the Fallen was planning to wait until Megatron took out Optimus and he would join up with him. The injuries sustained by Megatron in RoTF have given him a weakened and humiliated state as the brain damage has caused him to go a bit loopy as the girl sparks the anger he felt by Sentinel's beat down.

2. I think when the the city battle happened the amount of people who believe in aliens increased to 49% at the very least and after a Pyramid was lost, it would have been too hard to cover that one up and they went open about it.

3. Well it's a lot easier to find a place to put a load of vehicles then it is to place a whole group of robots and it would satisfy people like Bill O'Reilly as the public might be more alright with dealing with robots that don't demand their own big place.

4. Bad directing by Bay and the inability of film makers to realise that the general public can go without seeing the standard 'average guy gets caught up in everything.' angle.

5. The military angle was actually my little joy as it answered the question of 'Why don't the military ever try and fight the bad guys themselves?' and it showed that humanity could hold its own but only with the best and if it was one at a time. although on the suit on RoTF I do not think that he had the authority to shut down or overrule an INTERNATIONAL team of robot fighters.

6. No.

Arkvoodle:

Aiddon:
this definitely deserved to be ripped a new one. Doesn't help that the screenplay damaged one of Star Trek's most iconic line (and I'm not even a fanboy of that series)

How exactly does it "damage" the line? Is "Wrath of Khan" retroactively considered an inferior movie now? Is it just impossible to carry lines/moments between different kinds of movies without somehow "damaging" them???

I hate this kind of strawman tactic. No, Wrath of Khan is not somehow a worse movie, but Kruger once again proves he's a hack by trying to artificially inject gravitas into his shitty writing by putting in one of Leonard Nimoy's most iconic phrases. Fuck Kruger, fuck Bay, and shame on Nimoy for being in this film. The only thing possibly worse is Francis McDormand wasting her time in this film.

MowDownJoe:

Can Ken Jeong Do Any Other Characters?

Bob, have you watched Community?

He was also pretty funny in Role Models as the king of the LARPers.

Well, Bob, one could argue that the basic message of Transformers has ALWAYS been that from day one. The Transformers were conceived in the 1980s at the height of Reagansim. And both it and G.I. Joe which usually aired after it were very much products of their time, endorsing the brand of militarism that particular administration was known for. Even Peter Cullen envisioned Prime as being kind of like John Wayne, and there's a little bit of that quality in his voice if you listen closely. And you can't get more all-American than that.

Arkvoodle:

Aiddon:
this definitely deserved to be ripped a new one. Doesn't help that the screenplay damaged one of Star Trek's most iconic line (and I'm not even a fanboy of that series)

How exactly does it "damage" the line? Is "Wrath of Khan" retroactively considered an inferior movie now? Is it just impossible to carry lines/moments between different kinds of movies without somehow "damaging" them???

After watching this movie, i can no longer read the dictionary. Ruined all the words.

Can Ken Jeong Do Any Other Characters?

Well, he could play a cranky gynaecologist in Knocked Up. But apart from that he's a pretty annoying one-note actor.

And I have to say that you're really overthinking these movies. There's no need for that; They're simply shit, and that all the analysation these movies deserve.

Casual Shinji:

Can Ken Jeong Do Any Other Characters?

Well, he could play a cranky gynaecologist in Knocked Up. But apart from that he's a pretty annoying one-note actor.

And I have to say that you're really overthinking these movies. There's no need for that; They're simply shit, and that all the analysation these movies deserve.

It was immensely satisfying to see Laserbeak (who came out of his re-imagining better than most of his peers) throw him out of a window with an air of casual disdain.

simply put:
Kenneth Branaugh's Transformers.

'nuff said.

Brace for apologist fans whining about how you're thinking too deep, you're supposed to turn your brain off, etc and other excuses for terrible movie-making.

The second movie caused me physical pain. I'm so sad that the third movie even exists that I cannot verbalise my disdain.
Just plain sad.

I kind of hope that they never make another live-action Transformers movie again--an ANIMATED feature, though, THAT could be fun. Plus they couldn't even use the "human characters are less expensive to film" excuse--we'd probably even get to go to Cybertron.

As for the Nimoy thing, am I the only one surprised that he even DID this movie after all those years of pretending he didn't voice Galvatron?

LordBojangles:

As for the Nimoy thing, am I the only one surprised that he even DID this movie after all those years of pretending he didn't voice Galvatron?

Bay is Nimoy's nephew, if that helps.

Aiddon:
this definitely deserved to be ripped a new one. Doesn't help that the screenplay damaged one of Star Trek's most iconic line (and I'm not even a fanboy of that series)

I thought that when I had SpoonyOne in his Vlog mention this line. They took a deep, meaningful line from a crucial point in the story that was so important for the progression of these people as characters, not to mention that Wrath of Khan is one of the best damn Sci Fi movies ever with a near Shakespearian level of writing. This really important line: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few", is now in the same movie as Deep Wang.

Way to fucking go, Bay. We really dig your humor of calling an asian guy Jimmy Wang...
And I don't consider myself a Star Trek Fan either, I just saw the movies when they were on TV.

In answer to "What Do the Decepticons Want, Again?" I'll yet again quot an critique of the series that I am writing.

As for the new shiny dodad they had to find I actually liked that part because it made all the movies make since when put together.
Think about the Deceptacons plans if nothing had gone wrong.
1. Megatron comes to earth to retrieve the all-spark, not to rebuild Cybertron but to give him the advantage over the Auotobots and turn earth's machines into an army (even though he landed hundreds of years ago and we didn't have so much as a tin-opener but OK whatever).
2. Once Optimus had been defeated the fallen would come out of hiding, he and megatron would scorer the earth for the matrix of leadership, Jetfire would still be on their side so he would give them the information he had thus speeding up their search. The fallen would activate that machine that turns the sun into energon (or whatever the hell it was meant to do).
3. Megatron resurrects Vector-Prime who activates the space bridge and brings Cybertron to earth. With the energon, earth's natural resources, human slaves and the machine race created by the all-spark they rebuild Cybertron,....... and inevitably Vector-Prime, Megatron, and The Fallen fight for control (or enter another stupid rock paper scissors thing), and only one of these three stages has to succeed for the Deceptacons to win, It's one of the best evil plans I've ever seen, to bad it was unintentional and we had to sit through so much bullshit to see it.

(Fixed the spelling.)

There's a lot wrong with this movie. I've expelled my bile elsewhere. I just want to point out that Ken Jeong making a cameo is a brilliant choice. See, to the douchebags this movie is both marketed to and enjoyed by, The Hangover and The Hangover 2 are not just funny movies. They are funny movies about how awesome and fun life is when you're a single douchebag in Vegas (or Shanghai, I guess). To them, Ken Jeong is the funniest Asian man they have ever see. Finding him in their new transformers movie causes their leftover love for The Hangover 2 to instantly be added onto their love for this new Transformers movie. Well, I guess I just kind of described to an internet community the purpose and function of a movie cameo; that wasn't what I was going for.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that although it seems like a weird, out of place thing to do, it's actually pretty good casting. If there's anyone these douchebags would want to see in a cameo role right now it's "The Asian dude from Hangover 2...... Bro".

MovieBob:
MovieBob: Transformers Fanboy-Free Breakdown

Another week, another breakdown of a lackluster, nonsensical movie.

Read Full Article

WAIT! That "military group in the desert" sub-plot totally DID have a reason!

To get a blurry, hard to see picture to the goverment agency that knew of it's fellows existence anyway!

MovieBob:
MovieBob: Transformers Fanboy-Free Breakdown

Another week, another breakdown of a lackluster, nonsensical movie.

Read Full Article

Bob, considering your last point of politics bleeding through... are you surprised more by the idea of current event politics being present or the possibility of the movie possibly NOT supporting (which I doubt is intentional) a non-liberal point of view? Knowing Hollywood's track record of backing the left, I have a hard time believing a summer "blockbuster" having an anti-liberal point of view being presented in a decent light.

So it's not a movie for fans of the originals, the original fans hate it. And it's not a movie for kids (the presumed target of all the toys) because it contains a number of risque elements.

Who is this a movie for? Teenagers who don't particularly care about transformers? That's an odd target audience for a transforms movie.

Although what really kills me are the A-list actors involved: Nimoy, DiMaggio, Tudyk, Weaving, Turturro, Malkovich . . . I realize from their perspective it's a nice fat paycheck for easy work, and I don't begrudge them at all, but it's still disappointing to see them involved.

Wow... I hope Captain America is the best damn action film of the summer or we're going to have to put Bob on suicide watch...

Vegan_Doodler:
-Snip-

This is a horrible plan. No part of it makes chronological sense, it involves 3 simultaneous and needlesly complicated plans to do things that have no real meaning. The screenwriters never put any thought into them, or into their interpretation of Megatron as a character. Well, actually, never mind. I suppose the stupid, inept Megatron the writers for this franchise produced would be expected to have 3 simultaneous horribly flawed plans. Flawed plans are kind of a staple of movie villans, but these plans are designed to fail.
The way they planned to execute phase 3 makes no sense and would have killed EVERYONE. You can't just bring a celestial body halfway across the galaxy into our solar system and pretend nothing's going to happen. With Cybertron being as big as it is, it would have collided with Earth within a few days, destroying all life on our planet (including their entire slave labor force). When the portal shut down, it cut off part of cybertron, meaning that even if they had succeeded at that point, all life on Earth would STILL be destroyed by that huge chunk colliding with Chicago. They could then return to their stupid 4/5 of a planet. And why did all this necessitate moving to Chicago? Why did they attack and start blowing things up? Every nation already signed over all their rights and submitted to Emperor Megatron. At that point they could have just stationed some occupying forces, no big deal. And why did Cybertron have to come to Earth anyways? Wouldn't it just be easier to send starscream to Cybertron with 4 or so of those cores, then teleport all the humans to Cybertron instantly? You could even send your troops back and forth faster.

Finally, one unrelated question: Am I the only one a little suprised that the Autobots don't care at all about any of the things they say they do? I mean, this IS Michael Bay we're discussing, but still. Nobody ever mourns an Autobot dying, even if they're a main character with a face and a name and perhaps even some screen time. Optimus doesn't care at all about any of his subordinates or their conditions. And finally, why did they not bat an eyelash when they completely destroy Cybertron? Sure it's a desolate wasteland, but it's still their old home. You can tell me "Earth is their new home" all you want, it doesn't change the fact that no planet ever fully replaces your old one. We humans have a massive boner for the Earth, no way would we watch it get destroyed the way Cybertron was without so much as a comment. They pretty much imploded it, scattering space debris all over their old system. No worries?

-Edit: Why did I snip the plan that I'm calling out as making no sense? /Fail.

Feeling bad because I still think of first film as "good" because OH MY GOD ACTUAL WALKING TRANSFORMERS!

I actually watched Transformer 2 not too long ago on The Movie Network... I was really bored and the movie actually made me rage several time... I kept watching in rapt fascination, the same way you can't look away from a car crash...

It wasn't so much how ugly the robots were, how Sam and the military took to much screen time, and so forth... those were annoying, but I can deal with it.

What bothered me was all the non-sensical stuff that happened in there, i.e:

- If the Decepticon can turn into human being that are so perfect that you still can't tell their robots when they are on top of you in a bed straddling you... well, humanity would be truly fucked. This opens up such a huge can of worm of possible conspiracy and make you wonder how stupid the Decepticon have to be to not use this further.

- Why is Devastator bothering to fight the Twins and the Sector 7 guy... they are providing a 'distraction'... but from what? Sam is gone and running away, Devastator's job is to destroy the pyramid and the Twins/Humans have no chance of really damaging him, so why does he waste time throwing stuff around instead of just walking away?

- While Sam is running to Prime, 13 or so Decepticon land and engage the Military and there 2-3 Transformer allies... but what exactly is happening in this 30 minutes scene? We see the military yell and shoot alot and we see some of them get shot back... but are we supposed to believe that a bunch of dude with weapon that are incapable of arming their target are 'holding them at a standstill'... why didn't the decepticon walk up to them and crush them? Why are they hiding behind 'chest high wall' as if this was some kind of Gear of War remake when their enemy's firepower isn't even capable of denting them... it's not like the 4-5 Autobots gathered there could prevent all 13 Decepticon from going through and kicking the soliders around...

- Why did the Decepticon bring Sam's parent to Egypt exactly?

- Why does the Fallen land on the planet 5 seconds after Prime is resurrected... so prime can kick his ass? Why did he wait so long to join the fight, his underlying were getting slaughtered by the US Army, but he himself destroyed the entire US forces assembled there with his 'gravitic wave' move... had he landed with the rest of this troop, there would have been no contest.

And that's just on top of my head.

I have to say, I really envy people who can 'shut their brain down' and enjoy movies with such poorly thought out plot... I just can't do it - the stupid just smacks me in the face too hard.

Michael Bay is selling explosions and "romance". And god help you if you try and get in his way. Because that's all he knows.

And that's wht sells the trailers and that's what gets the morons in eating popcorn troughs and coke lakes.

And NO...I'm not sying tht anyone who watches it is a moron, I'm just saying that morons watch it. Lots of them. Millions of the mouthbreathers.

Smokescreen:

Bay is Nimoy's nephew, if that helps.

He's what?

Seriously?

Oh god, can this get anymore fucked up?

I work at a movie store and, the sad, SAD true is that the vast majority of people are bumbling morons, thats whi they would told you that great movies like sucker puch, scott pilgrim and kick ass, sucked because they didnt "get" them (those two functioning neurons can only do so much) the same people who would tell you that amazing movies like Black Swan and True Grit, are "boring" (actual comments ive heard from such people) and the SAME people who would tell you Transformers and The Expendables are "great" because a lot of shit blow up (ACTUAL comments again) my soul dies a little every time i heard people talking like this, and you know the WORST part this is about 9 out of every ten customers we get, is hopeless, this is the reason Hollywood keep pushing this horrible drivel because it SELLS and they are in it for the money NOT the art (ask James Cameron if you dont believe me)

excuse my english im writing this from latinamerica im not a native english user

INF1NIT3 D00M:
[quote="Vegan_Doodler" post="6.297592.11801357"]hmmmmm

"This is a horrible plan. No part of it makes chronological sense, it involves 3 simultaneous and needlesly complicated plans to do things that have no real meaning."

Of course its needlessly complicated otherwise it wouldn't be (theoretically) fun, It's like saying inception would have been better if they had gone with the simple plan and just beaten and threatened the guy and then just sat on a plane in awkward silence for 2 hours. I don't understand what you mean by "no real meaning", so they could win the war, simple as.

"The screenwriters never put any thought into them, or into their interpretation of Megatron as a character."

True, I completely agree with this but, unintentional or not though (I at least think it's a good plan), and yeah I was pissed that Megatron spent three films being someone's bitch to varying degrease.

"Flawed plans are kind of a staple of movie villans"

Flawed plans are a staple of every story in every genre (except for Watchmen) otherwise how would the heroes win?

"The way they planned to execute phase 3 makes no sense and would have killed EVERYONE. You can't just bring a celestial body halfway across the galaxy into our solar system and pretend nothing's going to happen. With Cybertron being as big as it is, it would have collided with Earth within a few days, destroying all life on our planet (including their entire slave labor force). When the portal shut down, it cut off part of cybertron, meaning that even if they had succeeded at that point, all life on Earth would STILL be destroyed by that huge chunk colliding with Chicago. They could then return to their stupid 4/5 of a planet."

To be fair Transformers as a concept makes very little sense anyway (Why get to the point where you destroy your own planet, why have your final battle relay on a backwater planet, when transformers scan a vhiecal how do they produce glass plastic and leather) and I've seen other Sci-fi stories being called brilliant for more blatant screwing with the laws of physics than this

"And why did all this necessitate moving to Chicago? Why did they attack and start blowing things up? Every nation already signed over all their rights and submitted to Emperor Megatron. At that point they could have just stationed some occupying forces, no big deal. And why did Cybertron have to come to Earth anyways? Wouldn't it just be easier to send starscream to Cybertron with 4 or so of those cores, then teleport all the humans to Cybertron instantly? You could even send your troops back and forth faster."

This I completely agree with, it just doesn't make sense, also why did the Autobots concentrate there army of FIVE robots where the Deceptacons had an entire fleet of battle ships, I assume they could have still stopped the space bridge by destroying the others around the world, that where only guarded by two Deceptacons.

"Finally, one unrelated question: Am I the only one a little suprised that the Autobots don't care at all about any of the things they say they do? I mean, this IS Michael Bay we're discussing, but still. Nobody ever mourns an Autobot dying, even if they're a main character with a face and a name and perhaps even some screen time. Optimus doesn't care at all about any of his subordinates or their conditions. And finally, why did they not bat an eyelash when they completely destroy Cybertron? Sure it's a desolate wasteland, but it's still their old home. You can tell me "Earth is their new home" all you want, it doesn't change the fact that no planet ever fully replaces your old one. We humans have a massive boner for the Earth, no way would we watch it get destroyed the way Cybertron was without so much as a comment. They pretty much imploded it, scattering space debris all over their old system. No worries?"

I can answer this in two words, bad writers.

So... you aren't a liberal Bob? But an ostensibly conservative message in movies bothers you? Check again Bob, your lib is showing.

What the Fuck?

When did "Pro'Military" start to mean "Neo-con"? (Hint: it doesn't. stop being ignorant)

Hell, I love the military aspect of the movies. Replace Whitwickey's screen time and with Optimus Prime's, and having a movie about Special Forces and Giant Robots teaming up? Sound awesome!

Megatron's plan in this is directly from an old episode of the cartoon, where he brings Cybertron to Earth.

And Optimus kills everything in sight.

What is wrong with having a neo-con message? Ignoring all the shit in the rest of this movie, I am straining to get over that one point raised.

Just having a conservative message does not necessarily work to the detriment of the film. In a movie that borrows Pentagon equipment and features battling army and robots, the movie is not likely to be promoting a message of diplomacy or "appeasement" (conservative for "surrender"). In the context of the story, it also makes sense that warrior robots and jarheads aren't likely to be keen on the idea of cutting deals with an enemy. Especially an enemy called the DECEPTICONS.

Conervative messages are pretty much part of the package in any combat orientated movie. Even liberalist conspiracy thrillers like The Shooter will still have quintessentially conservative sentiments of "never give up, never surrender, do the right thing for justice".

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