You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Hook Itself Up to a Car Battery)

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Dastardly:
The only thing that helped was not answering the question. Deflecting questions back, but in a loving way. "Why do you ask?" or "Why do you feel that way?" got the ball rolling. No coincidence, it's the same thing her therapist ended up doing when she got help.

Well, therapists are expected to ask questions, but in my experience getting asked a 'why' question by someone else was always pretty bad. It always made me feel like anything I said needed to be justified, that I couldn't just be myself, that before saying anything or asking anything I had to prepare my justifications, etc. Really didn't help with self confidence.
But I guess it depends on the person.

Avistew:

Dastardly:
The only thing that helped was not answering the question. Deflecting questions back, but in a loving way. "Why do you ask?" or "Why do you feel that way?" got the ball rolling. No coincidence, it's the same thing her therapist ended up doing when she got help.

Well, therapists are expected to ask questions, but in my experience getting asked a 'why' question by someone else was always pretty bad. It always made me feel like anything I said needed to be justified, that I couldn't just be myself, that before saying anything or asking anything I had to prepare my justifications, etc. Really didn't help with self confidence.
But I guess it depends on the person.

Absolutely, it does depend on the person.

A lot has to do with why this person has a lack of self-confidence. For some, it's simply that they've never tried, and they've seen others fail... lo and behold, they aren't confident enough to try. This happens sometimes with people who've seen parents go through a messy divorce (in addition to many other side effects) -- these kids can lack the confidence to try long-term relationships, because they've seen people they perceived as better and smarter fail. Others lack confidence because they've been consistently shot down themselves.

The first sort, asking them for reasons for things (in a caring way, not an "Are you nuts?!" tone) sends the subtle message that maybe they have something to contribute. The second sort, it might just come across as another challenge to their self-sufficiency.

I'd be curious to know more about the girl in this case. I'd wager these abandonment issues and self-image problems come from the family history. Perhaps parents split. Perhaps parents just almost split, maybe a nasty fight surrounding infidelity. In either case, there are a lot of unintentional "lessons" a kid learns if it's not discussed fully as a family... and kids are already prone to internalizing this kinds of things.

Now, in this case, the reason I strongly feel like this kind of question would come from the type that needs questions is simply because she demonstrates (from what we're given) such little regard for her own opinion (if she even consciously knows her opinion). What she needs is to empower that opinion by first discovering it and then owning it. Nothing in this world gives power quite like knowing the answer to "why?"

I really don't get this column. You pick letters with contents that are out of the ordinary, i.e. what most people and readers can't relate to. Therefore I thought the reason was to make the advice portion funny and entertaining.

However all the letters were approached with a serious tone, or "real" advice. Thus rendering today's column mostly useless. It's not entertaining the readers and it's not giving the readers something they could use and put to practical applications.

The escapist magazine is a geek site, I say this with the utmost respect and pride for I am a geek, however my point is: most of your readers are guys and not just any guys, young guys. To put it bluntly for practical advise they want something that can get them laid.

To all other readers including the first group we want entertainment and or enlightenment. And this column at least for this particular article serve neither purpose. The letters were not weird enough to be enlightening and the advice wasn't funny enough to be entertaining.

I hope my criticism didn't came out as rude for that wasn't the purpose of my post. My only wish is to see this column grow and improve much like movie bob wants good movies and Yahtzee wants good games.

once again, wierd, out of place column

Call me narrow minded but I find reading an article on Skyrim combat system, then reading an article on the same site about people attaching car batteries to their balls for jollies a little jarring.

im just giving my opinion and i know im not forced to read these articles, just, seems wierd

Avistew:

Abedeus:
The second one is either a moron, hypocrite or troll.

Devout Christian... that is into SM? No, sorry, Christianity doesn't approve of self-mutilation or harming self. Either one or another.

You gotta be kidding me. Christianity is all about punishing yourself for stuff you've done or failed to do, renouncing things you like out of love for God and resisting doing things you want to do because you're told not to. How is any of that incompatible with S&M?

Self-mutilation is equal to the commandment telling you about not taking lives. It's not a mortal sin, but it's a light sin nonetheless. Just like smoking, excessive drinking and drugs - you are not killing yourself per se, but you are hastening your death by doing so.

That's how priests explain when they smoke - they know it's an addiction, but not only it's out of their control, so it's not a sin, they "want to be closer to God faster". He was joking of course, but it's still a sin if you are doing it willfully and you accepted it.

Christianity is about REPENTING, not punishing. It would be WAY too easy to do something wrong and then beat yourself up with a silly straw. Nowhere says anything about having self-strangulations.

You can do it. But you have to admit it's your weakness, and fight it. You can't say "oh, it's an addiction, but I'm okay with it so I'm an okay Christian too". Then you are not really Christian.

Macgyvercas:
Something tells me that jumper cables attached to a car battery could potentially be fatal.

You'd think so, but it's actually not. Car batteries only give off like 6 volts of electricity, not enough to do any damage, just give kind of a kinky tickle. However, there are corrosive liquids inside, so don't crack it open, or you could get a nasty rash.

One of the few things I learned in automotive class...

TitsMcGee1804:
once again, wierd, out of place column

Call me narrow minded but I find reading an article on Skyrim combat system, then reading an article on the same site about people attaching car batteries to their balls for jollies a little jarring.

im just giving my opinion and i know im not forced to read these articles, just, seems wierd

>Implying the kinky stuff didn't make the article more entertaining to read.

dudeman0001:

TitsMcGee1804:
once again, wierd, out of place column

Call me narrow minded but I find reading an article on Skyrim combat system, then reading an article on the same site about people attaching car batteries to their balls for jollies a little jarring.

im just giving my opinion and i know im not forced to read these articles, just, seems wierd

>Implying the kinky stuff didn't make the article more entertaining to read.

No, it didnt make it entertaining, made me slightly sick actually being a man and thinking about it

Im trying to say if i wanna read stuff like that Ill go buy one of those pathetic 'true stories' magazines that every woman seems to subscribe to these days. I dont come to the escapist to look at exploitative and smutty stories like this

I come to the escapist to get my monitor completely covered in flash adverts about EA games, and unskippable, unmutable commercials about whatever product America wants me to consume next, AMIRITE?!

On the flipside I really like the idea of giving advice to nerdy people on how to be more confident, I think its something the majority of gamers can relate to. Even the homosexual gamer issues intrigue me

Masochism, butt plugs, bondage....you are not relating to your audience escapist, rule No 1. of any kind of publications success (not that I claim to have any expertise, just my 2c)

"Who knows, the love of your life may not know yet that she likes hooking her nipples up to jumper cables."

I couldn't even read that with a straight face.

The S&M one reminded me of an old Chris Rock routine. "There's no such thing as a soul mate. You're not going to find someone who likes Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan. It's just not going to happen." Give up. Either go with the Christian angle or go with the fetish angle (I believe there are sites for both). You might just happen to find a Christian who likes S&M (or learns to like it) or you might find a dominatrix who likes Jesus. Not both at the same time, and even then, they're not necessarily going to fully accept both concepts. It's all about compromise and you need to figure out which angle you can make compromises with.

Dastardly:

Absolutely, it does depend on the person.

A lot has to do with why this person has a lack of self-confidence. For some, it's simply that they've never tried, and they've seen others fail... lo and behold, they aren't confident enough to try. This happens sometimes with people who've seen parents go through a messy divorce (in addition to many other side effects) -- these kids can lack the confidence to try long-term relationships, because they've seen people they perceived as better and smarter fail. Others lack confidence because they've been consistently shot down themselves.

The first sort, asking them for reasons for things (in a caring way, not an "Are you nuts?!" tone) sends the subtle message that maybe they have something to contribute. The second sort, it might just come across as another challenge to their self-sufficiency.

I'd be curious to know more about the girl in this case. I'd wager these abandonment issues and self-image problems come from the family history. Perhaps parents split. Perhaps parents just almost split, maybe a nasty fight surrounding infidelity. In either case, there are a lot of unintentional "lessons" a kid learns if it's not discussed fully as a family... and kids are already prone to internalizing this kinds of things.

Now, in this case, the reason I strongly feel like this kind of question would come from the type that needs questions is simply because she demonstrates (from what we're given) such little regard for her own opinion (if she even consciously knows her opinion). What she needs is to empower that opinion by first discovering it and then owning it. Nothing in this world gives power quite like knowing the answer to "why?"

The why is so incredibly important. If I ask my boyfriend whether or not I should lose weight or anything related to confidence, he always asks why I feel that way. At times, I have to admit, I feel like I'm trying to justify myself but I also appreciate him asking because it allows me to examine my motives and whether or not I'm doing this for myself or because its what I perceive other people to want. As someone who struggles with confidence and self-esteem, I know the best support for me has always been from those who encourage me to do healthy activities that will create confidence in me.

Abedeus:

Avistew:

Abedeus:
The second one is either a moron, hypocrite or troll.

Devout Christian... that is into SM? No, sorry, Christianity doesn't approve of self-mutilation or harming self. Either one or another.

You gotta be kidding me. Christianity is all about punishing yourself for stuff you've done or failed to do, renouncing things you like out of love for God and resisting doing things you want to do because you're told not to. How is any of that incompatible with S&M?

Self-mutilation is equal to the commandment telling you about not taking lives. It's not a mortal sin, but it's a light sin nonetheless. Just like smoking, excessive drinking and drugs - you are not killing yourself per se, but you are hastening your death by doing so.

That's how priests explain when they smoke - they know it's an addiction, but not only it's out of their control, so it's not a sin, they "want to be closer to God faster". He was joking of course, but it's still a sin if you are doing it willfully and you accepted it.

Christianity is about REPENTING, not punishing. It would be WAY too easy to do something wrong and then beat yourself up with a silly straw. Nowhere says anything about having self-strangulations.

You can do it. But you have to admit it's your weakness, and fight it. You can't say "oh, it's an addiction, but I'm okay with it so I'm an okay Christian too". Then you are not really Christian.

I should just come out, I guess, as the Gimp Mask Gamer.

I am not a moron, hypocrite, nor was I trolling (I'm not saying that I don't troll on occasion, but this was not one of them).

This unusual sexual fetish is not something I chose. I didn't wake up one day and say "Hey, I want to be sexually deviant, and BDSM seems like a happening scene!" I wasn't seduced by the sexy black leather, although I won't say that it isn't sexy. As I reached adulthood, I found that I enjoyed the thought of having a woman strap me to a rack and hook me to electric cables. I'm not Catholic, so I'm allowed to have occasional sexual thoughts and masturbate, and when I did, I found BDSM scenarios most effective and pleasurable. I didn't choose the fetish, it was forced upon me.

It's not something that will just go away, either. I've openly acknowledged this fetish for years, but I haven't had the opportunity to visit a professionally-run dungeon yet. I'm still a virgin, with very little experience overall. Before I accepted it, I denied it. With all my might. Every aspect. And I still have it.

On the other hand, I chose to be a Christian, and it's a choice I live by. I don't fetishize lasting harm, and I stick to all the Prodestant versions of God's Laws. I have done extensive research on all types of self harm, and I found even the anti-suicide arguments shoddily formed, relying heavily on liberal interpretation of the "thou shalt not murder" clause. Never have I seen anything in the Bible against the BDSM lifestyle, in Old or New Testament. None of the arguments I have heard have been at all convincing, least of all yours. The anti-gay arguments hold more water--at least there are actual Bible verses that apply there--and those are clearly debatable. Sadism is a little bit harder to justify--the Bible teaches that we should not harm our neighbors--but it's not harm if we're enjoying ourselves, is it? And if things get too dangerous, safewords are an integral part of the lifestyle, so it can be stopped, yes?

Crazy, I may be. But I will state, proudly and for the record, that there exists a Christian electrosex fetishist who is comfortable with every part of himself.

Although I guess I should start by focusing on one and eventually introducing my partner to the other. Thanks, Escapist, and thanks, Love FAQ.

uncanny474:

Although I guess I should start by focusing on one and eventually introducing my partner to the other. Thanks, Escapist, and thanks, Love FAQ.

Thanks for popping in, and thanks for your frank and thoughtful reply. If only everyone was as comfortable with their sexuality as you are! It's refreshing, seriously.

Don't feel you have to defend yourself to anybody. We're all a little kinky in some way or another, and haters gonna hate, and so on.

So best of luck in your search! Say, have you thought about scouting out your nearest AutoZone? :D

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