Don’t Take It Personally, Babe, It Just Ain’t Your Story

Don't Take It Personally, Babe, It Just Ain't Your Story

What to do before your crush heads off to Kuwait.

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I take issue with the idea that Sony and Microsoft fanboys can get along for a few minutes let alone a few HOURS.

Oh so our replies weren't enough? HUH?

I really enjoyed the article, thanks!

Glad to see she sometimes knows what shes talking about. Some of the advice has been terrible before, but this one seemed pretty fair this time.

Hafrael:
Oh so our replies weren't enough? HUH?

I really enjoyed the article, thanks!

Hey! apparently my friend hijacked my account, teach me to forget to log out at his house. Either way good advice that's what I told him to do as well. (also he says he sent his question to Love FAQ first then got bored and posted it there)

I didn't see the poll, honest! Guess the guy got tired of waiting for a reply.

Speaking of which, I should mention: I've got a HUGE backlog of questions to get through -- over a hundred, with more coming in every week. So wonderful, wonderful readers, please be patient if it takes me a while to get to yours. I can only do so many in one week!

The advice this time was pretty on the money. However there are still things I like to add.

First letter:

She is not the woman of your dreams, or at least not the ONLY woman of your dreams. I should know because I had one in university and thought I'll never get marry after we break up. But you'll be surprise how easily you can get over it if you just put yourself back in the game and in another woman's arms, even prostitutes will work.

And this happened to me during my university years, a mentally and emotionally mature stage comparatively speaking. You were in high school, you could easily mistaken infatuation for "woman of my dreams" or love. You can't really know if you love a person or not until after the sexual elements are over with and you both begins to rediscover each other's personality.

I pretty much agree on the part of just let her go. There's more than one fish in the sea, more than one tree in the forest. But if you're like me and bad at goodbyes, I suggest you get good at forgetting, cutting off all tides isn't a bad idea if everything about her reminds you of what you want but can't get. Don't be her friend, you got lots you don't need another.

Second letter:

Lara was right, just ask her out, just do it. The worst is she say no, no big deal. Whatever your faults don't judge yourself, let her be the judge. Just tell her what you want and how you feel and let her decide for herself.

If you do want to laid her, tell her in a romantic way. Remember it's not what we say but how we say it. Say somethings along the line : "you know these pass few days after I got to know you better I found myself growing fond of you and can't stop myself thinking of you. I would really like to get together sometime and explore a relationship between us that's beyond the platonic level" or just simply "I like you, let's go out" will suffice.

Remember there are billions of women in the world, you want her but you don't want to waste time, if she doesn't think of you this way it's better to find out now and move on quick. But just do it and find out.

Regrets for what you did can be tamper by time, it is regrets for what you did NOT do that is inconsolable.

Saelune:
Glad to see she sometimes knows what shes talking about. Some of the advice has been terrible before, but this one seemed pretty fair this time.

I agree, but this is not all her fault, she's just telling it from a woman's point of view. They need a co-writer for this article, perhaps a male.

Lara Crigger:
Love FAQ: Don't Take It Personally, Babe, It Just Ain't Your Story

What to do before your crush heads off to Kuwait.

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to The One Left Behind:

Whatever it is you decide to do, your number one concern should be getting your intentions and your expectations straight. This is harder to do than it sounds. Most of us, when we "tell someone how we feel," what we're really doing is "asking them to reciprocate." Not even just asking if they do, but expecting that, if we're just sincere and eloquent enough, they just will.

Doesn't work that way, though. You've had, what, four years (and then some) to get your feelings straight? To feel them, think about them, react to them... She hasn't. If you hit her with this, no matter how well you plead your case, it's going to be a blindside. And she's got enough on her mind.

Be her friend. While she's away from the physical, mental, and social comforts of home, she's going to need all the drama-free support she can get. If you spring this on her before you she goes, it's going to taint every bit of communication the two of you have while she's away. You'll constantly be hinting for an answer, while she is constantly hinting she's not ready to give one. (And trust me, you'll do this. Emotion's one job is to override reason, and while it often seems like a wildcard, it's incredibly predictable.)

As a result, she'd probably shy away from keeping in touch. That means less chance for you to demonstrate that care for her, and it means she has one less ally. Everyone loses. You can best show how much you care by caring, rather than by describing it (and thus obligating her to respond). Save it, for her sake.

to Sidekick:

Your other friends really aren't a part of this interaction. It's just you and this girl. That certainly makes matters a bit simpler, right?

Which is good, because here's where it gets complicated: Your question was "do I ask her out, or become friends first?" Why are these two so separate in your mind? If you're really just "asking her out," isn't it to get to know her better and spend time with her -- to become a friend?

Furthermore, if you decide not to ask her out, do you really think you'll be acting as just a "friend first?" Doubtful. You have a romantic interest, and whether or not she knows about it, it is informing your choices and actions. Be aware of that.

I'm not saying don't ask her out. In fact, I'm pretty much saying the opposite. You're kidding yourself if you think that not asking her out means any of your hang-out time is "just as friends." That means you've already got the question in your mind, and it's better to have it answered.

Ask her out. If she says no, in any form, you've got your answer. If she says yes, that's no reason not to still behave as friends would--just because you're not just friends doesn't mean friendship isn't a gigantic factor in this. Don't separate those two so sharply in your mind, or you'll trick yourself into some very messy situations.

So, while I'm advocating you "be careful," I'm not talking about her. Or the situation. Be careful about you. Be honest and aware of what you're looking for in this. And then proceed with cautious abandon.

Lara Crigger:
I didn't see the poll, honest! Guess the guy got tired of waiting for a reply.

Speaking of which, I should mention: I've got a HUGE backlog of questions to get through -- over a hundred, with more coming in every week. So wonderful, wonderful readers, please be patient if it takes me a while to get to yours. I can only do so many in one week!

I was just playing with the OP from that advice thread.

And, well, I can't wait to read all these forthcoming articles :D

This column keeps getting better and better each week. Keep it up Lara!

To the second guy:
Ask her out!!

I'm not going to comment on the article because everyone else has it covered.

What I am commenting on is the excellent reference in your title. Everyone should google Don't Take It Personally Babe It Just Ain't Your Story right now.

also, the video captchas are back? Really? For christs sake. Also, dead cat bounce? Who thinks up these captchas?

To the second questioner: Go for it! But, under pain of pain, do NOT have a messy breakup the day before the wedding. Because the Bride will kill you. Even if your heart is broken, you damn well better be happy in those bridal party/Groomsmen pictures. But go for it! You have the internet's support, what could possibly go wrong?

dogstile:
I'm not going to comment on the article because everyone else has it covered.

What I am commenting on is the excellent reference in your title. Everyone should google Don't Take It Personally Babe It Just Ain't Your Story right now.

also, the video captchas are back? Really? For christs sake. Also, dead cat bounce? Who thinks up these captchas?

I was really expecting a reference in the actual writing as well. Weird isn't it? Seriously guys, the name of this article is the exact name of a pretty neat interactive fiction game. It uses an anime aesthetic (one I"m not into but hey, whatever.) to tell a very non traditional and serious game story.

I really liked it. If you've got a few hours to spare play it.

http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2011/04/06/dont-take-it-personally-review/

For reference.

Hafrael:
Oh so our replies weren't enough? HUH?

I really enjoyed the article, thanks!

Seeing as (at present) 64.5% of people actually said "friends first", I'd say no, the replies weren't enough.

Apparently more people than not are scared enough of rejection that they'll try and build a so-called friendship just to bolster their chances. Of course it can be excused as getting to know the other person better or somesuch, but in my experience (casual empiricism alert), being friends doesn't fly after a rejection at least 90% of the time (and besides, being 'great' friends does not guarantee in any way that a more intimate relationship will work). So really you're doing the other person the disservice of building a relationship that's predicated almost entirely on the hope of something more.

Sentox6:

Hafrael:
Oh so our replies weren't enough? HUH?

I really enjoyed the article, thanks!

Seeing as (at present) 64.5% of people actually said "friends first", I'd say no, the replies weren't enough.

Apparently more people than not are scared enough of rejection that they'll try and build a so-called friendship just to bolster their chances. Of course it can be excused as getting to know the other person better or somesuch, but in my experience (casual empiricism alert), being friends doesn't fly after a rejection at least 90% of the time. So really you're doing the other person the disservice of building a relationship that's predicated on the hope of something more.

Reread the question in the thread.

It wasn't so much becoming friends, as getting to know her. Getting to know someone before dating them is always a good idea.

Hafrael:
Reread the question in the thread.

It wasn't so much becoming friends, as getting to know her. Getting to know someone before dating them is always a good idea.

I did read the question. He clearly stated they'd known each other for a while and had already been hanging out together. He obviously knows her enough to know that he likes her. Besides, asking someone out doesn't negate getting to know them; it's doing the very thing, but with the mutual acknowledgement of attraction, which is considerably better than suppressing your feelings.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but anyone who was advocating "friends first" in the context of that thread was giving outright bad advice.

dogstile:

What I am commenting on is the excellent reference in your title. Everyone should google Don't Take It Personally Babe It Just Ain't Your Story right now.

Also, you can download the game (one of my favorite indie titles in recent years!) directly at the author's site, http://www.scoutshonour.com/donttakeitpersonallybabeitjustaintyourstory/

Sentox6:

Hafrael:
Reread the question in the thread.

It wasn't so much becoming friends, as getting to know her. Getting to know someone before dating them is always a good idea.

I did read the question. He clearly stated they'd known each other for a while and had already been hanging out together. He obviously knows her enough to know that he likes her. Besides, asking someone out doesn't negate getting to know them; it's doing the very thing, but with the mutual acknowledgement of attraction, which is considerably better than suppressing your feelings.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but anyone who was advocating "friends first" in the context of that thread was giving outright bad advice.

It seems I needed to go back and read that thread. :)

I was thinking of something else >.>

BehattedWanderer:
To the second questioner: Go for it! But, under pain of pain, do NOT have a messy breakup the day before the wedding. Because the Bride will kill you. Even if your heart is broken, you damn well better be happy in those bridal party/Groomsmen pictures. But go for it! You have the internet's support, what could possibly go wrong?

Are you kidding me? I am terrified of the bride as is I am concerned enough with living that I do my best to avoid getting on her bad side on normal days. Oh and I am fairly certain that she (my friends fiance) already knows about my crush on her brides maid.

To number one: It's been four years. Dude, move on. I'm speaking from experience of the same thing. You're her friend. You're in the friend zone. She decided over an unhappy relationship rather than you. I had a chick get married, who I cared for deeply, and put up with four months of her complaining about getting married too soon and to 'the wrong guy'. You'll be that guy, just as I was. You'll listen to all her complaining, you'll get your hopes raised at those little comments about how you're "so sweet" and that she wishes all guys were like you, but in the end you'll just be a friend. No matter what.

Find someone new, dude. Even if, in your case, she decides to reciprocate, she's gone for years. And that's not fair for either of you.

I'm not sure if somebody already mentioned this, but I for one am a huge fan of the game Don't Take it Personally, Babe, it Just Ain't Your Story. It's an amazing freeware game that works on both PCs and Macs, and if you haven't played it, you need to. Like, right now. NOW. It also has a prequel, but I forgot the name of it and it's not too much like the sequel, but it's in the continuity.

Anyway, I love this column, and can't wait for the next one. I find it refreshing that there are still people out there who are willing to help others in their personal lives without expecting anything in return.

I don't follow this article, but the few ones that I've seen didn't impress me. It's important to stand by your friend when they're being deployed, obviously, but I wouldn't consider hiding something that important from her to be doing that. It's not like it has to ruin your friendship. I've told a couple of friends that i have feelings for them, including my closest friend who was in a relationship at the time. You know what: we're still good friends, because I made it clear that I put our friendship first, and that I just wanted her to know what I felt. I wouldn't let someone important be deployed, risking their life, without telling them exactly how I feel, that's wouldn't be fair to either of us.

Asthanius:
It also has a prequel, but I forgot the name of it and it's not too much like the sequel, but it's in the continuity.

You're thinking of "Digital: A Love Story", also awesome and also available for download on Ms. Love's website, at http://www.scoutshonour.com/digital/

Sentox6:

Hafrael:
Oh so our replies weren't enough? HUH?

I really enjoyed the article, thanks!

Seeing as (at present) 64.5% of people actually said "friends first", I'd say no, the replies weren't enough.

Apparently more people than not are scared enough of rejection that they'll try and build a so-called friendship just to bolster their chances. Of course it can be excused as getting to know the other person better or somesuch, but in my experience (casual empiricism alert), being friends doesn't fly after a rejection at least 90% of the time (and besides, being 'great' friends does not guarantee in any way that a more intimate relationship will work). So really you're doing the other person the disservice of building a relationship that's predicated almost entirely on the hope of something more.

This this this.

People, the whole friendship before making the move thing? doesn't work.

Attraction is not built on a friendships, and no amount of loyalty and trust and kind deeds is going to make her attracted. In fact, acting as her friend in the hopes of getting with her doens't make you a friend at all, it makes you a despicable, untrustworthy creep.

Be yourself, meet up with her, se if she's interested, if so, go for it. Only go for friendship if it's not happening or you're not willing to go for it.

Fact: Friendships are never, ever, ever to be used as a method of starting a relationship, and everyone who complains about the "friend zone" is just an idiot in dire need of some perspective and a pair of balls.

You her friend? then guess what? she'll see you as just that and go for literally everyone else. And she WILL complain to you about guys she likes being dicks to her. And you have no right to act as though this is in some way a bad thing for her to do. You're the one who agreed to enter the friendship, you're the one acting like her trusted, platonic-love confidante, you're the one who she obviously isn't attracted to, so stop acting like it's all her fault and either move on or accept the friendship for what it is, instead of pretending to be a friend of someone just in the hopes of getting what you want if you do her enough favours. Can you imagine how heartbroken a girl is gonna be if it turns out her trusted friend was just some other guy who wanted to be with her, and didn't admire or respect her (because if that WAS the case he would have been up front about it and not acted like she was in the wrong behind her back) but merely wanted her?

Guess what, guys: She isn't refusing to choose you because she's stubborn or blind. She just isn't attracted to you. She can't help that. Stop whining and appreciate the bond you forged. if you really respected her, you'd respect her right to make whatever decision she wants and stop acting like you're the best thing for her, making yourselves look just as arrogant as those supposed "dickheads" you don't like her dating. Just be the better man for a change, ok? FIRST establish the mutual attraction, THEN build the intimacy.

And if it looks like you have a decent chance, for fuck's sake speak up about it. Nothing wrong with getting to know a girl a bit before you go there, but don't let it slide away.

Cliff_m85:
To number one: It's been four years. Dude, move on. I'm speaking from experience of the same thing. You're her friend. You're in the friend zone. She decided over an unhappy relationship rather than you. I had a chick get married, who I cared for deeply, and put up with four months of her complaining about getting married too soon and to 'the wrong guy'. You'll be that guy, just as I was. You'll listen to all her complaining, you'll get your hopes raised at those little comments about how you're "so sweet" and that she wishes all guys were like you, but in the end you'll just be a friend. No matter what.

Find someone new, dude. Even if, in your case, she decides to reciprocate, she's gone for years. And that's not fair for either of you.

You word it as if the woman was doing something wrong. Did you honestly have a problem with that?

spartan231490:
I don't follow this article, but the few ones that I've seen didn't impress me. It's important to stand by your friend when they're being deployed, obviously, but I wouldn't consider hiding something that important from her to be doing that. It's not like it has to ruin your friendship. I've told a couple of friends that i have feelings for them, including my closest friend who was in a relationship at the time. You know what: we're still good friends, because I made it clear that I put our friendship first, and that I just wanted her to know what I felt. I wouldn't let someone important be deployed, risking their life, without telling them exactly how I feel, that's wouldn't be fair to either of us.

If this was a first time confession, that might be the correct assumption to make.

Except for the fact that the sender had stated he ALREADY had told her how he felt about her, four years ago. She did't reciprocate and instead chose to stay in her current (apparently unhappy) relationship at the time.

Confessing how he feels again, comes off as more of a "why don't you love me!?" reaction than something heartfelt. The woman is about to be deployed over seas, she needs friendship not someone guilt tripping her over her lack of feelings. At this point just sticking by her and being her friend is the better option.

Lissa-QUON:

spartan231490:
I don't follow this article, but the few ones that I've seen didn't impress me. It's important to stand by your friend when they're being deployed, obviously, but I wouldn't consider hiding something that important from her to be doing that. It's not like it has to ruin your friendship. I've told a couple of friends that i have feelings for them, including my closest friend who was in a relationship at the time. You know what: we're still good friends, because I made it clear that I put our friendship first, and that I just wanted her to know what I felt. I wouldn't let someone important be deployed, risking their life, without telling them exactly how I feel, that's wouldn't be fair to either of us.

If this was a first time confession, that might be the correct assumption to make.

Except for the fact that the sender had stated he ALREADY had told her how he felt about her, four years ago. She did't reciprocate and instead chose to stay in her current (apparently unhappy) relationship at the time.

Confessing how he feels again, comes off as more of a "why don't you love me!?" reaction than something heartfelt. The woman is about to be deployed over seas, she needs friendship not someone guilt tripping her over her lack of feelings. At this point just sticking by her and being her friend is the better option.

I don't think those two options are mutually exclusive. It's perfectly possible to be there for her as her friend and tell her that you have feelings for her. and The last confession was 4 years ago, a lot can change in 4 years, and I feel it's important to let her know that it hasn't.

 

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