How To Find the Right Player Two – and When Not To

How To Find the Right Player Two - and When Not To

It's not easy finding the right person for Co-Op Mode.

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You know. I really like these articles a lot. It really isn't the subject matter, but how you respond to it Ms. Crigger that makes me smile. They're well thought out, courteous in all respects, and very genuine with a taste of wisdom.

Thank you for the articles and please keep them coming. Escapist, please help support articles like this that makes your news site special.

This was an awesome read.

Good job.

The last response was sweet and to the point. Well said.
Also, I want to give Player 2 guy a hug. Everything will be okay again, man!

I also loved the response to the first lady; especially how and why it warms your cockles. I'd like to echo the advice to find queer groups; mine (Genderqueer Chicago) has been great for me in general, and there is certainly plenty of room for people of any gender identity to pair (or more) off... perhaps a bit too much room, I can't always keep up with the webs.

I would like to request that you use terms like 'trans woman' over 'MtF' and suchlike, in the future. In the end, 'MtF' just serves to highlight the 'M' at the expense of the 'F'... saying we're not "real" women.

P.S. TJ 2000?

Mym:

I would like to request that you use terms like 'trans woman' over 'MtF' and suchlike, in the future. In the end, 'MtF' just serves to highlight the 'M' at the expense of the 'F'... saying we're not "real" women.

P.S. TJ 2000?

Good to know. I've heard it both ways, seems it depends on the situation and the person.

Also: Go Colonials.

A kiss is the exchange of bodily fluids trough the mouth

so yah, its cheating XD

Lara Crigger:

Good to know. I've heard it both ways, seems it depends on the situation and the person.

Also: Go Colonials.

I haven't talked to anyone who prefers those acronyms, though some people don't care, or haven't thought about it. It does make more sense sometimes as an adjective, such as "MtF hormone replacement".

I thought your name looked familiar! We knew each other, but not well; given that I was experimenting at the time, I'm probably the first person from then that most people would expect to turn out trans... though there are a few more who I know about now.

Lara Crigger:
Love FAQ: How To Find the Right Player Two - and When Not To

It's not easy finding the right person for Co-Op Mode.

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To Not Ready for Player 2:

Take your time, and don't respond to pressure. There's no checklist or countdown for grieving, and there's no one who can tell you you're doing it wrong. You're truly grieving, you've undergone a major loss and a tremendous shift in your life. The kind of love that sparks a marriage is supposed to be the kind that burns forever, so why should they expect that it would die down after only two years?

At the same time, recognize that people aren't pressuring you maliciously. They're just doing it a bit... selfishly. Sometimes even the best of us are just a little bit awful. When we see others suffering, we can't help but empathize. And empathy is uncomfortable. It's possible that, on some level, your grief is inconvenient for folks close to you, so they're in a hurry to see it fly away. They don't mean it, and really can't help it, but it explains some of the urging you've been receiving.

Emotion is a part of us that is, for most purposes, beyond our control. We can control how we respond to it, but we can't just "quit feeling it." They can't help what makes them uncomfortable, just like you can't help feeling what you do. Over time, however, it's influence lets up a little.

That's not the same as saying you "stop feeling it." All of us who suffer loss have a sense that if we ever "stop feeling it," it's like we're saying it's "no big deal." In a way, we fear moving on (or at least feel guilty about it). The feeling doesn't "fade," it just finds its correct place in your life--you assimilate it into you, hopefully without letting it define you, and this frees you up to begin feeling other things again. Just like you're not replacing the feeling, dating isn't about replacing your wife. It's not an act of disloyalty or selfishness. It'll be awkward enough without also tacking on misplaced guilt.

Though, as mentioned, maybe for awhile you won't be able to help feeling that. And that's okay. Feeling it isn't the same as believing it. Time will help it pass, especially if that time is filled with positive experiences. When it comes to the dating thing, maybe consider trying double dates first. A few more people in the mix can keep conversation live while relieving some of the pressure, and that can reduce the sometimes overwhelming presence of what may feel to you like the "elephant in the room."

Thank you for the lovely link to GayGamer. That site deserves more credit than it gets...

Anyhow, great advice on all fronts. I have to say I feel bad for Not Ready for Player 2. Losing a loved one is hard but having other people put a timer on your own grief is even harder.

My fiancée can exchange all the bodily fluids she wants to with whomever she wants to, HentMas, and it won't be cheating until she refuses to be honest with me about it.

To each their own, is what I say, and what I didn't see in your statement there.

I'm an FtM and use the term all the time. Some people don't like FtM/MtF. Some don't like transwoman or transman. Some don't like trans woman or trans man. The T community is full of people who are in really, really different spaces, with really different naming politics. While I think it is very possible to get the naming wrong...I'm not actually sure it is possible to get the naming right. Sadly.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say I loved all your advice to today LoveFAQ...giving with such compassion!

Honestly, these articles have become one of the main (if not THE main) reason I come to this website these days :)
Always well thought out and respectable, which, in my lowly opinion, is kind of a rarity.
Bravo Lara! Can't wait to read the next ones!

Man, I have enough trouble finding dating partners, I can't imagine how tough it would be as a bi-sexual girl midway into a transexual transition. Words escape me.

HentMas:
A kiss is the exchange of bodily fluids trough the mouth

so yah, its cheating XD

Does that mean your definition is "exchange of bodily fluids"? (Although there probably is more to it, I know very few people who think kissing is cheating but would be fine with masturbating in the same room, for instane, which involves no touching each other whatsoever and no exchange in bodily fluids).

One big problem with cheating is that many people have their own idea of what does and does not constitute it, and think it's obvious. Yet their partner will often have a different idea, and also think it's obvious. People are fine with various things, and someone might think you cheated for flirting, someone else will think you cheating for falling in love and not acting up on it, someone will think you cheated for having sex without feelings... And for each of these things there will also be people who don't think they're cheating at all.

That's why you really need to talk about it with your partner. Because assuming things is terrible. I've pretty much be surprised by every partner's idea of what was and wasn't cheating. I've been with a guy who didn't think exchanging naked pictures (even sexual ones) was cheating, but who thoughts hugs were. Right now my fiancé is like me in that he's fine with pretty much everything provided he's involved every step of the way. He would no doubt be hurt by anything, as little as it was, if it happened behind his back and he was told after the fact, but he'd help me pursue a guy happily.

Your definition of what is or isn't cheating to you is not wrong. It's the way you feel. But everyone needs to realise others cannot read their minds, and feelings about cheating are not universal. What you are and are not comfortable with isn't something other people can know unless you tell them, and if you don't tell them, you have only yourself to blame when they cross a boundary they didn't know existed.

Mygaffer:
Man, I have enough trouble finding dating partners, I can't imagine how tough it would be as a bi-sexual girl midway into a transexual transition. Words escape me.

Yeah, I could dump a bunch of stats on you about that, but one pretty much sums it up. We (Transwomen) have the 2nd hardest time out of any demographic to find a meaningful relationship, we're only beat by the extremely disabled.

Transwomen are also 4~ times more likely to be the victims of violent crimes, 40~ times more likely to be homeless, and 400~ times more likely to be the victim of sexual assault in comparison to ciswomen (That's women born women) That's the 4/40/400 stat... which really speaks volumes about the whole mess.

People are often uneducated, scared, and just hateful towards us as a community. The odd time we will meet someone supposedly understanding of our situation, they're more often then not "tranny-chasers" and/or "tranny-hawks" Even within the trans community, there are people who fetishize transwomen so much that they actually undergo the procedures to feminize themselves. (Think of like amputee fetishists, who have perfectly good limbs removed for their fetish) These people are not actually transsexuals per se, and often end up being very confused, violent, and abusive. It's very difficult for any transsexual to get into a healthy relationship, even more so for transwomen.

And to all the other transpeople (Or anyone having trouble with love) I've seen on the Escapist, I wish you luck

Very well said, Avistew. Much better than my own post above.

Speaking of not reading minds, though . . .
Lara Crigger, I sent an email in to the designated address over two weeks ago, and the only reply I received was an automated "No one is in the office at the moment." If my question was lost in some e-shuffle, then I would like to ask a shorthand version of it here:

What advice can you offer to encourage a partner to actually talk honestly about the relationship?

VileTerror:

Lara Crigger, I sent an email in to the designated address over two weeks ago, and the only reply I received was an automated "No one is in the office at the moment." If my question was lost in some e-shuffle, then I would like to ask a shorthand version of it here:

Please be patient with me. There's more than one hundred backlogged submissions in the queue, and more every week. I'll try to get to yours as soon as I can in the weeks and months to come.

AH! Goodness.
Considering the relatively small number of posts in these linked threads, I had underestimated the popularity of your articles. Sorry about that.
It may be advisable to post a similar disclaimer as a forward in next week's article.

I wanted to add something to my last post. I said:

Avistew:
and if you don't tell them, you have only yourself to blame when they cross a boundary they didn't know existed.

I wanted to add that if you want to do something and aren't sure if your partner would consider it cheating, and don't ask so you can claim you didn't know, I would consider it cheating even if they would have been fine with it, because you went behind their back on purpose.
You can't expect someone to know your boundaries and shouldn't be upset if they break them unknowingly, but the other side of the coin is that you should really ask your partner what's okay as soon as there is any doubt.
Really, I think it's probably a conversation that should happen in any relationship, so that you can know if you're on the same page, and you can know which rules to follow in your relationship. And you can be sure that if one is broken, the person knew they were breaking a rule because it had been established.

And it can prevent lies, too. I mean, if you say "hey, honey, I don't have a problem with you watching porn" (apparently some people do?) they won't feel like they have to go behind your back as much and they might even share when they find something you'd like.

 

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