All Your Base Are Belong to Mom

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All Your Base Are Belong to Mom

Want to get laid? Get away from Mom.

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Now it might just be me, but I have my doubts about a cockroach infested hole filled with loud obnoxious room mates boosting the mood of "Not in the mood". Going on vacation together every once in a while is a splendid idea however. Or heck, a weekend resort, whichever works.

Pedro The Hutt:
Now it might just be me, but I have my doubts about a cockroach infested hole filled with loud obnoxious room mates boosting the mood of "Not in the mood". Going on vacation together every once in a while is a splendid idea however. Or heck, a weekend resort, whichever works.

I think the point Ms Crigger was aiming for was that its past time to move out, and that your first place is most likely gonna be a shithole, but you'll end up not caring as you'll gain independance.

The friend zone is tricky. As Lara mentioned, it's not really worth dealing with and if it's upsetting you to any great degree, you might be developing a case of oneitis, in which case you're better off moving on and meeting someone new. Paradoxically, I think it's possible for shy guys to actually like the friend zone; it provides a kind of comfort wherein we imagine we're making progress, but in actuality we're just staying with what's safe and easy. Makes it too easy to blame outside circumstances, which keeps us from looking internally and starting our improvement there.

That's probably the number one problem of the friend zone. Most of the time the guy doesn't man up to ask the girl out!

AbstractStream:
That's probably the number one problem of the friend zone. Most of the time the guy doesn't man up to ask the girl out!

Hear hear! It certainly takes balls to get out of the friend zone. I've had a lot of male friends of mine, who whilst I wasn't interested in them, were very interested in me, but wouldn't do anything about it.

The guy who did, and whom I was interested in, well, we're in a healthy, loving year long relationship, and we're all the better for the fact he had confidence. It's very attractive in a man.

The trick about the friend zone is: don't get in it in the first place!

You see a girl you like, might like or potentially could like...just hit on her. Tell her she's beautiful, make flirty jokes, just flirt. Make your intention clear i.e. you want to bed her!

Why the hell would you want to be a friend to someone you wanna bed? it's like watching the cooking channel, you can look but can't eat. Not to mention the pain it brings when you see her going out with someone else.

Remember, unless the girl look like a cow always treat them as a potential gf and hit on them from the start. There's absolutely no downside, if you realize you don't like them later, "let's just be friends" feels much better coming from you than her.

Lara Crigger:
Want to get laid? Get away from Mom.

Ironic considering men commonly seek out women with qualities similar to their mothers.

Relationship advice-articles on a nerd-related website normally make me cringe (especially when written by a woman), but Lara, yours are great! Even if you couldn't care less about person X's problems, they are an awesome read.

And with all the pop/geek culture references, you sure know how to write for your target audience. :)

If two college age kids can't figure out how to screw one another, then give it up now because all hope is lost. Seriously, from the initial letter, I'm thinking there is a compatability issue.

TitanAura:

Lara Crigger:
Want to get laid? Get away from Mom.

Ironic considering men commonly seek out women with qualities similar to their mothers.

Yeah that's what I thought the article was going to be about which is the reason I read it.

Until you move out of Mom and Dad's house, you are still a child. This is irrespective of whatever age you are. You don't become an adult until you learn to deal with adult responsibilities, and you can't do that living in your childhood home with Mom cooking dinner for you and Dad paying the household bills.

And, to put it bluntly, children (of any age) shouldn't be having sex. That's just the way it is. You want to have sex? Become an adult. Sex is an adult activity. You want to be an adult? Move out.

Simple as that.

"Yes, moving out means you'll likely have to live in a cockroach-infested shithole with curious stains on the bathroom floors. And you'll probably need to cram one too many roommates into said shithole just to make rent. You'll subsist on mac and cheese and coffee grinds, and the only time you'll get a good meal is when you nip home to Mom's for Sunday roast.

But you know what? You'll be able to fuck your girlfriend whenever you like. And frankly, that's worth it."

Wow. I don't agree with that at all.

Andrew Eisen

Lara Crigger:
Love FAQ: All Your Base Are Belong to Mom

Want to get laid? Get away from Mom.

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Not in the Mood:

Sometimes sex "without the feelings" is awesome. But here's the catch: it's usually only that awesome when it's with someone you have those feelings for. Think of it like skydiving--it's only "awesome" because you know there's a parachute, training, and supervision. If you were just falling, it'd be too terrifying for you to enjoy.

Same here. When you're in a committed relationship, that means you are free to engage in that no-holds-barred, no-strings-or-subtext, "meaningless" sex... but the both of you know you're with someone you can trust (your parachute), so you're free to enjoy it without fear of consequences. Basically, don't immediately knock the idea of "just plain fuckin'."

That said, decide your priorities. There's no doubt there are a lot of benefits to living on your own. Of course, it might just not be time for that for you. Only you know for sure. Are you making good use of the convenience home offers you, so that you can dedicate your time toward finding the right job with your hard-earned degree? ... or are you sticking close to home base because you're at the precipice and afraid to make the jump?

If you decide it's time, make the jump. Moving out is more "scary" than it is "hard," and fear only grows the longer you wait. Shop around for apartments or rooms-for-rent. Snag a job and see what your monthly budget is. Don't forget to buy the little things we take for granted before striking out on our own (like salt or toilet paper, etc.).

Above all, for now, the focus is your needs. That's where your brain needs to be right now, and your girlfriend should be focused on hers. You're no good to each other at all if you don't have your own ducks in a row. Don't let sex be a stress-er. Let it be a break from your rapidly-growing responsibilities, rather than being a chore of its own in any regard.

But, y'know, still be responsible about it. The last thing you need right now is a kid.

Apostate:

Always leave yourself room to be wrong. It could happen. Depending on your gender (unclear from the article), it could be that he just seems like a douche around you because he's threatened by your established relationship with his fiancée.

But, assuming you're right... consider that saying something is not going to convince her of anything except that you need to go. If this relationship is really headed where you imagine, you won't convince her to leave. But if you can be quietly supportive now, she won't shove you away, and you'll be there when she really needs you--in the aftermath.

Friend Zone:

Friends are good. Girl/boyfriends are good. But if you try to turn one into the other, you'll ruin both. And that's not good. If you've got a friend, enjoy that fact. There are plenty of other people in the world to fill the other roles in your life.

Dastardly:
Depending on your gender (unclear from the article)

I'm just going to head everyone off at the pass right here and confirm now that this letter (according to details I left out) was written by a woman.

Want to get laid? Get away from Mom.

Exactly, you dont wanna get laid anywhere near your mom.

Lara Crigger:

Dastardly:
Depending on your gender (unclear from the article)

I'm just going to head everyone off at the pass right here and confirm now that this letter (according to details I left out) was written by a woman.

Right on -- sorry about that. Of course, it doesn't specifically preclude a guy feeling threatened. A close friend can represent this whole other area of your life to which he isn't connected, and some folks are threatened by mystery (particularly in the part of your brain that will inevitably cast doubts before a major decision like marriage).

Please note, though, that an explanation like this in no way means he isn't being a douchebag. It might just mean he's a different kind of douchebag.

RonHiler:
Until you move out of Mom and Dad's house, you are still a child. This is irrespective of whatever age you are. You don't become an adult until you learn to deal with adult responsibilities, and you can't do that living in your childhood home with Mom cooking dinner for you and Dad paying the household bills.

And, to put it bluntly, children (of any age) shouldn't be having sex. That's just the way it is. You want to have sex? Become an adult. Sex is an adult activity. You want to be an adult? Move out.

Simple as that.

That's the most illogical post i've seen all week.

By your logic right there a 50yr old man could be living with his 75yr old mother and be "Labeled" a child which makes no sense on the matter.

A child is a child until teenage years and from teenage years comes adult years the whole independence crap doesn't always make you an adult, what about a brain dead or severely crippled person that may have no choice but to live with their elders? would you still call them a child and a baby then because they didn't man up enough to magically fix what was wrong with their body?.

Also who said they were children they are in college and your old enough to have sex when you go to college it's as simple as that.

OT: I do agree with the moving out idea since taking a vacation would seem nice it would just be a short break away from the parents and would no doubt reset the strain cycle all over again so moving out would seem the best possible solution to get at least some form of privacy.

Shadow-Phoenix:

By your logic right there a 50yr old man could be living with his 75yr old mother and be "Labeled" a child which makes no sense on the matter.

Is the 50 year old still being looked after by his 75 year old mum, and has he never lived away from her? Then yes, he is a child no matter his age. The key is that an adult (mostly) takes care of himself. In the situation you describe, I would expect the man to be looking after his old mum rather than being taken care of himself.

Lara Crigger:
Love FAQ: All Your Base Are Belong to Mom

Want to get laid? Get away from Mom.

Read Full Article

Normally I love your column, but i can't tell you how disappointing it is to see you propagate the malicious "friend zone" myth.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but chances are that if you're not interested in a friend after months of knowing them, you wouldn't be interested in them after months of dating, either. If you don't like him that way as a friend, what you think you'd've liked him as a complete stranger?

I also have to say that it's pretty goddamn hurtful of you to suggest that i lack balls, just because i want to get to know a girl before asking them out (or before they ask me out). i couldn't imagine maintaining a long-term relationship with someone i couldn't be friends with, so what's the damn point?

oh right, casual sex. i forgot what the goal was here. maybe you're right, maybe i should be hitting on every attractive girl i meet, just to make sure she doesn't "friendzone" me. Maybe i'll miss out on some meaningful, lifelong friendships that way, but hey, at least i'll be getting laid! that's the important thing, right?

I went out with a friend once. It didn't work out, but we're still friends and i've never regretted it for a second.

lithium.jelly:

Shadow-Phoenix:

By your logic right there a 50yr old man could be living with his 75yr old mother and be "Labeled" a child which makes no sense on the matter.

Is the 50 year old still being looked after by his 75 year old mum, and has he never lived away from her? Then yes, he is a child no matter his age. The key is that an adult (mostly) takes care of himself. In the situation you describe, I would expect the man to be looking after his old mum rather than being taken care of himself.

I still don't see calling someone who's older than a child a child even if they lived with their elder.

Having sex at the family's home isn't that hard. You should just do these four things:

1) Tell your family members that when your girlfriend/boyfriend comes home you wish to be left alone.
2) Learn to exhale slower during sex so people won't hear you moaning.
3) Lock the door.
4) Make sure you really locked the door.

No need to rush moving out. Enjoy what you have and move out when you're financially able and willing.

TitanAura:

Lara Crigger:
Want to get laid? Get away from Mom.

Ironic considering men commonly seek out women with qualities similar to their mothers.

Which is funny, because when you look, you'll see that a lot of mental disorders (of varying degrees) are caused by mothers. Fathers also cause them, but there's something about moms that can destroy sanity.

For Instance: Ed Gien. He had a very dominant and hard mother who forced her views upon her children. Ed later went on to turn bodies into different pieces of furniture, like a skull bowl, a lampshade and wastebasket made of skin and a belt made of nipples to name a few of his morbid, disgusting creations.

Here's an article on this very principle: http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/serial_killers/notorious/tick/3b.html

Don't get me wrong, abusive dads also make serial killers, but I think mother's are more prone to causing it. It's not any kind of fact, just an observation I've had ...

Ah, the friend zone. It takes a push, it certainly does. But, if you want to leave, you must know--you will lose the friend. You might gain the boy/girlfriend, which is quite like a friend, but is more inclined to get annoyed by small things that you do, which might be overlooked by a normal friend. The best case scenario is that you are as you were, with the addition of new ways to touch each other. The downside scenario is that you get out of the friendzone, then become distant from each other because you lost the avenue of real discussion with each other, being unable to talk about each other to each other, as you might have discussed your dates before.

And, obviously, one of the worst case scenarios is that you ask her out, she thinks it's a wonderful idea, subsequently gets hit by a meteorite right before you get the kiss, but immediately after she says she's always felt the same about you, but didn't have the ladyballs to say anything. Because that would suck something terrible.

Some of this advice is questionable. >:{

I already made an emormous post on The Friend Zone ages ago, so I'll just repeat what I said here.

"I am so sick of this constant bitching about "the friend zone" as if the woman is doing something wrong.

She isn't. If she doesn't want to be with you, then she doesn't want to be with you. And banging on about how this is supposedly "unfair" because you're "the only person who treats her right" isn't going to solve anything and is completely counterproductive to a relationship. If it's not gonna happen, it's not gonna happen. Don't sit around acting as though guys are just buffet items for the girl to choose from.

It's not a choice between dickheads and great guys. If a girl isn't attracted to you then get over it and appreciate the friendship you've developed with them. If you're sitting around being nice to a girl at your own inconvenience in the hopes that she'll get with you even though she doesn't seem interested, and you maintain that it's unfair that she picked someone else, then you obviously don't understand attraction (much less the woman you supposedly like) and need to do some serious growing up before getting into a relationship.

This is not a case of winning someone over, people. It's a case of putting yourself out there and being whoever you want to be, as long as you're respectful of others. And if a girl likes that, then good for you! don't sit around trying to be someone for this girl only to get pissed off when she *shock horror* decides she doesn't want to be with you, as unsurprising as that outcome is. Ever think that doing everything to please her will never, ever work? I'm not saying you should be mean - by all means, be respectful and polite and kind! but don't make a concious effort to be whoever you think she needs the most in the hopes of getting her, because that's an ass-backwards way of looking at it that also has the unfortunate side-effect of making you look completely spineless.
The reason she's more likely to go for a complete jerk is because the jerk at least seems confident. She'll learn the hard way sooner or later (assuming he really IS a jerk) about what a dick the guy is if he isn't treating her well. Why not just try to be the better man, instead of whining about how it isn't going your way?

TL:DR, If you were right for this girl then you wouldn't be acting as though you're just trying to bait a particularly stubborn fish by tending to it's every need. If she's worth the huge amounts of time you spent on her, then she must be worth your respect. So give it to her, instead of treating her like some kind of commodity that you're attempting to "win".

If she says no, don't stop being friends with her, but put your foot down when she wants to complain about other guys. Your time and feelings are valuable too.

They certianly are, but you can't blame her if she hasn't got a fucking clue that she's hurting them and wasting it, can you? after all, you've been acting as her friend for a while, so what right do you have to act as though you've suffered? you can blame her all you want, but you got here as a result of your own actions. If you'd stood on your own two feet earlier, then you might not have won her but you'd at least have gotten away with your dignity, and maybe a bit more respect and interest from her.

YOU were the one who chose to piss away so much time on someone who might never want to be with you, it was YOU who continued this despite feeling as though it was heading nowhere, and it's YOUR fault if that blows up in your face. So man up and deal with it. What are you going to say? "Hey, I know we're good friends and all, and I'm going to prove that I respect you and care about you by telling you to shut up whenever you want to talk about your guy problems, just because I arrogantly think that I'm the best thing for you, and I don't believe you know right from wrong, you know, cos I really like you, and I choose to show it by not actually being honest about it". Are you really going to label her decision to keep things friendly between the two of you as "wrong and misguided" simply because you believe yourself to be the best possible option? She put her trust in you as a friend and you backed it up by being so nice and friendly with her, it's PERFECTLY reasonable for her to want to talk to you about guys.
It's not like you were ever betrayed, if you don't want to make your feelings clear early on and see where it goes, or continue to be her friend despite rejection, then you have no right to complain when she wants to do something as reasonable as talk to you about guys. Be glad you're the go-to guy for her, despite the fact that you enjoy complaining about her making the "wrong" decisions, simply because she didn't pick you. If thatreally was the case, then she must just be foolish, right? so she's not worth your time. Problem solved - assuming that IS why she never "chose" you, and let's be frank, that is by far and large the least likely reason.

She isn't "lucky" to have a guy like you. She's unlucky because the guy who is trying to be the most attentive to who she is is also, unfortunately, exhibiting traits of the kind of person that very, very few women want to be with. Can you imagine if a girl was constantly trying to be whoever she thought you needed most, basing herself around your desires rather than being headstrong and independent? can you imagine how unbearably DULL someone like that would seem to you? Protip: People don't want to be with people who are obsessive and resort to utter subservience just to satisfy that obsession. BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS CREEPY.
She made herself clear already, so why are you acting as thought she's been leading you on? You haven't been wronged just because you chose to put far more faith than would normally be advisable in an unlikely outcome with someone who you know isn't attracted to you. Stop acting as though her desire to be with other guys is some kind of unfair result. It might not be what you want, but people are complex and you're going to have to deal with these situations. I'm not a master on this kind of thing by any means, but it doesn't take a genius to see that this approach is not only completely inneffective when it comes to getting her attention, but will only ever prove self-destructive.
Maybe it's just me, but I think eventually you'll learn that you're only going to throw your life away if you adopt this attitude towards every potential girlfriend. It involves putting a lot of time and effort into doing something that never works, and is essentially selfish. She didn't demand that you spend that time on her, she didn't ask you to be who she wanted as best you could with the promise of being together at the end of it as long as you fit the type as best you could.
You did it all because you thought it would get you what you wanted, and when it didn't, you started whining about it - even going so far as to make derogatory statements about the girl who you apparently admire, and who put her trust in you as a friend, just because she didn't "choose" you... as if who you're attracted to is some kind of concious decision that she's stubbornly holding back on.

And in the end, how "respectful" can you possibly claim to be? I'm pretty sure that if anyone found something like this and discovered that it was written by a close friend of theirs, they'd be pretty upset, and would feel betrayed. And I don't think that would be an unrasonable stance for her to take if the girl you're talking about were to read this. I'd love to see you try to justify the things you're saying if she were ever to read them.
If you think so highly of her, why are you writing stuff like this behind her back? All the time you spend waiting on her, yet you obviously don't hold her in high enough esteem to respect her decisions or to deal with how you feel about them like a mature person. It becomes fairly clear that you don't respect her or admire her - you just want her. Your gestures are not only ineffective for reasons which should be clear, but they're hollow. You're lying. You're acting like her friend, like the perfect guy for her just to get her. Clearly you're not the perfect guy for her at all.
The perfect guy for her doesn't go around saying shit behind her back just because he's a little pissy that his blatant pandering didn't get him what he wanted. That's the sort of pathetic behavior that is on a par with the kind of jerks who would use her and dump her. How much better than them can you claim to be, when all you do is act nice to her just to get her to do what you want her to? that's manipulative and cruel, especially when you're lucky enough to have her put her trust in you.

TL:DR (lol, again) stop blaming the woman for your own fuck ups like a petulant child, and stop claiming you are the best guy for her when you're providing evidence to the contrary with every complaint you make about her refusal to give you what you want."

Sorry to the guy who wrote in, I don't intend to attribute some of the more despicable aspects of the straw man I was attacking to you, I'm just repeating what I said to someone else who was complaining about The Friend Zone while also saying that it's all the girl's fault and complaining about her choices. Sorry for the wall of text, everyone.

My parents used to let me have boyfriends stay overnight in my room once I turned 18, so I never wanted for somewhere private to have a shag, but I've got to say moving out, earning a living and being independent is the best thing you can do in your life. Anyone who says otherwise is still living with their mum and doesn't know what they're talking about.

Advice to anyone who reads this segment: Don't. Don't even bother reading it in the future. Don't take any of this "advice." It sucks.

Here's a thought.
You're a grown-ass adult? Your girlfriend is a grown-ass adult? Maybe your parents should face up to the fact that grown-ass adults have sex.

Really, not a big deal. Have sex at home. Turn on the TV or something. So long as you're not being obnoxiously loud, what the hell kind of problem could they have with it? Jesus, grow a pair, have the girl stay over. Your mom probably thinks it's weird she HASN'T heard you plowin' her yet.

IT'S JUST SEX. Unless you're living in a one-roomer with your parents -- so long as you have a door on your bedroom that shuts -- privacy is not a concern.

Move out? Kind of drastic but fair. No need to rush on it though. There are these handy places where you can rent a single room for a night, and it doesn't cost that much. They're everywhere too... I think they're called hotels?

As for the 'friend zone', that is a pure fabrication popularised by a sitcom that has since buried itself in mediocrity. Like the writer says, man up, and risk everything. If you lose it, well, hard work and alcohol numb most feelings until they get easier to bear.

Don't mix the two though... no one likes the guy who brings his laptop to the pub.

warmonkey:
Here's a thought.
You're a grown-ass adult? Your girlfriend is a grown-ass adult? Maybe your parents should face up to the fact that grown-ass adults have sex.

Really, not a big deal. Have sex at home. Turn on the TV or something. So long as you're not being obnoxiously loud, what the hell kind of problem could they have with it? Jesus, grow a pair, have the girl stay over. Your mom probably thinks it's weird she HASN'T heard you plowin' her yet.

IT'S JUST SEX. Unless you're living in a one-roomer with your parents -- so long as you have a door on your bedroom that shuts -- privacy is not a concern.

Good point. Chances are your parents had sex all the time while you were growing up, no reason you shouldn't be able to return the favor now.

Moving out may be decent advice too bad it only answers the question perhaps superficially. It is obvious that there might be a deeper issue about whether the person is compatible with his/her girlfriend with when and how to go about having sex. The letter asking for advice doesn't even mention mom or mother once! The person maybe living with their grandparents, his dad or some other guardian. Why the automatic saying move away from mom? It almost seems sexist somehow. Maybe just move away from the guardian or parent which still doesn't deal with the issue of partners wanting to go at a different pace when it comes to sex when other matters especially when living on one's own may make it so there may even be less time to get laid!

This is why female advice to men when it comes to dating can be so misleading.

Lara's advice is understandable: the only 'nice' weapon, the only peaceful weapon in a girl/woman's arsenal to keep horny men off her back (that she isn't interested in) is "let's just be friends". Most girls/women have at least a few awkward/bad experiences with guys that didn't get that they didn't stand a chance. But these guys kept trying.

So to protect herself and other girls/women from that situation, she gives the advice that it's as improbable as a rhino scenario.

But whether it's possible or not really depends on one thing. Does the girl think you're hot or not. Whether she'd choose to, depends on the situation. Whether you should choose to try, that's up to you.

The point is... if you have to ask whether it's possible, you likely don't have the skills yet to make it possible. And it's best to practice on girls that aren't friends yet to develop your skills. Because there's no saving and loading in real life, so don't risk losing longer friendships unless it's a risk with a good chance of success.

Lara Crigger:
Love FAQ: All Your Base Are Belong to Mom

Want to get laid? Get away from Mom.

Read Full Article

You really, Really, REALLY need to stop naming these things in steriotypical manners.

From the very start of your column I've felt it was aimed at the steriotype of a gamer. The "basement dwelling nerd with no social skills" and your titles are not helping me to look past that initial bias.

Your content is decent and advice is good enough, but seriously. If you want to last here you need to be more welcoming to us, not triggering latent memories of what we were teased for in our youth.

You know what makes this column so good? It actually has opinions and takes bloody sides. Why does every sex ed person have to be so "well sex MIGHT be bad for you... it might not be. Well cheating MIGHT be bad, who knows? Abortion? Well you COULD say it's just part of your body, but on the other hand, it is kind of murder-ish."

The whole concept of the 'Friend Zone' has always puzzled me, like it's impossible to simultaneously love someone and be friends with them. Maybe it's because I grew up in a house where my mother and father weren't just in love with each other, but were also friends. From everything I've been able to gather, the Friend Zone doesn't actually exist - chances are good that anyone who's gotten friendzoned by a woman never had a chance with her in the first place, one way or the other.

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