When a Woman Loves a Woman, Itís Really Not About Your Penis

"You aren't somehow better or more mature as a person if you can stomach a conversation with someone whose thighs were once wrapped around your head."

Amen.

I feel a bit sorry for that "Dumped for FemShep" fellow. It sounds like he was used by someone who was probably a sociopath on some level, who did not realize how their actions affect others.

Gee... I wonder if I know both of the people involved in that...

*smirks*

YCTTSFM,
stop trying so hard. Not disagreeing on things is not necessarily a sign of a healthy relationship, and little disagreements becoming a focal point of a relationship definitely is not. You sound young and you sound frustrated, finding one thing to latch on to. If it's important to you that you watch other shows as a couple, then break up with her. She's made it clear that she is not interested in those shows and you need to know that you will not change her mind. You can't "fix" people, as you should know if you're a fan of Firefly.

If that thought of, two years from now, watching the same episode of Voyager for the 100th time isn't something you can put up with, end it for both your sakes. There are better matches out there for you and there are guy obsessed with Voyager for her and then everyone is happy.

I'd just like to say that part of the appeal for me about these columns is discovering all the creative pseudonyms people come up with. It's delightfully entertaining in a somewhat childish way.[

Yureina:
I feel a bit sorry for that "Dumped for FemShep" fellow. It sounds like he was used by someone who was probably a sociopath on some level, who did not realize how their actions affect others.

Gee... I wonder if I know both of the people involved in that...

*smirks*

Oh, you sly, sly fox.

I double post for pseudonyms.

Gralian:
I'd just like to say that part of the appeal for me about these columns is discovering all the creative pseudonyms people come up with. It's delightfully entertaining in a somewhat childish way.

Thanks! Although on occasion someone writes in with a particularly awesome pseudonym, usually I just come up with them myself. It's my favorite part of writing the column. :)

Gralian:
I'd just like to say that part of the appeal for me about these columns is discovering all the creative pseudonyms people come up with. It's delightfully entertaining in a somewhat childish way.[

Yureina:
I feel a bit sorry for that "Dumped for FemShep" fellow. It sounds like he was used by someone who was probably a sociopath on some level, who did not realize how their actions affect others.

Gee... I wonder if I know both of the people involved in that...

*smirks*

Oh, you sly, sly fox.

What? Did I say something that piques your curiosity? :o

Yureina:

What? Did I say something that piques your curiosity? :o

Mm. Just a bit.

You sound like a woman scorned... or someone being facetious who speaks from experience. Either way, i'm intrigued, to say the least.

*Twirls his fake moustache like a villain*

Gralian:

Yureina:

What? Did I say something that piques your curiosity? :o

Mm. Just a bit.

You sound like a woman scorned... or someone being facetious who speaks from experience. Either way, i'm intrigued, to say the least.

*Twirls his fake moustache like a villain*

Perhaps a bit of both. Either way, i'm just having a bit of fun inspired by what I read in this article. :P

As for the article itself, twas a good read as usual, even if it always is sorta depressing to learn about the troubles of others. :s

"In the meantime, both of you can and probably should see other people - you just got to college, after all. So go out. Meet more girls. And don't put all your eggs in one basket until you're positive the chicken only wants to lay for you - and that you like the taste of eggs in the first place."

Really liked that advice :)

Dumped for FemShep, go listen to the song Pink Triangle by Weezer. I think it'll make you feel better.

"But don't assume *any* of that makes you her boyfriend. You two aren't in an exclusive relationship until you explicitly have a conversation establishing that you are. You're not in high school anymore, and among adults, one date doesn't a couple make."

that rings so true right now, Lara you always give the most spot on advice, I love your column!!

bojac6:

If that thought of, two years from now, watching the same episode of Voyager for the 100th time isn't something you can put up with, end it for both your sakes. There are better matches out there for you and there are guy obsessed with Voyager for her and then everyone is happy.

I'd be willing to bet that this guy follows what I've discovered is very often Standard Guy Procedure for figuring out what to watch or do with the GF: he asks her, first, "what do you want to watch?", then when she picks something he doesn't particularly want to watch, he volunteers a few options that she's said no to before, then when she rejects them AGAIN, he goes into a sullen pout and lets her do whatever she wants while he resents her for it.

The idea of this kind of exploratory questioning is not to be the "winner" and get to do what YOU want to do. It's to reach a consensus solution that everybody can be happy with even if it wasn't their first choice. So you have to not give up and withdraw from the conversation after the first exchange. Not every disagreement is an incipient argument.

Secondly, it is perfectly okay to sometimes (sometimes meaning "up to 50% of the time, or even more depending on how tolerant your partner is" it does not mean "once in a blue friggin moon") insist on having your turn at choosing. But you don't get to do this if you open every discussion with "what do YOU want to do?" because the subtext of asking the other person what THEY want is that YOU want to do what THEY want to do WHATEVER IT IS. If you then proceed to follow up their selection with whining that contradicts your initial offer of letting them pick, you are being a jerk. Worse, you have *set them up to be wrong* by essentially demanding that they read your mind and pick something YOU want when you were theoretically asking them what THEY wanted. Bad form.

Can't think of other ways to approach the issue? Here's some freebie statements to get you started off:

"Hey, my favorite episode of X is on TV in a few minutes. Want to snuggle and watch it together?"
"I'm kind of tired of watching these re-runs. Let's look through the listings and see what else is on?"
"I would like to have a turn deciding what we watch on TV."

In my experience, nine times out of ten when a guy is willing to actually express a desire to do something specific, the gal will go along with it. As long as it doesn't involve her doing any work, anyway--my housemate has a tendency of suggesting that "we" do things that mean "I'm going to sit here at my computer while YOU go to the store, shop, come home, unload, cook, and do the dishes--and I'll eat it." I don't take kindly to suggestions of this kind when I'm already tired and hungry.

Like to know how a guy gets used for sex and then complains about it after a month of dating. Oh cry me a river of I don't care and get over it. You had sex and your doing better than alot of guys out there at the moment. I had a girl one time tell me at the bars that she was using me for my dick. Even though I should feel used I don't, in the words of Kramer, giddyup.

Shark Wrangler:
Like to know how a guy gets used for sex and then complains about it after a month of dating. Oh cry me a river of I don't care and get over it. You had sex and your doing better than alot of guys out there at the moment. I had a girl one time tell me at the bars that she was using me for my dick. Even though I should feel used I don't, in the words of Kramer, giddyup.

Thumbs up for the Seinfeld reference.

I love this column. Lara always gives such good, entertaining advice. She should team up with BonsaiK and nobody would ever be lonely or in a bad relationship again.

My captcha was in Russian. I don't speak Russian, you big silly.

Always classy, Lara. Gotta love it. Oh, and doubting? Just go for it. If she says wait, then ask her on a date in a week. She'll know your intentions, and you'll end up getting closer anyway. Go for it. A week is plenty of time to know if you want to ask someone out--you're not committing to living together for life, you're merely saying you'd like to see how things would work out between you. Good luck!

Yureina:
I feel a bit sorry for that "Dumped for FemShep" fellow. It sounds like he was used by someone who was probably a sociopath on some level, who did not realize how their actions affect others.

Sociopathy is defined as "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood" so certainly one couldn't draw any conclusions from this description alone. Sometimes a confused person is just a confused person with too much emotional turmoil to consider the feelings of someone else.

You CAN Take The Sky From Me has a real non-issue though. Say what you want. If she doesn't agree go do something else. Problem solved. Also, this has to be the funniest sentence I've read all week:

I'm nervous about making a big issue out of this, because she might just consider it to be not that much of an issue, then ignore it.

...wut? Ignoring the somewhat bemusing way this reads, most people are worried about making a "big issue" out of disagreements because they might create a rift in the relationship, while this guy is worried that he'll just be ignored. Apparently it's better not to say anything at all than to be ignored. I suppose the latter does spell out the nature of the relationship in a harsher manner, though.

To the college topic, just have fun. I had plenty of fun during my first year of uni and then nearing the end of the year after numerous one night stands and many chances to start something with various different types of girls i got a girlfriend and well, thats when the fun stopped. I'm not saying that having a girlfriend is a bad thing, just don't go for one that has the sex drive of a nympho just out of prison but the personality of a moss covered rock. I would say save the relationship for your second year after you have truly appreciated the fruits your campus has to offer.

Last response (about the college guy) is very true. Relationships in college are very different from high school ones, although I can understand where you're coming from since you *just* started. The transition shouldn't be difficult though.
The world just opens up, that's all. I say ask her out.

"A few months ago I dated this bisexual girl..."

"We can't decide at all what to watch when it comes to TV, so she just chooses what she wants to watch and I have to suffer through it."

"I just started college this year, and in the first few days I met this really cool girl"

One guy got upset over a girl that doesn't even like guys, another got upset over TV SHOWS!, yet another got obsessed over ONE girl..IN COLLEGE! COLLEGE! where we have more girls than all you can eat dinner.

"perspective people, perspective" -movie bob

For example, if she likes space-dramas featuring strong women in leadership roles, then what about Battlestar Galactica or Farscape? And if you like snarky, ensemble humor with a dash of absurdity, try Better Off Ted or Chuck.

Did Netflix write this article?

Lara Crigger:
Love FAQ: When a Woman Loves a Woman, It's Really Not About Your Penis

A man can only take so much Voyager.

Read Full Article

OT This is not as much about the posts from others as your tagline at the end of the article. As a middle school counselor I though I'd mention that it is not the 1980s anymore and we don't say "guidance counselor." Officially we are professional school counselors or just school counselor. Just thought I'd let you know that the term is outdated and in many ways insulting to the work that we now do.

Otherwise your advice column is rather entertaining, so keep up the good work (disclaimer appreciated).

It's a good and funny point that a dominant girlfriend likes to watch Voyager, which features a female captain... Yeah, food for thought definitely.

Wow. Really? If only I had these problems. we got one guy that was used by a girl. So what? Big deal. Men have been using women forever, move on, or better yet convince her to make it mutual and voluntary and use each other when either of you feel the need.

The other guy, Geez. Just ask her out for coffee or something don't be writing letters to some advice column. I bet by the time you got a response someone else hooked up with her.

And the guy with the GF that likes Voyager. Dude, if it's that big a deal give me her number and I'll go watch Voyager with her while your alone watching Firefly.

Lara Crigger:
- snip -

Interesting cross-section of letters this time around, but I'd like to point out a strong similarity between them all: being honest with yourself.

Dumped: Be honest with yourself -- can you truly be "friends" with her after all of that? Or are you really just acting out of habit... or perhaps a sense that you just need a little more time to prove her wrong... or just sort of waiting for a chance to try again... or, and really think on this one, are you sticking around secretly hoping for a spur-of-the-moment, accidental threesome?

Your "secret self" (or subconscious, if you prefer) is putting an abnormal amount of weight on this situation, which means it clearly has some value outside the obvious. Find out what that is. Step outside yourself, and look at yourself the way you would if you were scrutinizing another guy pulling the same stuff with your "love interest." You'll be surprised at what you find in there.

Sky: Be honest with yourself -- this whole thing is a big deal to you. Not necessarily the TV thing. That's what the problem is around, but that's not what it's about. To you, it represents another problem: unilateral decision making.

When someone is relaxing and enjoying leisure time, they're most often actually naturally. They are themselves. You're a bit worried because, when she's not trying to be polite or "girlfriendy," she excludes your vote from the decision making process.

Now, is that what's happening? Can't be sure. You feel it might, so this is clearly a bigger deal to you than you want it to be. But I mean, how serious are you two? It might be that, at your "relationship level," she doesn't want to spend time on disagreements. So, when you can't seem to decide, she just goes and does her thing rather than dwelling on it. Might not be the healthiest way to handle it, but it's not exactly crazy.

Above all, if you decide to approach her about this, be sure you know exactly what you're approaching her about. The TV thing. Confine the discussion only to that. Don't discuss concepts or metaphors within the relationship. Don't start turning this into the grand arena. Instead, keep the discussion on-topic, and let that show you how she is (and how you are) at handling this kind of thing. Learn first, talk later. But be honest with yourself about how big a deal it is, and what the real deal is.

Doubting: Be honest with yourself -- you're leading with your feelings, and it's causing you to develop bizarre motives. You think that you're trying to find the best way to show this girl you're interested in a relationship... but really, you're using what TV, movies, and the internet have taught you about "friend zone," etc., to trick her into liking you.

It sounds harsh, I know. But when you think you're just trying to "put your best foot forward," you're really playing a game of "trying to figure out what she thinks the 'best foot' is, and put that forward whether it's natural or not." It doesn't make you evil. It makes you any old guy, and we all do it. We're competitive problem solvers by nature, and it's easy (at times) to forget that the "problem" we're trying to solve, or the "prize" we're trying to win is a completely separate person.

Do what you want to do. If it doesn't work, you're not compatible with her. Don't waste your time trying to become compatible, or trying to make her compatible. College is a unique experience in your life. I'm not talking about that old "best years" bullshit, though. I mean that at no other point in your life are you going to be surrounded by this many people in your age group, from so many different cultures and backgrounds and personalities, and yet with so much potentially in common. Statistically, your chances will never be better to find someone compatible with you. You farm the hell out of that opportunity.

Don't play "the game." Be you, and do so until (possibly) you find someone else being themselves who happens to mesh with that. Then give it a shot. If it doesn't work, no biggie. Try it again the next time. At all times, you focus on being you (and honestly learning what that means).

Right now, you're not doing "honesty." You're playing a game. Don't do yourself (or her) that disservice.

I find it next to impossible to believe that any of these questions are asked frequently.

That being said I've been in a very similar situation to Dumped
It went a little something like this.

her: I think I might be Bi.
me: You think?
her: I've been with guys in three ways but never alone.
me: o_0
her: Will you...
me: Yes.
=Later that day=
her: That was awful... Thanks anyway.
me: glad I could help....

And we're still friends to this very day.

I think the main difference is that she was honest up front about that being a "test run" for want of a better term. I get feeling angry about being lied to, but "I'm not in to your gender" is a pretty valid reason to dump someone in my book. you shouldn't feel bad.

 

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