Keep Your Coat On and Your Wallet Closed

Keep Your Coat On and Your Wallet Closed

You don't need to spend an arm and a leg to get to know someone.

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Lara Crigger:
Love FAQ: Keep Your Coat On and Your Wallet Closed

You don't need to spend an arm and a leg to get to know someone.

Read Full Article

You can tell "mating season" is coming to a close -- the questions are getting a little tamer.

Gil:

You just got fired. Things are up in the air. It might not be the best time to add someone else, with their own things to do, to the mix. And I mean "not the best" for either of you.

Needing support from friends/family is one thing. But it feels like maybe dating is seen as a much-needed distraction for you... and that wouldn't be fair to the other person, really. Hang out with friends. Plug into a social group with some kind of hobby. Find support in ways that aren't quite as "attaching" as dating, until you've got your anchor a bit more set (or at least know where the wind is blowing you).

Donna:

You don't have to "gay up" or anything, but learning to "read the signs" will help you know when it's time to fill the gals in on the situation. And learning to read those signs will help you in all of your endeavors -- even with guys.

But as an aside, consider this: You say that you have trouble seeing "the signs" until it's basically too late... so it's almost like you wish these girls would make "the signs" a little clearer, so it wouldn't happen that way, right? That's probably exactly the situation they are in here. They're having trouble seeing the signs, too.

ISO Isabela:

Don't do it. Not worth it. Fuck-buddy relationships are usually only found through more than a little trial-and-error. Unfortunately, usually only one person suffers from the "error," and it's usually not the person seeking the fuck-buddy. If you pursue this, you're going to hurt some people. And, if the situation is right (or wrong), you can hurt yourself... or at least your reputation.

Fuck-buddying is a whole lot like threesomes -- everyone thinks they sound awesome, but few people have ever had to realize the emotional (and logistical) issues that plague them. And while it's possible to overcome those and make it work, it doesn't go the same way that it does in the "movies," and for most people it ends up not even nearly worth the hassle.

Now is the time to cultivate the other aspects of your approach to dating. Sex will come with intimacy and trust. And learning to build intimacy and trust does not require that you practice with potential mates (or fuck-buddies). If you work on cultivating that, I think you'll find the sex takes care of itself.

And for now? Yeah -- take care of the sex yourself. It's better for you, fairer for your future partner, and just a whole hell of a lot easier.

I think mine finally went through, I hope it gets answered. Wonder why it didn't go through the first time.

You know, I've been reading your column for a while now and almost every time it rubs me the wrong way. Sometimes just seems like you just use this to insult or make an example out of the person who asks you questions. Especially if the question is posed by a male.

Maybe it's just a result have much of a colossal clusterfuck human dating is. But that's my impression.

@Doctor-Donna-Friend
I have nothing more productive to add than the given advice but I want to share a story.

I'm gay and I know I'm gay but I also assume other people know I'm gay, which causes some confusion.
At the gym I go to there is a Zumba class that I used to attend on a weekly basis. One day the instructor was sick and we got a short-notice replacement instructor who didn't know the first thing about Zumba and decided to do what she does best, ballet dancing moves to loud techno and trans remixes of 80's classics. Blah.

It was a catastrophe and half the class left during the first 15 minutes, the rest dispersed the second it was over as if someone threw a smoke grenade into the room.

It wasn't the instructor's fault that she is a different kind of dance instructor. She came as a replacement and did the best she could, we were just expecting a different kind of workout. So, feeling bad for her, I went to talk to her and try and give some positive feedback to somewhat balance the overall frowning of everyone else in the class.

We talked a bit about the workout, which parts were harder and easier and at some point she put her hand on my chest and told me "its all about working this. So... when do I get to see you again?" with an expressions that can only be defined as :3

I was stunned. I tried to be nice and now there is a women groping my chest. What. The. Fuck. However when I told it to a friend her reply was quite insightful:
"You went and talked to a women dressed in tights standing all alone in dark room? You were hitting on her." I would call BS on that but she has some sort of a point, the instructor picked up on something I wasn't aware I'm transmitting.

Basically, even if you are not playing the hetro-dating game you should be somewhat aware of the rules, otherwise you'll find yourself breaking hearts or worse, getting groped by women you have zero interest in but apparently hitting on. Sigh.

I'm finding the response to Doctor-Donna-Friend truly bizarre because I would bet money that if the writer was straight the question would have been something along the lines of, "I'm always giving my jacket to girls, but none of them will go out with me. Why do nice guys finish last?"

Women in my experience don't get the hots for a guy because he was nice. They either already have the hots for him or they don't. So telling Doctor-Donna-Friend he's sending mixed signals isn't really going to help his situation. He's not sending mixed signals. The girls around him are responding with wishful thinking.

My advice would be to just stop worrying about letting the girls down easy. They need to learn that no means no, and that just because a guy is nice to them doesn't mean there is anything else going on there. Lord knows if I went around presuming a romance was blooming with every woman who did me a little favor (like say, sharing an umbrella with me), as a straight guy I would not be entitled to being let down easy. There is no need to be unnecessarily rude of course, but if "I'm gay" isn't enough for the girl, the problem is hers and she needs a teachable moment to learn better.

EverythingIncredible:
You know, I've been reading your column for a while now and almost every time it rubs me the wrong way. Sometimes just seems like you just use this to insult or make an example out of the person who asks you questions. Especially if the question is posed by a male.

Maybe it's just a result have much of a colossal clusterfuck human dating is. But that's my impression.

I can't see that anywhere... you got any more specific examples?

Heh... Listening to Donna's story just proves that women are just as bad at finding good men, as men are to women.

I've never had to worry about relationships myself. In fact, I never had any sort of interest from the opposite sex, (or my own sex for that matter! XD), in the whole 20 years of my existence.

In the sense of attraction, I am literally invisible to women! XD

Mr.K.:

EverythingIncredible:
You know, I've been reading your column for a while now and almost every time it rubs me the wrong way. Sometimes just seems like you just use this to insult or make an example out of the person who asks you questions. Especially if the question is posed by a male.

Maybe it's just a result have much of a colossal clusterfuck human dating is. But that's my impression.

I can't see that anywhere... you got any more specific examples?

I guess it's just me then.

EverythingIncredible:

Mr.K.:

EverythingIncredible:
You know, I've been reading your column for a while now and almost every time it rubs me the wrong way. Sometimes just seems like you just use this to insult or make an example out of the person who asks you questions. Especially if the question is posed by a male.

Maybe it's just a result have much of a colossal clusterfuck human dating is. But that's my impression.

I can't see that anywhere... you got any more specific examples?

I guess it's just me then.

No, I disagree with most of this advice as well. Especially since at no point in "Out of Gil's" e-mail does it mention the persons gender, yet she instantly assumes it's a male. A straight male at that.

Atheist.:

No, I disagree with most of this advice as well. Especially since at no point in "Out of Gil's" e-mail does it mention the persons gender, yet she instantly assumes it's a male. A straight male at that.

Where no gender is given sometimes assumptions are the easiest way to go. It will cause less offense to a gay to be assumed as a straight male, yet most straight males would be highly offended if you assumed they were gay. The same goes for females.
Besides, the advice given was gender neutral. The thing about English is the only alternative to a pronoun with a specific gender is the awkward sounding 'he/she' or the itemizing sounding 'it'. From what I learned 'them' and 'they' is not correct at a journalistic level as the two are plurals.

Out of Gil,

Lara is right, you don't really need money to go on dates. My boyfriend in highschool was broke, yet we always had a blast on dates. It's about connecting with the person. Bike rides at the park were pretty awesome.

Dastardly:

Fuck-buddying is a whole lot like threesomes -- everyone thinks they sound awesome, but few people have ever had to realize the emotional (and logistical) issues that plague them. And while it's possible to overcome those and make it work, it doesn't go the same way that it does in the "movies," and for most people it ends up not even nearly worth the hassle.

Not to mention what happens when you find someone you DO want to commit to--and you find yourself in a position where you have to get RID of the person who is used to depending on you for casual sex.

At best, you can keep your eyes open for females in your local circle who *might* be open to that sort of thing, and pay attention if you hear things like "man, I'm sick of this dating business, I just want to get laid" and so forth.

AbstractStream:
Out of Gil,

Lara is right, you don't really need money to go on dates. My boyfriend in highschool was broke, yet we always had a blast on dates. It's about connecting with the person. Bike rides at the park were pretty awesome.

I would add that you DO need money if you plan on moving out of the dating phase, though. Unless you're planning on being a leech, that is. So make sure you do your job hunting while you're date-hunting.

im not normally one to leave a comment on the love-faq but...

Doctor-Donna
what the hell kind of world are you living in?
i too, am the nice guy who would do pretty much anything for someone else, even at my own expense, without thought of reward for myself, I'm just that kind of guy... but I'm not gay...(not that there's a problem with that), and i have never managed to attract any sort of romantic attention, from anyone...

granted, i don't really go out anymore, nor do i really have any friends, but experience from earlier in my life has pretty much taught me that the nice guy doesn't get the girl...

their attraction to you has to have something to do with you sending out the wrong signals, rather then you just being a nice guy

you might try telling women right off, that your gay, instead of just hoping they discover it themselves
also, send them my way, i could use some romantic attention XD

Donna:

Really? I have the exact opposite reaction. I'm a straight male, I don't have any of the expected social stereo types of being gay, but I'm a nice guy. If I'm not planning to be drunk I offer friends home rides from the bar. I'd rather be the one wet and cold on the rainy night than one of my friends etc... But all I get is gay individuals who almost offer themselves up to me. But to answer your question is probably the same way I answer mine. "Yes I'm flattered, if I'm showing you the wrong signals I appologize, but I'm not gay/straight/(insert orientation here)." Its blunt but both very effective and your not turning them down because of who they are, but because of your own personal tastes. But what ever you do, Don't change your personality because of what others percieve.

Also do you want to trade lives or something? You grab the guys and I'll grab the girls?

Isabela:

Don't do the fuck buddy thing. I've seen it countless times before and it never turns out well. One person will get attached. Or one person will find somone new and wish to start a relationship. Or risk of STD/STIs. Or fuck buddy now also becomes social buddy and parttakes in the social circle leading towards them potentially sleeping with some of your close friends as well. Its easy to fall into, but the chances of it ending well are slim especially the longer it lasts.

If you really want to work off the tension, there is always porn, the gym, the run, or a cold shower.

I can bet that it's not the fact that Doctor-Donna is a nice guy, but rather all of the other things that goes along with being a non-closeted gay guy. For instance, I worked with this completely adorable and obviously gay guy a few months ago. He talked about his boyfriend all the time, and even had the stereotypical lisp/feminine voice to the point where people mistook him for a woman on the phone. And though he was so very obviously gay, even I had a little crush on him. He had so many more similar interests with me than straight guys (cooking, movies, he even listened to my knitting talk with interest even though he doesn't knit), he actually got engaged in conversations about even the most insignificant things, and he even *gasp* showed genuine emotion constantly! What was not to love about him? I had to make sure I didn't subconsciously hit on him, I swear.

And yeah, I'm laying on the "straight guy" stereotype a little thick here, but it wouldn't be a stereotype if it wasn't founded in truth. The fact of the matter is, girls get along with gay guys a lot better than they do with straight guys, and it's really no wonder that they will eventually start to feel something for them. And unless the gay guy they're interacting with has the lisp and the attitude, chances are they might try to hit on him in the hopes that he's bi and not just gay.

Atheist.:

EverythingIncredible:

Mr.K.:

I can't see that anywhere... you got any more specific examples?

I guess it's just me then.

No, I disagree with most of this advice as well. Especially since at no point in "Out of Gil's" e-mail does it mention the persons gender, yet she instantly assumes it's a male. A straight male at that.

I disagree almost 90% of the time. Most of the time the advice is just naive like it was coming from a college girl who never really been in a deep relationship. Other times it was just plain wrong or bad advice. Yet there are times I just found it not entertaining enough or informative enough.

Take out of gil section for example, the dude is broke..... BROKE! Any sane person would advice them to get a job before thinking about other things. But no, she actually attempts to give dating advice with his financial situation. That is just plain wrong.

You only got one chance to make a first impression, are you sure you want that to be about unemployment and broke? That's like a bird trying to dance to it's mate while it's wings is broken and covered in mud.

Then there is the gay dude part. If you're straight, doesn't matter male or female. Would you think twice about letting someone that're gay down if they're into you? A simple "I'm straight/gay" would suffice. I'm also not buying the story. Women aren't really interested in nice guys.

Lastly, the dude that wants sex. Just save up and go to a prostitute, or look online. Did you know there was a girl in HK who wanted to EAT someone and post the request online.....and it actually got ANSWERED by a dude that willing to be eaten. And she actually end up eating him, yes, the dude is dead and was in her belly.

Moral of the story: the world is big and the net makes our world smaller, if a cannibal can find someone willing to be eaten online. There are no excuse for someone only looking for a fuck buddy and can't find one. Until you come to a page that said "this is the end of the net, please go back" you haven't search hard enough.

Hell, I myself found countless fuck buddies in my time, from blondes, virgins to whorish one night stands....and I've done it all online alone. I'm also only 5'11 and very thin and not a looker. There's absolutely no excuse.

telling a college kid to masturbate. I lol'd

Gil:

I don't know if they have these where you live but in Minnesota we have a donation zoo and conservatory (the conservatory is awesome in the winter), cheap/free art museum, history museum, and lots of historic tours. If you or your date like history it could be fun to tour an old mansion together. Volunteering together is another fun way to spend time, save money and an added bonus of feeling good. And last but not least, get a frozen pizza, mountain dew, and play a co-op game.

daftalchemist:
I can bet that it's not the fact that Doctor-Donna is a nice guy, but rather all of the other things that goes along with being a non-closeted gay guy. For instance, I worked with this completely adorable and obviously gay guy a few months ago. He talked about his boyfriend all the time, and even had the stereotypical lisp/feminine voice to the point where people mistook him for a woman on the phone. And though he was so very obviously gay, even I had a little crush on him. He had so many more similar interests with me than straight guys (cooking, movies, he even listened to my knitting talk with interest even though he doesn't knit), he actually got engaged in conversations about even the most insignificant things, and he even *gasp* showed genuine emotion constantly! What was not to love about him? I had to make sure I didn't subconsciously hit on him, I swear.

And yeah, I'm laying on the "straight guy" stereotype a little thick here, but it wouldn't be a stereotype if it wasn't founded in truth. The fact of the matter is, girls get along with gay guys a lot better than they do with straight guys, and it's really no wonder that they will eventually start to feel something for them. And unless the gay guy they're interacting with has the lisp and the attitude, chances are they might try to hit on him in the hopes that he's bi and not just gay.

This is a really good point, one that I wish Lara had touched on. And I think it's crucial to keep it in mind because it gets at what is at the heart of gender roles. Like it or not, in our culture assigns roles to people based on gender. Yeah, the edges of those roles are a lot fuzzier than they were before and it's seen as a lot less threatening to the public at large to cross those edges. But they're still there. So even if we don't fit our gender roles exactly (for example, I enjoy cooking) we still carry the gender baggage our culture gives us. But more importantly, we must learn to deal with the baggage the gender we are attracted to carries.

When I see young, straight women hitting on men they know are gay (or worse, trying to "convert" them through seduction), I wonder if they're not trying to avoid dealing with the baggage that comes with being a straight man they might date. The baggage that comes with being a gay man is a little closer to their own baggage (though of course, in some ways it is very different), so it's less threatening. But we all have to learn how to deal with the opposite gender, so running away from the baggage isn't helping anyone. I say this because I know growing up I was strongly attracted to more than a couple lesbians (without realizing they were lesbian at the time, of course) and my first girlfriend turned out to be bi/lez (she has changed her mind several times since we broke up). I think part of what attracted me to them is that was not that they were masculine per se, but rather that they didn't act in a traditional feminine role. It was easier to get my mind around who they were. But of course, no sexual relationship can work when one partner is not attracted to your sex, so these kinds of relationships are ultimately destructive.

So again, I don't think that Donna was "too nice". What was happening was likely very complex, and the more I think about it the less I think Donna actually had anything to do with causing it.

I am horrified of the sex-only relationship on this contribution.

I feel for society's decay.

ExtraDebit:
Take out of gil section for example, the dude is broke..... BROKE! Any sane person would advice them to get a job before thinking about other things. But no, she actually attempts to give dating advice with his financial situation. That is just plain wrong.

This is a dating advice column. People who write to Lara are looking for DATING ADVICE. If he wanted advice on how to get a job he would have written to MoneyWatch.
I agree that "get a job" is fine advice but so is "wear sunscreen" and they are both equally irrelevant. He asked "So what's a good first date for nearly no money?" a was answered with "So conversation is key, not how much you spend."
I see nothing wrong with that.

ExtraDebit:
Lastly, the dude that wants sex. Just save up and go to a prostitute, or look online. Did you know there was a girl in HK who wanted to EAT someone and post the request online.....and it actually got ANSWERED by a dude that willing to be eaten. And she actually end up eating him, yes, the dude is dead and was in her belly.

Moral of the story: the world is big and the net makes our world smaller, if a cannibal can find someone willing to be eaten online. There are no excuse for someone only looking for a fuck buddy and can't find one. Until you come to a page that said "this is the end of the net, please go back" you haven't search hard enough.

Hell, I myself found countless fuck buddies in my time, from blondes, virgins to whorish one night stands....and I've done it all online alone. I'm also only 5'11 and very thin and not a looker. There's absolutely no excuse.

A) TMI
B) Eww.

I can't believe I even have to tell a college student this, but masturbate. Frequently.

I lol'd Hard, now go jerk off harder :D

Delsana:
I am horrified of the sex-only relationship on this contribution.

I feel for society's decay.

I fail to see your point, sex is a fantastic thing the ultimate show of love between two people, however I don't see why people shouldn't be able to have a sex only relationship aslong as everything is legal and consented it's not up to you, me or anyone else to pass judgement on the activities of other people and certainly not label it as 'society's decay'.

Atheist.:

EverythingIncredible:

Mr.K.:

I can't see that anywhere... you got any more specific examples?

I guess it's just me then.

No, I disagree with most of this advice as well. Especially since at no point in "Out of Gil's" e-mail does it mention the persons gender, yet she instantly assumes it's a male. A straight male at that.

Lara doesn't post all of the information from letters into the column if she is assuming that Gil is male then chances are somewhere in the cut out info was an indicator that Gil is male. Also she comes up with the names they sign with so he might have signed his name to the end of it.

ExtraDebit:

I disagree almost 90% of the time. Most of the time the advice is just naive like it was coming from a college girl who never really been in a deep relationship. Other times it was just plain wrong or bad advice. Yet there are times I just found it not entertaining enough or informative enough.

As a person who has has been in a deep relationship I can tell you her advice is very good.




EDIT: Spoilered for length

Atheist.:
No, I disagree with most of this advice as well. Especially since at no point in "Out of Gil's" e-mail does it mention the persons gender, yet she instantly assumes it's a male. A straight male at that.

In defense, I'd like to point out that a lot of times the writers-in don't assign the nicknames, and they often write longer e-mails. The article includes excerpts from the original e-mail -- they remove repetitive or non-essential stuff, and any personal information that could jeopardize confidentiality, etc.

And sometimes, when responding, the writer may accidentally include a tidbit that nods toward that excised information -- like dropping gendered pronouns, etc.

I actually made a similar observation to yours once, and was gently corrected on that particular point. Figured I could help set that one right for someone else.

Ophenix:
This is a dating advice column. People who write to Lara are looking for DATING ADVICE. If he wanted advice on how to get a job he would have written to MoneyWatch.
I agree that "get a job" is fine advice but so is "wear sunscreen" and they are both equally irrelevant. He asked "So what's a good first date for nearly no money?" a was answered with "So conversation is key, not how much you spend."
I see nothing wrong with that.

I agree in part. I also think that "romantic relationships" aren't just about the activities of the dates. Rather, the activities provide a context in which we share ourselves with the other person (and vice versa).

Since romantic relationships are about sharing ourselves with others, it really is good romantic advice to recommend that someone "get their house in order" before pursuing a romantic relationship. It's not the money that is the problem -- it's the absence of stability. If you have no job, you are currently moving away from stability. You still have expenses, but no income, so your "safety net" is rapidly dwindling.

I certainly could agree that too much of "dating culture" relies on one party (usually the male) demonstrating financial viability to the other party (usually the female), and we've termed this "romantic" over the years. In that sense, free or low-cost dating can be a refreshing change of pace.

But not having a job at all? That's not something your date needs to know, but it is something that ought to be fixed before dating very much.

artanis_neravar:
As a person who has has been in a deep relationship I can tell you her advice is very good.

You're not saying that like you think you're the only one here who has, are you?

After all, what is a "deep" relationship? Is it a relationship that lasts a long time? Is it one that results in a deep commitment like marriage? Is it a relationship begun in a submarine? I know lots of people who have been in all three situations (well, okay, not the last one) who don't know much at all about relationships in general.

And I'm not saying that to insult you. You may have had fantastic experiences with a lovely partner, but that doesn't mean you have a breadth of expertise about how relationships in general work. No one does, because relationships are complicated and what works for some of us is guaranteed to not work for others. This is why all dating advice columns are dubiously useful.

artanis_neravar:

ExtraDebit:

Women aren't really interested in nice guys.

Why yes, yes they are interested in nice guys.

Yeah, I strongly disagree with this. It's really just an over-generalization. "Women" are not a monolithic group that are attracted to any one thing. But in my long experience dealing with women, two things become apparent- a lot of guys who want to attract women (especially young women) try to pretend they are more dangerous than they really are. That wouldn't happen if "niceness" was an effective attractor. Secondly, some women (especially women who have put some space between themselves and their teenage years) may begin to prefer "nice guys" to dangerous guys, but being nice in and of itself is never enough to attract someone unless they are truly desperate. If there isn't sexual attraction there to begin with, it doesn't matter how nice you are- you ain't gettin any. So again, to say that this gay guy was sending the wrong signals because he was nice is bad advice.

POST EDITED TO CORRECT MISQUOTE

Katatori-kun:

WhiteandNeardy99:
As a person who has has been in a deep relationship I can tell you her advice is very good.

You're not saying that like you think you're the only one here who has, are you?

After all, what is a "deep" relationship? Is it a relationship that lasts a long time? Is it one that results in a deep commitment like marriage? Is it a relationship begun in a submarine? I know lots of people who have been in all three situations (well, okay, not the last one) who don't know much at all about relationships in general.

And I'm not saying that to insult you. You may have had fantastic experiences with a lovely partner, but that doesn't mean you have a breadth of expertise about how relationships in general work. No one does, because relationships are complicated and what works for some of us is guaranteed to not work for others. This is why all dating advice columns are dubiously useful.

artanis_neravar:

ExtraDebit:

Women aren't really interested in nice guys.

Why yes, yes they are interested in nice guys.

Yeah, I strongly disagree with this. It's really just an over-generalization. "Women" are not a monolithic group that are attracted to any one thing. But in my long experience dealing with women, two things become apparent- a lot of guys who want to attract women (especially young women) try to pretend they are more dangerous than they really are. That wouldn't happen if "niceness" was an effective attractor. Secondly, some women (especially women who have put some space between themselves and their teenage years) may begin to prefer "nice guys" to dangerous guys, but being nice in and of itself is never enough to attract someone unless they are truly desperate. If there isn't sexual attraction there to begin with, it doesn't matter how nice you are- you ain't gettin any. So again, to say that this gay guy was sending the wrong signals because he was nice is bad advice.

For the first one (I'm assuming it's directed at me although you miss quoted it) I was only saying it to counter extradebits claim that Lara's advice comes from someone who has never been in a deep relationship. And for the second one, I will disagree with your disagreement, Women are attracted to confidence, the nice guy with confidence will always[1] beat out the jackass (assuming he mistreats the girl in someway, just because a guy is a jackass to other people doesn't mean he is that way to his girlfriend) with confidence. Also teenagers are girls not women, they are still immature and tend to be looking for excitement rather than real relationships.

Edit: Forgot to address the last part - Someone else being physically attracted to you is not something you can control, but giving out the vibe that you are interested in them is. The advice she gave was good advice because his being nice gives girls the sense that he is interested back, especially doing things that are always associated with sappy romantic gestures, like giving a girl your coat.

Also note that this is all from my personal experiences and the experiences from those around me.

[1] with some exceptions

As a person who has has been in a deep relationship I can tell you her advice is very good.

Well, these things are relative. Lara would seems like a love god if I never been in a relationship before.

The guy wrong in asking for dating advice not career advice.

"You should get a job in accounting" that's career advice. "you should get a job before dating" that IS DATING ADVICE. It doesn't seems completely stupid where dating in concern because relationships in its nature is confusing. But just imagine if someone was asking for gaming advice saying "Hi! I'm level 1 but don't want to wait until I'm level 60 before going on a raid, any advice?". I rest my case.

First impressions aren't about what you have for a job they are about you as a person.

Having a job says alot about you as a person. For one it says that you're independent and can take care of yourself, it says you're not a loser in life, it says you're not lazy and most importantly that you can add to the other person's life and not just siphon from it.

Yes most people do worry about letting some one down easily.

And I'm saying that they shouldn't, not where sexual orientation is concern at least. A straight would not hesitate to reject a homosexual relationship, and neither should a homosexual hesitate to reject a straight relationship.

Why yes, yes they are interested in nice guys.

No, they don't.

prostitution is illegal and she can not give him that advice because she would be liable for his actions. You forgot to mention tht she was arrested and charged for that crime.

So is weed and there's a TV series about it. In addition it can always be implied. "Money is usually a good option to alleviate sexual desires" or something long that line. If you're denying that prostitution is a readily available and very viable option then you're just lying to yourself and just plain naive.

He was asking what his options regarding a fuck buddy was and she told him that they aren't a good idea. The guy stated that he would love to find the girl of his dreams which leads people to believe that he is to emotionally attached to have a fuck buddy.

Regardless, everything can be found online, fuck buddies and otherwise.

May I ask what happened to you to make you so cynical and seemingly angry at women? This is a serious question not trying to insult you, that is just the impression I get from reading your responses in this column.

I'm not angry at women, far from it, I understand them and to a degree: relationships. Since relationships are usually untrustworthy, immoral (all is fair in love and war), and often ends in bitterness. I can understand why my post was misunderstood by some who didn't read between the lines and tried to understand the real points. In truth, I'm only being a realist, keeping it real and calling out on what relationships really are.

ExtraDebit:

The guy wrong in asking for dating advice not career advice.

"You should get a job in accounting" that's career advice. "you should get a job before dating" that IS DATING ADVICE. It doesn't seems completely stupid where dating in concern because relationships in its nature is confusing. But just imagine if someone was asking for gaming advice saying "Hi! I'm level 1 but don't want to wait until I'm level 60 before going on a raid, any advice?". I rest my case.

That is an awful comparison, at level 1 you physically can't do a raid, you can date with out a job. There is nothing wrong with dating while you don't have a job, the issue only comes up when you aren't trying to find a job. And again, they guy asked "So what's a good first date for nearly no money?" not "should I find a job before I date" the second one could be answered with a yes, the first one indicates that he has chosen to date regardless of his employment status and is past that part of the decision.

First impressions aren't about what you have for a job they are about you as a person.

Having a job says alot about you as a person. For one it says that you're independent and can take care of yourself, it says you're not a loser in life, it says you're not lazy and most importantly that you can add to the other person's life and not just siphon from it.

And being recently laid off doesn't change any of that, it's not like he never had a job, he just suffered downsizing with the current economy anyone would understand that.

Yes most people do worry about letting some one down easily.

And I'm saying that they shouldn't, not where sexual orientation is concern at least. A straight would not hesitate to reject a homosexual relationship, and neither should a homosexual hesitate to reject a straight relationship.

The sexual orientation had nothing to do with it, it was the fact that these girls are his friends and he doesn't want to hurt them.

Why yes, yes they are interested in nice guys.

No, they don't.

Yes they do

prostitution is illegal and she can not give him that advice because she would be liable for his actions. You forgot to mention tht she was arrested and charged for that crime.

So is weed and there's a TV series about it. In addition it can always be implied. "Money is usually a good option to alleviate sexual desires" or something long that line. If you're denying that prostitution is a readily available and very viable option then you're just lying to yourself and just plain naive.

The TV series never encourages you to go buy weed, in addition the guy asked for a fuck buddy, fuck buddy implies long term sexual relationship that excludes hookers, because that isn't long term. Not to mention that college students are notoriously poor, and there is a very good chance that he could not afford a hooker.

He was asking what his options regarding a fuck buddy was and she told him that they aren't a good idea. The guy stated that he would love to find the girl of his dreams which leads people to believe that he is to emotionally attached to have a fuck buddy.

Regardless, everything can be found online, fuck buddies and otherwise.

That doesn't even address this point.

May I ask what happened to you to make you so cynical and seemingly angry at women? This is a serious question not trying to insult you, that is just the impression I get from reading your responses in this column.

I'm not angry at women, far from it, I understand them and to a degree: relationships. Since relationships are usually untrustworthy, immoral (all is fair in love and war), and often ends in bitterness. I can understand why my post was misunderstood by some who didn't read between the lines and tried to understand the real points. In truth, I'm only being a realist, keeping it real and calling out on what relationships really are.

You claim to "Understand" women yet you think they don't like nice guys, this shows a flaw in your thinking. Also "to a degree: relationships. Since relationships are usually untrustworthy, immoral (all is fair in love and war), and often ends in bitterness." This seems to counter your point about not being bitter. That is a very bitter statement especially due to the fact that only relationships that are untrustworthy and immoral end in bitterness, the majority of relationships, do not. "All's fair in love and war" is about the pursuit of love and the competition between two suitors, not a loving relationship.
Finally, no you are not a realist, a realist would realize that not all relations are awful things that leave people bitter, because the statistics show otherwise. You are a cynic who is condemning all relationships for a reason that is unknown to the rest of us.

Katatori-kun:

WhiteandNeardy99:
As a person who has has been in a deep relationship I can tell you her advice is very good.

You're not saying that like you think you're the only one here who has, are you?

After all, what is a "deep" relationship? Is it a relationship that lasts a long time? Is it one that results in a deep commitment like marriage? Is it a relationship begun in a submarine? I know lots of people who have been in all three situations (well, okay, not the last one) who don't know much at all about relationships in general.

And I'm not saying that to insult you. You may have had fantastic experiences with a lovely partner, but that doesn't mean you have a breadth of expertise about how relationships in general work. No one does, because relationships are complicated and what works for some of us is guaranteed to not work for others. This is why all dating advice columns are dubiously useful.

artanis_neravar:

ExtraDebit:

Women aren't really interested in nice guys.

Why yes, yes they are interested in nice guys.

Yeah, I strongly disagree with this. It's really just an over-generalization. "Women" are not a monolithic group that are attracted to any one thing. But in my long experience dealing with women, two things become apparent- a lot of guys who want to attract women (especially young women) try to pretend they are more dangerous than they really are. That wouldn't happen if "niceness" was an effective attractor. Secondly, some women (especially women who have put some space between themselves and their teenage years) may begin to prefer "nice guys" to dangerous guys, but being nice in and of itself is never enough to attract someone unless they are truly desperate. If there isn't sexual attraction there to begin with, it doesn't matter how nice you are- you ain't gettin any. So again, to say that this gay guy was sending the wrong signals because he was nice is bad advice.

I've been misquoted there mate it wasn't me who made the above statement must have been a system cock-up or something.

WhiteandNeardy99:
I've been misquoted there mate it wasn't me who made the above statement must have been a system cock-up or something.

My apologies, it has been fixed.

 

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