Critical Miss: The Douche King

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The Douche King

Escapist ... Run This Comic Strip.

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DEATH TO GIANT SCROTUMS!
To be fair, the newer commercials are FAR less douchie

Every time I see one of those obnoxious Apple ads, I think of this:
"Set a course for iHell, Douche-factor 5!"

I do hope the newest string of ads won't be quite as pervasive and prevalent as they were back in late 2009. One couldn't go a single damn day without listening to the ongoing "I'm a Mac/I'm a PC" ad-war at least somewhere.

Heh, I lolled, usually don't at those.

I was expecting worse from that advert, it wasn't overly bad.

Still makes me want to strangle their ad department. People complain about EA? That shit is TAME compared to the rage this instills in me.

/stands up and applauds

I knew I wasn't the only one that thought the same thing.

Douuuuuuuuuche!

Something about Apple ads just makes me want to murder people.

I should probably do something about that...

*Sips tea*

Hmmm, maybe later.

Apple's entire design philosophy seems to be:

"You're better than everyone else. Stuff it in their face while paying us to allow you to do it."

Microshaft may be a vile, money-grabbing parasite, but at least they don't pretend not to be.

Of course: Siri isn't completely foolproof: http://shitsirisays.com/

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Erm, I really don't see the douche factor in that, sorry.

Maybe you are just thinking of the really douchey "I'm a mac" adverts and you perceive this one as douche-tastic too?

The Almighty Grigard:
Erm, I really don't see the douche factor in that, sorry.

Maybe you are just thinking of the really douchey "I'm a mac" adverts and you perceive this one as douche-tastic too?

Hmmm, this looks likes the first set of symptoms...

Do you suddenly have an urge to break out your laptop in Stabucks coffee shops?

Their marketing apeals to their proto-human fanbase who breakdown into three types;

1. "More-money-than-sense Douchebags". Affluent, usually mid 20s to late 30s types who want show off how much better they already are than you by buying the most overpriced peices of flashy-junk they can get their hands on.

2. "Aspiring douchebags"; people who have to save up (or more likely mooch of their perants) to keep up with their stlye-tech fetish. They will buy into the fact that simply owning these poducts enhances their lives and makes them better than other people.

3. "Connoisseur douchebags"; These typically own high priced Macs or entire product ranges and like to advertise that fact, they like to gleefully tell you how their macs could never crash. Ever. And it is utterly impossible for a mac to ever get a virus or suffer from slowdown. They use sudo-tech 'knowlege' gleaned from Apple marketing and apple blogs. Their smugness is the most entrenched, they define themselves by how much better their taste in tech is than yours. "It just works" they will tell you. "It just does".

The only way to make this ad actually bearable:

Did anyone else notice that Apple was actually quite honest in their distinction between PCs (Personal Computers) and Macs, which are becoming increasingly locked down and controlled? Not quite as bad as their phone (at least the interface provides some semblance of control and useability on their computers, if you are never looking for advanced options), but still pretty limiting.

Please. The ads may not be all gritty, nerdy and hardcore, but they d make sense: they depict handsome people, young enough for young people to relate to and old enough for old people to relate to. They can't make ads for all different social standards in society, so what they do is simple: they choose a standard a lot of people 'agree' to (even though that may not be you or me), and make sure everything is as generic as possible, so they're not stepping on any toes. Plus, the 'environment' in their ads perfectly relates to their desired image: clean, simple and 'stylish'. And not only are this all very understandable marketing choices, they're also very good at it. Which is possible why you seem to hate it so much: you realize what an incredibly unrealistic image of the world they create (and also one that is adapted to a different social group than yours), and people are actually attracted to that image. Which can be annoying. I know.

Also, of course they try to create the idea that you're superior or cooler of whatever if you have one of their products. It's called brand management, something every company with luxery products in a hardly differentiated market tries to do. These BMW 1 serie commercials that keep popping up on this website are definitely not trying to sell the technological advances in that car..

And finally, if you still want to hate the Apple ads, don't forget to hate every ad Nintendo and Microsoft produced since the Wii. Actually, these ads are no different than the 'cool' oldschool Nintendo commercials or the Kevin Butler ads from Sony: they are both very much focusing on a certain social group. The casual ones just have a broader audience. And don't forget, the 'cool' commercials are also designed to make us feel smug; these kind of commercials greatly contributed to the whole 'hardcore gaming identity'. Which is the very cause for the pretentious attitude against casual gaming that we've seen for years now.

You know I have to say after that idiotic rant at the end I have absolutely no respect left for you at all.

Daystar Clarion:

The Almighty Grigard:
Erm, I really don't see the douche factor in that, sorry.

Maybe you are just thinking of the really douchey "I'm a mac" adverts and you perceive this one as douche-tastic too?

Hmmm, this looks likes the first set of symptoms...

Do you suddenly have an urge to break out your laptop in Stabucks coffee shops?

Nope, Because we don't have Starbucks... But I do have a Macbook!

Attempting to diagnose me with "Apple-Fanboyism"?
I'm no Apple fanboy, I despise Apple for most of it's shenanigans and my Macbook is the only Apple product I own because I got it from my High School. They are smug and advertise their products as "superior" in a very smug tone. But this particular add, I don't think so.

HAHA thank you, glad I'm not the only one who thinks the smug factor in apple ads is getting a bit much. A fella in work got one of new iPhones and for whole day he did nothing go on and on about about the speak functions asking it questions and blah blah etc. And all the while everyone else has the same collective thought, that these phone are actually smarter than the idiots who buy them.

Ohh no, they didn't try and introduce some new technology to some general, everyday fucktards did they?

Seriously, have you ever tried to explain anything technical to a normal person these days? - it's rediculous how much I have to dumb down IT issues for 'normal' people... No Mr.Managing Director, you probably shouldn't send these Nigerian princes your bank account details, no you probably haven't won the Chechnian lottery... Let me have that laptop, I'll go find you some fucking lego's to play with instead.

Apple do a good job of selling technology to people who shouldn't really be allowed near it... I don't see a reason to hate them for that, in fact having a reaction to what Apple does is so bloody predictable that it's incepid, boring, and not the sort of thing I like to waste my time on.

Considering they are marketing to douches, I think the ads are perfect.

Scrumpmonkey:
Their marketing apeals to their proto-human fanbase who breakdown into three types;

1. "More-money-than-sense Douchebags". Affluent, usually mid 20s to late 30s types who want show off how much better they already are than you by buying the most overpriced peices of flashy-junk they can get their hands on.

2. "Aspiring douchebags"; people who have to save up (or more likely mooch of their perants) to keep up with their stlye-tech fetish. They will buy into the fact that simply owning these poducts enhances their lives and makes them better than other people.

3. "Connoisseur douchebags"; These typically own high priced Macs or entire product ranges and like to advertise that fact, they like to gleefully tell you how their macs could never crash. Ever. And it is utterly impossible for a mac to ever get a virus or suffer from slowdown. They use sudo-tech 'knowlege' gleaned from Apple marketing and apple blogs. Their smugness is the most entrenched, they define themselves by how much better their taste in tech is than yours. "It just works" they will tell you. "It just does".

you win. everything. forever.

OT: Is anyone surprised at the new adds? Apple has always targeted their products to arrogant D-bags who think that they are better than everyone else because that own a mac, and I would say that it works because the few mac users I've met were just that (not saying everyone who owns an apple product is an asshole just the elitist fan-boys)

Im seriously glad I read the comic before watching the ad. At least got a chuckle out of the comic this way.
Because honestly, working under the assumption that I did not see the new, slimmer, de-douchified version, I really cant understand what the hell some ouf you go on about.
Sure, the first guy was kind of a douchenozzel, but after that we had... a guy in a car... a woman packing a bag.... someone making a cake.
You know.
Douche stuff...

Way to make me feel like an old grumpy conservative granddad even though im only 17, Apple.

I mean, do we really need this shit? Just press a button, for fucks sake! That thing is total bullshit. I dont need to talk to my fucking mobile phone. Seriously.

Next thing I know im going to be shouting at kids, telling them to get off my lawn.

Grey Carter:
Your choice in phone or OS really says nothing about you, but the way a company markets their products does show what they think [of] you. If this latest ad is anything to go by, Apple still thinks you're a twat.

Qu'est-ce que c'est? Do I see a mistake in Grey Carter's usually immaculate posts?

major_chaos:

Scrumpmonkey:
Their marketing apeals to their proto-human fanbase who breakdown into three types;

1. "More-money-than-sense Douchebags". Affluent, usually mid 20s to late 30s types who want show off how much better they already are than you by buying the most overpriced peices of flashy-junk they can get their hands on.

2. "Aspiring douchebags"; people who have to save up (or more likely mooch of their perants) to keep up with their stlye-tech fetish. They will buy into the fact that simply owning these poducts enhances their lives and makes them better than other people.

3. "Connoisseur douchebags"; These typically own high priced Macs or entire product ranges and like to advertise that fact, they like to gleefully tell you how their macs could never crash. Ever. And it is utterly impossible for a mac to ever get a virus or suffer from slowdown. They use sudo-tech 'knowlege' gleaned from Apple marketing and apple blogs. Their smugness is the most entrenched, they define themselves by how much better their taste in tech is than yours. "It just works" they will tell you. "It just does".

you win. everything. forever.

Beyond simple douceness there are good reasons many dislike the company;

Apple's whole philosophy is one of stlye and carefully choreographed marketing over actual stubstance and i think that goes some way to explaining many people's hostlity towards the company. The idea that you can batter more innovative and simply better quality competitors into submission with sheer weight of marketing is one that runs counter to many peoples hopes for the technology industry.

Apple plays dirty. It Black-Lists media outfits who don't give it anything but glowing press and threatens them with a shut-out of any acess (they even tried this with the BBC), it creates a false mistique around its self by obsessively controling infomation about its products. Their products are very cheaply produced in apauling conditions in china yet the price they are sold for is pretty unreasonable. They contribute less to the technology industy than most think bar their flashness, they put their name on a technology like MP3 players or tablets and suddenly they are given credit for it when years of RnD by someone else is really to thank.

They get down and dirty like some of the most disreputable big companies do yet their public image is one of almost godliness.

"I'm afraid I can't do that Dave."

PlasticTree:
Snip

THANK YOU. I'm glad someone finally said this. The point about brand management is especially valid - Apple products are luxuries. No, not everyone can afford luxuries. If we could we'd all be driving around jaguars and wouldn't need fords. The reason Apple's entire focus has been on design is to maintain the idea of Apple as a very chic, high-class luxury product enjoyed by young individuals who are either successful or have considerable disposable income. I can understand it's frustrating to see marketing implying and directed to people who are "above" you financially, but it's downright childish to brandish them all as "douchebags" for the fact. Considering how bitter it's made people outside its target demographic, i can only assume it is a testament to the effectiveness of the advert in question and that it has an equally strong impact on those who are Apple's key consumer base. Yeah, it's an unrealistic world that's being portrayed. Yeah, it's depressing to know you don't have the money and success to be able to afford such products. But that doesn't mean you're given a free card to bitch about it. At the risk of devolving into 4chan; deal with it.jpeg

Oh. It's good to see Critical Miss' commitment to a nonexistant plotline and focus on personal gripes and memetic material. Then again, given the mess of the car crash plotline, i can hardly blame the authors at this point for just abandoning all pretense.

That guy is so much douche, you could probably hear him from a mile away

But today it's Siri, tomorrow it's SHODAN

Siri needs to learn that its not a cynical asshole or person.

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0_o (and that's all there really is too say on the matter...)

You know, I don't mind that there are people that don't like Apple products and choose not to buy them. That's their choice. What I do have a problem with is the constant conceited, unfounded, judgmental ad hominem attacks against those of us who do buy and use Apple products. What pisses me off the most is that these attacks are often baseless and hypocritical.

We do not think we are better than others simply because of our choice of a particular product or device. That's you guys making that assertion that we do, and, further, you guys are the ones who are actually making such a judgement by declaring that anyone who purchases an Apple product must be an idiot or a douche-bag.

We do not uphold Steve Jobs as any sort of god. He was an ordinary, if eccentric(like most, if not all, of us), human being who was CEO of a company. It's always been you guys who have been asserting that we some how hold him up as a god/saint/hero based on no information at all.

I have yet to see a single Apple-user go around waving their iPod, iPhone, Mac, or Macbook in other people's faces saying "See! See! Lookit what I got! I'm better than you!" The idea that we are somehow trying to push our "superiority" on the basis of a device purchase into other people's faces is an assertion that you guys have made and does not occur in reality.

Most Apple users did not make their buying decision based on the ads, because we know that, like most ads, they really say little to nothing about the product. It's always been you guys who have asserted this must be the case.

As for the advertisements themselves, what company doesn't want to sell their product as cool or sexy? Why does this rage not occur against makers of certain cars, for instance? Because they are not Apple. That's all. It's a completely irrational hatred that is exclusive to a single company. But, as I said, it is not the hatred directed at this company that is galling, it's the attacks those of us who choose the products, for our own reasons.

Also, the nature of the ad is to highlight and emphasize the feature of Siri as a unique selling point. You can't really do that without being a little "in-your-face" about it. EVERY does this for ANY product. But, because it's an Apple ad, people just become pissed off. Do lipstick ads piss you off in the same way? What about jeans ads? How about car ads? What about those Monster-truck ads? How about the ads for football? Just any non-Apple ad that gets all "in-your-face" or tries to say, "If you buy our product, you'll be cool and sexy, too!" Do those kind of ads piss you off? They should, if your reasoning is rational and unbiased. But, if they don't, then consider that you are being pissed off by the ad for no other reason than the fact it's an Apple ad, and you simply have a heightened sensitivity toward a negative reaction to anything related to Apple.

We are often called idiots and iSheep, that we must somehow be unintelligent. I'd like to see any of you come over here to the University of Maryland and tell to the faces of the 50% or so of Ph.D's in the physics, mathematics, computer science, engineering, biology, chemistry, and space sciences departments that they are all idiots simply because they made a product choice that you don't agree with. I'd like you guys to find the numerous scientists of the world who use Apple machines(and there are quite a few) that they are idiots and morons simply because of a choice of device purchase. Many of these people whom you guys are calling idiots have probably forgotten more in the past couple of days than some of you have learned in your entire life.

It's the total hypocrisy in it all that really irks me. The constant hypocritical message seems to be that choice is good as long as no one chooses Apple, and competition is good as long as Apple is not among the competitors. I'm not saying you have to like the products or buy them. It's your choice what you want to do or buy; you have your own reasons, and no one can expect any one thing to fit everyone's needs or preferences. However, this constant harassment to invalidate the choice of others on the basis of such conceited imaginings is absolutely reprehensible. This is made worse by the outright gall to then assert that it is those of us using Apple products that are the ones acting smug and superior, when the observable reality is completely contrary. 100% hypocrisy.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if all the hate is simply people imitating what they read on the web. They don't have a real reason for all the hate; they're just hating because their other internet compatriots are hating.

^...and it was at this point that I officially got creeped out.

Yes, we hate you all because you make more money than us, not because you are smug douchebags basing your day to day activities on images created by a marketing departments to peddle their shit.

We all see idiot Hip Hop styled people buying flashy shit and showing it off every chance they get. Most of us can accept that it is a stupid practice and that they are just buying into marketing in an attempt to conform to an image.

Yet for some reason, Apple users who go to a coffee shop and pull out their Macbooks to check their email, when they clearly have a fucking iPhone are not trying to live out an apple ad.

Douchebags All!

geizr:
Another brick in the WALL 'O TEXT

About people asserting Apple users as [insert negative]: maybe that's exactly what most of their ad campaigns have hammered into our heads for years? Especially the "I'm a Mac" ones that were all about "Oh, you use a PC, poor little you that can't do anything fun or creative because your shitty computer didn't come with iMovie/Photo/etc out of the box. And you don't even have any cool "Genius(es)" to help you when you with the million problems your cheap PC is bound to have. You must be middle-aged and pudgy whereas we're all sleek and hip".

That shit alone makes me angry, but I'd never insult or assume much of anything about someone just because of those ads. No, I've actually had to listen to people extol the virtues of Macs, how Microsoft just copies Apple, etc.
And then I took photography classes. Oh god, visual arts and Macs... Every classroom had a projector and watching these people stumble through menus and dialogs, one teacher erasing my portable hard drive because he clicked 'yes' for Time Machine and the guy managing the servers didn't know what a drive partition was... It became obvious: These people don't know shit about computers and they like Macs because they do a slightly better job of being straightforward and natural to use.

I still wouldn't call someone an idiot just for using a Mac, but if they start saying it's "so much better than a PC", then they're showing that they kinda are idiots, because one shouldn't talk out one's ass when one doesn't know what they're talking about.

So yeah, it would be nice if all Apple users were like you say, but they're not. Your "observable reality" is rather small I'm afraid. But then so is mine! Yet they're completely different. Apple's business practices, their massively inflated stock price and market cap, their presence in markets they don't even have a fucking stake in, their frivolous patenting and yes, their advertising... those are all things that would not be possible with a userbase like "yours".

I did hate the I'm a mac commercials, but i was expecting a lot worse after reading your rant. It seemed completely normal, reminded me of a few DS game commercials, like the one that teaches how to cook.

In other words, am I the only one that didn't think it was douche-like at all? Seemed just like a normal commercial to me.

The use of good looking 30 somethings that lead interesting and varied lives is a rather hackneyed advertising trope lacking in any kind of creativity. Honestly, these marketing types must think we are all suckers who think that buying something instantly means we have the lifestyle depicted. It's not unique to Apple though, they are all at it. I really despise people in advertising - especially those that describe themselves as 'creatives' - those wankers can fuck right off.

I cannot wait for the hacks that change it's dialogue. "How cold is it outside?" "Go fuck yourself, you lazy asshole." But anyways, yeah, pretentious commercial sells itself to those looking for it.

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