Stop Camping Your Girlfriend for Sex

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Stop Camping Your Girlfriend for Sex

If he'd rather game than talk, there might be a problem.

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God, that title makes me think of a whole new term for "spawn camping."

I feel real bad for the second person who wrote in, I hope that she managed to resolve the situation.

Sound advice from my complete lack of experience, and there's no way in hell I'd invite a gal I liked over to dinner; my stepdad would scare'em off before they realized I'm an asshole.

But yeah, I've made a remarkable discovery all by myself! I've been interested in two girls, one a Jessica, the other a Jessie. My name is Jesse...

Lara Crigger:
Love FAQ: Stop Camping Your Girlfriend for Sex

If he'd rather game than talk, there might be a problem.

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Yeesh. There's direct, and then there's... well... a little hateful.

You gave pretty good advice to Answer, I think. The other reason to go somewhere neutral is so that both parties have the opportunity to leave if things aren't up to snuff. Otherwise, the "host" might feel a bit jerkish if it isn't working, because that means asking the other person to leave.

But then you urge Camped immediately into confrontation. That's the absolute best way to guarantee dialogue never happens, because you open the conversation with a metaphorical slap in the face. No matter how well-reasoned your side, the other person is on the adrenaline-fueled defensive.

We heard one side. She feels (justifiably) taken for granted. And he may very well be doing so... but perhaps not intentionally. We're not programmed to be automatically empathetic, and this sounds like a young couple. It probably is just a case of immaturity that will eventually lead to a break up... but isn't it better for her to practice the communication skills she would use in a later, healthier relationship?

Don't suffer in silence and be upset that he doesn't "hear" you. Express your feelings, explain what he does that makes you feel that way, and then let him respond. Remember, you've had time to think about this issue, and he is potentially just now hearing about it (or at least understanding how big a deal it is). It might be that both of you have some unclear expectations, or are missing some details, and that these color how you perceive the situation (and how you describe it to others).

Above all, focus on good communication. Not necessarily to "save the relationship," because at this point it might not be worth it. But so that you become a better communicator because of it, wherever you end up going.

Pressed does, indeed, need to be more honest with himself. He was looking for a girlfriend, but was trying the classic "flanking" maneuver of "not looking for a girlfriend" while testing the waters. She saw it coming a mile away, because we're never as sneaky as we think we are.

But there's no need to go after the guy's parents like that. Different people have different values. It doesn't mean his parents want to have "approval rights," or that he needs their validation. I find it a bit weird, too, and I would recommend to him that he get to know the girl himself before bringing her home (which also gives her time to adjust before more people are involved)... but there's no reason to belittle the guy because his parents are friendly.

First guy: think less You've Got Mail and more Euro Trip.

Zachary Amaranth:
God, that title makes me think of a whole new term for "spawn camping."

He only wants her around to help pitch his tent :(
Personally I'd recommend those movie lego games (as long as you're not a chip whore like me and can just play them for fun) but he doesn't even want to talk about games with her then I think she should probably move on.

Third guy: You've been trapped in the Friend Zone! There is no escape!
And why the hell would you bring her home before taking her out? If you want her, you want her. Once you've got the relationship going, THEN you should give a shit about what your family thinks.

Camped is needy, but perhaps justifiably. Honestly, it seems her bf needs to get a second tv/console in the house. Am left wondering how deep the relationship is; eg if you can't communicate, your relationship is probably doomed. The advice is mostly solid; sometimes you need to make it through an awkward talk in order to change for the better, but leave the posturing threats out of it.

I am often left wondering what to do in the same situation, but if nothing else comes up, I have usually learned to stop myself from playing games until after a reasonable time or she has gone off to do something else. Also, does the guy not enjoy watching someone else play?

And what's necessarily wrong with camping your gf for sex? Seems like it's the other way around in this situation.

Third guy: Need to move on. I'm sorry. I've been there before; it's horrible if you let your emotion create some sort of desired fantasy, and are subsequently let down.

I think the writer is being a bit hard on "nice guys" I used to be one of those. I just didn't have any experience or confidence for awhile. After awhile I found the confidence to be more direct and didn't have to be anyone's friend. But still I was a "nice guy" and I wasn't a dick >.< just took me a bit to build up the courage to ask someone out is all.

Last guy needs to move on. I had a girl that I find absolutely gorgeous do similar to me. When I was with my wife she seemed VERY into me. We even had a "first date" after I divorced.

I was just hanging out with her at her house. We ate some fast food, watched a movie, and shared a $3 bottle of wine (Not romantically, just as cheap alcohol. Beer & wine is all you can get in her city due to religiously influenced laws.). After the movie, she says "Good first date..." I was under no impression we were having once since I was originally only there have some food with her since she was depressed she broke up with her boyfriend the night before and wasn't eating.

I asked her out (officially) a couple times after that. She said "I can't this weekend" or something similar, every time. We have hung out maybe 3 or 4 times since then, all in public places as non-dates with friends. After a few times you just have to give up. Later she even mentioned to me that she didn't want to date me.

I'm still friends with this girl. One of the times we went out as friends was after I gave up on her as a romantic interest. I still have some feelings for her, but they do fade. He just needs the time to get over it.

Zachary Amaranth:
God, that title makes me think of a whole new term for "spawn camping."

Reminded me of this:

Original link:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/08/16

Sandytimeman:
I think the writer is being a bit hard on "nice guys" I used to be one of those. I just didn't have any experience or confidence for awhile. After awhile I found the confidence to be more direct and didn't have to be anyone's friend. But still I was a "nice guy" and I wasn't a dick >.< just took me a bit to build up the courage to ask someone out is all.

THe nice guys she is refering to are the guys that aren't nice because that's their personality, they are nice because they believe that being nice is all they need to do to get girls to sleep with them.

UNHchabo:

Zachary Amaranth:
God, that title makes me think of a whole new term for "spawn camping."

Reminded me of this:

I wish it reminded me of that. It reminded me of the Pedobear demotivational.

A word of advice to the author: Not everything is exactly as it appears, and I think it would behoove you to show a bit of restraint in your judgment and gender stereotype pigeonholing. It's not easy being a naive young man in love with a girl who doesn't feel the same way. Try being more gentle when you let him down.

And regarding the second question, not every woman who feels she isn't getting enough attention deserves the equivalent of "you go girl! drop that zero and get yourself a hero". Relationships involve compromise, and this seems like a young couple who might not be well practiced at that yet. Maybe he's a great guy and they could come to some understanding without her confronting him and delivering an ultimatum. Honestly, "Spend more time with me!" pretty much always makes a person want to do the opposite. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. Imagine that your boyfriend is disappointed in the attention he gets, so he writes in to an advice column. The advice essentially amounts to "Confront her. Demand more attention, because you deserve it, and if she isn't willing to give it, dump her."

How would you feel if your boyfriend then followed that advice? I could be off base, but I have the sense there'd be a big dose of resentment all around, and *someone* would do the dumping. You can't make a relationship work if you put your needs ahead of your partner's. It's quite possible that that's exactly what he's doing. But it's also possible that we're not getting the whole story, or that we're getting a biased version, and you counseled her to put her needs ahead of his.

Camped

He's not interested in playing split screen because he just finished playing split screen. Multiple times. You were there for the whole thing? How did you not notice? :D

Labcoat Samurai:
A word of advice to the author: Not everything is exactly as it appears, and I think it would behoove you to show a bit of restraint in your judgment and gender stereotype pigeonholing. It's not easy being a naive young man in love with a girl who doesn't feel the same way. Try being more gentle when you let him down.

And regarding the second question, not every woman who feels she isn't getting enough attention deserves the equivalent of "you go girl! drop that zero and get yourself a hero". Relationships involve compromise, and this seems like a young couple who might not be well practiced at that yet. Maybe he's a great guy and they could come to some understanding without her confronting him and delivering an ultimatum. Honestly, "Spend more time with me!" pretty much always makes a person want to do the opposite. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. Imagine that your boyfriend is disappointed in the attention he gets, so he writes in to an advice column. The advice essentially amounts to "Confront her. Demand more attention, because you deserve it, and if she isn't willing to give it, dump her."

How would you feel if your boyfriend then followed that advice? I could be off base, but I have the sense there'd be a big dose of resentment all around, and *someone* would do the dumping. You can't make a relationship work if you put your needs ahead of your partner's. It's quite possible that that's exactly what he's doing. But it's also possible that we're not getting the whole story, or that we're getting a biased version, and you counseled her to put her needs ahead of his.

Her job isn't to search for information, it's to give her advice one the situation given the information (of which she does not share all of it with us) that is included in the emails.

Ha. All these people with these problems. Lucky I don't have any problems like this!

image

OT: Common sense seems to fly out of the window when the brain pumps those sex hormones.
#1: Like I said, common sense. I've met a couple of people from the intertubes, neither for sex, and it wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped it would be.
#2: Common courtesy this time. Anyone to goes off to play singleplayer games when other people are around, sexy time notwithstanding, is rude.
#3: Don't you think your parents are encroaching on your life? And, dude, girls are people too. They have likes and dislikes. They aren't this thing you woo and level up. She said no thank you and you're still friends. Friends count for a lot.

Lara Crigger:
snip

Ha! Your avatar made me laugh.
How'd you get into this job? Is it, for the lack of a better word, fun?

DVS BSTrD:
First guy: think less You've Got Mail and more Euro Trip.

This isn't where I parked my car!

I've gotta agree with Dastardly on all counts here. Sound advice, but a bit harsh and too up-front.

Age really does need to be taken into account in a lot of these.

Great advice to the second girl. I know how she feels, but she has to be clear about it.

#3
True he does need to move on but harsh much? I mean I didn't get much of a "nice guy" vibe from his letter, he had a friend who he started feeling attracted to. Not "he liked this girl but couldn't ask her out so he became friends with her".

I've heard a couple of people claim that attraction can grow with familiarity, if they're in any way correct then I think Lara was too harsh on this one.

Alexnader:
#3
True he does need to move on but harsh much? I mean I didn't get much of a "nice guy" vibe from his letter, he had a friend who he started feeling attracted to. Not "he liked this girl but couldn't ask her out so he became friends with her".

I've heard a couple of people claim that attraction can grow with familiarity, if they're in any way correct then I think Lara was too harsh on this one.

You hit the nail on the head, my only problem with this advice column is the seeming perpetuation of the "friend zone", but I'm willing to overlook it because the rest of the advice is good.

Alexnader:
#3
True he does need to move on but harsh much? I mean I didn't get much of a "nice guy" vibe from his letter, he had a friend who he started feeling attracted to. Not "he liked this girl but couldn't ask her out so he became friends with her".

I've heard a couple of people claim that attraction can grow with familiarity, if they're in any way correct then I think Lara was too harsh on this one.

"Nice guys" are the great punching bags of our time, everyone gets to feel tough by slamming someone in the gut for not being an alpha male. You must never feel any sympathy for them either. It is utterly inconceivable that a person could start out friends with a woman, then discover in them characteristic they are attracted to, and then want to try to change the relationship. Anyone man who ever expresses any sexual interest in a female friend must be a conniving coward whose entire friendship was just a clever ruse to trick some helpless woman into bed. Hate them, and savor your hate. It will make you feel cool.

Katatori-kun:

Alexnader:
#3
True he does need to move on but harsh much? I mean I didn't get much of a "nice guy" vibe from his letter, he had a friend who he started feeling attracted to. Not "he liked this girl but couldn't ask her out so he became friends with her".

I've heard a couple of people claim that attraction can grow with familiarity, if they're in any way correct then I think Lara was too harsh on this one.

"Nice guys" are the great punching bags of our time, everyone gets to feel tough by slamming someone in the gut for not being an alpha male. You must never feel any sympathy for them either. It is utterly inconceivable that a person could start out friends with a woman, then discover in them characteristic they are attracted to, and then want to try to change the relationship. Anyone man who ever expresses any sexual interest in a female friend must be a conniving coward whose entire friendship was just a clever ruse to trick some helpless woman into bed. Hate them, and savor your hate. It will make you feel cool.

Yes ... nice guys are 'dicks'. God forbid they ever develop feelings or cannot find the courage to be more direct. And yes, don't forget the preplanned insidious acts to get into a girl's pants!!

I used to be a 'nice guy' and it's funny how women can be so clueless with these issues sometimes. I suppose you'd prefer alpha-males playing push pull, 'negging' you, and manipulating your every emotion. Real advice for guy # 3? Be MORE of a dick. In reality, you're -way too nice-. And honestly; that's the real problem. The author is right in that you are doing things wrong, but her explanations are far off. Women justify their attraction post-event, and I assure you plenty of males that women find 'attractive' are surprisingly 'jerky' without their swooning-googles.

Alexnader:
#3
True he does need to move on but harsh much? I mean I didn't get much of a "nice guy" vibe from his letter, he had a friend who he started feeling attracted to. Not "he liked this girl but couldn't ask her out so he became friends with her".

I've heard a couple of people claim that attraction can grow with familiarity, if they're in any way correct then I think Lara was too harsh on this one.

Aye. From what I took away from it was he met her, hung out and talked with her as friends. He started feeling a bit of attraction towards her but wasn't sure if he should try to move on with it. His parents love to meet his friends in general (a fact skipped by the author), he brings it up, and she reacts thinking he was pushing for something much more.

Certainly didn't sound like "get in as a friend, walk out with a score" deal to me. Then, instead of answering the question, it was taken in a different direction about he shouldn't be friends with a chick just to get a girlfriend. He just wanted to know if it might be possible to build something more, though he was fine with just being friends. No obsession, no "nice guy (lulz)" routine.

As for an actual answer? I do have to admit I agree she is more than likely not interested in him in THAT way. Will she be later? Who the hell knows, women, like men, aren't a static creature, and are more than able to change their minds on a whim. Don't push her about it, don't try to bring it up much (or at all), and just let things go as is. She doesn't want anything more than a friend from you, so don't pressure it. IF at some later time she actually brings up an interest in you beyond being friends, then if you haven't found someone else (which hey, is what like 50/50?), go ahead and try it. Just don't be creepy about it.

Also, take whatever I say with a grain of salt... big one. My luck with women isn't exactly... great I guess (one or two long-term relationships, but nothing too noteworthy to speak of). Also, like the stereotypical male, I can not read woman's mind (thank god too, am I right fellas? Heeeyo!).

#1
Up here in Canada it is common to have to drive an hour to just get to a restaurant, so driving three hours for nookie seems alright with me. But Lara is right, first time meets are better off somewhere public. And yes I am implying that all potential mates to be met online want to murder you and bathe in your fresh warm blood.

#2
You feel used because you are being used. If you could have your cake and eat it too would you turn down the opportunity? Probably not, by not saying ANYTHING about it you are enabling the behavior to continue. While the authors advice may walk you straight into conflict, a more subtle approach my not.

It may be because he doesn't know about this aspect of a relationship, give him the benefit of the doubt the first time you bring it up.

#3
While it may be possible to have the friendship grow into something more, I wouldn't place any bets on it. She seems pretty solid in her stance based on her wording. Does that mean you should give up hope for something more? Probably, but I am a pessimist in the worst way. Be her friend but don't push for anything more, if it happens it happens.

People seem to be mistaking "nice guys" with "Nice GuysTM".

Yes, you can find yourself attracted to women you are friends with. That's different to being, or pretending to be, friends with women in the hope they'll have sex with you, and crying foul when they don't.

If a woman tells you she's not interested in you, that she just wants to be friends, a nice guy will accept that she is a person too, and can make her own decisions. It's the Nice GuyTM who needs to find a way to convince her otherwise, because she's chosen something he doesn't want.

"Pressed, she's not into you. She's never been into you. She will never be into you."

Look I know it's important that he move on but seriously, she's not psychic, she doesn't know that part.

I've seen friendships become relationships and I doubt they both wanted to be "more than friends" at the same time.

Dastardly:

Pressed does, indeed, need to be more honest with himself. He was looking for a girlfriend, but was trying the classic "flanking" maneuver of "not looking for a girlfriend" while testing the waters. She saw it coming a mile away, because we're never as sneaky as we think we are.

So I take it you either didn't read the article or you think he's lying based on some bullshit.

Labcoat Samurai:
A word of advice to the author: Not everything is exactly as it appears, and I think it would behoove you to show a bit of restraint in your judgment and gender stereotype pigeonholing. It's not easy being a naive young man in love with a girl who doesn't feel the same way. Try being more gentle when you let him down.

And regarding the second question, not every woman who feels she isn't getting enough attention deserves the equivalent of "you go girl! drop that zero and get yourself a hero". Relationships involve compromise, and this seems like a young couple who might not be well practiced at that yet. Maybe he's a great guy and they could come to some understanding without her confronting him and delivering an ultimatum. Honestly, "Spend more time with me!" pretty much always makes a person want to do the opposite. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. Imagine that your boyfriend is disappointed in the attention he gets, so he writes in to an advice column. The advice essentially amounts to "Confront her. Demand more attention, because you deserve it, and if she isn't willing to give it, dump her."

How would you feel if your boyfriend then followed that advice? I could be off base, but I have the sense there'd be a big dose of resentment all around, and *someone* would do the dumping. You can't make a relationship work if you put your needs ahead of your partner's. It's quite possible that that's exactly what he's doing. But it's also possible that we're not getting the whole story, or that we're getting a biased version, and you counseled her to put her needs ahead of his.

I remember on reddit someone said that they never believe someone's "my partner/ex is horrible" stories, without getting the other person's take on them.

I now think they have the right idea.

Perhaps no one should be giving advice on "my partner sucks" stories without hearing from the partner. Well maybe small steps like "find out their excuse/reason for it".

Father Time:

I remember on reddit someone said that they never believe someone's "my partner/ex is horrible" stories, without getting the other person's take on them.

I now think they have the right idea.

Perhaps no one should be giving advice on "my partner sucks" stories without hearing from the partner. Well maybe small steps like "find out their excuse/reason for it".

That's not what advice columns are for thought, they are intended to give advice to someone and the columnist uses the information given to them in the letter to formulate that advice. It is up to the writer to determine whether or not they should follow it.

Father Time:
"Pressed, she's not into you. She's never been into you. She will never be into you."

Look I know it's important that he move on but seriously, she's not psychic, she doesn't know that part.

I've seen friendships become relationships and I doubt they both wanted to be "more than friends" at the same time.

The girl already said once, and recently from the sound of it, that she wasn't interested in anything more, so Lara does kind of know that, because while feelings do change it's not something you should put all of your hopes on. Also if friendships became relationships then they would both had to have wanted to be more than friends at the same time, otherwise they wouldn't be more then friends

artanis_neravar:

Father Time:

I remember on reddit someone said that they never believe someone's "my partner/ex is horrible" stories, without getting the other person's take on them.

I now think they have the right idea.

Perhaps no one should be giving advice on "my partner sucks" stories without hearing from the partner. Well maybe small steps like "find out their excuse/reason for it".

That's not what advice columns are for thought, they are intended to give advice to someone and the columnist uses the information given to them in the letter to formulate that advice. It is up to the writer to determine whether or not they should follow it.

Father Time:
"Pressed, she's not into you. She's never been into you. She will never be into you."

Look I know it's important that he move on but seriously, she's not psychic, she doesn't know that part.

I've seen friendships become relationships and I doubt they both wanted to be "more than friends" at the same time.

The girl already said once, and recently from the sound of it, that she wasn't interested in anything more, so Lara does kind of know that, because while feelings do change it's not something you should put all of your hopes on.

Yeah I know, they are very rare but they do happen so saying it will never happen is just wrong.

artanis_neravar:

Also if friendships became relationships then they would both had to have wanted to be more than friends at the same time, otherwise they wouldn't be more then friends

Not what I meant. What I meant was one of them probably wanted to be in a relationship before the other one. Of course they both had to come around, but probably not simultaneously (although I never asked so maybe they did).

Father Time:

artanis_neravar:

Father Time:

I remember on reddit someone said that they never believe someone's "my partner/ex is horrible" stories, without getting the other person's take on them.

I now think they have the right idea.

Perhaps no one should be giving advice on "my partner sucks" stories without hearing from the partner. Well maybe small steps like "find out their excuse/reason for it".

That's not what advice columns are for thought, they are intended to give advice to someone and the columnist uses the information given to them in the letter to formulate that advice. It is up to the writer to determine whether or not they should follow it.

Father Time:
"Pressed, she's not into you. She's never been into you. She will never be into you."

Look I know it's important that he move on but seriously, she's not psychic, she doesn't know that part.

I've seen friendships become relationships and I doubt they both wanted to be "more than friends" at the same time.

The girl already said once, and recently from the sound of it, that she wasn't interested in anything more, so Lara does kind of know that, because while feelings do change it's not something you should put all of your hopes on.

Yeah I know, they are very rare but they do happen so saying it will never happen is just wrong.

artanis_neravar:

Also if friendships became relationships then they would both had to have wanted to be more than friends at the same time, otherwise they wouldn't be more then friends

Not what I meant. What I meant was one of them probably wanted to be in a relationship before the other one. Of course they both had to come around, but probably not simultaneously (although I never asked so maybe they did).

Got it, it didn't start with them both wanting it.

And for the first part it's not wrong, this is her advice to him (granted I don't necessarily agree with it, the "friend zone" is complete bullshit) but her advice can't be "wrong" it can be bad advice, but it's hardly bad advice, it may not be the best, but it's not bad.

I don't know why everyone is defending single-player bf. Whether she's your girlfriend or not, that's terrible host behavior, period. Shutting them out to do something solo while they sit there and do nothing is bad manners. Entertain your guests.

Father Time:

Dastardly:

Pressed does, indeed, need to be more honest with himself. He was looking for a girlfriend, but was trying the classic "flanking" maneuver of "not looking for a girlfriend" while testing the waters. She saw it coming a mile away, because we're never as sneaky as we think we are.

So I take it you either didn't read the article or you think he's lying based on some bullshit.

I don't think the guy was lying to her. I think he was lying to himself about his intentions. He was interested in her from the word "Go," but he wasn't confident enough to go for it. Happens all the time, to everyone, and it's perfectly normal. It's also something we should strive to overcome.

So, I take it you're projecting because you believe yourself to be in this same situation, and are perhaps similarly being dishonest with yourself, causing you to overreact to disagreement. Or, as it is with the above situation, that's at least what it surely looks like.

Dastardly:

Father Time:

Dastardly:

Pressed does, indeed, need to be more honest with himself. He was looking for a girlfriend, but was trying the classic "flanking" maneuver of "not looking for a girlfriend" while testing the waters. She saw it coming a mile away, because we're never as sneaky as we think we are.

So I take it you either didn't read the article or you think he's lying based on some bullshit.

I don't think the guy was lying to her. I think he was lying to himself about his intentions. He was interested in her from the word "Go," but he wasn't confident enough to go for it. Happens all the time, to everyone, and it's perfectly normal. It's also something we should strive to overcome.

So, I take it you're projecting because you believe yourself to be in this same situation,

No I believe him when he said he developed a crush on someone gradually and find you kind of condescending.

Huh, I forgot that nerd men can be dicks too.

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