Escape to the Movies: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 4 5 NEXT
 

SilverUchiha:
I just want to say that if they rewrite the final movie (Breaking Dawn Part 2) to be that Bella gives birth to Blade (Wesley Snipes in particular) then the franchise might be worth a damn because then we all know they will die a terrible death at the hands of a more set in mythos vampire... who also is a badass.

well if the baby came out as Blade, then clearly the rest of the movie wouldn't be about how Blade will kill them all; it will be about the controversy of Bella cheating on Edward so soon with a black man. and then we'll get some Mormon message about how only men can have more than one spouse and women need to stay in their place and in the kitchen.

I was hoping for some of that unbridled Bob rage that made the last three reviews so much fun. I guess there isn't much left to rage about at this point. Then again, if the 3Ds mellowed you out, put it away before the next one. Pissed off at Twilight Bob is great fun to watch.

When he said that the movie abandoned all of the sappy "I MUST HAZ MAN" thing in favor of... i actually got a little excited for a split second that when i am inevitably dragged to this movie that i'd be in for an inept, but underworld-esque action movie. Sadly 1.5 seconds later my hopes were crushed. Hooray two more hours of obnoxious moralizing!

klaynexas3:

SilverUchiha:
I just want to say that if they rewrite the final movie (Breaking Dawn Part 2) to be that Bella gives birth to Blade (Wesley Snipes in particular) then the franchise might be worth a damn because then we all know they will die a terrible death at the hands of a more set in mythos vampire... who also is a badass.

well if the baby came out as Blade, then clearly the rest of the movie wouldn't be about how Blade will kill them all; it will be about the controversy of Bella cheating on Edward so soon with a black man. and then we'll get some Mormon message about how only men can have more than one spouse and women need to stay in their place and in the kitchen.

...

...

I gives you internet cookie. You took my funny and made a better funny. :D

CrimsonBlaze:

LordLundar:

CrimsonBlaze:
For anyone who actually read these books, does the last book really need two movies? Yes I get it, the last book is a thick one, but I only raise this question because it only took less than 2 years to push out 3 movies and now it seems like they will take more than 3 years to deliver only 2 movies.

Haven't read it (thank god), but to me it seems like they said "Harry Potter did it, so we can too!"

What? That's crap. The idea that they can make more money from splitting a book in half is just ridiculous. Still, I'd like to hear from someone who read the books to know for sure if it is justified.

I've read the books, and no ... there is no justification at all for splitting them.

That last book is undoubtedly the worst in the series. Not just because they got progressively worse as they went on, but because NOTHING HAPPENS in the last book. Oh yeah, there's some of the stuff you've heard about (violent sex, pregnancy, etc), and could be considered interesting if you enjoy being disturbed. But that all happens in the first half. That second half of the book is a complete LETDOWN. Without any specific spoilers, it's just a complete build-up to something that could be decidedly epic, just for it to end like "ho-hum never mind ... and they all live happily ever after".

Either they're going to pad this movie with shit that didn't happen (which would HELP) or they're going to work the hell out of the source material (like something you'd originally cut HAS to stay in order to meet time quota).

They split it in two for the money. I think Harry Potter is guilty of the same thing honestly, but at least Harry Potter is GOOD. Twilight is shit.

SilverUchiha:

klaynexas3:

SilverUchiha:
I just want to say that if they rewrite the final movie (Breaking Dawn Part 2) to be that Bella gives birth to Blade (Wesley Snipes in particular) then the franchise might be worth a damn because then we all know they will die a terrible death at the hands of a more set in mythos vampire... who also is a badass.

well if the baby came out as Blade, then clearly the rest of the movie wouldn't be about how Blade will kill them all; it will be about the controversy of Bella cheating on Edward so soon with a black man. and then we'll get some Mormon message about how only men can have more than one spouse and women need to stay in their place and in the kitchen.

...

...

I gives you internet cookie. You took my funny and made a better funny. :D

you keep the cookie, i only made a funny because of yours, so i'll let you keep most of the credit :)

Heh. Jacob switches teams. You mean he's heterosexual in this one? *rimshot!*

Seriously though, looks like I'm staying out of the theaters this weekend. I'd see the penguin movie but I have a rule that's even more exception-free than 'never see Twilight movies'. That rule is 'Never ever ever EVER see a new movie that has Robin Williams.'

Ashoten:
Wait. If the wearwolves despise a vampire/human hybrid then why did they invest so much time and effort into protecting Bella? They had to have known that a half breed was one potential outcome of Bella and Edward being together. This makes no F-ing sense.

I hate myself for knowing this but it has never happened before, vampires are incapable of become pregnant and no human has ever survived matting with a vampire. (with the exception of that one dude in like the amazon)

Wait what? David Lynch has a recurring role in The Cleveland Show? Truly the owls are not what they seem.

here's the big plot hole of this story

http://cheezburger.com/View/3825075712

Bob, I want to take this opportunity to thank you for taking this hit for me, and, in fact, for all of us. I haven't played a Mario game since the NES, but I have heard of the mythical, spiritual healing powers of the Tanooki suit. To deny yourself this healing so as to spoil a truly wretched movie is a debt we can never fully repay. Thank you.

Bob has stated truth. It's not a movie that's painful but lacking everything to make it good overall. I mean, the movie pretty much drags on with only focusing on the characters like a 'picture movie' meaning it's meant to be all about the looks while nothing more, and the plot isn't set up right.

An escapist stated this earlier, but why would the gang of wolves protect Bella, being well aware that the couple shall make love thus a baby is possible? To me, I would get on those wolves... actually they look more like bear wolves you'd face in an old RPG game or something.

No offence Bob, but I'm a little mad at you. I mean, the movie "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" came out today (the 18th) and you chose to review Twilight? Majority of the people who have half a brain know that movie wont be any good.

You also mentioned Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy in your summer video of movies you couldnt wait to see!

Now, if you couldnt get a "Critics review" of it (because the studios didnt release it to reviews early) that's 100% fine. I retract my complaints; but if you COULD have reviewed it but chose Twilight instead, then all I can be is dissappointed.

OT: Good review though! Hit the nail on the head for much of the unimpressive series as a whole! :D

Another good review

sorry u had to put down ur game bob hah, thats the feeling i get everyday when i have to get off my computer where im literally roaming the countryside of skyrim hunting DRAGONS to go to my dead end job haha

Ashoten:
Wait. If the wearwolves despise a vampire/human hybrid then why did they invest so much time and effort into protecting Bella? They had to have known that a half breed was one potential outcome of Bella and Edward being together. This makes no F-ing sense.

There's a simple answer to this and it goes along the lines of "Stephine Meyers is a terrible writer".

galaith100:

And Hellsing is the best argument Twilight-fans ever had to fight everyone complaining about smyrpires not being traditional (and where is the game, it's a better idea than Twilight VS Blade).

Do not know what vampires are (looks like you do)? watch Dracula.

HELLSING(the OVA) also has Vampire Nazis with Zeppelins. That alone makes it one of the best vampire-related things ever.

I smiled when I first saw what the review of the day was going to be, thinking "Bob, you poor bastard I feel so bad for you." Seriously, much respect on having to sit through this dross! You... you are so damn courageous!

And is it just me, or does Kristen Steward always look stoned? As a matter of fact, doesn't Robert Pattinson also look stoned all the time? I dunno, every time I see a picture of either, I have to wonder how long it took to fan out the smoke before the shoot.

klaynexas3:

SilverUchiha:
I just want to say that if they rewrite the final movie (Breaking Dawn Part 2) to be that Bella gives birth to Blade (Wesley Snipes in particular) then the franchise might be worth a damn because then we all know they will die a terrible death at the hands of a more set in mythos vampire... who also is a badass.

well if the baby came out as Blade, then clearly the rest of the movie wouldn't be about how Blade will kill them all; it will be about the controversy of Bella cheating on Edward so soon with a black man. and then we'll get some Mormon message about how only men can have more than one spouse and women need to stay in their place and in the kitchen.

That just made my day. Someone needs to take over the next film and just do that and tell Stephanie Mayer to go get a boyfriend (who doesn't think he's a supernatural creature).

thank you, escapist, for ruining my day with twilight. may my hands have mercy on my eyes

Well on the bright side bob if the Rampage movie gets a tie in game it might actually be a good movie tie in game for once.

I watched this last night with my girlfriend (and by watched I mean fell asleep and woke up to talking wolves), and I must say from the wolfy bit onwards it was better than the others I had to sit through. Though that is like saying being kicked in the leg is being kicked in the nuts, at the end of the day I am still being kicked.

Spoilers? I'm not worried. They're spoilers to a movie I'll never watch based on a book I'll never read.

By the way, Vampire Jesus: Did anybody else think of Raziel from Soul Reaver? Maybe it's just the colour scheme, though.

wait 2 parts?
damn i thought we were finally done with this! oh well... one more and its finally over... right?
but do not despair folks some vampires are still awsome! just look at this:

joshclarke90:
OMGG! Finally I've seen Breaking Dawn Part 1 and I loved it <

It's such an amazing movie, you can watch it online for free here: Oh no you don't spambot!

Enjoy!!!

Failed spambot is fail.
Nobody likes that movie here.
Enjoy your ban Mr. Spambot.

Anyway... i dunno, i'm not going to watch this movie, but that's besides the point... i felt this review is a bit lack-luster, almost like i can feel that you're just getting tired of these... then again, you did actually state that :P

EverythingIncredible:

Lieju:

EverythingIncredible:

Sparkling? Fine. Whatever. You had a half decent explanation for this one. Even if the underlying message drives me nuts with feminist fury.

What is the actual explanation for them sparkling in the sun? I like to think it's the corpse juices trickling out of their sweat-glands when they are exposed to UV light.

It didn't explain the biology behind it, but it did explain why they shied away from the sun if it doesn't hurt them.

Don't get me wrong, it is still stupid and filled with holes. But there was at least a half baked reason for it.

Stephanie Meyer clearly doesn't know how Vampire mythos works and the fact that they could get someone pregnant is proof.

It's not like the vampires could actually move about being dead and all. There's the certain amount of suspension of disbelief involved.
There's no reason why someone just couldn't write that vampires can reproduce sexually, but if the mythos within the series is contradictory and nonsensical, and changes depending on what needs to happen in the plot, it's more noticeable.
A lot of vampire stories had gone with vampires being born like any other species, sometimes also including the route of people turning into them.
Blade and Discworld books come to mind.
And even half-human half-vampire dhampires are common.

The vampire mythos can differ a lot between different sources and stories anyway, and a lot of it is quite recent addition.

As for the sparkling, I like the idea of the sun not being fatal as such for the vampires, but exposing them as non-human, and even the idea of them gloving in the sun is kinda good, but since Meyer can't write it comes off as silly (and is difficult to pull off well in a movie) especially with the Edward trying to commit suicide by exposing his sparkles to people and stuff.

I remember when this whole thing was being hyped as the next Harry Potter, turns out it was more Fred Weasley though...

Just came home from it.

Alright, so Breaking Dawn wasn't ALL bad. I recommend watching this movie for:
A) The talking doggie scene, which is the funniest scene from a 2011 film.
B) The graphic childbirth scene, which is hands down the most horrifying scene you will see in 2011.
C) if you have a burning desire to throw away all your money.

My wife and one of friends have gone to the movies to lampoon them, and she came home last night particularly amused by the werewolves. She also highlighted her transformation into a vampire as going above and beyond in the realm of nonsensical cinematography, although she did get have a laugh when Bella arches her back and it makes it look like her bust is expanding.

Apparently there were a large number of kids in the 10 and under range who were brought to the movie. Given the sex scenes and gore this disturbed her more than a little.

yeah see the penguin movie, its bad too, but hey, penguins!

Actually I already saw it. there is this awesome french hitman living in new york and then the unclassifiable lizard monster smashes up a lot of buildings in new york, then a really dodgy looking cgi giant ape turns up and ice skates and accidentally smashes the statue of liberty. Also there were some eggs And Charlton Heston screaming "they really did it" before a quick cameo by Marky Mark when the ape gets captured by that blond douche from Harry Plopper. No Del Toro though. Some guy called Smithee is credited though I believe David Lynch took time from his busy schedule in Cleaveland but would not put his name to the credits or something. You know come to think of it it sounds awful familiar, but probably still won't be as bad as the Mario movie... wait a minute the shadowy red and blue blur jumping on Lizzie after the end credits might not have been Superman!!!!!

hurricanejbb:
The movie's so bad it drove Spoony to drink.
http://spoonyexperiment.com/2011/11/19/vlog-11-19-11-breaking-dawn/

I'm betting the drinking is a result of the other issues that he has been going through lately.

brinvixen:

CrimsonBlaze:

LordLundar:

Haven't read it (thank god), but to me it seems like they said "Harry Potter did it, so we can too!"

What? That's crap. The idea that they can make more money from splitting a book in half is just ridiculous. Still, I'd like to hear from someone who read the books to know for sure if it is justified.

I've read the books, and no ... there is no justification at all for splitting them.

That last book is undoubtedly the worst in the series. Not just because they got progressively worse as they went on, but because NOTHING HAPPENS in the last book. Oh yeah, there's some of the stuff you've heard about (violent sex, pregnancy, etc), and could be considered interesting if you enjoy being disturbed. But that all happens in the first half. That second half of the book is a complete LETDOWN. Without any specific spoilers, it's just a complete build-up to something that could be decidedly epic, just for it to end like "ho-hum never mind ... and they all live happily ever after".

Either they're going to pad this movie with shit that didn't happen (which would HELP) or they're going to work the hell out of the source material (like something you'd originally cut HAS to stay in order to meet time quota).

They split it in two for the money. I think Harry Potter is guilty of the same thing honestly, but at least Harry Potter is GOOD. Twilight is shit.

Thanks for the input. I'm surprised that they even went beyond the first book. Flippin' Twihearts; they ruined a perfectly good opportunity to create a meaningless phrase by taking this damn book series seriously.

My mother, sister, friend and cousin all went out of town to see this. I basically live in the middle of nowhere, the nearest movie theater being two and a half hours away. They drove 150 miles. For Twilight.

Seems legit.

To be honest, the only Twilight I enjoy happens to be a fictional cartoon character. But I digress.

Oh, and how much do you wanna bet that if Mystery Science Theater 3000 were still around, they would tear through that easier than tissue paper? I'd give money to see that happen.

Bob sounded so tired with this review. After 4 (soon to be 5) films, I can see how one's patience with the Twilight series can wear a bit thin.

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 4 5 NEXT

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment
Have an account? Login below:
With Facebook:Login With Facebook
or
Username:  
Password:  
  
Not registered? To sign up for an account with The Escapist:
Register With Facebook
Register With Facebook
or
Register for a free account here