I Love You So Much I Might Even Call Sometime

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Liked the last bit, tell everyone to shut the fuck up n piss off is always a good model when you don't care about them and they are constantly criticizing you.

But yeah, I'm guessin that one guy might just hate talking on the phone, I know I do for the most part.

The best advise I have seen on these columns so far. Also I got the impression of more sympathy for the people being advised than in other weeks. I think seeming more sympathetic gets people to follow the advise even if it still is not something they would want to do. The nice guy advise from last week was just too adversarial (even though true) and probably lost people who should be following that advise.

People have to feel that in some way on their side, before telling the they are idiots.

I would say for letter number 2. Put the onus on him to initiate communication every so often. It does not have to be anything big, just something as simple as, at the end of a get together say something like, 'I had fun, let like know when you want to get together again'. Then you both know the next initiative is with him.

On the second letter: Your boyfriend sounds a lot like me. I don't really initiate conversations. I'm more of an active listener. If you start the conversation I will carry it with you until words fail you.

CAPTCHA: trifling ichpis. Ichpis sounds quite trifling.

Lara Crigger:
Love FAQ: I Love You So Much I Might Even Call Sometime

You're not nice, you're a doormat.

Read Full Article

I actually think the column often works better without a lot of the gaming shtick. But above all, I think what has made this week's offering a triumph is that the advice focuses much more on the person asking the question, understanding (rather than inadvertently ridiculing) why they feel the way they do, and offering direct suggestions as to what to do next.

For Nice, I'd just caution you not to fall into the nigh-inevitable trap that either she or yourself will set for you: You won't be getting back together. Not even if she and the new beau break up. From her behavior, it's obvious she views you as a resource, entirely separate from the romantic portion of her brain. She might give you "hints" to keep you on the hook -- and she may do this without realizing it to, not to make her a mustache-twirling villain -- or you may subconsciously read this into the situation... but don't buy it.

It won't be fair to you. And it won't be fair to her, because (odds are) you're covering up for some deficiencies in her current relationship. So she will continue to invest herself, oblivious to these deficiencies. She needs to realize how she's treating you, that's for sure, but she also needs to realize how she's allowing herself to be treated. In helping yourself, you also help her -- maybe that can help to ease your conscience during this difficult process.

Hits Itself: Don't overthink it. Really, some people are good at starting and others a brilliant at following. You seem to be a good starter, he seems to be a good follower. Maybe (like I am) he's just laid back, and it doesn't matter to him what you do -- so he's content to let you decide that, so he can be sure the two of you are doing things you enjoy. He's letting you set the pace.

As time goes on, things will take more shape. It might continue like this, or he might gain some more confidence, or maybe confidence isn't the issue... only time will tell. But it sounds like it'll be a good time on the way, so again, don't overthink it.

Full Health Bar: I've seen both sides. You do what you want to do, and don't let them pressure you otherwise. As long as you find someone who shares your feelings on the matter, you should be fine.

The other side, though, is that it can be hard to know what we want until we've tried something. While "discovering together" is awesome, it always carries the risk that two people will "discover" they like very different things -- and sometimes, those differences can be hard to reconcile. I think that maybe people who are not willing to take that risk have a hard time understanding someone who is. They may seem to think less of you, but really they are just reacting to how they would handle the situation.

I would caution you, above all, to remain true to that belief against your own potential storms. It can be extremely easy, as our "natural urges" steer us around, to begin rushing things toward marriage in a hormone-blinded rage. And those aren't as obvious and easy-to-spot as they sound! If you jump in too fast, get married, find out it's wrong, and then need a divorce... well, that would mean the "wait until marriage" ship has sailed.

Putting off sex chronologically is not a worthwhile decision unless you can also put it off psychologically. Not saying you can't, but I'm saying it can sneak up on you, so be wary!

Hmmm.
That first letter is helping me understand why gamers are so accepting of every greedy money making scheme the gaming industry can come up with.

It's a lot like what's gone on this generation: the publishers and platform developers keep coming up with ways of making more money which ultimately make things more frustrating for the consumer, yet the consumer keeps accepting it, making excuses for the industry, and eventually lining up ahead of time for the next big rip off scheme.

I only took Psych 101 but I'm curious what kind of mentality that is. Is that some kind of masochism or self loathing? Whatever it is, it seems pretty common amongst gamers.

I'm in a slightly similar situation to the second person. Only slightly. I'm usually the one to call/open-steam-conversation/Skype my girlfriend, she almost never does it. On the other hand, she comes up with roughly 95% of the date ideas.

Plus, I kinda get that she doesn't want to maybe-accidentally-possibly bother me, so she lets me do the calling (she's very conscious about bothering people. She hates herself anytime she does that, even accidentally). My take on it is: I'm fine with that. I don't mind being the one to initiate calls. :P

I too convulse when asked to order the pizza. It's a common thing, so don't waste a potentially great relationship too quick on a little hang up. If a real issue comes out of it, maybe a rethink. But now, let it pan out naturally, may just get better when things are more comfortable.

This was a great article =D I am really starting to dig this column ^^

God, that first one irritated me due to one thing: "she said I was too safe". Most people know safe =/= boring, so that's not it. People saying "ooh, he was too safe" and "I want someone with a bit of danger" just reveals so much stupidity and bimbo-ishness. Fuck right off!

Letter number 2 I'm exactly like the male mentioned.

I feel like I'm "inflicting" my presence on someone if I call them, and it takes a long time of me knowing someone (girlfriend or otherwise) before I don't feel bad about contacting someone to do something.

He may just have the same insecurities as I have, and you shouldn't worry about having to initiate contact each time because he definitely seems receptive each time you contact him.

As for the 'no sex' bit:

Yes, it's most certainly the prerogative of the person(s) in question, but it's not exactly something that should just be dismissed out of hand as 'it's cool, fuck everyone else'. Adult males need an ejaculation (or alternative milking of the prostate) approximately every 14 days as a minimum. Masturbation does the trick and so does other activities that gives near the same level of ejaculation. Doing otherwise is to invite serious health problems. Similarly, studies show that regular orgasms are fairly vital to good mental health for both males and females.

If you don't want to have sex until marriage, go right ahead... but don't ignore your physical and mental health, please.

I do have to say I think you're missing out, though. The longer you go without sex and the fewer partners you have in life, you'll find yourself less good in bed. I couldn't even imagine entering a relationship with a virgin at this point, especially a long-term/life relationship, quite simply because life is far too short for mediocre sex.

Deviate:
-snip-
I couldn't even imagine entering a relationship with a virgin at this point, especially a long-term/life relationship, quite simply because life is far too short for mediocre sex.

That made me laugh. Yes, becuase someone with low amounts of experience in the sack is always going to be bad at it. I think some people are too impatient to do a bit of mentoring and prefer that others do that for them. I would have thought that potentially having a 'blank slate' that you could mould to your desires would have been a good thing, especially if the relationship is long term.

I'd add to Full Health Bar: the reason why not having sex is sometimes bad for your relationships is because you don't learn how to have sex--and a relationship can be poisoned by bad/unfulfilling sex. Despite what some people believe, we are not born knowing how to have good sex. "What comes naturally" to some people is to be awkward, confused, or just plain frigid in bed, and unable to discuss this with their partner.

So, even if you don't want to actually have sex until after marriage, learn to be open and relaxed ABOUT sex. Pay attention to what turns you on. Experiment with self-manipulation so you know what produces good and bad physical sensations. Talk to your would-be partners about it so you can learn their attitudes about sex before you're married to them, in bed, and attempting to arouse someone who's terrified of physical intimacy or expects you to do 100% of the work when you expect it to be more 50/50.

If you conquer the expectations and responsibilities surrounding sex, you can sure have great relationships without ever having sex first. But not if you expect it to just work out.

About Letter #2

I wouldn't worry much - I'm kind of like that too. I can't speak for the dude in the letter, but I can in my case a lot of it is that I don't like bothering people when they don't want to be bothered so I tend to let people start conversations with me, unless there's something I specifically want to talk about it or ask.

Lara Crigger:
Love FAQ: I Love You So Much I Might Even Call Sometime

You're not nice, you're a doormat.

Read Full Article

Great advice

#1 - Listen to this advice, you won't be happy until you do.

#2 - He is probably trying to do what you are doing and play it cool, I can tell you from experience that at the start of a relationship (or even before one starts) some guys tend to over-think everything they do, and worry that the girl is going to misinterpret what he says.

Dastardly:

The other side, though, is that it can be hard to know what we want until we've tried something. While "discovering together" is awesome, it always carries the risk that two people will "discover" they like very different things -- and sometimes, those differences can be hard to reconcile. I think that maybe people who are not willing to take that risk have a hard time understanding someone who is. They may seem to think less of you, but really they are just reacting to how they would handle the situation.

I would caution you, above all, to remain true to that belief against your own potential storms. It can be extremely easy, as our "natural urges" steer us around, to begin rushing things toward marriage in a hormone-blinded rage. And those aren't as obvious and easy-to-spot as they sound! If you jump in too fast, get married, find out it's wrong, and then need a divorce... well, that would mean the "wait until marriage" ship has sailed.

Putting off sex chronologically is not a worthwhile decision unless you can also put it off psychologically. Not saying you can't, but I'm saying it can sneak up on you, so be wary!

Very very true. One of the most important things in a relationship is sexual compatibility, if you don't have it the relationship is almost always doomed to fail.

Deviate:

I do have to say I think you're missing out, though. The longer you go without sex and the fewer partners you have in life, you'll find yourself less good in bed. I couldn't even imagine entering a relationship with a virgin at this point, especially a long-term/life relationship, quite simply because life is far too short for mediocre sex.

Speak for yourself, I was good my first time

Lara Crigger:
Dear Love FAQ,

I'm an adult, and I've never had sex. To be honest, I'm fine with that. For many reasons, I want to wait until I'm married to do so.

However, I'm constantly told that sex is part of a normal boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic, and that I'm "doomed to fail" if I do this. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Full Health Bar

Dear Full Health Bar,

Find someone who believes as you do, and then not have sex together.

Then tell everyone else to shut the hell up and quit judging you. It's none of their business anyway.

While it's not inherently a bad advice she gives here, i would have added that the chance of finding someone who wants to be with you is decreasingly slim if that is your approach to sex.

I think quoting David DeAngelo is appropriate here:

I have read some interesting research that shows that women have a few main categories in their minds in which they slot men.

These are:
1) Not interested at all.
2) Interested as a friend.
3) Interested in a long-term relationship.
4) Interested in a sexual relationship.

Here's the interesting part: If a woman sees a man as a good potential 'long-term' mate, she'll usually hold back the sex.

On the other hand, if she gets sexually involved with a man, she'll usually still be open to a long-term relationship.

Most men who want sex make the mistake of doing things like taking women to dinner, buying them gifts, and being romantic. This behavior triggers the "Hey, this guy is good long-term material" category in the woman's mind, and they hold back sex.

But if a man does things to turn a woman on earlier in the game and she gets sexually involved, he can choose where he wants the relationship to go. Are you with me on this one?

Unless his problems with sex is because of religious reasons (in which case i won't recommend otherwise, although i doubt it since he is actually enough in doubt to write the LoveFAQ), I'd simply advice him to get over his reasons and just get on with it. He'll be happier for it, and a lot faster than the celibate approach.

I can't tell him to do it, but i sure as hell can recommend it.

artanis_neravar:
Speak for yourself, I was good my first time

While you might have been good in bed on your first time (or you might think you were, who knows), it doesn't mean everyone else is. My first time was horrible, and I'm glad i got better.

"Speak for yourself" works both ways. What works for you might not work for everyone else.

The first story i'm going through as we speak. For 2 months after my breakup I tried to stay friends with my ex but time and time again she threw me to the wayside. I'd be engaged in a conversation with her and if the guy she liked showed up and completely ignored me, mid sentence, and walked away to chase after him. Same if a friend of hers showed up. History or not, you just don't do that to people while they're talking. It pissed me off to such a point and I cut all ties. Facebook, Twitter, Skype, phone. I still see her at the University and I keep it as simple as a "Hello" and if we do talk I keep it very shallow and get bored easily enough that she gets the clue to walk away. I'm much happier now.

I'll try to keep this short, but I really like most of this article.

On #1: Absolutely great advice. The ex who treats you like a resource and doesn't do anything for you in return has ceased to care about you or your feelings.

#2: Communication! If you don't like something about your relationship with somebody, by all means speak up! The sooner the better, too. Use tact, use diplomacy, be understanding, but voice your opinions. Odds are excellent that the other person is not annoying you on purpose but doesn't know their behavior bothers you.

#3: Erm. Lots of responses in the comments thread here, not sure if they're all helpful. Pro tip: high pressure is a bad thing to combine with sex. Pressuring people not to have sex or to have sex will pretty much always make things scary and will rarely have the desired effect.

That being said, it's your body and your sex life. Sex is the best. But if you're not ready for it, it can also be awful (and yes boys, that can include you too). My recommendation: don't let any authority figure AT ALL or anyone else tell you when the right time in your life to have sex is or whether or not you should. Caveat: always make sure you have your partner's permission of course.

Personally, I think the advice this week was really solid. I'd recommend it fully to anyone who is reading it.

She hits a lot of good points. For #1, Lara is correct in that you are being used. Like she said, it's emotionally tough to get out of because it's unfamiliar and feels like you're going upstream; but you really need to stand firm and assure yourself that it's definitely the right choice in the long run (do it exactly as she states; keep the drama low, keep the interactions civil and short as possible).

The reason why #2 is helpful too is because she hits a very important point. First off:

I wouldn't worry much - I'm kind of like that too. I can't speak for the dude in the letter, but I can in my case a lot of it is that I don't like bothering people when they don't want to be bothered so I tend to let people start conversations with me, unless there's something I specifically want to talk about it or ask.

This mentality is actually more common than you think. Lara is correct in saying that talking about issues openly is many times the best solution (a golden rule generally). I had a friend who used to be like this, until he hit a 'revelation' (someone told him) that people actually liked him calling them. Originally he thought it'd be more 'polite' to only receive calls (he probably assumes that you call him whenever you want, and when you don't, you're too busy with something else)

That part about going into convulsions just at the thought of calling in a pizza - that's literally me. My hands would shake just holding the phone. For pizza. (I'm sure it confused the hell out of my dad.) Took me years to get over it (I attribute a lot of that to going away to college, having to fend entirely for myself, and having amazing friends who broke me out of my shell.

But I know from experience: sometimes the scariest thing you can imagine is hitting that last digit without hanging up.

A women like that gets ignored in my book. My free time is going to be spent helping you so then your douchbag of a boyfriend can swoop in and get all the benefits, what a deal. To be fair, the guy sounds like a moron for not being able to figure this out on his own.

The first guy seriously needs to ditch that bitch.

The second person has probably just found herself in a relationship where the other person is really cautious and is stepping carefully so as not to lose her (or is it a him?) Anyway, best to confront this now.

And third person - I like the answer to this. Short, blunt, and to the point. No dancing around the bush. Seriously, how could anyone tell you how a relationship should go?

Athinira:

artanis_neravar:
Speak for yourself, I was good my first time

(or you might think you were, who knows)

If you can't tell when your woman(man?) is orgasming then...something about not having sex, I'm not really sure what I meant to write after that I'm kind of drunk.

antipunt:

This mentality is actually more common than you think. Lara is correct in saying that talking about issues openly is many times the best solution (a golden rule generally). I had a friend who used to be like this, until he hit a 'revelation' (someone told him) that people actually liked him calling them. Originally he thought it'd be more 'polite' to only receive calls (he probably assumes that you call him whenever you want, and when you don't, you're too busy with something else)

Indeed, I used to be this way, In fact I still kind of am. In fact I still have trouble talking to my crush (outside of in person or course) because I'm constantly analyzing everything I think about saying. And for the last part, the girl i am crushign on is overly polite, aka won't quite her job at target without 2 weeks notice because it's "impolite".

DugMachine:
The first story i'm going through as we speak. For 2 months after my breakup I tried to stay friends with my ex but time and time again she threw me to the wayside. I'd be engaged in a conversation with her and if the guy she liked showed up and completely ignored me, mid sentence, and walked away to chase after him. Same if a friend of hers showed up. History or not, you just don't do that to people while they're talking. It pissed me off to such a point and I cut all ties. Facebook, Twitter, Skype, phone. I still see her at the University and I keep it as simple as a "Hello" and if we do talk I keep it very shallow and get bored easily enough that she gets the clue to walk away. I'm much happier now.

My ex expected me to 1. talk her through going out with her new guy ( only a month after we broke up), 2. still deal with all of her drama, 3. focus all of my attention on her even when I was dealing with things myself (like my grandfather dying)

To number 3, I'd say this; the advice given to you was good. But don't underestimate the power sex can have. I'm in a relationship right now and we love each other. As far as I was concerned, I could have been with her forever without needing sex (not to say I didn't want it, lord knows I did, but it was not a priority). And then we had sex and it was better for both of us than either of us could have imagined.

My point is, really examine why you want to go without sex. If it's just so you can pat yourself on the back for being a virgin, I'd advise you to reconsider. It's far too important a part of a relationship to skip just because.

Number 2 sounds like me.

When I was with my girlfriend for almost two years we talked on the phone maybe 3 times, all of which initiated by her. She respected the fact that I'm not comfortable on the phone and kept it as a means of emergency contact only. This was probably hard on her cause she was the sort that could spend hours on the phone for fun.

artanis_neravar:
If you can't tell when your woman(man?) is orgasming then...something about not having sex, I'm not really sure what I meant to write after that I'm kind of drunk.

Oh please, this is like people trying to tell you that they are good at telling when a person is lying, when in fact it's proven that most people are only capable of doing that accurately 54% of the time.

I'm just going to simply say that:
1) You can always get cheated, unless she literally comes so hard it's unmistakeable
2) You're not as good at this as you think you are. No-one is.

To: Tired of Being Nice,
I have nothing to say. Lara said everything perfectly.

To: Health Bar,
The best way to go is just to ignore all those people who are telling you that you're gonna fail. You're not going to fail, no worries. And kudos to you, man.

Athinira:

artanis_neravar:
If you can't tell when your woman(man?) is orgasming then...something about not having sex, I'm not really sure what I meant to write after that I'm kind of drunk.

Oh please, this is like people trying to tell you that they are good at telling when a person is lying, when in fact it's proven that most people are only capable of doing that accurately 54% of the time.

I'm just going to simply say that:
1) You can always get cheated, unless she literally comes so hard it's unmistakeable
2) You're not as good at this as you think you are. No-one is.

1) It is a physical reaction so the signs are there if you care to look for them, and unless you are preforming poorly and she is no longer aroused, chances are she isn't going to be in the right frame of mind for that kind of deception.

2) Or some people are exactly as good as they say they are because they are honest with themselves about what they are good at and what they aren't

It is nice to see Crigger not making up stuff about the people who write in nor insulting them for supposedly being guilty of the things she makes up about them. A vast improvement over the last couple of columns.

I like that everyone is saying #1 is a "doormat." The reality of the situation is that there are other people involved (the rest of the school), and looking like he's suddenly being a dick to her may have repercussions far beyond their situation.

I've certainly known people who ran businesses that have had them run into the ground by a vengeful ex. I'm not saying she's going to take this to that level, but I'm quite certain that's in the back of his mind.

Add to that the fact that he'll suddenly be treating her like a complete stranger in front of others at the school who may be attending based on their view of him, and she's not the only one he has to worry about taking things the wrong way.

There's a further factor here that may need to be considered: Did he *ASK* her to go to the ER with him? I have a few friends that, while they certainly won't just call me up and see if I need anything, are happy to help -- if I ask them.

RvLeshrac:
I like that everyone is saying #1 is a "doormat." The reality of the situation is that there are other people involved (the rest of the school), and looking like he's suddenly being a dick to her may have repercussions far beyond their situation.

I've certainly known people who ran businesses that have had them run into the ground by a vengeful ex. I'm not saying she's going to take this to that level, but I'm quite certain that's in the back of his mind.

Add to that the fact that he'll suddenly be treating her like a complete stranger in front of others at the school who may be attending based on their view of him, and she's not the only one he has to worry about taking things the wrong way.

There's a further factor here that may need to be considered: Did he *ASK* her to go to the ER with him? I have a few friends that, while they certainly won't just call me up and see if I need anything, are happy to help -- if I ask them.

There's no reason for Mr. nice judo master to be so rigorous about it. A complete uncommunicated cutoff? That's really callous and unnecesary. It's like taking chemo radiation for a common cold.

Mr. tired of being nice, you already have the answers. You need to accept that you should learn to say no and this is a great opportunity to practice and learn.

Become a better man. Tell HER what you wrote: "I'm (tired of) getting the shit-end of the stick".

"Am I right to think I'm being used?" Yes.

"How can I get out of this?" Learn to say no.

Until you start taking yourself serious as valuable person, she (and others) won't readily either.

I want a follow up on Nice to hear how that worked out for him.

It's sound advice.

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