Love FAQ: Sex Doesn't Just Happen

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Sex Doesn't Just Happen

You might want to stop getting laid for a little while.

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Lara Crigger:
Sex Doesn't Just Happen

You might want to stop getting laid for a little while.

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For Can't Think Straight:

The answer to this is one you have to figure out for yourself. And the reason I say that is because it is incredibly important. While we see scientific evidence that a portion of our sexual orientation is genetically determined, and other parts are genetically predisposed (not the same as determined), there are also emotional/psychological factors.

There's no formula, but you're going to hear aaaall about them. There are no "signs," but you're going to hear aaaaaaall about those, too. Understand that if you introduce this to friends, the biggest thing to fear is not the folks that will be angry/mean about it -- they're just showing their true colors and saving you a ton of time in learning whether or not they're worth your effort -- but rather the people who are... well... a little too "supportive" one way or the other.

You're about to introduce novelty into their social circle, and whoooooboy do people love to fiddle around with anything novel! Not only is it entertaining (since they don't have to deal directly with any consequences), it provides some of them a place to "safely" try out their own curiosities by convincing someone else to take the risk for them. Take your time with this "decision" or "realization" or however you personally choose to frame it. Do not let yourself be pushed or pulled. Try things on your terms, and yours alone. Even the right path, traveled for the wrong reasons, can become the wrong path very quickly.

So, while Lara is quite right to caution you against caving to the judgment of others, I'd also caution you to be careful with the encouragement of others as well.

Man that first one...it does kind of sound that they don't like his sex lol as for the last one...it's never easy...doubt it ever will

For Can't Think Straight.

Simply, don't deny your feelings, whatever they may be, towards guys, girls, nothing or anything. Repressing your feelings only leads you to being an emotionally repressed individual. If you like this guy, get close to him, ask him out and see what happens, and maybe you can confirm whatever it is you're going through.

Good luck :) *hug*

Josue Rodriguez:
Man that first one...it does kind of sound that they don't like his sex lol as for the last one...it's never easy...doubt it ever will

Sure, but using that to break up means that sex was all the relationship meant to them to begin with. Some things like intelligence and sense of humour can't be worked on, but getting better at sex with a particular partner involves experience and communication with them. If the girls wanted something more than just casual fun, they wouldn't freak out that his is no cassanova and would be willing to work at it.

I was virgin before my last girlfriend, so sex was terrible from my end. After a year working on it, I know her body with my eyes closed and she considers me the best she's had. If she didn't care about me, she wouldn't have stuck around, just like the above girls.

As for the letter writer, as someone who finds more sexual pleasure in commitment and relationship than sex (though I do enjoy it), I can completely empathize. Many girls will never understand because they have a sexist view of what guys are like, and the idea that you want sex AFTER an emotional connection will confuse them and convince them that you're gay. You have to find someone who actually wants what you do, but its tough when they lie to you so they can seem more feminine (they recognize that many guys have a sexist view of girls, so even if they want to be slutty they will pretend to "want it slow").

Is there an easy way to tell if a girl is being flirtatious, or is just being nice?

Thanks,
Emotionally Illiterate

Yes. Ask her out. Nothing answers a question quite like trial and error.

And make sure it's clear you're asking her out on a date, not just to hang out.

I don't necessarily agree with the first response - my last relationship last some seven years and it was very physical to start with, in fact, it was pretty much it - she knew I had a girlfriend already and we were up to some mischievous fun. It's the longest relationship I've had (given I'm 30) and we only split up due to a pretty big difference of opinion on marriage and children, I saw her only yesterday (having broke up 9 month ago) and we fell straight back in to our old routine, we would be perfect together if I actually ever wanted to have a child or could see what the point of getting married is when neither of us are religious.

(her point of view is it's a special day to declare our love for each other to the world - I didn't see the need to limit that to just one day and shouted my love for her from the rooftops daily, but the big sticking point was the nipper)

All in a relationship initially based on sexual gratification.

Three to four weeks for sex? If you're Amish...

Seriously, I think there might be more in play here than was in the letter. Do you suddenly turn into Mr. Relationship after sex? Planning marriages, naming kids, calling her parents Mom and Dad, etc? I think that's more likely to scare someone away than having early sex, or even bad sex.

Stop putting such a strong ephasis on sex. It's just another fun activity. Yes, it's better with someone you love, but EVERYTHING is better with someone you love. That's why you love them...

For what it's worth, I'm sorry that the world's going to suck for awhile, and that some quarters of it will never truly be receptive or understanding of where you're coming from. But as so many have said before me, it does get better. High school sucks for everyone-gay, straight, bi, alien from Mars. So just hold on. Wait it out. You'll see.

hold on there now, dont give that kid the impression that life somehow gets better after high school, because it doesnt

high school sucks, collage sucks (if your doing it right anyway), work sucks, life in general sucks, and then you die, and if there is one, i bet thats going to suck too

i hear that retirement is kinda nice... so theres that, i guess

anyway the point is, theres no point in worrying about silly things as to your sexuality, you like what you like, and theres nothing wrong with that
we all suck anyway so just decide weather you want to ask this guy out or not and move on

kreekgod:

For what it's worth, I'm sorry that the world's going to suck for awhile, and that some quarters of it will never truly be receptive or understanding of where you're coming from. But as so many have said before me, it does get better. High school sucks for everyone-gay, straight, bi, alien from Mars. So just hold on. Wait it out. You'll see.

hold on there now, dont give that kid the impression that life somehow gets better after high school, because it doesnt

high school sucks, collage sucks (if your doing it right anyway), work sucks, life in general sucks, and then you die, and if there is one, i bet thats going to suck too

I'd like to give a counter-viewpoint.

For me, high school and middle school were both terrible beyond belief. Just awful and torturous and bad.

Then I left high school.
Joined the Army, parts of that sucked, parts of that were awesome.
Then I lived in Germany and taught English at a language school...and that was just completely awesome.
Then I went to college at the age of 25...it was a lot of hard work, but I chose a major that I loved (Music Composition and German Studies)...and I loved college. I had such a great time.
Then I went to grad school--chosen carefully to match my interests and to be challenging. I went through my personal transition, had a great set of fellow grad students, had amazing professors, has the best advisor ever...and I had a great time. In Los Angeles with great weather, living not far from the beach, researching Weimar Germany, and studying music that I love. Just awesome.
Now I have a job as a professor at a great university. I'm making good money and life is good. It is crazy busy and I'm overworked (that's life pre-tenure) but it doesn't suck...it is just hard right now. But all the things I'm doing are things that I love and that are important to me. I have a great relationship with my family and life is good.

So I disagree that everything always sucks.

Now, I generally have a positive outlook on life so I don't see suckiness everywhere. When I was stationed in South Korea up by the border I saw two types of people: those who thought it sucked to be there, who would drink a lot, and stay in their barracks or in the bars or on the phone calling home. And then people like me. Was it tough? Yes. Was it dangerous and stressful? Yes. Were there some moments that sucked? Sure. But I took the amazing opportunity of being in a foreign country. That part of Korea was beautiful, so I'd go hiking and enjoy nature. I would go out an meet Koreans and get to know them and learn new things. I joined the Soldier Show and got to perform in an Army band across the DMZ area. I made great friends, had great romances (and some heartbreaks, too). I grew so much and saw so much...and really it was a great time...even with the threat of death looming.

Sampler:
could see what the point of getting married is when neither of us are religious.

Tax laws, Hospital visiting rights, power of attorney, etc

kreekgod:

For what it's worth, I'm sorry that the world's going to suck for awhile, and that some quarters of it will never truly be receptive or understanding of where you're coming from. But as so many have said before me, it does get better. High school sucks for everyone-gay, straight, bi, alien from Mars. So just hold on. Wait it out. You'll see.

hold on there now, dont give that kid the impression that life somehow gets better after high school, because it doesnt

high school sucks, collage sucks (if your doing it right anyway), work sucks, life in general sucks, and then you die, and if there is one, i bet thats going to suck too

i hear that retirement is kinda nice... so theres that, i guess

anyway the point is, theres no point in worrying about silly things as to your sexuality, you like what you like, and theres nothing wrong with that
we all suck anyway so just decide weather you want to ask this guy out or not and move on

College doesn't suck if you do it right. You go for something you enjoy, and you will enjoy learning about it. Same thing for a job, do something you enjoy and it won't suck.

The Deadpool:
Three to four weeks for sex? If you're Amish...

Seriously, I think there might be more in play here than was in the letter. Do you suddenly turn into Mr. Relationship after sex? Planning marriages, naming kids, calling her parents Mom and Dad, etc? I think that's more likely to scare someone away than having early sex, or even bad sex.

Stop putting such a strong ephasis on sex. It's just another fun activity. Yes, it's better with someone you love, but EVERYTHING is better with someone you love. That's why you love them...

Just because you don't put a lot of stock into sex doesn't mean other people don't. I for one won't have sex with someone unless I'm in love

kreekgod:

For what it's worth, I'm sorry that the world's going to suck for awhile, and that some quarters of it will never truly be receptive or understanding of where you're coming from. But as so many have said before me, it does get better. High school sucks for everyone-gay, straight, bi, alien from Mars. So just hold on. Wait it out. You'll see.

hold on there now, dont give that kid the impression that life somehow gets better after high school, because it doesnt

high school sucks, collage sucks (if your doing it right anyway), work sucks, life in general sucks, and then you die, and if there is one, i bet thats going to suck too

My life has gotten tremendously better. And college only sucks if you're doing it wrong!

Sampler:

All in a relationship initially based on sexual gratification.

Well, if *all* you want out of your relationship is sexual gratification, there's no reason why a relationship based on sexual gratification can't be long-term.

If you honestly think 3-4 weeks into a relationship is too quick, you're off your chops. EVERYONE I personally know in a relationship started having sex within 2 weeks, the only person who didnt was me with my Ex, taking 4 months because we were virgins (and she had trust issues which I wont go into detail as it's a long story)

As for High School, is doesdn't always get better, in alot of situations it gets worse as there's the pressure to find a job and be financially secure, something that a good 80% of school leavers get fucked over by because of the workforce globally assuming our generation is full of lazy good-for-nothings.

Yes. Ask her out. Nothing answers a question quite like trial and error.

You don't think that would be embarrassing for a guy?

EverythingIncredible:

Yes. Ask her out. Nothing answers a question quite like trial and error.

You don't think that would be embarrassing for a guy?

Asking a girl out? or getting rejected?

Ziadaine:
If you honestly think 3-4 weeks into a relationship is too quick, you're off your chops. EVERYONE I personally know in a relationship started having sex within 2 weeks, the only person who didnt was me with my Ex, taking 4 months because we were virgins (and she had trust issues which I wont go into detail as it's a long story)

As for High School, is doesdn't always get better, in alot of situations it gets worse as there's the pressure to find a job and be financially secure, something that a good 80% of school leavers get fucked over by because of the workforce globally assuming our generation is full of lazy good-for-nothings.

And everyone I know wait at least two months

artanis_neravar:
Asking a girl out? or getting rejected?

Getting rejected.

I've seen girls actually berate guys for asking them out when they were apparently "clearly not interested."

EverythingIncredible:

artanis_neravar:
Asking a girl out? or getting rejected?

Getting rejected.

I've seen girls actually berate guys for asking them out when they were apparently "clearly not interested."

Very true, that can be humiliating, but it's a chance you have to take, unless of course someone has a mind reading device, which I would love to have access too

artanis_neravar:

EverythingIncredible:

artanis_neravar:
Asking a girl out? or getting rejected?

Getting rejected.

I've seen girls actually berate guys for asking them out when they were apparently "clearly not interested."

Very true, that can be humiliating, but it's a chance you have to take, unless of course someone has a mind reading device, which I would love to have access too

Yeah, the column's advice is pretty spot on. Simple, but by far the most appropriate/potentially effective. It might hurt like hell, but much better than just hanging on a thread guessing for months (it hurts too). Oh, and if a girl does shit like that, you win either way (because you've just found out she's not worth your time)

JMeganSnow:

Sampler:

All in a relationship initially based on sexual gratification.

Well, if *all* you want out of your relationship is sexual gratification, there's no reason why a relationship based on sexual gratification can't be long-term.

Seven years is a long time for sexual gratification - what I'm saying is something special grew out of that, something that wouldn't have occurred without those early lustful days, something that will stay with me and honestly will become the future baseline standard for anyone to measure up to, which isn't really fair on them as it's a tough act to follow but that's human nature I guess...

....that's advice?

Isn't that stapled into everyone's 'relationship' handbook they get at school, along with a free condom and a note about STD prevention?

antipunt:

artanis_neravar:

EverythingIncredible:

Getting rejected.

I've seen girls actually berate guys for asking them out when they were apparently "clearly not interested."

Very true, that can be humiliating, but it's a chance you have to take, unless of course someone has a mind reading device, which I would love to have access too

Yeah, the column's advice is pretty spot on. Simple, but by far the most appropriate/potentially effective. It might hurt like hell, but much better than just hanging on a thread guessing for months (it hurts too). Oh, and if a girl does shit like that, you win either way (because you've just found out she's not worth your time)

Indeed the ideal response to a girl acting like that would be something along the lines of "Oh, I didn't realize you were a bitch, I take my invitation back" and walk away. But it is rather difficult to come up with something like that when you are shocked

Lara Crigger:
As for your other concern, it's not a hard and fast rule, but generally when two people have sex after just a few days or weeks of knowing each other, it indicates their relationship will be more casual and short-lived

I'm sorry, but this is just such an incredible... american response. The idea that the amount of time you allow to happen between getting to know someone and when you have sex as some sort of textbook guide as to how serious your relationship is going to be is so incredible puritan and puerile, I don't see how anyone is going to take this advice seriously.

Your relationship is defined by the quality of your conversations, and the quality of your silences, and nothing else. If the sex sucks, it's probably going to get in the way, and it's probably the guy's fault. But beyond that, please ignore the incredibly juvenile response of miss Lara and enjoy your own sexual impulses as you see fit.

There is no reason that love can't spring from an early sexual encounter, and don't let any conservative tell you different.

MatsVS:

Lara Crigger:
As for your other concern, it's not a hard and fast rule, but generally when two people have sex after just a few days or weeks of knowing each other, it indicates their relationship will be more casual and short-lived

I'm sorry, but this is just such an incredible... american response. The idea that the amount of time you allow to happen between getting to know someone and when you have sex as some sort of textbook guide as to how serious your relationship is going to be is so incredible puritan and puerile, I don't see how anyone is going to take this advice seriously.

Your relationship is defined by the quality of your conversations, and the quality of your silences, and nothing else. If the sex sucks, it's probably going to get in the way, and it's probably the guy's fault. But beyond that, please ignore the incredibly juvenile response of miss Lara and enjoy your own sexual impulses as you see fit.

There is no reason that love can't spring from an early sexual encounter, and don't let any conservative tell you different.

You are calling her response "American" (which is extremely offensive by the way) yet you are throwing around insults because your views differ from hers. Also, bad sex is just as much the "fault" of the girl as it is the guy.

I'm really not a fan of your advice.

Regarding your advice to Mr. Instant Gratification:

I don't think the sex was the problem. I think the problem was that he entered into a relationship expecting one thing, and was limited to "fun." The relationship, in that case, would have been "only fun" regardless of whether or not MIG had sex with the woman in question or not. The way he described it, it was an a priori decision.

And you know what? It sucks. But she wasn't clear about her intentions up front, not this guy. There's nothing wrong with having sex a month into a relationship. A relationship's whatever the two people involved make it. The only advice I can think of for MIG is to ask the girl of her intentions and define what the relationship means to her. Find out what the relationship means to her, so it's not an awful surprise.

Guy gets laid without even trying and is COMPLAINING about it!?

I have something for him:
Smiley face

"As for your other concern, it's not a hard and fast rule, but generally when two people have sex after just a few days or weeks of knowing each other, it indicates their relationship will be more casual and short-lived."

That is total BS. Who the hell dates a woman for over a month without getting laid? I can understand a month, some women need that time to develop the emotional closeness, but I would wager at least half of couples are sleeping with each other in the first 30 days.

Basically I would go talk to some of those girls and ask if they liked the sex or if there were any problems with it. I had one girlfriend tell me about a guy she was interested in before we started dating. She said they were fooling around to the point where genitals were brought out. Well God wasn't kind when he handed out this poor man's penis b/c apparently it was very small, just 5 inches. She said she lost all interest in him at that point. Sexual compatibility is important to women too.

There's no steadfast rule for when to have, or not have, sex to guarantee a lasting relationship. I have a co-worker who was introduced to a fellow as a prospective husband. They spent a total of one week together before he went home to New Zealand. 6 months later, she went down to see him for 2 weeks, had a GREAT time *wink wink*, and came home engaged. They're quite happy.

On the flipside, I knew my fiance a year before we started dating, and another year before we 'hooked up'. We've been together 8 years now. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different.

At best, our oversexed friend should make his intentions clear- if not from day one, then at least when she starts taking her pants off... "there's no need to rush. I want this to be a serious relationship." Maybe she'll agree. Maybe you'll sleep together anyway. At least you'll know she doesn't have the wrong idea.

I don't think miss Crigger answered the first question at all. He wants to know what's going wrong and why those girls are treating him that way, and yet she seems to be blaming him for...something? I don't know, it barely makes sense to me.

It's painfully obvious that most people responding to this thread are still way too young (either physically or emotionally) to be in relationships or have actual, REAL experiences on that front. From ridiculous comments like "who dates a girl over a month without getting laid?" to stories about women running away due to penis size, the whole thread reads like a high school year book written by angry, pent up jocks who've got something to prove about their own dwindling masculinity.

FarleShadow:
....that's advice?

Isn't that stapled into everyone's 'relationship' handbook they get at school, along with a free condom and a note about STD prevention?

More or less...but then it's there for a reason, it bears repeating.

Lara Crigger:
Dear Gratification,

If you want to take things slow, then stop putting out. Sex doesn't just happen. It requires two people. So find some willpower, and just say no.

As for your other concern, it's not a hard and fast rule, but generally when two people have sex after just a few days or weeks of knowing each other, it indicates their relationship will be more casual and short-lived. For many people, sex is a way to take a relationship to the next level, a step only undertaken once they've gotten to know each other fairly well. But how well can you really know someone in just three or four weeks?

Sex can't build a connection or forge a relationship when there isn't one. The best it can do is solidify and strengthen what's already there.

If no-strings sex is what you want, then fantastic-you've already got the recipe. But if you want something more intimate or long-lived, then you won't find it until you build a relationship with someone before you sleep with them, rather than expecting it to work the other way around.

One last point-and I don't say this to be cruel-but generally, people can tell when their partner isn't into sex, because it shows in his or her performance. And if the ladies you're bringing home are only interested in casual sex-well, what's the point of sticking around with someone who isn't enjoying it?

Again, I recommend holding off on sex until your relationship is ready. Once you take the time to build a real relationship with someone, you might find your connection will improve, both in and out of the bedroom.

Short answer: No.

Just. No.

Sex is rarely something you use to take a relationship to a next level. Sex is the first indication if two people can actually LAST together. In short, most of the time sex is the FIRST step in building a successful relationship, not "getting to know each other". Successful relationships starts with attraction and from there real feelings develop. And since attraction equals potential sex while feelings equal potential relationship, the natural way to start out IS with sex. You don't spend weeks developing feelings (relationship) and THEN develop attraction (sex). You simply don't.

And most importantly, if you don't show enthusiasm during sex with a woman you are interested in, then how can she honestly expect you to show enthusiasm in a relationship as well? Sex is a great indicator of how much energy your partner is willing to invest in the relationship, so if you aren't showing some passion there, then your partner is going to assume that your passion for her (or him, if you were a girl) just doesn't exist, and she will lose interest.

I hate to pull this card, but for once i feel that this column being written by a woman is the problem with an advice such as this being given, which saddens me, because 90% of the time, it's actually otherwise great advice.

The feeling i get is that "Gratification" is in kinda the same situation as someone who wants a great looking body, but doesn't really want to work out in center. Bottom line is that you have to work for it, and that means working out, even if you don't like it. You can't just skip a fundamental step and expect it to work out that way.

Instead of trying to follow her advice, here is MY advice: Start going into sex with some enthusiasm. Not only might you eventually find that you like it, but it's a way to keep the attraction going, and once you find a girl that develops feelings for you WHILE you keep the attraction alive, you have a recipe for a great relationship that will last. But remember, attraction develops before feelings, so YOU have to work to keep the attraction alive until that happens.

Sure, that might mean that you will have to go through sex with some girls that you might not end up with anyway, but i also had to go through a lot of training sessions before i could see my muscles develop. It's just how it works (most of the time). But most importantly: ENTHUSIASM.

Incidentally, I'm going to post this David DeAngelo quote here for the 185474389679386th time on these forums, because once again it's appropriate:

I have read some interesting research that shows that women have a few main categories in their minds in which they slot men.

These are:
1) Not interested at all.
2) Interested as a friend.
3) Interested in a long-term relationship.
4) Interested in a sexual relationship.

Here's the interesting part: If a woman sees a man as a good potential 'long-term' mate, she'll usually hold back the sex.

On the other hand, if she gets sexually involved with a man, she'll usually still be open to a long-term relationship.

Most men who want sex make the mistake of doing things like taking women to dinner, buying them gifts, and being romantic. This behavior triggers the "Hey, this guy is good long-term material" category in the woman's mind, and they hold back sex.

But if a man does things to turn a woman on earlier in the game and she gets sexually involved, he can choose where he wants the relationship to go. Are you with me on this one?

By the above recipe... you are actually doing things the RIGHT way. All you have to do is show the girl that you also really want this (your first opportunity being sex), and there is a much greater chance that the interest will stay alive.

On the other hand, should you find a girl who is actually held back around sex, then great!! It's not impossible, but as your experience shows, it just rarely works that way if you are a sexy attractive male specimen who turn women on ;-) Not everyone have that advantage, so enjoy it instead of wasting it!

EDIT: Nevermind. I should prolly just keep my opinions to myself. Sorry to bother.

Athinira:

Sex is rarely something you use to take a relationship to a next level. Sex is the first indication if two people can actually LAST together. In short, most of the time sex is the FIRST step in building a successful relationship, not "getting to know each other". Successful relationships starts with attraction and from there real feelings develop. And since attraction equals potential sex while feelings equal potential relationship, the natural way to start out IS with sex. You don't spend weeks developing feelings (relationship) and THEN develop attraction (sex). You simply don't.

Calling some major bullshit on this one. Well, me and millions of others who would prove this theory wrong. There is NO certain formula to how these things work and people are fall for one another in many, many different ways. For some, having sex early can easily drop all interest because they've seen the unattainable as attractive and desirable. For others, it might take months to get up the nerve to be active sexually, even if the feelings are there.

What about couples who've fallen in love over the internet and haven't actually had physical contact until waaay later into the relationship? What about asexuals?

Face it, relationships and love are not as easy to box in and ship out as you want to make them appear.

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