Love FAQ: Sex Doesn't Just Happen

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SpiderJerusalem:
Calling some major bullshit on this one.Well, me and millions of others who would prove this theory wrong.

And even more have proven it right. That's why i said "rarely". And even the people who have proven it wrong, those relationships have a higher tendency towards cheating, because if just ONE of the partners want sex and the other doesn't, then guess what happens.

Listen, we're all different people, but some people have greater success with getting sex than others. When you have women who basically latch onto you at the first given opportunity they get, then you have to WORK with that and develop it into something further. If all you do is just show a lack of enthusiasm (whether you say no to sex, or just agree to it but reluctantly) then you aren't going to get anywhere.

For some, having sex early can easily drop all interest because they've seen the unattainable as attractive and desirable.

My experience tells me that in those cases, it's because the potential wasn't there to begin with, and it would NEVER have worked out. All you would have accomplished is postponing the inevitable. You see, if the desire for early sex (and by desire, i mean natural desires, no matter whether or not you're religious and your consciousness is trying to force that desire down) isn't there, it indicates a lack of attraction, and lack of attraction is a recipe for disaster.

This is probably the point where i should mention that all I'm saying here comes with the disclaimer "All rules have exceptions". But it's generally not a good idea to bet on the exception instead of the rule.

For others, it might take months to get up the nerve to be active sexually, even if the feelings are there.

...which is just like i said in my previous paragraph (although i used the word "Desire" rather than "Feelings").

If the DESIRE is there, then that means the ATTRACTION is there. Then it doesn't matter if you wait a bit because you have nerves (as long as the relationship survives the weeks where you attempt to gather it). The important things is just that it's there.

If it isn't, as it is clearly the case with Gratification, then it's going to show. Come to think of it, his case sounds very much like someone who isn't looking for love, but merely for the comfort of a female.

What about couples who've fallen in love over the internet and haven't actually had physical contact until waaay later into the relationship?

People looking for love on the internet (and by "looking for love" I'm talking about trying to use it as a serious solution, rather than just getting a couple of online-profiles to get in contact with hot women) are typically people who are desperate for someone to share their life with rather than desperate for someone to love, which is two different things. Maybe one or both of them have children, and they want to find a father/mother-figure for them etc. There can be many reasons, but most of the time, these people aren't truly in love. They're just happy to be together.

I'm not going to say that it's wrong doing it that way. If they are just looking for someone you can share your life and existence with and that's fulfilling enough for them, then by all means, i encourage them to get on board. But my point here is that if one part is looking for love, and the other part isn't (even if they're trying to convince themself they are), then it just doesn't mix, and this is ESPECIALLY true in a case like Gratification if my gut feeling about him just looking for comfort is right. In that case, he isn't looking for love, and I'm not sure he is even looking for an actual relationship. He just wants comfort.

Edit: I should probably splice in here and mention that meeting your love online isn't impossible, but people who directly "fall in love over the internet" rarely truly fell in love. It's those I'm talking about.

Face it, relationships and love are not as easy to box in and ship out as you want to make them appear.

Relationships aren't, but love most certainly is. The reason some people might not think it is, is because they confuse "love" with things that aren't love at all, and that is why we have stuff like the Love FAQ in the first place: To help them sort things out! :o)

I still find it easy to just stay a virgin, to many kids are getting std's and to many kids are depressed because of bad relationships. I am the happiest person in my group of friends because all my friends are in or are just out of horrible relationships, that were mostly sex based.

Marcus Kehoe:
I still find it easy to just stay a virgin, to many kids are getting std's and to many kids are depressed because of bad relationships. I am the happiest person in my group of friends because all my friends are in or are just out of horrible relationships, that were mostly sex based.

doesnt sound healthy bro. i guess whatever works for you is fine, but be sure not to dismiss relationships altoghether, cause what else is there to live for?

Id also vote for "sex before going deeper", no pun intended...or maybe it is.
Had the same experience and it proved to be quite reliable.

Crigger's reaction to "Can't think straight" was truly a breath of fresh air. This is the quality of advice I have been waiting to see come out of her column since she began it. There was no judgement, no condescension, just an honest attempt to provide help to someone. She even provided some external resources. All around great job.

I would encourage her to put that sort of effort into every response. While it is very true that people who don't act hetero-normative often get a raw deal in our culture, her comment was very correct according to my experience- "High school sucks for everyone-gay, straight, bi, alien from Mars. So just hold on." And for some people this suck continues past high school. So why not treat every person who writes in with that level of respect?

I also wanted to chime in and say that - at least among the people I know - a few weeks before you have sex is definitely not too early. Hell, one couple I know that's madly in love and has been together for six years had sex on their first date.

I know Lara was just generalizing, here, but there really is no hard and fast rule. You can have sex, but before you do you just need to make sure that they see the relationship actually turning into a relationship afterwards.

volX:

Marcus Kehoe:
I still find it easy to just stay a virgin, to many kids are getting std's and to many kids are depressed because of bad relationships. I am the happiest person in my group of friends because all my friends are in or are just out of horrible relationships, that were mostly sex based.

doesnt sound healthy bro. i guess whatever works for you is fine, but be sure not to dismiss relationships altoghether, cause what else is there to live for?

Id also vote for "sex before going deeper", no pun intended...or maybe it is.
Had the same experience and it proved to be quite reliable.

I don't dismiss relationships altogether, I just haven't met someone I like being around enough to date. If I date I want that person to be someone I could call a good friend first. I know no relationship is perfect and that not what I want, I just want a relationship that is great without sex and when it gets to that point sex will only make things better. I don't want a relationship based mostly on sex.

Satosuke:
Guy gets laid without even trying and is COMPLAINING about it!?

I have something for him:
Smiley face

Yeah, really. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?

Let me get the world's smallest cello out for you too. This is a god damn tragedy.

FarleShadow:
....that's advice?

Isn't that stapled into everyone's 'relationship' handbook they get at school, along with a free condom and a note about STD prevention?

There's a what now?

Got the condom and the std bit at school. Nobody ever explained jack all about relationships though. Unless you're talking about the what bit goes where stuff with the quotation marks there.

I'm a mess with relationships. Don't pick up on cues. Can't suss out if someone's serious or not. Heck, everybody but me knew about a girl that was in love with me during high-school for a year. I got a rose on Valentine's day but because the entire class laughed at me (they had an anonymous delivery service at my school) I thought it was someone pulling a prank on me. Nobody told me until two years later because everybody thought it was obvious.

There's been at least two more cases like that in my life.

Whenever anybody starts talking about socially awkward and then remarks he's married they should try my shoes for a sec.

Athinira:
If the DESIRE is there, then that means the ATTRACTION is there. Then it doesn't matter if you wait a bit because you have nerves (as long as the relationship survives the weeks where you attempt to gather it).

Of course, I will chime in with another exception. One can have sexual desire and attraction without being interested in a long term relationship.

I will admit that I am similar to the girl in Gratifications letter. I do tend to flirt a lot; hell, the phrase "take it slow" is not even in my vocabulary (however, unlike her, I'm very upfront with my intentions; if sex is the only thing I want, I'm going to tell you). I'm not a romantic person; haven't had a serious relationship in years (and with all of my friends facing relationship issues, I don't really care to initiate one at the moment either). Sex, to be, is a pleasurable activity, not a means to take a relationship to the next level or to gauge where a relationship stands (just because I'm enthusiastic sexually doesn't mean I want a relationship).

I'm not saying that other can't use sex to take a relationship to the next level. Just that not everyone feels that way (taking three steps into a club proves that much) and that sexual desire for a person doesn't always mean that the relationship is going to go any further than that.

Paragon Fury:

Satosuke:
Guy gets laid without even trying and is COMPLAINING about it!?

I have something for him:
Smiley face

Yeah, really. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?

Let me get the world's smallest cello out for you too. This is a god damn tragedy.

Spoken like a lonely, lonely teen on the internet.

Sex is awesome, but if you have sex and then get thrown aside - and you were expecting something more - it's not a fun situation to be in afterwards. Like I said in my previous post: I don't think the sex was the problem. The problem was he didn't know her intention was just sex.

I can see how that would hurt.

Paragon Fury:

Satosuke:
Guy gets laid without even trying and is COMPLAINING about it!?

I have something for him:
Smiley face

Yeah, really. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?

Let me get the world's smallest cello out for you too. This is a god damn tragedy.

Uh, that's a violin. You've never seen M*A*S*H or Reservoir Dogs before, have you?

kreekgod:

For what it's worth, I'm sorry that the world's going to suck for awhile, and that some quarters of it will never truly be receptive or understanding of where you're coming from. But as so many have said before me, it does get better. High school sucks for everyone-gay, straight, bi, alien from Mars. So just hold on. Wait it out. You'll see.

hold on there now, dont give that kid the impression that life somehow gets better after high school, because it doesnt

high school sucks, collage sucks (if your doing it right anyway), work sucks, life in general sucks, and then you die, and if there is one, i bet thats going to suck too

i hear that retirement is kinda nice... so theres that, i guess

anyway the point is, theres no point in worrying about silly things as to your sexuality, you like what you like, and theres nothing wrong with that
we all suck anyway so just decide weather you want to ask this guy out or not and move on

jesus..speak for yourself, we arnt all emo you know

highschool sucked but Im enjoying that I do now 100% more

suffering is the path to enlightenment. AKA getting rejected, recovering and learning from it. Its also the path of having one night stands learning from it and deciding what matters from what you've done. or whatever your particular path goes into. Sometimes you have to fail....alot and then you get lucky and find what or who you are looking for. The article's advice is good. honestly from my experience all parties involved must be 100% consenting or else its doomed to fail. Obviously people have many different opinions on how to attain happiness through sex and love but thats the point. once again finding the path to enlightenment also means forging your own way without the influence of others. BTW highschool isn't all its cracked up to be and college isn't either. Its how you use your time and energy that dictates your successes. I'd say the most important thing about life is showing up. After all thats half the battle. The rest is asking out the damn girl. Go for it or regret it. Those choices are yours to make whether they are simple or impossibly difficult.

Satosuke:

Paragon Fury:

Satosuke:
Guy gets laid without even trying and is COMPLAINING about it!?

I have something for him:
Smiley face

Yeah, really. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?

Let me get the world's smallest cello out for you too. This is a god damn tragedy.

Uh, that's a violin. You've never seen M*A*S*H or Reservoir Dogs before, have you?

I have.

I was saying I'll get the get the world's smallest cello too, so that we can have 1/2 of the world's smallest string quartet.

ThrobbingEgo:

Paragon Fury:

Satosuke:
Guy gets laid without even trying and is COMPLAINING about it!?

I have something for him:
Smiley face

Yeah, really. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?

Let me get the world's smallest cello out for you too. This is a god damn tragedy.

Spoken like a lonely, lonely teen on the internet.

Sex is awesome, but if you have sex and then get thrown aside - and you were expecting something more - it's not a fun situation to be in afterwards. Like I said in my previous post: I don't think the sex was the problem. The problem was he didn't know her intention was just sex.

I can see how that would hurt.

1: I'm not a teen.

2: Listening to him is kind of like listening to a dude complain that Starbucks got their lemonade iced tea wrong while you're stuck out in the desert for your 21st year.

when two people have sex after just a few days or weeks of knowing each other, it indicates their relationship will be more casual and short-lived.

Good grief.

My wife and I had sex on our first date. In January of 2000. Married in 2003. First kid in 2008. Second in 2011. Marriage going fine.

Let's just say this is not a hard and fast rule you seem to have invented.

kreekgod:
high school sucks, collage sucks (if your doing it right anyway), work sucks, life in general sucks

High School sucked at first, got better Senior year when the path out was clearer. First two years of college had a lot of painful learning experiences, but were overall great. Four years in the Air Force had a couple painful learning experiences, but was overall even better. Working a job I didn't like paid for a lot of fun things. Working a job I liked less to support us while my wife finished her degree was boring as I was at work or she was at school... but at least the WoW was good. Finishing my degree while she worked was fantastic - great classes and we were both home nights. Finally working at a job that I both love and that pays reasonably well is amazing beyond words. Life in general is awesome, though there are a few annoyances I am hopeful will fade with time.

artanis_neravar:

EverythingIncredible:

artanis_neravar:
Asking a girl out? or getting rejected?

Getting rejected.

I've seen girls actually berate guys for asking them out when they were apparently "clearly not interested."

Very true, that can be humiliating, but it's a chance you have to take, unless of course someone has a mind reading device, which I would love to have access too

That or you turn their angry tirade back on them by rather than looking humilliated, you give them a dissaproving stare, and say something along the lines of "Damn was I wrong about you"
or "I'll take that as a "no" then", if there's one thing that brought me from being afraid to ask any girl/woman out, to litterally approaching people in public and starting conversations and then getting phone numbers(on the bus, in the grocery store, mall, sometimes in the park) it was getting over the irrational fear of rejection and humiliation, after all, it doesn't harm you to be rejected, and when it comes down to it if you ask a girl out and she freaks out at you, isn't that just another sign that a relationship with her would be a BAAAAAD idea anyway?
Rejection is not a sign of whether or not you're acceptable, most times if a woman reacts in a highly negative way towards you it's a problem with HER, remember that.

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