My Love For You Is Ticking Clock

My Love For You Is Ticking Clock

Sometimes putting up the tent is the hardest part.

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Heh, my last girlfriend could have done with that sex advice for Trigger. While it wouldn't have saved our relationship, at least she would have stopped questioning herself so often. I'm not a sex initiator at all, and for a while she wouldn't initiate either because she was afraid that I might reject her because I found her unattractive. Even AFTER we had some conversations about it, she was still pretty hesitant. I wouldn't say I NEVER initiated though, but most of the time it was due to some kind of influence loosening my inhibitions. That, of course, made it look all the worse.

Of course, we also weren't very sexually compatible anyway (I was very boring when it came to sex - if it felt good, that's all that mattered, and she liked a variety of things but never suggested them, presumably because... she was afraid I wouldn't want to try them? who knows)

I guess I'm still stuck in the lingering fog of that relationship a little, but it's clearing up, and venting helps (as well as reading about other people with similar issues).

Very nice read this time. I actually expected some harsher critique for the last guy, but i guess beeing gentle isnt always wrong either.

And since the topic has already been brought up:
Yea its annoying that boys are supposed to be all sex-crazy, while girls are supposed to "play along" or something like that.
On the other hand most people who ever had a relationship will know that this is wrong. At least if there was some kind of communication between the partners.
Putting this into practice though, is quite another problem, i.e. making girls actually say what they want during sex...but yeah i guess thats ours(the guys) part to take care of then...sometimes tedious, but rewarding when successfull.

Berserker!
Just had to finish that.

It seems that a lot of these problems would be solved if everyone was just open and honest. Probably works out better for everyone.

...Did he just say making fuck?

I really like the answer to 21. It makes the answer to the person who wanted to avoid sex until marriage more clear, because it's about the relationship rather than the sex. In particular, that it's not the end of the world to date somebody with (manageable) problems, but it's best to pick the person with the right problems.

"He asks you for sex now because you're convenient and familiar, and because he believes you can't tell him no. If you don't mind being used for his cheap comfort, then, sure, go right ahead. But know this: Because you love him and he doesn't feel the same way, you might as well be fucking a ticking time bomb."

oh wow, that is a BOLD assumption.

There is no telling what this guy is thinking, he says he wants her as a "friend with benefits", but how did that come to discussion?
Who is to say he does'nt care about her anymore or this is his (deeply flawed) attempt at trying to get close again?
Or did he come right out like: "wanna be my booty call?".
did she tell him she missed him, or loved him, or did she leave it undiscussed?

so many variables.

also: "his cheap comfort"?
really?

I don't have anything constructive to say but the name "can't trigger the tent scene" just made me laugh out loud. I don't think being the initiator is a big problem though I can see how that might mess with your head.

Lara Crigger:
My Love For You Is Ticking Clock

Sometimes putting up the tent is the hardest part.

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To Mr. 21:

I'd have to ask a semi-honest, semi-rhetorical question here -- how is it that you think a person goes from being "naive" to being whatever you see as the opposite? Do you really believe people mature with age, rather than with experience?

I tell my middle school students this all the time: If you're not willing to do something while you're bad at it, you will never be good at it. Because experience (including failure) is what gets you from one side to the other.

It's easy to look at everyone else making mistakes, while you sit on the sidelines, and think, "Ha! I haven't made those mistakes!" True -- because you haven't done anything about it. You haven't avoided the mistakes because you're above them or immune to them, but because you haven't tried yet. Your mistakes are yet to come, and here's the hard truth: They're going to hit you harder, because you're older and now the stakes are higher.

Probably should've gotten all that out of the way when you were younger and it didn't really matter so much.

(Also, consider that 21-year-old women might shy away from a guy with no experience, because it basically means you're -- relationship-wise, at least -- a teenager.)

AbstractStream:
I don't have anything constructive to say but the name "can't trigger the tent scene" just made me laugh out loud. I don't think being the initiator is a big problem though I can see how that might mess with your head.

It does mess with your head. I have a more active sex drive than my boyfriend, and I am literally the one initiating sex all the time. I know he thinks I'm hot, and I know he loves having sex with me, and I know that sex drives don't work the way TV sitcoms say they do, but it even messes with my head. In the back of my mind is always the notion that if I am so hot and attractive to him, shouldn't just the sight of me naked be enough to make him want me? It's certainly enough for me in regards to him

No matter how intelligent of a person you are, and how much of an understanding of true human nature you have, there are just some things that society has ingrained into you so deeply that they still cause doubts at the back of your mind. And when you wake up on one of those days where every outfit you own makes you feel fat an unattractive, and your hair refuses to look the way it usually does, you really can't help but look in the mirror and think "it's because he doesn't think I'm hot".

daftalchemist:

AbstractStream:
I don't have anything constructive to say but the name "can't trigger the tent scene" just made me laugh out loud. I don't think being the initiator is a big problem though I can see how that might mess with your head.

It does mess with your head. I have a more active sex drive than my boyfriend, and I am literally the one initiating sex all the time. I know he thinks I'm hot, and I know he loves having sex with me, and I know that sex drives don't work the way TV sitcoms say they do, but it even messes with my head. In the back of my mind is always the notion that if I am so hot and attractive to him, shouldn't just the sight of me naked be enough to make him want me? It's certainly enough for me in regards to him

No matter how intelligent of a person you are, and how much of an understanding of true human nature you have, there are just some things that society has ingrained into you so deeply that they still cause doubts at the back of your mind. And when you wake up on one of those days where every outfit you own makes you feel fat an unattractive, and your hair refuses to look the way it usually does, you really can't help but look in the mirror and think "it's because he doesn't think I'm hot".

So if a guy doesn't initiate sex with a girl, he is a jerk because he isn't thinking about that girl's feelings, because that's how the media portrays him. However, if I complain that an incredibly attractive girl isn't interested in me (an overweight not very attractive man) I'm a jerk because real life isn't like Sitcoms

Is the word "relationship" simply a synonym for "double standard"?

Really disagree with the first two. The first sentence of each is fine, then the rest is off the rails.

For the second one: The first sentence sounds good. He is telling the truth and worries that sex is an imposition.

The rest of the reply then goes in completely the opposite direction, talking about sometimes men just want to cuddle, and theres nothing wrong with you if your boyfriend doesnt want sex. Thats all true, but seems completely unrelated to the question, to me.

The key part of the question to me is when she says about her boyfriend "He says he doesn't initiate sex because he doesn't feel like I'm in the mood whenever I'm not initiating it". Ive been in that situation - it has nothing to do with not being interested in sex, or just wanting to cuddle. The opposite. To me, this implies he wants sex more frequently (perhaps significantly more frequently, as was my case) but that trying to initiate sex on those occasions is a) frustrating, getting worked up when your partner isnt in the mood; b) feels wrong trying to "convince" your partner if they arent initially in the mood. A guy doesnt want to pressure their partner into something, but if their sex drive means they are seeking sex more often than the partner is receptive to put it bluntly theyre going to be blue balled, be pressuring their partner, or be taking care of business by themself. None of those options are really great unless you have a very healthy relationship where youre very open about masturbation. For most people it is embarrassing masturbating around someone who isnt in a sexual mood (which will be the case by definition in this scenario).

For the first one:

Combustion Kevin:
oh wow, that is a BOLD assumption.

This.

Basically, the reply to the first question reads as saying "If you have sexual feelings for a friend of yours, never tell them. Bottle your feelings up and never acknowledge them, because if you say them out loud that makes you a worthless sleaze that nobody should ever be around."

The only thing that letter says about the guy is that he has told her he is still physically attracted to her and likes the idea of sex. Thats called being honest and open - burying that feeling and not mentioning it is not healthy, and implying that he is a sleaze for even mentioning it is the exact opposite of healthy relationship advice.

An actual helpful reply would be to focus on why people need to be honest about their expectations. In this case, a casual arrangement is not a good idea if the woman (or man?) still has feelings and is hoping that something more will come of it. She needs to be honest with the guy, and tell him that although she likes the idea of sex with him she would be hoping to get back together with him. If she wants something that isnt a part of the arrangement, trying to make the arrangement work is most likely to just lead to disappointment, and potentially resentment or hurt feelings.

Caffiene:
snip

I really have to wonder if the woman from question two isn't so much worried about what it says about her that her boyfriend never initiates sex, rather she is simply annoyed she doesn't have the power in that particilar department.

I keep on thinking that this is Name Game and click on it every week! It doesn't even look that similar...I don't get it.

Anyway, from what I've skimmed so far from this feature on the Escapist, well, I think that it's usually a bit harsh. Now I must admit that I haven't read in depth, but from the first couple of sentences I always get the feeling that the author is incredibly negative about relationships.

GonzoGamer:
Berserker!
Just had to finish that.

Beat me there. Damn. : (

Maybe your doubt is telling you something: Writing off everyone around you because they don't meet your high standards is an easy recipe for loneliness. Happiness isn't achieved by holding yourself at arm's length and shutting out those around you. Happiness comes when you let people in, even if - especially if - they're as flawed and unstable as you.

Totally agree. Because I've been down the same path.

Honestly, it will always look like you are more level-headed, experienced, etc. from the -outside-. Look at all those silly tweens with their problems and awkward socializing. And then one day, you're like, "wow, it's a lot harder than it looks in practice".

Watching is always easier than doing. Doing hurts; I started -wayyy- too late, for similar reasons as yourself. It cost me. But I'm still thankful, because, it wasn't too late for me to turn around (as you can now).

I basically indirectly spat on my friends' advice, which was to, essentially, find Ms. Non-Pedestal. I refused to believe it. Truth is, black/white mentalities are incredibly harmful. It would take years for me to find out the hard way that it would only lead to loneliness. Sometimes the best way to learn something is to run into the consequences firsthand.

On that last one: bullshit. Letting people in is overrated. I've kept everyone at arm's length for all 24 years of my life and I'm perfectly happy.

Ok, that's a lie. I'm not happy at all. But not because I'm alone. Society puts so much fucking stock in getting laid and finding someone to love. Why do people find it so hard to grasp that I just don't care? I don't want to go out looking for a girlfriend. I don't want to talk to new people. I've heard friends and family ask why I've never dated or say shit like "don't worry, you'll find someone" way too many times, and I've grown spiteful of it. If I wanna end up dying alone and with my V-card, that's my fucking prerogative. And don't tell me I'm 'afraid of love' or that I have confidence issues; that's more bullshit to try and get me to bend to the status quo.

Wow, did I really just go into a tangent tirade about the right to be lonely? I need more booze. Or less...no, definitely more.

'Newsflash: Everyone between the ages of 13 and 17 is unstable, indecisive and na´ve'

This is so totally true! You don't feel it at all, and you don't notice that you mature that much until you look back at things that happened in this time! I looked back through my old emails back 8-9 years ago when I was 14/15, and wow was I surprised! I remember all the little stories, and each little crisis that was documented at this time, and I never realised how insecure I was! I never felt it, but I really was!! And so were all my friends... All of them! It's incredible to think, looking at them now, that we developed without really knowing, but oh well!

anonymity88:

GonzoGamer:
Berserker!
Just had to finish that.

Beat me there. Damn. : (

I hate you both. But, good to see that there's a few people out there who appreciate a good film, amirite?

That reference is pretty much the only reason I looked at this feature actually. Although I suppose here is as good a place as any to have a "dear...." segment.

Capt. Crankypants:

anonymity88:

GonzoGamer:
Berserker!
Just had to finish that.

Beat me there. Damn. : (

I hate you both. But, good to see that there's a few people out there who appreciate a good film, amirite?

That reference is pretty much the only reason I looked at this feature actually. Although I suppose here is as good a place as any to have a "dear...." segment.

It's the main reason I clicked too... that and last weeks was pretty funny too.
At the same time, this article made me want to watch Clerks:

GonzoGamer:
Berserker!
Just had to finish that.

...Did he just say making fuck?

That was beautiful, man.

On topic (somewhat), reading all this stuff about relationship woes makes me resent my complete lack of one that much more. Fucking awesomely obscure references...

Consider my approach: the final weapon that only gives everything, never desires anything halfassed.

Satosuke:
On that last one: bullshit. Letting people in is overrated. I've kept everyone at arm's length for all 24 years of my life and I'm perfectly happy.

Ok, that's a lie. I'm not happy at all. But not because I'm alone. Society puts so much fucking stock in getting laid and finding someone to love... ...And don't tell me I'm 'afraid of love' or that I have confidence issues; that's more bullshit to try and get me to bend to the status quo.

Wow, did I really just go into a tangent tirade about the right to be lonely? I need more booze. Or less...no, definitely more.

Just wait until you realize that Weddings are powerful tools societal elites have been using to bend people to the status quo for millennia, then the disenchantment REALLY sets in. I realized this while growing up in a Christian church where Brides and Grooms were paraded around like pagan gods of fertility. Here, have another drink.

Anyways Mr. 21, maybe you want no relationship with those around you because you see how much of a train wreck they are with those issues, and you may not be fully aware of that. I had a friend growing up that was a complete, whiny bitch when girls didn't give him attention, and as the loyal friend I was I just gave him more support. Well, it turns out he really did not need it, and also turned out he was pretty fucking greedy with affections from women. However, I realized this too late: I was already completely turned off by the all the hateful ways women treated him and the hateful ways he treated them.

Why don't you try a change of scenery? It seems what's available to you sucks, so finding better pastures might be healthier. But either way, having high standards is not a flaw. Its not your fault the women around you don't know how to attract you.

Honestly, I usually don't read this article, but the use of a Clerks quote demanded that I come and at least skim it.

Olaf, Berserker. C'mon man, girls think sexy!

MasochisticAvenger:

daftalchemist:

AbstractStream:
I don't have anything constructive to say but the name "can't trigger the tent scene" just made me laugh out loud. I don't think being the initiator is a big problem though I can see how that might mess with your head.

It does mess with your head. I have a more active sex drive than my boyfriend, and I am literally the one initiating sex all the time. I know he thinks I'm hot, and I know he loves having sex with me, and I know that sex drives don't work the way TV sitcoms say they do, but it even messes with my head. In the back of my mind is always the notion that if I am so hot and attractive to him, shouldn't just the sight of me naked be enough to make him want me? It's certainly enough for me in regards to him

No matter how intelligent of a person you are, and how much of an understanding of true human nature you have, there are just some things that society has ingrained into you so deeply that they still cause doubts at the back of your mind. And when you wake up on one of those days where every outfit you own makes you feel fat an unattractive, and your hair refuses to look the way it usually does, you really can't help but look in the mirror and think "it's because he doesn't think I'm hot".

So if a guy doesn't initiate sex with a girl, he is a jerk because he isn't thinking about that girl's feelings, because that's how the media portrays him. However, if I complain that an incredibly attractive girl isn't interested in me (an overweight not very attractive man) I'm a jerk because real life isn't like Sitcoms

Is the word "relationship" simply a synonym for "double standard"?

Actually, I never said guys are jerks for having lower sex drives and not initiating sex as much. In fact, I didn't blame any of it on the guy at all, and said it's an illogical reaction to unrealistic societal stereotypes, but that it doesn't make it any easier to ignore at times. But way to go showing off your own insecurity by projecting it on my calm and reasonable description about the inner-workings of a woman's mind.

I was going to post asking if the article forgot to say 'making fuck' but I see all the other Clerks fans are here. HI GUYS!!

The last sentence made me lol ," i'm a little stressed out from work honey , ask me again in a hour ". The only image i have in my head is the guy coming up shyly asking " ummm.... Can we ...can we do it now?"

Combustion Kevin:

There is no telling what this guy is thinking, he says he wants her as a "friend with benefits", but how did that come to discussion?

You know what a FWB is, right?

In general, and regardless of the variables you state, it's a pisspoor idea to enter into a FWB relationship with someone you would like to have a serious romantic relationship with. At best, one of you is going to be horribly disappointed, at worst, the odds of it turning into an absolute car crash and completely ruining any good feelings between you are very, very high.

Combustion Kevin:
"He asks you for sex now because you're convenient and familiar, and because he believes you can't tell him no. If you don't mind being used for his cheap comfort, then, sure, go right ahead. But know this: Because you love him and he doesn't feel the same way, you might as well be fucking a ticking time bomb."

oh wow, that is a BOLD assumption.

There is no telling what this guy is thinking, he says he wants her as a "friend with benefits", but how did that come to discussion?
Who is to say he does'nt care about her anymore or this is his (deeply flawed) attempt at trying to get close again?
Or did he come right out like: "wanna be my booty call?".
did she tell him she missed him, or loved him, or did she leave it undiscussed?

so many variables.

also: "his cheap comfort"?
really?

She said she still loves the guy with her heart and soul, the guy wants "friends with benefits". If a girl is head over heels for you then you will get her if you want. Otherwise you don't want to. She gave what is obviously the best answer with the information given.

Satosuke:
On that last one: bullshit. Letting people in is overrated. I've kept everyone at arm's length for all 24 years of my life and I'm perfectly happy.

Ok, that's a lie. I'm not happy at all. But not because I'm alone. Society puts so much fucking stock in getting laid and finding someone to love. Why do people find it so hard to grasp that I just don't care? I don't want to go out looking for a girlfriend. I don't want to talk to new people. I've heard friends and family ask why I've never dated or say shit like "don't worry, you'll find someone" way too many times, and I've grown spiteful of it. If I wanna end up dying alone and with my V-card, that's my fucking prerogative. And don't tell me I'm 'afraid of love' or that I have confidence issues; that's more bullshit to try and get me to bend to the status quo.

Wow, did I really just go into a tangent tirade about the right to be lonely? I need more booze. Or less...no, definitely more.

At least get yourself a prostitute for the night before you die with that v-card buddy. Do go through your whole life never having had sex would be a terrible thing to think about.

even though I know it's illogical and everyone else my age is having casual sex without a relationship or commitment.

Everyone? At what age?

but for some reason I can't get past thinking of sex as something important.

Well gee, isn't that silly. Thinking of the most intimate physical act you can engage in with another person as "something important". Hilarious.

-_-

daftalchemist:

MasochisticAvenger:

daftalchemist:

It does mess with your head. I have a more active sex drive than my boyfriend, and I am literally the one initiating sex all the time. I know he thinks I'm hot, and I know he loves having sex with me, and I know that sex drives don't work the way TV sitcoms say they do, but it even messes with my head. In the back of my mind is always the notion that if I am so hot and attractive to him, shouldn't just the sight of me naked be enough to make him want me? It's certainly enough for me in regards to him

No matter how intelligent of a person you are, and how much of an understanding of true human nature you have, there are just some things that society has ingrained into you so deeply that they still cause doubts at the back of your mind. And when you wake up on one of those days where every outfit you own makes you feel fat an unattractive, and your hair refuses to look the way it usually does, you really can't help but look in the mirror and think "it's because he doesn't think I'm hot".

So if a guy doesn't initiate sex with a girl, he is a jerk because he isn't thinking about that girl's feelings, because that's how the media portrays him. However, if I complain that an incredibly attractive girl isn't interested in me (an overweight not very attractive man) I'm a jerk because real life isn't like Sitcoms

Is the word "relationship" simply a synonym for "double standard"?

Actually, I never said guys are jerks for having lower sex drives and not initiating sex as much. In fact, I didn't blame any of it on the guy at all, and said it's an illogical reaction to unrealistic societal stereotypes, but that it doesn't make it any easier to ignore at times. But way to go showing off your own insecurity by projecting it on my calm and reasonable description about the inner-workings of a woman's mind.

I never said you specifically were calling guys jerks for not thinking of the girl's feelings; just that it sounded like the woman who posed the question was blaming her boyfriend for her own insecurity (with things like "Just me being naked should be good enough for me").

Still, I was a bit impulsive when I wrote that and if I'd taken a couple of seconds to think before I did I probably wouldn't have. Sorry about that.

Finally, someone else who knows! We have enough friends! We don't need lovers to be happy! God damnit I'm tired of people saying I'll change my mind when I find 'the right person'. I don't want a 'right person', you might as well go all out and say 'you'll find the one', as if that fate crap has any basis in reality.
I'm going to stop here before a rant comes out.

krazykidd:
The last sentence made me lol ," i'm a little stressed out from work honey , ask me again in a hour ". The only image i have in my head is the guy coming up shyly asking " ummm.... Can we ...can we do it now?"

This

But watching the last few seconds (to the hour EXACTLY) tick away on his watch first...

Edit: Made me smile too!

Mygaffer:
At least get yourself a prostitute for the night before you die with that v-card buddy. Do go through your whole life never having had sex would be a terrible thing to think about.

That advice carries with it the prerequisite of giving a fuck about sex, so that doesn't really help me.

 

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