Escape to the Movies: Battleship

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Speaking as someone who despised the first Transformers movie and never saw the other 2, the alien ships were kinda busy, but not quite so much as any one of Bay's monstrosities.

There were some cheesy moments, they were predictable lines, and there were some groan worthy one liners.

But there were also some pretty damn funny moments, some particularly interesting ideas, and awesome veterans.

That being said... You'd think this planet had six suns with all the bloom in that movie. Things that I wouldn't think could reflect were blooming.

The bloom really is my biggest complaint, other than that, it wasn't really as bad as Bob says.... though that is of course, merely my opinion.

Well, that's a shame. I will watch this eventually however, if anything for the couple good things Bob had to say about it.
Badass endings have saved movies (for me) before. For example, the first person sequence in Doom was amazing.

I don't hold much hope for MIB3, time travel tends to fuck with the enjoyment of something. I think that's what ultimately killed Heroes.

Hold on hold on, is that fucking RIHANNA at exactly 3:00? If it's not it's a hell of a look-a-like.

Edit: Well that'll teach me for not watching the whole thing before commentating.

I watched this about 2 months ago so I think I've had enough time to point out a lot of the problems with this film.

1. The schizophrenic aliens. For the first half of the film the aliens seem to be trying to protect themselves and prevent casualties( they carry out rescue missions, they only return fire [like in real Battleship]) so it all seems to be building up to this scene where the sensitive and anti-war (he was shanghaied into the army in the first place) protagonist realizes these aliens just want to get back to their planet and mean no harm. However, someone decided halfway through production that this half decent script was totally gay and changed the direction of the plot halfway in favour of jingoistic gunporn (albeit top-notch jingoistic gunporn).

2. There are about 5 different characters under the command of the protagonist with incredibly shallow characterization which all serve exactly the same purpose: to show they don't respect the protagonist and throughout his heroe's journey he must eventually earn that respect. The film would have been about 20 times better if they had condensed them into a single character (Rihanna as his lieutenant or whatever) with more lines and some personality (other than the butch girl, the idiot with the heart of gold, the fat hawaian, scowling guy, facepalming guy).

3. The film repeats about 10 times that the protagonist has "talent", he's just too careless and too emotional. His job is to make decisions and give people orders. I don't understand what he could possibly be so good at that makes up for his ineptitude at taking decisions and giving orders. I suppose they just assume the military gives out ranks according to the solemness of your voice and the ruggedness of your beard. If they had actually shown him doing anything not totally retarded in the first hour of the film maybe it would be a slightly more believable concept.

4. The protagonist is a douche. Seriously, about 20 minutes from the end he manages to get his head out of his ass and stop acting like he's 10 years old in order to actually be a high ranking soldier. I can't believe Hollywood films are still making the mistake of creating really shit protagonists for no good reason. Just because a good story needs character development, doesn't mean a terrible protagonist allows for more character development. That's not how it works, stop doing it.

5. More geriatric war veterans kicking ass. Bob's right, this part nearly made up for everything else and it makes, much, much more sense considering the premise of the story.

PS The alien battleships were obviously ripped straight out of Metal Gear and therefore they look fucking awesome, but the rest of the CGI was especially terrible, so they could have just used less of it.

Soviet Heavy:

Credit insert 1: We're all concerned about "Beware the Batman" Bob, you are not alone. Looks like they're trying to mix the dark edgy "Animated Series" vibe with the more lighthearted tone and silliness of "Brave and the Bold". Both great shows on their own merits, but not something that should be mixed. Kinda like "Hey, you got chocolate in my Preperation H! No, you got Preperation H in my chocolate!"

Credit insert 2: That is a shame. Truly.

They already tried mixing Dark Batman with Goofy Batman, in The Batman. It was halfway decent, with a really neat take on the Joker, but it didn't quite pan out.

I respect your opinion, but I didn't care for Rasta Joker. The voice actor was great, but for me it was too much of a departure from established Joker tropes. It just didn't feel like Joker to me.

I did however think that shows take on Riddler was interesting. But I pretty much consider "The Batman" a failure on most, if not all, levels.

I agree with what you said about Liam Neeson.

I think the same of Nick Cage, coincidentally. He played in Leaving Las Vegas, so fuck you, he can play in Wickerman and Ghost Rider if he enjoys it !

Well battleship isn't great but I know so many worse it's not even close to transformer-bad and far from green-lantern-bad.. decent simple (dumb and klishe drenched) but some action scenes are awesome (not so much when they focus on the alien witch are bad..) worth a popcorn but not if you don't got a lot of them...

And I'm just wondering did I miss the "spoiler warning"? ... Bob kinda tells the whole movie almost... or at least it's pitch...
(Captcha: chicken feed XD)

Awww, nobody says the line? I would've gone to see the movie just to hear someone say it.

BTW, I do not like the art style of that new Batman thing either.

Cheer up, Bob. Maybe you'll get your wish to prove conventional wisdom wrong when Candy Land starring Adam Sandler- HAH, no, I just can't finish that with a straight face.

was there a scene in the movie where one of the people in charge goes to the toilet and the opposition moves all their ships into new positions? its not battleship without the cheating

Is "Iron Sky" banned in USA for showing the country in a bad light?

A U.S. theatrical release is confirmed, just no set date yet.

What you said was silly.

OT: Not even Liam Neeson could save Battleship, eh? I am shocked. Shocked! Well, not that shocked.

Is "Iron Sky" banned in USA for showing the country in a bad light?

Well, "Iron Sky" is also a comedy, compared to a serious treatment of pretty much anything, and thus it gets a pass of sorts.

That said, the way the military is portrayed in "Battleship" really isn't much differant than say "Top Gun" or any other similar movie, to the point of it being painfully stereotypical more than anything else.

As far as how the character in question managed to hold Officer rank, understand that in the US the officers and enlisted are seperated from each other. While there are exceptions, they are two seperate entitites for purposes of advancement, training, etc, you do not start out as say an army private, or enlisted sea man, and then get promoted to Lieutenant. Rather you pass the tests, get accepted into the officers corps, and then come out as a Lieutenant to which there are grades. This guy as a Lieutenant is pretty much at the bottom, to wind up in charge he pretty much has to be the only remaining officer left with no chances of being replaced by a new commander (an issue created by the force field).

As much of a problem as it is, the guy is also banging the daughter of a senior officer AND his brother is also supposed to be a respected senior officer, and that can get someone fast tracked whether they like the person or not. Plenty of arseholes get by in the military with a surprising amount of authority for very similar reasons, not flattering, but it is true.

To be honest I'll also say that I think the military likes to cultivate that maverick image from Top Gun, Navy SEALS (old Charlie Sheen vehicle), and other sources. Kids look at that and figure the military won't be that bad, and see it as a place where they will have a lot of freedom. Then when they actually sign the papers and enlist, real world boot camp pretty much knocks it out of them, which is kind of the point of boot camp (to basically dehumanize and deconstruct what you were before, and rebuild it into an obeidient soldier).

Yeah, no matter what connections someone might have, the behavior exhibited in a lot of military movies would probably wind up with them in a brig, if not facing military justice and spending their lives in prison or being shot (if the behavior was in a combat zone). Of course by the time they get to the point of one of those movies they probably already had the crap knocked out of them to the point of at least being able to play the game enough to get by.

While kind of unrelated, one of my big problems with the "Star Trek" reboot was that they took this stereotype to the extreme in how they portrayed the new version of "James T. Kirk", to the point where the situation and his conduct was so totally out of line he should have been dumped out an airlock, or shot on the spot. A guy facing dishonorable discharge from the military who stows away on a military ship entering a combat situation is probably going to face death (on the spot), the guy acts insubordinate and out of control to the acting bridge officers (and arguably flag officers, exile to a planet is not viable, never mind promotion. Even if Spock was bordeline lobotomized to the point of not killing him, someone else would have, the problem probably would have been handled at a lower level. It made the entire thing kind of implausible, especially seeing as it would have meant The Federation would be incapable of functioning as a military organization.

Of course then again this was tenatively set in the same universe where they had Wesley Crusher scampering around in what should have been high security areas. Not to mention the whole "lol, what" situation of them bringing the entire families of soldiers onto the ship, and that was just TNG which actually had a better track record of common sense than most as far out of line as it got with the concepts.

I suppose if people can deal with the newest Trek, they aren't going to bat an eye at "Battleship", and the military itself has supported other similar takes on their own attitudes in the past.

I can agree with the "Liam Neeson Card Blanche" for any roles he wants in hollywood.

Well, that's a shame. I will watch this eventually however, if anything for the couple good things Bob had to say about it.
Badass endings have saved movies (for me) before. For example, the first person sequence in Doom was amazing.

I don't hold much hope for MIB3, time travel tends to fuck with the enjoyment of something. I think that's what ultimately killed Heroes.

If I want time travel I'll stick with the Brits. Doctor Who, Red Dwarf, those were more fun with time travel than most American films or shows with the topic.

Although it did bug me with Doctor Who how they never answered the question of could you kill Hitler or not because he might be a fixed point in time.

Is "Iron Sky" banned in USA for showing the country in a bad light?

Dude, they showed "God Bless America" in the U.S.

When movies like that get released, there's usually a parent or 2 who get upset (unless fox news gets involved -shudders-), but it rarely ends in an outright ban.

I agree with what you said about Liam Neeson.

I think the same of Nick Cage, coincidentally. He played in Leaving Las Vegas, so fuck you, he can play in Wickerman and Ghost Rider if he enjoys it !

The difference is that Liam Neeson isn't laughably bad in his newer mediocre movies. I swear, it seems like there's 2 nick cages, and one is an insanely horrible actor while the other is a genius.

Taylor Kitsch's mouth is writing checks his body can't cash!

Stinger would like to bust Taylor Kitsch's butt, but he can't!

If Taylor Kitsch screws up just this much, he'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong!

On a side note, as ludicrous as the idea of earth naval vessels versus obscenely advanced alien space technology may be, it may have been based as much on Battleship Galaxies as the original board game. As cheesy as this movie seems, though, I promise the Galaxies board game is actually fun and not stupid.

So have you guys checked out the game? Its a shooter.

My head actually hurts now.

The difference is that Liam Neeson isn't laughably bad in his newer mediocre movies. I swear, it seems like there's 2 nick cages, and one is an insanely horrible actor while the other is a genius.

I think Nic works best when they don't expect him to carry the whole movie. He's a supporting character in The Sorcerer's Apprentice (the quasi-eponymous "Sorcerer" to Jay Baruchel's "Apprentice"), and he's part of an ensemble cast in Kick-Ass, and he's actually pretty watchable and entertaining. But Family Man was a third-rate Wonderful Life rip-off, and Captain Corelli's Mandolin and City of Angels make me weep even to recall their existence.

Liam Neeson can do whatever he wants :) Indeed... The all time greatest action guy movies are with him :) He might not have a big role in this movie, but I have to see it just because of him :P

I said to myself when I first heard they were making a Battleship movie that if Liam Neeson dramatically said "that" line, I would go see the film. Thankfully, I don't have to waste my money now.

He hates conventional wisdom because it's conventional? Ohhhkay.

It's not conventional thinking that led me to think the movie would suck, it was the trailer.

Is "Iron Sky" banned in USA for showing the country in a bad light?

Well... it IS only showing in the UK for ONE DAY which kinda sucks... In the US the release is confirmed but the date is still unconfirmed at this point so goodness knows when it will actually be seen in the US. However the film was released 9 days ago in Australia and over a month ago in Finland and Norway. How does it feel to have to wait for movies like the rest of the world has done for decades USA?

OT: I would just like to slap a big fat "F'ING CALLED IT" sign on this one...

So MIB3 may actually suck? That's a bit of a shame, the whole "Time Jump" concept and the folding motorized unicycles seem rather awesome.

EDIT: For those of you wanting to see iron sky, this official release should tide you over until you can see the whole thing...

MovieBob let's you know who sunk whose Battleship.

That bit at the end about "the line" never being used...

Several months ago I wrote a small one paragraph parody of the upcoming movie, not knowing that Liam Neeson was in the actual movie;


The Scene: Allied Admiral Smith (Liam Neeson) is on the deck of a shattered aircraft carrier with Enemy Admiral Jones (Kiefer Sutherland) at gunpoint. Smoke and flames rise from blast points all over the deck. Smith is glaring at Jones.

Admiral Smith: (growls) You sunk my Battleship! (shoots Jones in the head)


In your professional opinion, is my short scene there or the actual movie the better one?

Can someone explain that ugly-ass batman thing to me? I don't keep up with everything.. is it a comic? a tv show? eh? :S


MovieBob let's you know who sunk whose Battleship.

Watch Video

aw c'mon. the MIB's are fun

I am cautiously optimistic for Men in Black 3...the first one is a classic...the second one sucked so maybe the third one could go either way. I hope its good but it could be awful.

About the Battleship mate said it was corny as hell but he also said Rihanna was the worst actress in the whole movie...I'm still not gonna watch the crappy movie.

Oh, I loved battleship.

Most ridiculous thing I'd seen in years. This sort of thing makes my jaw drop, that someone somewhere must have sat down and thought "this is a great idea!" Instead of throwing the writer out into the street, the producer smiled, and threw a couple of hundred million dollars into the guys lap. Fucking bonkers.

Forget you MovieBob I still have hope MiB3 is ganna be good. It could happen! Don't crush my dreams!

Crazy Zaul:

If they want to do a really good naval battle film, why not od one about the "Battle of Jutland"

Let me set the scene. 1916. 99 German ships vs 151 UK/Canadian/Australian ships.

The whole 'nobody actually won' thing would make a pretty suck ass ending though.

Technically the British maintained dominance in the are so you could say the british won, after losing much more then the Germans.

Can someone explain that ugly-ass batman thing to me? I don't keep up with everything.. is it a comic? a tv show? eh? :S

A new TV Show for Cartoon Network. It's going to have Alfred fighting with guns and Katana as Batman's sidekick...apparently.

damn was hoping this was going to be good since navy vs aliens sounded like an interesting plot kinda like if the abyss aliens were actually violent, oh well will probably still see it since im starved for any scifi

Correct. Liam CAN do whatever the fuck he wants to. Speaking of which i should probably go watch Schindler's list again.

...It's a movie based off the Battleship board game? Was anyone expecting anything truly great from it?

I think at certain times people need to lower their expectations. I haven't seen the flick, but if I was going to I'd walk into it not expecting it to be good and hoping to be pleasently surprised a little bit.

Really you can't judge it the same way you'd just a movie like Avengers or Dark Knight. You just can't, it's fucking battleship.

I agree that the movie wasn't the best it could be but I believe it is because of a different reasons. The writers didn't tell you what they were trying to convey in the movie and just expected the audience. Most people think the movie sucks because the aliens are boring bad guys. But what they don't realize is that the aliens aren't the bad guys. They're the victims.

The beginning of the movie shows us attempting to communicate with an earth-like planet that we have discovered. The aliens heard us and sent 5 ships to check us out. Unfortunately upon entry the alien's communication ship hits a satellite and crashes into the ocean. Some stuff in the movie happens, we find the ship, etc. Now we come to the stand-off. The aliens don't attack right away so we blow our horn to intimidate them. They blow their horn back trying to communicate with us but unfortunately they're horn was a little too powerful. We attack them so they respond by locating where the attack was coming from and neutralized the threat. This them is repeated multiple times in the movie when the aliens are "scanning" organic things. The giant balls of death go out of their way to do as little damage as possible (Evidence to this is the freeway scene. The balls could have done a lot more damage if the aliens were here to take over but instead only destroyed only part of the freeway so they could set up their cables). The aliens put up the shield to prevent Earth's collective military from coming in and blowing them up. It was self defense.

Now we come to the aliens themselves. The first one we get to see is the one they capture. When it wakes up it freaks out. Why? Well as we later discover the alien's have eyes sensitive to the sun. When it woke up the humans had removed its protective helmet so naturally it's going to freak out at the pain. Next it places its hand on the human's forehead and we get a weird vision full of explosions. The alien wasn't trying to scare us. It was trying to tell us that it's home world is being destroyed by war. Perhaps the aliens are trying to ask us for help? We'll never know. Also, if you didn't notice, none of the aliens had weapons. The only one that had something close to one was the chrome alien. However that didn't seem to be a weapon but more of a tool that it was forced to use as a weapon to defend itself from the extremely hostile natives. The aliens' suits have the same "scanning" technology that the balls have and if something has a heartbeat it turns green and tells the alien not to attack or kill it.

Now we come to the communication part. Why were they trying so hard to get our satellite dishes? They wanted to go home and their communication ship was destroyed. They knew that the satellite dishes could contact their home planet because they had done it once before. Were the sending for an invasion fleet? Maybe. But with the evidence presented in the movie I'd put my money on that they were asking for a rescue party to come save them from the crazy natives trying to kill them.

Finally, lets talk about the humans. The humans were shown to be completely insane from the beginning. The chick says that her grandfather told her that if aliens ever came to Earth "it wouldn't be pretty." The humans were so convinced that any alien that came would be hostile so they just attacked without even trying to communicate and make peace. The main character was shown to be impulsive and unsuited for being a leader. He let his emotions get the best of him in times where he was needed to lead.

In short the movie actually had a very cleverly hidden message. One I wish they would have told the audience at some point in the movie. Sadly this potentially great film will be forever forgotten as utter crap.

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