Zero Punctuation: Diablo 3

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Diablo 3

This week, Zero Punctiaion reviews Blizzard's latest click-fest Diablo 3.

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There are a lot of Pants in Diablo isn't there?

Groin Focused Carpet Bombing? HA.

I can't even imaging what trying to play D3 in Australia was like with that Always Online shit.

It's a shame Yahtzee didn't play it through until the end. The final boss fight was so anticlimactic and the ending comes close to mass effect 3 bad. I was really looking forward to him bashing on that part.

Hey, I met that spider last week. He demanded a few quid to let me through or else he'd liquefy my innards...

But man, at least it's not like duke nukem.

I'm waiting till the real money auction house opens up and if it's really that good to buy Diablo 3. Hopefully I'll be able to make it a second job.

Qitz:
Groin Focused Carpet Bombing? HA.

All games need this sort of attack.

you can change the forced spell bindings in the options, so you can put whatever you want wherever you want.

Velric:
you can change the forced spell bindings in the options, so you can put whatever you want wherever you want.

Like what he mentions in the credits?

But Yahtzee, changing out the pants is the part of dungeon crawlers that really drawers you in!

Was looking forward to this one,great job.

Let me guess,you were looking for the pink trousers,am I right? :P

I'm guessing Yahtzee doesn't give a fuck about diablo 3 and now thanks to always online DRM he gives even less of a fuck

WTT 15,000 quivers for 15,000 pants.

Someone sure has an unhealthy obsession for pants.

I could be wrong, but I think part of the idea of randomly generated dungeons is, besides replayability, is that your experience will be different than your friend's experience so you can stand around the water cooler comparing.

EDIT: Since sooooooooooo many people found such fun in nitpicking my response apart, let me clarify that I'm more referring to how the randomly generated dungeons change one's gameplay experience. Those would be worth talking about with your friends. Also bearing in mind that it's not just the dungeon layout, but the monsters and, to a limited degree, the quests as well that are randomly generated.

What a surprise. He found the boring, shit game the with forced online, both boring and shit and hated the forced online.

Jas0913:
It's a shame Yahtzee didn't play it through until the end. The final boss fight was so anticlimactic and the ending comes close to mass effect 3 bad. I was really looking forward to him bashing on that part.

OK, but seriously, who plays Diablo for the story? Literally your only interactions with the world are clicking things to death and selling their trousers to the merchants. It's not like your character has any personality.

You can fully customise your action bars by havingboth evil dogs and the ability tomake enemies shit themselves.

Options -> Gameplay -> Bottom Right Option whose name I forget because it's a shit term.

It's a shame Blizzard doesn't exactly tell anyone this. The only way you discover this is by accident or Chinese Whispers; which is what i'm doing now, rather a CHINESE SHOUT.

I agree that Bellial can suck my chicken.

You also don't need to pick up all whites and greys in the end as they vendor for sod all and slow you down. Pick up anything that is a colour in the colour wheel.

Jas0913:
It's a shame Yahtzee didn't play it through until the end. The final boss fight was so anticlimactic and the ending comes close to mass effect 3 bad. I was really looking forward to him bashing on that part.

You were playing a Hack'N'Slash game where you murder every living thing (Like a Reaper). That is the only thing Diablo 3 shares with Mass Effect 3. I don't think anyone cares about the ending as they're too pre-occupied with playing the game again but harder and getting phatter l00tz

Great funny review as usual. Are you going to review Lone Survivor sometime? I'd like to know what you think.

canadamus_prime:
I could be wrong, but I think part of the idea of randomly generated dungeons is, besides replayability, is that your experience will be different than your friend's experience so you can stand around the water cooler comparing.

My wall was over there and a shirt with +1 dropped.

-Really? Mine was over here and pants with +1 dropped.

Did you fight that boss and do that one story bit?

-Well... yeah... But the path there was... different, I guess. Sort of.

It's always fun to read the forum after Yatzee gives a popular game a bad review.

Wait...

Yahtzee never played either of the other Diablo games?
Yahtzee didn't BEAT the extremely short campaign that is Diablo 3?
Yahtzee didn't turn on elective mode to use whatever spell in whatever category?

GOOD GOD MAN! I CANT DEFEND YOU ON THIS ONE!

Grey Day for Elcia:

canadamus_prime:
I could be wrong, but I think part of the idea of randomly generated dungeons is, besides replayability, is that your experience will be different than your friend's experience so you can stand around the water cooler comparing.

My wall was over there and a shirt with +1 dropped.

-Really? Mine was over here and pants with +1 dropped.

Did you fight that boss and do that one story bit?

-Well... yeah... But the path there was... different, I guess. Sort of.

If they made it at all like Diablo 2, then sometimes you won't even fight some bosses, or have some quests available, because they weren't generated. It does make for different games.

Jas0913:
It's a shame Yahtzee didn't play it through until the end. The final boss fight was so anticlimactic and the ending comes close to mass effect 3 bad. I was really looking forward to him bashing on that part.

Oh get off that high horse already. D3 had a predictable Blizzard style ending, and you had an actual final boss fight. ME3 did not actually have a final boss fight, and had an ending that was unexpected, illogical, and abrupt. Comparing games that have mediocre and predictable endings to ME3 is just plain rude.

called it

second i saw the game knew he wasn't going to like it cause, when has he ever liked this kinda game.

but really? whining about the 'random dungeon generator'? what -.- did he need a 'filler complaint' or something.

I'll keep an eye out for Jeff when he visits me in Southend.

vxicepickxv:

Grey Day for Elcia:

canadamus_prime:
I could be wrong, but I think part of the idea of randomly generated dungeons is, besides replayability, is that your experience will be different than your friend's experience so you can stand around the water cooler comparing.

My wall was over there and a shirt with +1 dropped.

-Really? Mine was over here and pants with +1 dropped.

Did you fight that boss and do that one story bit?

-Well... yeah... But the path there was... different, I guess. Sort of.

If they made it at all like Diablo 2, then sometimes you won't even fight some bosses, or have some quests available, because they weren't generated. It does make for different games.

I remember on one playthrough of the first Diablo I didn't have to fight the Butcher.

vxicepickxv:

Grey Day for Elcia:

canadamus_prime:
I could be wrong, but I think part of the idea of randomly generated dungeons is, besides replayability, is that your experience will be different than your friend's experience so you can stand around the water cooler comparing.

My wall was over there and a shirt with +1 dropped.

-Really? Mine was over here and pants with +1 dropped.

Did you fight that boss and do that one story bit?

-Well... yeah... But the path there was... different, I guess. Sort of.

If they made it at all like Diablo 2, then sometimes you won't even fight some bosses, or have some quests available, because they weren't generated. It does make for different games.

But the core experience is the exact same.

It's a silly concept if you're not going to go all the way with it. The little shit they change is so pointless and comes down to little more than varying distractions along the grind fest to Hell.

"I got the quest to find the sign at the bottom of the first dungeon!"

"Well I got the quest to kill the guy at the bottom of the first dungeon!"

Riveting.

I hope he didn't actually pay blizzard money to review the boring, shit game the with forced online. That would be contributing to more boring, shit, forced online games.

This review sums up why I don't want to play Diablo 3. I can still respect why others like it, though. Although... I part of me still doesn't understand the MASS appeal or why Blizzard uses it's endless resources to make THIS vs. ANYTHING ELSE IMAGINABLE.

Jman1236:
I'm waiting till the real money auction house opens up and if it's really that good to buy Diablo 3. Hopefully I'll be able to make it a second job.

how many do you think have the same idea? youre competing with every player on the continent when you do btw and they take a huge cut, its not gonna make you minimum wage and it has been postponed indef, so might not come out ever

canadamus_prime:

vxicepickxv:

Grey Day for Elcia:
My wall was over there and a shirt with +1 dropped.

-Really? Mine was over here and pants with +1 dropped.

Did you fight that boss and do that one story bit?

-Well... yeah... But the path there was... different, I guess. Sort of.

If they made it at all like Diablo 2, then sometimes you won't even fight some bosses, or have some quests available, because they weren't generated. It does make for different games.

I remember on one playthrough of the first Diablo I didn't have to fight the Butcher.

You always have to kill the Butcher in Diablo 1--it's a main story quest.

Come on Yahtzee it's pronounced Dee-ah-blo (as in block) its spanish for devil.

Also I think Nethack has the best example of randomly generated dungeons, since some important areas are always bound to appear like the Dwarven mines and Sokoban.

The Binding of Isaac also manages to always give you a free in each stage.

I guess Yahtzee would prefer Roguelikes since they don't concentrate a lot on Glowy swords of phallus +3 and rely more on grabbing food, unidentified potions and scrolls and progress is made in part by player cleverness instead of gear.

Hiname:
Someone sure has an unhealthy obsession for pants.

I think it's a subtle way of him saying "Diablo 3 is pants" (read: crap), which is seeing as how he's a cynical Brit is exactly what I'd expect him to do, actually.

I mean the moment so many pants started flying around, I immediately thought "Damn, he must have really hated the game."

Grey Day for Elcia:

canadamus_prime:

vxicepickxv:
If they made it at all like Diablo 2, then sometimes you won't even fight some bosses, or have some quests available, because they weren't generated. It does make for different games.

I remember on one playthrough of the first Diablo I didn't have to fight the Butcher.

You always have to kill the Butcher in Diablo 1--it's a main story quest.

Well one time I didn't. Don't ask me to explain it, 'cause I don't really understand it either.

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