Top Ten Sex Tips

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I never laughed so hard here in the Escapist(well, except wen watching some Loading Ready Run episodes). This one was amazing!

DVS BSTrD:
Rectum? DAMN NEAR KILLED EM!

Thank you good sir, thank you...

0_o I don't know about anyone else, but I don't anything going in my rectum. That's an output not an input.

"ASSUMING CONTROL"

Was what came to mind when I saw the final picture.

Hjalmar Fryklund:

DVS BSTrD:
Rectum? DAMN NEAR KILLED EM!

Yeah, nothing good is gonna cum out of this.

Sphincter? I just met her!

canadamus_prime:
0_o I don't know about anyone else, but I don't anything going in my rectum. That's an output not an input.

Then I guess you're just a... party pooper!

Wait a second, dressing up like a teletubbie is not just a thing but "tiresomely predictable"?
Say what?

NOT THE BE-

bliebblob:
I'll just leave this here... (works best with eyes closed)

God damnit, ninja'd again!

Personally, I think I can speak on behalf of men in general when I recommend just going through these tips (safe for work).

Why do these magazines need to be so complex. This is all they need to say.

How to please you man. Show up naked. Bring beer.

Sometimes the writer's comments are far more enjoyable than the comic itself. THis is one of those fine days.

Blade_125:
Why do these magazines need to be so complex. This is all they need to say.

How to please you man. Show up naked. Bring beer.

For bonus points, make him a bacon sandwich afterwards, he'll marry you within a week :P

Unfortunately telling women how easy it really is to please wouldn't fill more than two pages.

captcha: rough diamond 0.o
Don't be giving them ideas now captcha

Putting something in your girlfriend's ass: "Anal! Score!"
Girlfriend putting something in your ass: "Why the fuck would you do that?!"

I don't get it.

Is there some weird delusion some people have that because some women like penis in their vagina, they like having things in their ass any more than men? Most women don't. Hell, most gay men don't practice anal sex very often.

Boudica:
Putting something in your girlfriend's ass: "Anal! Score!"
Girlfriend putting something in your ass: "Why the fuck would you do that?!"

I don't get it.

The man in your example does not think of his gf as an equal. He considers her a possession/hobby.

On-thread, I know the strip is supposed to be fiction but I can totally imagine reading that in a mag >.>

shoving things up my ass isnt my thing but if a woman got turned on by it id do just about anything short of killing my self, others, or involuntary torture

bliebblob:
I'll just leave this here... (works best with eyes closed)

*Tries what you suggested while thinking of the guy in the comic*

image

OT: Yeah I am unsure what to say but this was surprisingly funny.
Just remember guys, talk over with your partner about what's appropriate and what's over the top in your sex life.

Blade_125:
Why do these magazines need to be so complex. This is all they need to say.

How to please you man. Show up naked. Bring beer.

Well, yeah, it's that simple. But, quite frankly, it gets boring. It's something I've griped about to my boyfriend before, and he agrees with me. There are so many different areas on women for guys to play with, but there's only like two or so things on guys for girls to play with. So when you're just playing with the same two things all the time, it gets really boring and it makes you want more things to play with. And then you have to come up with weird shit to make sexy times more interesting so you can keep having fun with it.

Keepeas:

ThunderCavalier:
I wonder when one of those magazines will just try screwing with us and write down, "Google Rule 34 without Safesearch; do act performed in first picture seen."


...that's what I got...it could be worse...
...much worse...

I got yaoi... I'm fairly okay with that -shrug-

OT: Sex tip number 1: surprise anal will get you divorced. asking inquisitively will get you anal.

This can be applied to 90% of situations.

Daystar Clarion:
Oh beehive!

...

...

I'll show myself out...

I... I don't get it. I am now shame. D:

Boudica:
Putting something in your girlfriend's ass: "Anal! Score!"
Girlfriend putting something in your ass: "Why the fuck would you do that?!"

I don't get it.

Is there some weird delusion some people have that because some women like penis in their vagina, they like having things in their ass any more than men? Most women don't. Hell, most gay men don't practice anal sex very often.

As 5ilver says the "score" in that situation is for the guy in question, her feelings on the matter are not considered relevant in that particular case...I assume, although maybe she likes it and he likes doing her up the butt so he's happy to find they both like it but doesn't like it being done to himself, which is fine, just because your partner likes something doesn't mean you have to do it too. But from your example I guess you mean the former.

Captachs: hear me roar! I feel that is relevant somehow.

OT: yeah...I believe I read somewhere (might have been on cracked though) that a women's mag had suggested tugging down on or pressing up on a guys balls during sex was supposed to...er... I can't remember, but anyway, while the phrase "don't neglect the balls" is one near to my heart I feel that with all the thrusting and what have you during sex, accidentally tugging or pushing in the opposite direction unexpectedly could cause some horrible mishaps.

the men in question are portrayed as slobbering dicking machines so traumatized by lifelong porn addictions their idea of foreplay is turning up and announcing they're here to fix the fridge.

I know this is how I pull the ladies....

just kidding...... I actually say I'm there to fix the toilet...

hentropy:
use lots of... honey.

That sounds sticky and uncomfortable.
Isn't that what's supposed to come at the end?

daftalchemist:

Blade_125:
Why do these magazines need to be so complex. This is all they need to say.

How to please you man. Show up naked. Bring beer.

Well, yeah, it's that simple. But, quite frankly, it gets boring. It's something I've griped about to my boyfriend before, and he agrees with me. There are so many different areas on women for guys to play with, but there's only like two or so things on guys for girls to play with. So when you're just playing with the same two things all the time, it gets really boring and it makes you want more things to play with. And then you have to come up with weird shit to make sexy times more interesting so you can keep having fun with it.

*Consults list of PG-rated fetishes safe to mention on the Escapist*

Run a nice hot soapy bath so that you can soak together naked at least as deep to the upper chest. Put a blindfold on them and then slowly, sensuously start brushing their teeth as you cradle them from behind. Use a soft bristle brush and be gentle but firm, and whatever you do..

Don't ruin the moment by using an automatic toothbrush.

Am I any good at this shtick?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-x8nh949JQ

fridge reference,clever.....

Reading that comic, as well as all these comments... scared now.

Who the hell is writing for these magazines?! Is it done by a secretive bunch of men-haters? I mean, who prescribes a sting in the arse as a viable way to spice things up? Hell, you want to do that? It's easy! Guys love food, we really love bacon. Bacon play, right there (don't slap it on right off the stove though). You want to assert yourself in a dominant manner for the night? Drop the bees and beesuit in a fire, keep the honey (for later maybe) and get some handcuffs or something, or hell just screw all that and push 'em down and mount em up!

If you're wanting to be weird though... well... definitely warn us. Please, please warn us first. We don't want to walk into a sex carnival hosted by little people and you strapped into something that looks like it needs a masters degree in engineering just to put together, much less operate.

There, all you need to know. Now where's my money?

At least we don't have to worry about the same magazines telling men how to please their women huh?

One of my friends read in one of those magazines that you could put a wire coat hanger up the penis as a turn on. She tried it the boyfriend was not pleased at all.

Boudica:
Putting something in your girlfriend's ass: "Anal! Score!"
Girlfriend putting something in your ass: "Why the fuck would you do that?!"

I don't get it.

Is there some weird delusion some people have that because some women like penis in their vagina, they like having things in their ass any more than men? Most women don't. Hell, most gay men don't practice anal sex very often.

So we just going to forget the fact that one of the main motivations for women to want to do anal was inspired from the abstinence movement where women would keep their virginity but instead take it up their arse?

Or are we also going to ignore the fact that not all men actually like anal and the actual practice of anal sex is often a very how to say it disease ridden act. Especially when you consider that not many people actually think of what it would actually take to have anal sex that is both safe for both parties in the act.

What you are imagining is simply the same false assumption that is displayed by the media and the general consensus of the internet and not actual reality.

mental_looney:
One of my friends read in one of those magazines that you could put a wire coat hanger up the penis as a turn on. She tried it the boyfriend was not pleased at all.

Because a thick, jagged wire being jammed into a urethra isn't an immediately horrible-sounding idea.

I do not know your friend but I can immediately tell she is a scary person.

We're sliding down a slippery slope here. With all this male penetration us dudes might just pair off and... wait... YESSSSSS

image

Source

Strange. The girl somehow reminded me of Kathleen from LRR... and that behavior did not at all surprise me, for some reason.

Sorry Kathleen... and Graham.

Lord Beautiful:

mental_looney:
One of my friends read in one of those magazines that you could put a wire coat hanger up the penis as a turn on. She tried it the boyfriend was not pleased at all.

Because a thick, jagged wire being jammed into a urethra isn't an immediately horrible-sounding idea.

I do not know your friend but I can immediately tell she is a scary person.

She was super nice and bubbly, but never the brightest so not scary just misguided.

mental_looney:
...just misguided.

You see, I find that scary.

Hey, as long as it's a woman, I don't have an issue.

DrgoFx:
Well I'll be damned. And I thought pleasing men was a simple, almost effortless act that any woman could perform without any real planning.

It really is, but magazines can't tell you that. How is Cosmo supposed to make money if it's not telling you how ugly you are? And how much prettier you could be if you bought the latest designer clothes and makeup, bleached your asshole, dropped 50 pounds, and took a class in acrobatics so you can perform Cirque du Soleil in the bedroom for your boyfriend who is also an underwear model?

I always wondered who actually took those sections seriously. I mean, why would some semi illiterate person writing for some home ec magazine know more about how a penis works than the owner of said penis?

I mean, I dunno about the rest of you guys, but I've been using a penis(mine) for things other than urination at least 12 years now. I'm pretty much THE expert in the fields of Mypenisology AND Mypenisonomy. If there are any questions at all about the subject, I'm absolutely positive that I am the person to go to about them.

I believe Dave Chappelle said it best in one of his stand up comedy acts:

"The problem is that women get too much advice about men from other women. You'll see a ladies' magazine that says "100 Ways to Please Your Man...by: Some Lady." Pfffft, really? That list is just 4 things long: suck his dick, play with his balls, fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much."

Really is that simple. ;3

All those women's magazine sex tips are all completely overthought. I present to you my number 1 tip to get your man aroused and in the mood.

-Take your clothes off.

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