Top Ten Sex Tips

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Alright I didn't see anyone ask this, so I guess I have to.

If you want to make love with your partner more fun/pleasurable for them, why not just ask them what they want to do?
It seems like a non-problem to me, but who can clam to understand all people and their "reasoning"?

Anyway, funny comic. :) Thanks.

Boudica:
Putting something in your girlfriend's ass: "Anal! Score!"
Girlfriend putting something in your ass: "Why the fuck would you do that?!"

I don't get it.

Well, to be fair, the "something" in each of those two scenarios needs to be chosen very carefully.

I think I once read advice in a magazine telling the girl to gently bite the guy during oral sex.

I'm not a guy, so I don't know, but that doesn't sound like something I'd even want attempted on my person. :p

Paradoxrifts:

*Consults list of PG-rated fetishes safe to mention on the Escapist*

Run a nice hot soapy bath so that you can soak together naked at least as deep to the upper chest. Put a blindfold on them and then slowly, sensuously start brushing their teeth as you cradle them from behind. Use a soft bristle brush and be gentle but firm, and whatever you do..

Don't ruin the moment by using an automatic toothbrush.

Am I any good at this shtick?

....Is this serious? I mean, it sounds too funny to be true.

Here's a tip about the tip, for the ladies. If he says 'Just the tip', it's *never* just the tip.

You know what it takes to please your man? Be engaging and engaged. It's not a science but it has to be reciprocated otherwise it'll not last the weekend you try it. He wants you to listen to some music or maybe watch a show, do it! Nothing is more annoying when you try to include someone in something and they shut you down constantly (for me anyway). also not every man is the same.

For sphincter stimulation I suggest a slight stroke; sticking sizable staples of stuff would cause a significant sting.

I have found with the women I have been with they all have their own places which I have play fully dubbed "Horny Spots". These spots are not in the conventional areas; they can be found anywhere on the body and caressing, kissing or even skin on skin contact with these zones will work help your partner achieve orgasm or get in the mood. For example the neck, ears, base of the spine, butt cheeks, ears, inside of the thighs, feet, back of the knee, area around the belly button and the obvious one the lips are all spots that your partner may have an affinity for. If you are not sure I suggest you either ask or find out for yourself.

I don't like these sweeping generalizations on male sexuality, showing up naked and trying to unbuckle my trousers I'm going to think you are a mad woman. As for what works for me is close body contact, it drives me crazy when a woman is against my bare chest and during intercourse having the skin on skin contact is what helps me to agree.

As a recently graduated high school student, I have actually had the misfortune of seeing someone dressed as a sexy Teletubby. I would also like to point out that my friends and I have actually made the reading of Cosmopolitan sex tips and the like into something akin to watching The Room every time we feel like a cringe and a laugh.

Have sex outside.
Have sex in a car.
Dress up as something tiresomely predictable (French Maid, Nun, Tellytubby, etc.)
Massage your man with sensual oils from these undeclared advertising partners.
Insert an entire ham into his rectum.

Ah Cosmo, I'd recognize you anywhere.

Although, to be honest, most of that isn't terrible advice. Just... bland.

Sex outside - make sure the planned location is A) flat, B) an appropriate temperature, C) sheltered, D) that you have something large and soft (like a thick quilt) to lay out on the ground first. It can be romantic... not sure it really hits "hot" but whatever.

Sex in a car - probably not full sex (again, unless you have a limo or a creepy van) but hand-jobs, oral sex, etc all works pretty well. Also make-outs if you're going old-school.

Dress Up - yes, they usually are tiresomely predictable. However, they don't HAVE to be. Having done some cos-play at Anime cons... those outfits often work VERY well for this sort of thing. ^^

Massage - this one works very well. Just make sure to keep the pressure light unless specifically asked otherwise. Also, massage oil makes great hand-job lube. Better yet, use the KY massage lube so that it won't eat through any condoms you might be using (which some massage oils might do).

Insert object into butt - actually, this works REALLY well. So long as the guy is relaxed, and you have plenty of that KY massage oil lube, and the object is a proper anal toy designed for that purpose, then the results can be VERY impressive. Like, really, really impressive. ^^ However, do NOT attempt with random objects or without lube.

And I can throw a few more out there...

Clubbing Corset - That is, a corset for clubbing. They don't have any boning, so they are WAY more comfortable, but they LOOK really hot.

Light bondage - Get some of those velcro straps and let him tie you up. It's velcro, so you can get out at any time, but it feels very kinky, and may appeal to his fantasies.

Public Sex - not outside, but in some slightly risky indoor location. Go to a movie that's been out a week or two already and isn't that popular. Sit far away from anyone else there, and try to avoid obvious spots (never try the back row, the ushers check there). Also, avoid full sex - stick with hand-jobs and oral. Full sex is too noisy, obvious, and honestly movie theaters aren't that clean so the more clothing that stays on the better. However, exchanging hand-jobs has almost no risk of touching any sensitive parts to the theater, is fairly quiet, and doesn't require anyone leaving their seat or doing anything particularly suspect. And, from a distance, you just look like you're holding hands or maybe making out - totally legal at a theater.
Another popular location are college libraries. They are often multi-story, not well patrolled, and there is little-to-no-chance of being caught by a 10 year old.

Roleplaying - Sure, you can do the stupid porn scenarios, but I prefer the nerdier version. See, I play D&D (well Pathfinder, but whatever) and so does my spouse. We often play together. And our characters often become involved. So... after the game, when we're home, our 'characters' can spend a night together. VERY sexy. ^^
Oh, and we once did this with our Dragon Age characters (ie, we pretended to be them). And our Skyrim characters. Also, it turns out I do a very good Tali voice... ... you get the idea.

Guest Stars - If you're very comfortable in your relationship, you can invite extra players to the bedroom. If you're worried about a three-way being awkward, consider swinging with another couple. "Soft swinging" doesn't involve full sex, just foreplay and voyeurism (ie, sex and a live show for both couples). If everyone has a good time, then you can meet again.. perhaps work up to "full swing" (everyone has sex) if everything goes well. However, it's important to make sure everyone is one the same page when you set things up. What are the rules - who can touch whom (some guys get upset about the idea of their 'junk' touching, whereas others enjoy a good double penetration).

Wow, I could write a whole column on this myself, couldn't I? Well, I have read a lot of Cosmo (and Vogue) so I guess I know the style. :p

Scars Unseen:

Daystar Clarion:

We need to go deeper...

That's number 7 on the list.

Oh god.

ThunderCavalier:
I wonder when one of those magazines will just try screwing with us and write down, "Google Rule 34 without Safesearch; do act performed in first picture seen."

image

Eh, I dunno.

I mean, I'm a horribly lonely virgin lad, but still. Hardly risqué.

trollpwner:

Paradoxrifts:

*Consults list of PG-rated fetishes safe to mention on the Escapist*

Run a nice hot soapy bath so that you can soak together naked at least as deep to the upper chest. Put a blindfold on them and then slowly, sensuously start brushing their teeth as you cradle them from behind. Use a soft bristle brush and be gentle but firm, and whatever you do..

Don't ruin the moment by using an automatic toothbrush.

Am I any good at this shtick?

....Is this serious? I mean, it sounds too funny to be true.

For true. Also using them thar cotton swabs in the ears.

Well, I'm gonna need some Brain Bleach(tm) after this to get these "sex tips" out of my mind. There are a couple of Cracked articles that may have inspired today's strip:
http://www.cracked.com/article_19066_7-psychotic-pieces-relationship-advice-from-cosmo.html
http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-sex-tips-from-cosmo-that-will-put-you-in-hospital/

I pity the poor men who have women in their lives who read that stuff.

Daystar Clarion:

DVS BSTrD:

Daystar Clarion:
Oh beehive!

...

...

I'll show myself out...

This works well as a response because this video is about another Ashleigh


Watch yo self boi!

An Ashley, commenting on a comic featuring Ashley, gets quoted with an Ashleigh.

We need to go deeper...

Ashception!

Haha, yeah that's-

Wait, your name's Ashley!? 0o I never knew that.

I know just enough of the sorts of things that are suggested in magazines like Cosmo to have constructed the following text Venn diagram:

( Women who follow advice given in Cosmo ) ( Women who I'll let touch my genitalia )

If the site let me put as much empty space between the two as I wanted, you'd need a triple-monitor setup to read my post without scrolling.

Reminds me of the SMBC Thea-

Zombie_Fish:
NOT THE BE-

bliebblob:
I'll just leave this here... (works best with eyes closed)

God damnit, ninja'd again!

Personally, I think I can speak on behalf of men in general when I recommend just going through these tips (safe for work).

... You win this round, sir. >.>
OT: There could me some thing's I'd accept in that matter but ogod, this comic is scary as hell .-.

This would be perfect if the couple was Nicholas Cage and Oprah

Genuine Evil:

Have sex outside.

Sounds super uncomfortable

Have sex in a car.

Not unless it's a limo or you are both midgets

Clearly you've never had awesome outdoor or car sex before. Unless you're a 7-foot behemoth, even a regular-sized four-door has more than enough room for sex, and is actually the place that I've had it most.

As far as outside, my first time was with my freshman girlfriend in an open field in the middle of the woods, and it was quite enjoyable.

Boudica:
Putting something in your girlfriend's ass: "Anal! Score!"
Girlfriend putting something in your ass: "Why the fuck would you do that?!"

I don't get it.

Is there some weird delusion some people have that because some women like penis in their vagina, they like having things in their ass any more than men? Most women don't.

I think it's more to do with the langauge surrounding sex. A man 'penetrates' a woman, and he is often considered the one who is 'fucking' her. The reversal of the situation is almost a reversal of sexual roles and I guess that could be emasculaing? For homosexual individuals it would be considered more the norm (even if anal sex isn't as commonplace as many believe) but there still seems to be a perceived 'giver' and 'taker' in the relationship, with the 'giver' being considered the 'stronger' man.

That's a guess made up on the spot, but hey. My ex-girlfriend was the one to ask me to try anal and she watched a helluva lot of porn, so I know where her inspiration for it came from.

EDIT -

Whoops, forgot the topic...

OT:

Every time someone has taken sexual advise from a magazine it has almost always made me wince with pain or embarrassment. Cosmo writers especially seem to have a vague idea of what men are and how their anatomy works: and following their advise my ex-girlfriend made me bleed and have to stop having sex for a month.

...I have never forgiven them.

Infernai:

Daystar Clarion:

DVS BSTrD:

This works well as a response because this video is about another Ashleigh


Watch yo self boi!

An Ashley, commenting on a comic featuring Ashley, gets quoted with an Ashleigh.

We need to go deeper...

Ashception!

Haha, yeah that's-

Wait, your name's Ashley!? 0o I never knew that.

You sound surprised :D

Why? What was you expecting my name to be?

The French maid/exotic costume thing might work since I think the biggest turn on is expelling without a shadow of a doubt that want for sex is mutual, I mean most guys always want sex it's like a given but girls have all this emotional baggage shit attached to it you might as well be dancing on a hamstring over a pool full of magma sharks.
my point being that if you think a girl might want sex, and you push for sex, worst case scenario you wind up being demonized in front of everyone you have ever known and a good deal of the people you will ever know as she spreads the news to your peers, on the flip side if you think she might want sex and you don't push for sex, worst case scenario you look a little gay or at the very least uninterested which I guess is attractive by today's standards anyways so it's win win.
I almost never make the first move anymore >_>

Paradoxrifts:

daftalchemist:

Blade_125:
Why do these magazines need to be so complex. This is all they need to say.

How to please you man. Show up naked. Bring beer.

Well, yeah, it's that simple. But, quite frankly, it gets boring. It's something I've griped about to my boyfriend before, and he agrees with me. There are so many different areas on women for guys to play with, but there's only like two or so things on guys for girls to play with. So when you're just playing with the same two things all the time, it gets really boring and it makes you want more things to play with. And then you have to come up with weird shit to make sexy times more interesting so you can keep having fun with it.

*Consults list of PG-rated fetishes safe to mention on the Escapist*

Run a nice hot soapy bath so that you can soak together naked at least as deep to the upper chest. Put a blindfold on them and then slowly, sensuously start brushing their teeth as you cradle them from behind. Use a soft bristle brush and be gentle but firm, and whatever you do..

Don't ruin the moment by using an automatic toothbrush.

Am I any good at this shtick?

Nah, man. You have to keep it practical. Apartment bathtubs are barely big enough to fit one person, let alone two.

Im fine with the bees, now if only I had the bee keeper...
image

The back of a bus could please a man
Women's mags be crazy

Maybe he likes it. Maybe he likes his women like he likes his coffee

COVERED IN BEES

(Because he's an apiculturist, get it? Get it? It's an Eddie Izzard joke that - oh, never mind, internet.)

TopazFusion:

It improves the flavor!

I'm sorry...

But I simply have to know where you got that gif as your avatar, and where I can find the video.

*Edit*

Apologies for accidentally misquoting Rayen.

sad thing is there is somebody outthere who has a fetish for bees shoved up their ass.

And was that emoticon for an asshole? i had thought that kind of behaviour was below that of a member of an escapist...

Daystar Clarion:

Infernai:

Daystar Clarion:

An Ashley, commenting on a comic featuring Ashley, gets quoted with an Ashleigh.

We need to go deeper...

Ashception!

Haha, yeah that's-

Wait, your name's Ashley!? 0o I never knew that.

You sound surprised :D

Why? What was you expecting my name to be?

Daniel Ammet of all things. Don't ask me why the hell that one popped into my head, it just did Ash.

...I am allowed to call you Ash right? Incidentally, you are free to try to guess my name.

--

Loop Stricken:
[
For true. Also using them thar cotton swabs in the ears.

image

Well, different strokes for different goats folks, eh?

trollpwner:

Loop Stricken:
[
For true. Also using them thar cotton swabs in the ears.

image

Well, different strokes for different goats folks, eh?

Do you not find cleaning your ears to be an enjoyable sensation?

image

Lancer873:
Reminds me of the SMBC Thea-

Zombie_Fish:
NOT THE BE-

bliebblob:
I'll just leave this here... (works best with eyes closed)

God damnit, ninja'd again!

Personally, I think I can speak on behalf of men in general when I recommend just going through these tips (safe for work).

... You win this round, sir. >.>

Beaten to it: Ninja a post, then touch him on the penis.

Loop Stricken:

trollpwner:

Loop Stricken:
[
For true. Also using them thar cotton swabs in the ears.

image

Well, different strokes for different goats folks, eh?

Do you not find cleaning your ears to be an enjoyable sensation?

image

That is the single greatest gif I have ever seen. You are a god among men for bring it to me.

I quite literally laughed at loud. Then I looked at the last frame and did it again.

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