Top Ten Sex Tips

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Okay, two things.

One: The guy in the middle panel is creepy as hell

Two: The girl with the expression on her face and hands on the guys body and the way she says what she says makes me hot and bothered.

And this came to be without any awareness of "The Diamond Club"?

I guess there really is a time for everything. :P

DVS BSTrD:

Hjalmar Fryklund:

DVS BSTrD:
Rectum? DAMN NEAR KILLED EM!

Yeah, nothing good is gonna cum out of this.

Sphincter? I just met her!

Sounds rather stiff though, wouldn't you agree?

Also, I seem to have encountered a technical issue; I didn't even get quote massaged about your reply.

Loop Stricken:

Do you not find cleaning your ears to be an enjoyable sensation?

It's just it had never occurred to me to feel aroused about it. And now I have to feel guilty afterwards too....

trollpwner:

Loop Stricken:

Do you not find cleaning your ears to be an enjoyable sensation?

It's just it had never occurred to me to feel aroused about it. And now I have to feel guilty afterwards too....

Oh, I'm not saying it's specifically arousing. Not when I do it by myself anyway.

mental_looney:
One of my friends read in one of those magazines that you could put a wire coat hanger up the penis as a turn on. She tried it the boyfriend was not pleased at all.

Auuuuuuugh! >< Why would you *do* that? I'm not even *male* and I'm cringing. (For more AUUUUGH on that, read the short story "Guts." It's by the same guy who wrote Fight Club. And then be scarred for life.)

Also, for people who like to make fun of Cosmo, there is an entire series of articles on that called Cosmocking (just Google it). It's hilarious. And...sad, in a way. :P

Insert an entire ham into his rectum

For the love of all that IS and ever WILL BE!! We cook and EAT the ham, not devistate someone's bunghole with it!

OT: Those magazines really do scare me, because they convince women that men are either some sort of 'deep thinking sensitive stoic a-holes' or 'sexed-crazed loony who WILL rape you' I know it's general topic and the like, but can we get women's magazines to write about something else? "How to Improve Your Career in 30 days!" "Looking Inward and Making Peace" or "The Ol' Girls Club Guide to Cigar Smocking" Doesn't matter the topic, just let us men have our 'staring off into space time' and such...

mattinkent:

http://www.nerve.com/advice/ridiculous-tips/the-best-of-ridiculous-tips-for-a-miserable-sex-life-emcosmopolitan-em-edition

This was both hilarious and very depressing because its an actually thing with actually advice that people have actually given :(.

also 23 and 27 were the funniest things I have read all week haha

Honestly I think the issue with Cosmo is that it's written for the "everywoman", the lowest common denominator which makes up most of society. What seems like common sense, or common knowlege, to us really isn't so common when you look at normal people.

The typical target for articles like this are fairly sheltered women who were probably at best "average" looking and are remaining sexually interested at around the time their husbands are losing interest in sex. Most of the readers being women we'd probably derrogotarily call hambeasts, due to the way they further let themselves go once they were married. It's not nessicarly right, or nice to be insulting, but it's a point of consideration. These articles keep being written because they sell to people who think they help, which in turn generally tells you something about them, and their likely situation to have this problem to begin with. I could say more about it, but I don't want to start an arguement. The basic point here being that if your laughing at an article like that it's because your not the intended audience. Cosmo also carries articles on a lot of things, while that's a common one, it takes a shotgun approach to women's issues, not everyone who reads Cosmo is doing so for that paticular type of advice (an important point to make).

In the end things directed at the "everyman" seem quaint and even stupid to someone who isn't in that demographic. On a site like The Escapist, which is dedicated to mental escapism for a fringe that is outside of the mainstream, your pretty much by definition not the everyman, and truthfully even if your a 40 year old virgin ironically probably know more about sex and other subjects this is covering than most people do, even if you don't practice it yourself (as odd as that sounds). Consider for example that people here are talking about things like cosplay, jokes about rule 34, etc... many people are surprisingly fairly uncomfortable with porn and similar material, and are taught to stay away from it which is a problem in of itself for a lot of reasons I won't go into. If you mention cosplay or rule 34 to most people on the street they will have no idea what your talking about. Dressing up in a costume for sex is something many who haven't seen a lot of porn of adult material might not know much about.

Guffe:
auauauauauauaauauauaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That shit would sting like really bad!!!

Well, that is the general idea.

Usually when bees are used in S&M play they aren't inserted, they are placed in jars which are then secured over the hands, feet, or other softer regions, typically while the victim is restrained in some fashion. If the number is limited and the person isn't allergic it can be quite painful without doing any actual damage.

As horrifying as that picture is, just feel lucky she wasn't coming in with a cage of gerbils, snakes, or a bunch of earthworms and a plastic or cardboard tube. That's truer to life, and let's just say part of the problem with something like bees is they would die too quick.

Of course I figure part of the joke is how utterly wrong the whole thing is on so many levels. :)

Let's just say that in my years in casino security I'd imagine there isn't much that didn't happen in the hotel, some of the EMS (Emergency Medical Services) responses could be quite disturbing, and you'd be surprised at what gets loose. The bee thing, it's not quite as uncommon as you might think, but then you get that "special" someone who doesn't get it and wants to use wasps, and then in breaking the jars in a hurry the wasps get loose, then we've got wasps flying around the hotel because the "lady" in question decided to open the door and started shooing them out into the hallway instead of putting on robes with her friend and going out into the hallway to wait and keeping them contained... ensuring they became everyone's problem and not only would we spend the night on a bug hunt and fielding guest complaints, but also need to see an exterminator called in to make sure. :)

Stuff like this makes for fun stories and factoids on the internet, but was a bit less fun to deal with at the time. At any rate if you ever wonder why some hotels actually spell out their no animals policies in places besides "pets", let's just say you'd be surprised at what some people transport for "professional purposes".

BishopofAges:

Insert an entire ham into his rectum

For the love of all that IS and ever WILL BE!! We cook and EAT the ham, not devistate someone's bunghole with it!

OT: Those magazines really do scare me, because they convince women that men are either some sort of 'deep thinking sensitive stoic a-holes' or 'sexed-crazed loony who WILL rape you' I know it's general topic and the like, but can we get women's magazines to write about something else? "How to Improve Your Career in 30 days!" "Looking Inward and Making Peace" or "The Ol' Girls Club Guide to Cigar Smocking" Doesn't matter the topic, just let us men have our 'staring off into space time' and such...

Well, they need to make their money, and pop psychology that attempts to provide easy answers to complicated problems has always been an easy sell for people. In general I think that their "everywoman" audience is such where they just use a general pop-psych shotgun and let people decide what to project onto their own relationship.

To be fair, men's magazines are just as bad, I've had the misfortune to read more than a few of them. The men's magazine version tends to focus on things like how to say 'no' to your other, how to detect if they are cheating on you (same stuff in reverse), and works under the pretension that women are pretty much all emasculating ice queens, or gold diggers, or just out to land a provider at which point they plan to stop carring about themselves, get fat, and expect to be taken care of.

All of the stereotypes on both sides of the "gender magazine" equasion have a lot of truth, stereotypes exist because they are true in a large number of cases, and can be used to predict a lot of things (sociology works for a reason) but it's not true in every case. These magazines prey on people who are in bad relationships to begin with (seeking advice) or people who are naive, and mostly focus on the negative stereotypes and toss the reader from one degree of bad to another in their expectations. Solutions are generic, because really you can't be specific without knowing the people in question.

Honestly, I'll also say that I've never quite understood women's fascination with butts. One thing that kind of gets me is that there is this perception that this is what guys are fascinated by being involved in, yet to be honest it seems like girls are the ones checking out butts far more often and coming up with all of this wierd stuff, a point reinforced by a lot of this relationship advice. I mean yes, it is potentially a major erodiginous zone, but I think women tend to seriously overestimate men's interest in their rears. To put it bluntly you might notice most guys don't go around talking about how they had a great prostrate exam (even with a lady doctor) or similar things (though like everything, there are exceptions).

I always read top ten sex tips lists in the hopes that I'll run into something interesting and just plain stupid to let me know they aren't serious. Like a coded message screaming, "Oh God, get me out of this place. There can't be people that actually do this."

I'll start.

The Charizard: Pull out of your partner, light her pubic hair on fire, attempt to extinguish the flame with the brave men and women of your underpants navy, then proceed to flap your arms whilst shouting, "YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BADGES TO TRAIN MEEEE!"

At about that point, I'd know they were just begging for the sweet relief of sanity and unemployment, in that order.

Therumancer:

Guffe:
auauauauauauaauauauaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That shit would sting like really bad!!!

Stuff like this makes for fun stories and factoids on the internet, but was a bit less fun to deal with at the time. At any rate if you ever wonder why some hotels actually spell out their no animals policies in places besides "pets", let's just say you'd be surprised at what some people transport for "professional purposes".

That's insane O.o
I mean... what? no?
I'll never start working in a hotel thanks to you!

Have sex outside.
Have sex in a car.
Dress up as something tiresomely predictable (French Maid, Nun, Tellytubby, etc.)
Massage your man with sensual oils from these undeclared advertising partners.
Insert an entire ham into his rectum.

...aaannnd reshuffle & reword for the next article! ...and the next and the next lol

Have sex outside.
Have sex in a car.

Being caught doing either of those in the USA would mean both people involved get registered as sex offenders.
The kind that has to notify the neighbors and nobody will know that you are not really a pedo or a rapist.

Boudica:
Girlfriend putting something in your ass: "Why the fuck would you do that?!"

I don't get it.

Maybe its cuz his behind IS NOT prepared for something like that? Just sayin

Varun Garuda Maharaj:

Boudica:
Girlfriend putting something in your ass: "Why the fuck would you do that?!"

I don't get it.

Maybe its cuz his behind IS NOT prepared for something like that? Just sayin

What about being a woman makes your ass any more ready for things intruding into it? Vagina =/= ass.

Boudica:

Varun Garuda Maharaj:

Boudica:
Girlfriend putting something in your ass: "Why the fuck would you do that?!"

I don't get it.

Maybe its cuz his behind IS NOT prepared for something like that? Just sayin

What about being a woman makes your ass any more ready for things intruding into it? Vagina =/= ass.

Well, nothing. It all depends on the individual i guess

Ten years later as I lie on the fetal position near the end of my psychological therapy session...

"I can still...hear them... They won't stop...buzzing..."

Captcha says: "It's Super Delicious"

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