Escape to the Movies: Branded

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Branded

MovieBob gives us all a blunt review of Branded.

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I liked Southland Tales. It was... interesting.

Pretentious with pointless overwrought CGI imagery and popular ironically? Too bad it doesn't have scantily clad chicks fighting giant robot samurai.
-_-

It's funny, when Bob tells me I'm wrong to see Sucker Punch as a thin plot over stupid action, I think he's off his gourd. But then he writes a review for a movie like this, and I believe every word of it. I guess it's because the trailers seemed so ham-fisted anyway. Glad to know I pegged this right.

Oh... wow... I hope someone picks up a phone because I would like to say I CALLED IT!!!...

Well... anyways, just from the trailers I could tell this movie was going to be a bad attampt at mimicing "They Live" and had already wrote it off.

Fatpocalypse is an awesome word!

A movie so stupid that not even Max Von Sydow can save it!? Oh boy...

Oh man The Stuff. We still get confused here since the LA title translation is "La Cosa" or "The thing" which is also of course the translation of Jhon Carpenter's "The Thing" and also the translation of "The Blob".

Basically we have 3 movies called "The Thing". One is about aliens, the other about a blob, and the other about yogurt.

Oh wow. This is the sort of movie I have a hard time believing even gets made. Even if there are writers for it, who would greenlight this?

Also, yes, modern consumerism is far from perfect, but anyone who seriously tries to argue with a straight face that aggressive marketing is worse than the brutal Police state that the Soviet Union was, that's the point where I slap a bitch.

Never even heard of this movie until now, but the videos Bob played throughout reminded me of another Russian movie, Nightwatch which sounded like a neat premise, but the execution was just a cavalcade of "how much acid do I need to take for this to start being good?" I definitely dislike it when people mishandle easy concepts like this, but considering how my town sucks so much we don't even get The Master, I doubt we'll be getting this any time soon.

I kind of had a feeling the movie was going to be bad, but that was something else.

Nice to see you giving that thing a good place to rest. Thanks for the review Bob!

Wow! This movie was so bad it caused Bob's accent to return!

Crap...and I was kind of hoping the advertisements WERE some kind of alien infestation. It would definitely have explained quite a few things.

Hmm I gotta say your review did exactly as you meant it not to. This review has got me interested in seeing this even if it is bad. One thing that has got me a weird is that you seem personally offended by the "Evils of obesity" message of the film and it's affected your review However, If that is the message of the film then I agree with it and now you've roped me into seeing it.

The footage showing branded advertising as Madoka Magica'esc monsters eating people and assimilating into mega-monsters would make for an awesome movie. Kinda a shame that's just what seems to be the delusion of someone who's gone batshit and bathed in Cow's Blood.

GamemasterAnthony:
Wow! This movie was so bad it caused Bob's accent to return!

Exactly. That's when you know he's pissed.

Amazing: a movie with Leelee Sobieski, Max von Sydow and Jeffrey Tambor and I STILL don't want to see it.

But I'll tell you, for Leelee, I'm thinking about it...

I'm just sad to see Jeffrey Tambor in this.

Its intresting that MoiveBob did a two part on a movie that a good point to make but ultimily got lost in poor storytelling and people not just seeing at as a movie with hot chicks and actions and now he has to review a movie that throws its point in your face because of poor storytelling. It really shows that in order to show the point of a story it takes a good storytelling to make that point without throwing it in your face and having it yell "look at me! Look at me! I'm the point of the movie!!"

Wow just the plot of that movie sounds awful.

Enough is never Enough!

Bob, you hit my nerd nerve once again with reference to 'The Stuff' and here I thought I was one of the few people who saw let alone remembered that film. Well played sir Bob, well played.

Not really, but I like to yell this from time to time. The Simpsons Already Did It. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treehouse_of_Horror_VI

Still that sounds like it could be an interesting idea for a movie if it were done right, but obviously it was not. The Stuff does indeed look awesome... and it's on netflix. Oh yeah.

You know Bob really hates it when you hear the leaks of his real accent coming out. :p

This review is poorly timed for two reasons:

1. A lot of Bob's criticisms of this movie could VERY easily apply to "Sucker Punch",

and

2. We just had a thread about "fat acceptance" a while back, so now the conditions are pretty much perfect for a 2-week long Forum Shitstorm about whether or not it's OK to be fat. Incidentally, (and this is coming from a guy who is not exactly skinny, but used to be bigger) my take is that it is NOT OK to be fat. Not because fat people are ugly or whatever, but it's fucking unhealthy and health is important.

PS: Don't get me wrong, that movie sounds fucking awful. I mean, cow slaughter? What the fuck?

Hmm the movie doesn't sound interesting in the least but I gotta throw this out there. You couldn't be slightly biased against it being a bigger guy yourself, Bob?

It is sort of interesting that western society seems to be caught between "you shouldn't feel bad about your weight" and "if you're fat you're probably gonna die like tomorrow." I mean, we have the First Lady telling kids directly it's bad to be fat and then we expect them as teenagers to not shop at Hot Topic and cut themselves when they start to get chubby and to have high self-esteem.

I think the movie might be saying more than meets the eye, Bob. Maybe you just didn't "get it". Maybe I should watch it and do a 2-part video series on why you're wrong.

MacNille:
A movie so stupid that not even Max Von Sydow can save it!? Oh boy...

He also did Judge Dredd (which admittedly was fun in its own right)

You made it sound midly interesting. If i was to watch a movie and i had to choose between a few midly interesting movies i might choose this one.

This review comes out of the blue... I had expectations for this movie.

Guess I'll see it, it sounds too peculiar to judge without knowing.

Don't worry, Bob, you didn't make it sound interesting. You made it not make any damn sense. Which apparently isn't very hard. Sounds like a total trainwreck.

Don't get me wrong, from this review the movie sounds awful, but I do find it interesting when you consider it is a Russian movie about the evils of consumerism being poorly received in the Western world.

It somehow feels like we've come full circle.

LoathsomePete:
Never even heard of this movie until now, but the videos Bob played throughout reminded me of another Russian movie, Nightwatch which sounded like a neat premise, but the execution was just a cavalcade of "how much acid do I need to take for this to start being good?" I definitely dislike it when people mishandle easy concepts like this, but considering how my town sucks so much we don't even get The Master, I doubt we'll be getting this any time soon.

Yeah, Nightwatch sucked pretty bad. The book series it's based on is awesome, though, although I don't know how well it's translated (or if at all).

I wonder if Russian movie making will ever be as good as in the USSR again. So many masterpieces were made back then but nowadays it's all about crappy CGI or mafia.

DVS BSTrD:
Pretentious with pointless overwrought CGI imagery and popular ironically? Too bad it doesn't have scantily clad chicks fighting giant robot samurai.
-_-

ZING!

Haha, I was waiting for someone to say that.

OT: Fatpocolypse does sound like an incredible premise for a film.... Just putting that out there.

Abandon4093:

DVS BSTrD:
Pretentious with pointless overwrought CGI imagery and popular ironically? Too bad it doesn't have scantily clad chicks fighting giant robot samurai.
-_-

ZING!

Haha, I was waiting for someone to say that.

OT: Fatpocolypse does sound like an incredible premise for a film.... Just putting that out there.

That was an episode of the new Doctor Who wasn't it?

Smertnik:

LoathsomePete:
Never even heard of this movie until now, but the videos Bob played throughout reminded me of another Russian movie, Nightwatch which sounded like a neat premise, but the execution was just a cavalcade of "how much acid do I need to take for this to start being good?" I definitely dislike it when people mishandle easy concepts like this, but considering how my town sucks so much we don't even get The Master, I doubt we'll be getting this any time soon.

Yeah, Nightwatch sucked pretty bad. The book series it's based on is awesome, though, although I don't know how well it's translated (or if at all).

I wonder if Russian movie making will ever be as good as in the USSR again. So many masterpieces were made back then but nowadays it's all about crappy CGI or mafia.

Definitely, I mean I'm sure there's modern day pieces that stand up to classics like Stalker and Solaris... those are really the only two classic Russian movies I can think of off the top of my head, and they're both directed by the same guy so please excuse me as I take myself and my wilting film buff penis aside.

DVS BSTrD:

Abandon4093:

DVS BSTrD:
Pretentious with pointless overwrought CGI imagery and popular ironically? Too bad it doesn't have scantily clad chicks fighting giant robot samurai.
-_-

ZING!

Haha, I was waiting for someone to say that.

OT: Fatpocolypse does sound like an incredible premise for a film.... Just putting that out there.

That was an episode of the new Doctor Who wasn't it?

LOL

Totally forgot about that.

The fatmonsters that use human fat to reproduce.

.... Good times.

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