I Wrote That Crap!

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I Wrote That Crap!

MovieBob confesses one of his darkest secrets.

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*Backs away slowly not taking his eye off the crazy writer...*

Actually, these sound pretty entertaining in a B-movie way. I'd watch them.

The Gentleman:
*Backs away slowly not taking his eye off the crazy writer...*

*But stares at him with fearful respect*


Okay, I know pwople are suppose to say things like, "Oh, but Bob, those sound like awesome movies!" and shit like that, but there is no way I can do it, those were just... wow...

Im freaking speechless... so its a good thing Im not talking but typing.

Ye gods.

I, uh... that was... yeah.

Y'know, I suddenly feel much, much better about the stuff I write.

...Holy shit.

I got to admire the brass balls you got for owning up to those works, Bob. I mean, if I had something like that stowed away, I would have poured a gallon of white-out on the physical copies, threw 'em in a wood chipper, and then ate the shavings so I could vomit them into car compactor.

Then again, they're two more scripts than I've ever attempted to write, so...good on you there.

BWAHAHAHAHAhahaha...oh, wow. Heehee...
Seriously, bad though those might have been, they were HILARIOUS to read about. What were you on in those days, and are you willing to share some of it with us?

Thanks for sharing Mr. Movie BOb! ^^ If you get anything on screen (and please do) I'll go see it.

This guy has imagination that boils at room temperature!!!

Some of my friends have been critical of your more political episodes of The Big Picture (mainly the ones about racism/sexism/gamers generally being assholes online), suggesting that you were white knighting and had a big ego. To me, admitting to writing... that... helps balance things quite a bit.

I wrote some truly terrible fiction at about the same age, but thankfully I threw it away. The main character for one of them was a terrible Mary Sue... any time your characters can be compared to John Galt, you have a problem. And yes, I had a thing for Ayn Rand. GAH!

Well... you can make a good movie out of anything.

Uuuummm...okay, Bob, I think I could have lived without knowing something like that ever existed. But now I'll never know, will I?

Heh. The "kiss my asp" line could be a winner though.. it's super cheese.

And this is one of the reasons I love Bob so much: He has absolutely no qualms about pointing out his own foibles. He knows his strengths, he knows his weaknesses, and he's honest about both.

Also, as I was editing this, I read portions out loud to the Escapist offices. Because...well, how could I not?

but Bob it goes Screenplay->script->Directing/acting so I think that maybe the second one could have done well. script probably would have played down the venom, and vial emo stuff, and maybe even played down the main characters "I am the god badass" mindset, but it still might have been ripped to shreds during directing/acting stage.

Kristallnacht, not Kristill.

"Ellis D"; this I love!
One of my therapists is named Ellis (a very uncommon name here), so thanks for the hilarious mental picture! :D

That first one sounds like Troma gold.

No offense Bob, but I could picture scenes of those screenplays in my mind as I read them, and I wished I was blind. You were honest with us saying those were terrible ideas, & I'll be honest and say I agree with you!
This reminds me of an episode of The Critic, where the main character, Jay Sherman, is commissioned to write the script to, I think, Ghostbusters 3, or as he called it: "...the sequel to a sequel to a movie they should never have made in the first place!"
Damn, I'm old.

captcha: have an inkling
As in "I have an inkling that Bob's glad some of his screenplays weren't turned into movies."

Bob. :D You are the Movie Boss.

Thank you for sharing.

Those are terrible. Please, put the laptop down and take your meds.
That being said, I want to watch Ten Days of Weed.
I was laughing very hard at the description.
Thank you I needed that laugh.

Y'know bob.. if you make that 'Ten Nights of the Weed'
into an animated web feature i'd watch it

i've seen worse.

I'm quite glad that people here, well at least not all, aren't kissing Bob's ass and saying "these sound awesome" like I've seen with so many other internet critics, like Rap Critic's fucking awful music.

*looks at facebook comments*

Oh Goddammit

Are you sure these aren't the BEST screenplays you've ever written? If you had a low enough budget and some very "unique" actors you could have some baller cult films.

The shocking thing is - I bet these screenplays are way, way worse than you make them sound :)

"Ten Nights of the Weed"

Ok, someone needs to make that movie ASAP.

Talk about tripping right out of the gate. The horror is how it keeps flopping along at an absurd pace without bothering to pick itself up.

What is it about that age (teenager mostly) that makes creative people DO these things?

My competitive nature wants to one-up you for horrible screen play, but then I remember the "write your own screenplay assignment" I had in school and will live comfortable knowing that I won. My common sense also tells me to burn it.

Well, you did a good job of making "Ten Nights of the Weed" sound awesome, at least in a tongue-in-cheek, deliberately-over-the-top, modern-day-B-movie sort of way. But you said you actually wrote out the entire screenplay, so I'm sure the devil was in the details.

It's clear what's wrong with The Pursuit of Happiness: it was trying to be a 100% serious work of satire from someone who had yet to learn what subtlety was (some professionals never do; just look at some of Family Guy's writers). With a premise like that, it'd be hard to rework it as anything else, but the video game references probably would have done well with the sort of people who loved Scott Pilgrim. On the other hand, we now know from experience how poorly that goes over with mainstream audiences.

Oh, and in case you didn't learn by now: the logic behind the "Justin Bailey" thing was based on something that turned out to not be true. No one in Australia calls swimsuits "baileys" except maybe gamers who are deliberately referencing the old legend. (Hmm. Note to self: Start doing that if I ever move to Australia.)

Have you ever done peyote with the Cinema Snob?
Because you should.

Props to you sir. It takes a lot of balls to admit to doing shitty work.

As for the movies themselves, Ten Nights of the Weed actually sounds pretty fun in a terrible, cheesy, only-watch-after-drinking-ten-shots-of-sake way. If this were the 1980's I can see something like that being picked up for the direct-to-video scene.

Pursuit of Happiness sounds...awful. Again, props to you for not only being able to look back on that and recognize why it was so bad but also for sharing it with the rest of us.

Yeah Ten Nights of the Weed sounds terrible but possibly fun terrible like Hobo with a Shotgun or something. Pursuit of Happiness sounds like actual unfilmable garbage. But all writers make trash sometimes. I have written many many things and I think only one of them was readable and it was a two or three page short story. Everything else was absolute crap.

I take it, Bob, that this is your "Please don't watch The Silver Chalice. Sincerely, Paul Newman." moment. I applaud your candor, especially since I too have written absolutely-awful fiction. I was only saved from my teenage idiocy by not getting to the post-it-online stage of publishing.

I haven't seen The Silver Chalice, but I've trusted Mr. Newman's judgment on this one thus far. That was before I saw screencaps of it someone posted online. I knew this film was a huge wheel of Early Christianity Fiction 50's film cheese, but I was not aware of the silly sets, Orion slave girl cameos, and a costume covered in black sperm cut-outs. Now that I am aware of just how bad this movie is, I'm thinking a MSTie night is in order.

TL;DR It's healing for creative people to own up to the crap they've done. Good for you, Bob.

Those sound like the sort of things that happen in my weird alcohol-induced nightmares, alongside the Pyramid Chav and Cthulhu vs the Giant Cyber Crazy-Frog (Cthulhu was the good guy in that by default :) ).

Ten Nights of Weed could make an entertaining cartoon if done right.

All I can say is, Troma has done worse.


that sounds... interessting(?)

ah damn, I've seen worse.(RE5)
this could be actually great, if done right. its a viilian made of weed, and the other has syringes for arms, and a tap for a hand? a working beer tap? god damn....

i want to see that

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