Jimquisition: The Sh*tiest Games of 2012

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LadyRhian:
Wow, Jim... You have a surprisingly nice voice!

You should listen to Podtoid the podcast he hosts over on Destructoid, he sings quite often on there. He also talks about his problems with Konami on there a bit.

Let no one say I don't give things third and fourth chances. I still can't stand this show. ;__;

GAunderrated:
I'm surprised warZ didn't make it on there.

Probably because like us, there's a December Embargo on these things. With luck, he may bring it up in either a Video in January, New Years Eve OR add it as an honourable mention to next years list X3

Gizmo1990:
What is Jims problem with konami? I agree with him but he seems to really hate them. Is it just that they continue to fuck up some of his favorite game series or did something actually happen between him and konami?

Here, go watch -

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/jimquisition/5524-Konami

OT: They made a Thundercats game based on the 2011 version and it SUCKED?!

...Why do I get the feeling THIS was the reason the show was cancelled? O_O

lobotoja:
Take that fucking hat off you turd blob, or Ill come to visit and stick you with your own dildo sword so you look like a pig ready for roasting not just a fucking hog. Consider yourself intellectual and you wear signs of worse mass-murderers and child rapist the world has seen... nazis were a breeze compared to fucking Bolsheviks you shit for brains fat cunt read some history not just regurgitate the mass fed marketing shit gray masses are fed you as-hole.

I think Jim is the one that needs to do the all raging in these threads, son.

Frank_Sinatra_:
Aww... I wanted the Zone of the Enders HD Collection to be with the Silent Hill HD Collection.
Both of those Konami decided to diddle over a dog house.

Yeah Konami, let's hand ZOE over to a studio who has only made tie-in games for Nickelodeon.
Morons.

Yeah, I simply don't get how they could fuck it up so badly. Both of those HD collections were #1 on my "to get" list when they were announced. I always wait for reviews before buying, and boy, was I glad I did. I can't believe they dropped the ball so badly. Makes me very, very sad.

I find it amazing that WarZ didn't get the number 1 spot! It's even shittier than what was picked!

As Jim said though, as a hardcore title based around Kinect, Steel Battalion has already slimmed down it's target audience so much that there is virtually nobody who gives a fuck about the game.

Well, almost.

Actually Jim, I'm only watching this AFTER spending time with my family already :). As for your stuff, funny. God that damn dildo......

Undeadpool:

Shameless:
No Resident Evil 6 ? color me surprised.

That game was disappointingly mediocre, these games all seemed to be actively on fire.

Especially that 2012 game, that shit makes you forget all about RE5 in terms of amping up the racism. It seriously looks like the kind of thing the KKK or the Aryan Brotherhood would fund as a flash game.

To be honest I agreed with his general sentiments, about all the games, but really I think people need to stop prattling on about racism when there is no present, especially seeing as when people cry racism they don't even seem to know what it is, probably because racism as a mainstream phenomena is dead in the first world. It does exist on the fringes of society however.

Before you fire back, I'd point out that there really ARE games made by racist groups. "Ethnic Cleaning" being one from a white supremacy point of view.

Showing a bunch of primitive and backwards people AS primitive and backwards people is not in any way, shape, or form racist. Calling a guy who literally walks around and throws spears because that is the cutting edge of his availible technology a "spear chucker" isn't racist either. To be racist you have to be making a statement saying that these people are inherantly inferior and could never be any more than that, or by taking a person of a specific ethnicity who is more than that (say a black guy with a first world education and a good job) and saying that they are that when they clearly are not. Calling a banker a spear chucker is racist, calling a tribesman one is not.

At any rate, I never played 2012 due to the horrible reviews, but this is the first time I remember ever hearing it called racist. I seem to remember videos of guys like "Totalbiscuit" playing it, so I have some familiarity with it, and the basic idea is that the ancient mayans and cultists who have been in hiding and keeping the bloodlines pure are trying to bring about Armageddon. Now, I probably shouldn't have to explain to you that ancient mayans were NOT white guys, and didn't exactly fight with guns, what's more these paticular guys have magic. As part of the game setup from various walkthroughs your only able to fight them with very specific "mysical weapons" as anything else is totally ineffective. Sure a guy carrying a spear might seem silly, until you think conceptually that this guy could probably walk through an artillery barrage and slam that spear through a tank. They don't show anything like that so I guess it didn't sink in, but it's implied in the whole "here is the one weapon that can actually do anything here" which you upgrade with differant abillities apparently rather than collecting differant weapons.

To me you really have to stretch in this one to really say there was any racism here. You had people from a primitive civilization acting and looking like it... big frakking whoop. To be racist you'd have to go further than that. For example if their magic did't work or whatever. See a KKK type portrayal would have these guys insisting on acting this way despite common sense in a set of surroundings totally at odd with their behavior, and being unable to cope. If they went running around screaming "bad Juju" and similar statements out of place with the setting and blew powder around which did nothing while they got gunned down (intentionally, not by bad AI) it would be one thing. This game however for all of it's craptastic presentation is taking itself pretty seriously in the sense that these guys are supposed to be ancient mayans/cultists returned, they have working magic, and actully can end the world. By definition you could say it's the opposite of racism since these guys are by definition being defined as the most powerful beings ever. Their magical accomplishments have dwarfed the accomplishments of the rest of the world, and the only thing that can stop them is weapons drawing on the same basic power base. Stop and think about that.

I also find it hilarious that this game gets ire, yet if you want to get technical games like "The Secret World" are a hell of a lot more edgy in covering the same basic material, and I'm not just talking the current "end of the world" event. In TSW's lore the Mayans were a group of ancient mystical sociopaths out to basically unleash the equivilent of Cthulhu's bosses on the world. Despite the general lack of records or technologies, they wound up conquering most of North and South America before they ran into one tibe out on the East Coast called "The Wabanaki" who had enough magic to stand up to them. The Wabanaki were in the process of losing when the vikings who had discovered North America decided to get involved (this game is based on ancient conspiricies, including that one), and invoked their own gods who turned the tide of the battle and lead to the defeat of the Mayans. This is all covered in game lore, and in one paticualr instance called "Darkness War", where your characters as champions of Gaia are basically sent back in time mentally to fight the battle in the place of the actual Wabanaki of the time so you can use your super magical powers, in the midst of the throwdown with the final boss, a viking high priest literally walks up casts the spell "pwn everyone" using a very important (storywise) magical sword as a focus, and allows you and your allies to beat this monster you'll probably recognize from Cthulhu mythos inspired Artwork (here referred to as an Ak'ab, with this one being the great grand daddy of all Ak'ab).

Unlike "2012" this is all really well written, well presented, and utterly cool. It's not racist at all. On the other hand if your looking for a fight you can spin it that way pretty easily. Especially if you want to throw an Aryan spin on things, I mean the Nazis love their viking runes and such. It actually takes LESS effort than with "2012" (which I could do to play devil's advocate if the direction such an arguement could be made from isn't obvious).

TSW isn't all that successful a game either (went FTP in record time), so I don't think it's a matter of pressure. On some levels I just think Jim was groping for something to throw at th egame to make it seem even worse, which it really didn't need. From the videos and game reviews/descrptions I've seen, I never got the impression (though there were a few jokes, not intended to be taken seriously) that there was anything remotely racist about this.

As far as RE5 goes, I see it as the poster child for why we need to keep liberals out of review media, or at least edit their political comments. People set out to create a contreversy where there wasn't one, and to validate the statements of fringe whack jobs looking to get five minutes of fame with race comments to keep that contreversy going. To be blunt Africa is a bloody hell hole, needing to aid the peeople living there due to the wretched conditions is one of the big battle cries of international charity groups and human rights coalitions. Presenting it as a NICE place to live would actually be inaccurate and a bit insensitive on it's own (sweeping it under the rug so to speak). Even when it comes to the tribals it's no big deal, because like it or not tons of people down there DO dress and act like the typical African natives of lore still, that's not racist, it's the truth. Groups ike National Geographic do articles on it from time to time, and on top of it... and in the height of irony... liberals love to go on about protecting the indiginous peoples and their lifestyles and pretty much keeping it that way. I the left wing kind of absurd because on one hand it works to prevent the modern world from changing these people, but then gets all enraged when they are shown the way they are in a bad situation. From a liberal perspective they can call you a racist (misusing the term) going in either direction, including my own point of view that these people should be modernized and brought into the rest of society, as opposed to being kept in ignorance to preserve an archaic society for the amusement of anthropology students. The specifics of that and what it entails might not be entirely nice, but I think what we see going on is far more cruel, especially in the long run.... at any rate, when those "contreversial" tribals show up in RE5, what exactly is the issue? Unchecked sentinent bioweapons go ripping through the region, and are expected to stop at those groups of people? Killer Viruses should be politically correct?

A much longer rant than I intended, but honestly people crying "racism" and similar things over mainstream video games kind of irks me. If you want to do that kind of rant, find one that is actually racist.

As a general rule, REAL racists on the fringe tend to be very overt and open about their work, especially when groups like the KKK, Aryan Nation, and other "major" groups are involved. "Ethnic Cleansing" for example (there have been online reviews when it was newer) includes information in the game about how to get in touch with real racist groups if you agree with the message. The creators explaining at one point that they wanted to produce games like this to "give young white kids hope". They also tend to be concerned with the hear and now, not things like "well, what if the Mayan prophecies were correct, but they actually meant the Mayans were returning in force to use magic to kill us all and end the world... what if there was a chance of stopping them by using similar kinds of magic, wouldn't that make an awesome story/video game?" which is pretty much the thought process behind "2012".

IamLEAM1983:
I'm sad about Nihilistic, though. Used to be they produced "Vampire the Masquerade: Redemption". One of the best games no-one played.

Well, enough people played it to see another V:TM game released.

To be honest I think one of the big reasons why game design has suffered recently, especially on the single player RPG front, is the lack of using liscenced PnP RPG properties. A big issue with game design is coming up with the story, factions, etc... as well as a workable engine and set of mechanics for the game to draw on to work.

I think "Redemption" kind of shows how with the right RPG liscence (meaning a good backround and decent set of mechanics) even a mediocre developer can turn out a decent product. After all most of the "backround" writing has already been done, and typically the game mechanics have undergone YEARS of rigorous testing and revision to get consistant results for what they set out to do, they just need to be tweaked a bit for the video game format.

I think we're seeing what Nilistic is actually like without having a lot of that work done for them. On a similar note, I also think this is part of Bioware's "fall". You'll notice that a lot of their biggest successes came from using D&D rules and world settings. Doing all of that on their own has lead to some very mixed results (to be charitable). "Knights Of The Old Republic" for example had a set of mechanics that had seen tons of testing (d20)
before it was put into a video game. I think they have gone so action-centric with all of their titles because they haven't been able to come up with something quite as customizable and understandable that produces consistant results
on their own. "The Old Republic Online" didn't involve D&D mechanics. Some of their products are pretty solid still, but every one of them comes with tons of criticisms and hate (especially from people who paid for them, which puts the results of their sales ratings into question), far more than they used to get.

Nilistic is producing mediocre shooters instead of quality RPG games, while they were never as successful as Bioware, look at the criticisms leveled at them... seem similar? :)

I'll also say that I've noticed a general trend that the further a D&D game gets from D&D mechanics the more touchy it's performance and reception. This is in part why I'm wary about what might happen with the upcoming "Neverwinter" as much as I'd like for it to be a success (as a huge Forgotten Realms fan).

As I've said in other threads, if Bioware wants to get back on top and get away from a lot of the current divide and turmoil with it's fans, it might consider trying to liscence the D&D rules again for single player games, perhaps working out something to use earlier editions if the current rules are out there.

Nilistic might do the same thing, if they really did do "Redemption", perhaps they should go shopping for a PnP RPG liscence to build off of.

To be honest the PnP RPG seems to be dying, so I'd think liscencing for some of these would be relatively simple as long as it's for single player games (since a lot of the biggest RPGS like WoD or D&D have at least one MMO at least in the works).

Jimothy Sterling:

saintdane05:
Where did you get the dildo on a stick?
Can buy it from you?

Was sent to me during Saints Row 3's launch build-up. Unfortunately it's seen too much use as a Jimquisition prop for me to want to part with it.

Plus one day I plan to get drunk enough to see if I can fit it up me.

You and not Jonathan Holmes? You should totally should do a Saints Row themed 'Jonathan Holmes Helps Children' on Podtoid at some point by the way.

Therumancer:

Showing a bunch of primitive and backwards people AS primitive and backwards people is not in any way, shape, or form racist. Calling a guy who literally walks around and throws spears because that is the cutting edge of his availible technology a "spear chucker" isn't racist either.

Oh. You're racist as well as homophobic huh? Nice to know.

I usually go through your posts looking for when you make the suggestion that every homosexual man is a potential paedophile, but this time you come up with this.

The term "spear-chucker" is an epithet directed towards Africans. It's a racist term. Exactly like "Jungle-Bunny". Exactly like nigger.

And while there is a difference between overt racism (Which is analogous to your overt homophobia) and unconscious racism, media where all the heroes are clean cut white people and the antagonists are brown people depicted as savages still has worrying subtext.

Comparing this to games like this to games made by the KKK is like comparing the films written by Goebbels to those written by Hitler. The racism/anti-semitism in the former is subtle while the racism in the latter is clumsy and blatant. The fact that the racist subtext in Revelations 2012 *might* not be intentional is irrelevant.

That thing looks a lot less purple in person. I'm kind of disappointed.

Mr_Terrific:
I'd like to see a "Not horribley broken S**tiest game of 2012" Next week. That way, we can get to the notable s***ty games like...

Ninja Gaiden 3- The already absurd boss resurrects a f***ing Dinosaur....a f***ing Dinosaur?

Lollipop Chainsaw- This game has no redeeming qualities. NONE. If you like this game, then you are a piece of s*** and you know you are....lol. J/k....sort of O.o

Metal of Honor: Warfighter a.k.a Metal of Honor: Doorbreacher- The name alone should win it an award for s***iest game of 2012.

Sorcery- While not as bad as anything on Kinect, the game is f***ing terrible and a huge waste of an IP with potential. These game screams "Move? We're not even trying anymore..." -Sony.

Star Wars Kinect- The fact that MS had the balls to release a custom console around the honking pile of s***. The only fun (read: funny) thing about it is how many times MS will cram Dance Central (the only good game on Kinect) into every game on Kinect.

Fable The Journey- It's not on rails and there's a dry erase board out there somewhere with the names of 50 dirty f***in liars that work at various publications that agree with this statement. I'd actually like to see the names of those that signed the board as I'm convinced it was done at gunpoint.

There's more, but I have toys and s*** to build my kids....so Merry Xmas all!

You do know you can swear on the internet? All you're achieving is making your writing less readable.

Huh. Did manage to avoid all of the shitty ones this year.
Merry Christmas and thank God for you Jim.

I actually loved Silent Hill HD Collection for the simple fact that it allowed me to finally play Silent Hill 2 (I don't own a PS2), which is my favourite game I played this year. While I encountered frequent lag in Silent Hill 3, part 2 was still perfectly playable (in the PS3-version, at least). Furthermore, you have the option of still using the original voice acting, and I was not bothered by cosmetic changes because I simply had never played the original.

Of course the fact that Silent Hill 3 is glitchy still makes this a horribly broken product, and they really should have just released these games (in their original form) on PSN instead. Nonetheless, I'm still really glad this exists because Silent Hill 2 is such a fantastic game.

Jimothy Sterling:
The Sh*tiest Games of 2012

There's something to be said for tradition, and the Jimquisition's most sacred tradition is the year-end evisceration of the year's very worst game.

Watch Video

I recall your trying to smash a videogame with a hammer (with terrible effort) in your previous video. I don't remember what specific videogame it was but I don't think that made the list.

Frank_Sinatra_:
Aww... I wanted the Zone of the Enders HD Collection to be with the Silent Hill HD Collection.
Both of those Konami decided to diddle over a dog house.

Yeah Konami, let's hand ZOE over to a studio who has only made tie-in games for Nickelodeon.
Morons.

What did they do to it that made it awful? I was considering getting it if only for the Vector Cannon.

Hehe. The first minute of this video was pretty much spot on. Happiest time of the year, my arse. Thanks, Jim, for getting me to laugh a bit about it. :)

If I can I'd like to add Carrier Command: Operation Gaia and Dungeon Defenders. Two of the most terrible gales I've played not only this year but this generation.

Carrier Command is a horrible game that switches between clunky control of vehicles in a strategy type thing to a foot soldier on the battlefield, and it is that awful. Both get caught on random slopes and scenery, it's got a pathetic aiming system and basically just blows so very very much.

Dungeon Defenders was one of the purchases I made because of friends, which was a mistake. This piece of crap is so boring and uninteresting. The AI for your own turrets is worse than the computer AI to the extent that it often glitches out and enemies can walk right over blocking units or are not targeted by friendly attack units. It's so pathetic.

Neither of those games should have been sold for money. I feel the same way Jim fely about that last game towards these two.

Raioken18:
Dungeon Defenders was one of the purchases I made because of friends, which was a mistake. This piece of crap is so boring and uninteresting. The AI for your own turrets is worse than the computer AI to the extent that it often glitches out and enemies can walk right over blocking units or are not targeted by friendly attack units. It's so pathetic.

Just because you found it boring doesn't make a game instantly bad - I played it and found it actually decent. Not a game I would buy (played on a Free Weekend), but I didn't find anything wrong with it, either.

NameIsRobertPaulson:

Frank_Sinatra_:
Aww... I wanted the Zone of the Enders HD Collection to be with the Silent Hill HD Collection.
Both of those Konami decided to diddle over a dog house.

Yeah Konami, let's hand ZOE over to a studio who has only made tie-in games for Nickelodeon.
Morons.

What did they do to it that made it awful? I was considering getting it if only for the Vector Cannon.

Ya know how right on the box of Zone of the Enders it says it's "High Speed Robot Action?"

Imagine that with the game lagging and the framerate being choppy as fuck.

(watches this the day after Christmas, ruins the opening joke)

1337mokro:
You know what is so bad about Steel Battalion for the 360?

I actually loved it to death despite all the horrible horrible horrible (did I mention horrible?) fucking bugs and disastrously bad control scheme.

To me Steel Battalion is not just a bad game it is a tease, a tease of what mech games MIGHT have been like had Microsoft not decided to mass produce a fucking motion controller as cheaply as possible and then still charge way to much for it. If you imagine a Steel Battalion without bugs and with a pin point accurate motion detection system you would basically have my game of 2012.

I will condemn it as utter shite but I will do anything in my power to preserve it spirit and what it tried to do so that we one day might be piloting mechs in our own living rooms just by waving our arms around.

The game you're looking for is Steel Battalion, the original released in 2002 for Xbox.
Though it probably costs a fortune now, as it comes with this beast of a controller:

"HAHAHAHAHAHA" -Jim Sterling

Brilliant.

I was so excited for Steel Battalion when I heard the concept. Then I played the demo. $60 well-withheld.

People who cry and complain about Resident Evil 6 not being on this list should seriously shove a sweaty dirty suck up their throats. RE6 is *NOT* a bad game - it is a disappointing game, one that perhaps even shits on the entire survival horror franchise but to claim that it's one of the worst games is just taking it so absurdly far that just seriously... shut the hell up.

These games on the list are so broken that they borderline scams. They are so poor in their design you'd think that the developers intended to steal your money as if they made a cash grab-and-run with your money.

RE6 REALLY doesn't fall into that category. The game is not *BROKEN*, it is not a putrid pile of shit. The game wasn't designed with the intend to downright steal your money under fraudulent circumstances. (See 'The War Z')

The games Jim puts on there are so borderline horrendous that; like he said - defies human comprehension. The motives and reasons behind RE6 are not hard to understand at all - Crapcom wanted to appeal all audiences - NOT a good reason for the games design but a comprehensible one.

Stop comparing RE6 to these games. Sure it might have disappointed you, but it's far FAR from being anywhere NEAR as broken as these games. RE6 might be at worst a 6/10 game. It's nowhere near the bottom-of-the-barrel.

cahtush:

1337mokro:
You know what is so bad about Steel Battalion for the 360?

I actually loved it to death despite all the horrible horrible horrible (did I mention horrible?) fucking bugs and disastrously bad control scheme.

To me Steel Battalion is not just a bad game it is a tease, a tease of what mech games MIGHT have been like had Microsoft not decided to mass produce a fucking motion controller as cheaply as possible and then still charge way to much for it. If you imagine a Steel Battalion without bugs and with a pin point accurate motion detection system you would basically have my game of 2012.

I will condemn it as utter shite but I will do anything in my power to preserve it spirit and what it tried to do so that we one day might be piloting mechs in our own living rooms just by waving our arms around.

The game you're looking for is Steel Battalion, the original released in 2002 for Xbox.
Though it probably costs a fortune now, as it comes with this beast of a controller:

Already own it :)

But that is the exact point. It COST and still COSTS a fortune.

Motion control would allow you to do the same things with a price tag of ... 0$ (unless you bought a kinect JUST for that game). I will keep dreaming though. Maybe that virtual reality console will give me what I desire.

I'm assuming that The Escapist has it's fair share of Film majors or Game Designers, can somebody PLEASE get Jim Sterling an acting job playing a legitimate villain? That would be the most amazing thing of all time.

I didn't play any of the games on this list, so I guess I don't really have to worry about that.

I dunno what I would consider my worst game of 2012. I really only bought like 6 games this year, and I kind of enjoyed all of them.

Jimothy Sterling:

RTR:
What? No Resident Evil 6? That's a surprise.

Nowhere near notable enough to be worthy of the honor.

Have you tried Warfighter? I haven't played it but it got quite a bit of negative press, I kind of expected it to be in the list.

-Dragmire-:

Jimothy Sterling:

RTR:
What? No Resident Evil 6? That's a surprise.

Nowhere near notable enough to be worthy of the honor.

Have you tried Warfighter? I haven't played it but it got quite a bit of negative press, I kind of expected it to be in the list.

I reviewed Warfighter for Destructoid and it got a straight 5/10. Totally mediocre. Even less worthy of note than RE6, really, as it was the epitome of ditch water.

This has to be my favorite episode of the show. I loved the longer video with Jim giving a long, though fast paced and vitriol filled rant.

Any chance we can see "The Next Top 10 Shittiest Games of 2012"? or even just "Dishonorable mentions of 2012"? I wanna see more of Jim's rapid-fire ranting!

Jimothy Sterling:

-Dragmire-:

Jimothy Sterling:

Nowhere near notable enough to be worthy of the honor.

Have you tried Warfighter? I haven't played it but it got quite a bit of negative press, I kind of expected it to be in the list.

I reviewed Warfighter for Destructoid and it got a straight 5/10. Totally mediocre. Even less worthy of note than RE6, really, as it was the epitome of ditch water.

Ah, I guess the people who aggressively didn't like it were setting their expectations too high.

Oh my god, Jim made the right choice by calling out Steel Battalion as the worst game ever (maybe War Z has taken it's place as worst game but still). I mean, it's so broken I couldn't even get out of the tutorial myself, the commands kept misreading my movements over my best friend's house thus it was so irritating and horrible once the game started. Didn't make it, didn't want to.

Not sure if I am allowed to post this on Jim's thread, but I think Angry Joe summarizes how awful the game was perfectly.

Besides that, yeah I can see why most of those games are bad. I would of suggest Marvel vs Capcom 3 being at #9 or #8 instead but it wasn't broken or that bad. Just utterly unfair when you play multiplayer along the lines if you could even find a lobby to join. Also lack of story and decent endings with each character.

P.S: Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year!! :}

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