Seduce Me Review

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Seduce Me Review

Even a bit of slap and tickle can't spice up this dud.

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LOL

The game opens, in classic porn style...

The funny thing is that aside from all the T&A (&C&P&BJ&GB)...

I can see right through you Mr. Chalk. You just played this game because you knew you'd have a blast writing about it XD

Fappy:

I can see right through you Mr. Chalk. You just played this game because you knew you'd have a blast writing about it XD

It was actually a blast reading about it, very interesting review +10

Aww, no video review?

Migs:
Aww, no video review?

Pixelization filters cost money.

I'm still waiting on the edge of my seat for your review of Farming Simulator 2013 but this is weird enough for now.

Fun review to read, though the game itself (inevitably) sounds terrible.

If only Bioware would get into dating/sex sims. They could drop all that slightly clunky combat gameplay they insist on forcing upon us and focus on the stuff they're actually good at.

Andy Chalk:
The objective is simple: hit it so hard that whosoever can pull you out will be crowned the rightful King of England.

The single best innuendo ever written. EVER.

Formica Archonis:

Migs:
Aww, no video review?

Pixelization filters cost money.

Age gate ftw!

Considering The Jimquisition is "technically pornography" the precedent has already been set!

Andy Chalk:
Seduce Me Review

Even a bit of slap and tickle can't spice up this dud.

Read Full Article

Dear mr:chalk we the escapist demand a video review of this game in order to verify your claims :P

Sixcess:
I'm still waiting on the edge of my seat for your review of Farming Simulator 2013 but this is weird enough for now.

Fun review to read, though the game itself (inevitably) sounds terrible.

If only Bioware would get into dating/sex sims. They could drop all that slightly clunky combat gameplay they insist on forcing upon us and focus on the stuff they're actually good at.

You mean two to three flirts and its off to black screen?

tehroc:
You mean two to three flirts and its off to black screen?

Yup.

The conversations are easily the best bit of the romances in any Bioware game. They're good at writing that kind of light, often funny, innuendo driven conversation. The end scenes on the other hand, are usually awkward at best, and unintentionally hilarious at worst, so we're not missing much when it fades to black. Imagination is sexier.

In any case, if all you want is the visuals, why settle for less than the real thing? I hear there's quite a lot of actual naked people on the internet...

The developers probably still laughing his way to the bank though. Controversy + low production costs/effort = winning

Its too bad too.
It'd be nice to see a game to tackle sex and actually succeed and be fun and interesting. I'd really like to see a good game about sex that was more than just wank material. I mean wank material is easy enough to get a hold of after-all.

And this is why I love the Escapist. Professional reviews that admit the game about spankin' it doesn't quite pay enough in the bank to spank to. Beautiful. Also:

Lvl 64 Klutz:

Andy Chalk:
The objective is simple: hit it so hard that whosoever can pull you out will be crowned the rightful King of England.

The single best innuendo ever written. EVER.

If ever there was a line of comedic encouragement from one party to another, that should be it.

What's with all the coverage of this game?

Is simply having a some explicit content really enough to warrant several news articles, a review and a column? Because as this review itself states that's apparently the only distinguishing feature of this game.

I mean I get that this stuff probably generates hits which are desirable but surely there's an actually interesting porn game somewhere, I hear Japan has quite a lot of them.

alright, so either watch porn or play another game. Nice review though.

BehattedWanderer:
And this is why I love the Escapist. Professional reviews that admit the game about spankin' it doesn't quite pay enough in the bank to spank to. Beautiful. Also:

Lvl 64 Klutz:

Andy Chalk:
The objective is simple: hit it so hard that whosoever can pull you out will be crowned the rightful King of England.

The single best innuendo ever written. EVER.

If ever there was a line of comedic encouragement from one party to another, that should be it.

Isn't this actually a line from a comedy routine/movie/TV show?

Nice review, I too am looking forward to the review of the highly anticipated Farming Simulator 2013.

Hagi:
What's with all the coverage of this game?

Is simply having a some explicit content really enough to warrant several news articles, a review and a column? Because as this review itself states that's apparently the only distinguishing feature of this game.

I mean I get that this stuff probably generates hits which are desirable but surely there's an actually interesting porn game somewhere, I hear Japan has quite a lot of them.

You know how it is. After the initial news articles hit, people became curious about the game. After people become curious about the game, different websites (including the Escapist) will keep writing about in hopes of views. This game would have completely passed under the radar, but because Steam didn't want to sell it, now everyone writes about it.

I do have to question whether or not this review had to be written however. Should we expect a review on "Kindergarten Killer"?

OniaPL:

Hagi:
What's with all the coverage of this game?

Is simply having a some explicit content really enough to warrant several news articles, a review and a column? Because as this review itself states that's apparently the only distinguishing feature of this game.

I mean I get that this stuff probably generates hits which are desirable but surely there's an actually interesting porn game somewhere, I hear Japan has quite a lot of them.

You know how it is. After the initial news articles hit, people became curious about the game. After people become curious about the game, different websites (including the Escapist) will keep writing about in hopes of views. This game would have completely passed under the radar, but because Steam didn't want to sell it, now everyone writes about it.

I do have to question whether or not this review had to be written however. Should we expect a review on "Kindergarten Killer"?

Did it have to be written? No, of course not. But in addition to informing (and many readers were genuinely curious about this game), we also strive to entertain. We knew going in that this review would end up rather goofy, and I don't think that's a bad thing at all.

Susan Arendt:

OniaPL:

Hagi:
What's with all the coverage of this game?

Is simply having a some explicit content really enough to warrant several news articles, a review and a column? Because as this review itself states that's apparently the only distinguishing feature of this game.

I mean I get that this stuff probably generates hits which are desirable but surely there's an actually interesting porn game somewhere, I hear Japan has quite a lot of them.

You know how it is. After the initial news articles hit, people became curious about the game. After people become curious about the game, different websites (including the Escapist) will keep writing about in hopes of views. This game would have completely passed under the radar, but because Steam didn't want to sell it, now everyone writes about it.

I do have to question whether or not this review had to be written however. Should we expect a review on "Kindergarten Killer"?

Did it have to be written? No, of course not. But in addition to informing (and many readers were genuinely curious about this game), we also strive to entertain. We knew going in that this review would end up rather goofy, and I don't think that's a bad thing at all.

Fair enough. I intended to question whether or not it is a good thing that the game receives attention simply because it's T&A got it kicked from Steam and if it would have been better that it hadn't received any of this attention, but of course it makes sense that the site would offer what it's userbase/demographic is interesting in.

The objective is simple: hit it so hard that whosoever can pull you out will be crowned the rightful King of England.

HAHAHAH! Best summation of any game ever.

Wait, you gave a game that you honestly cannot recommend and obviously didn't enjoy a 2.5?
Isn't that a bit high?
What sort of redeeming factor did it have? What was worth the 1.5 extra stars?

JenSeven:
Wait, you gave a game that you honestly cannot recommend and obviously didn't enjoy a 2.5?
Isn't that a bit high?
What sort of redeeming factor did it have? What was worth the 1.5 extra stars?

The concept, gameplay and uniqueness probably all deserve at at least two stars.

Fappy:
LOL

The game opens, in classic porn style...

The funny thing is that aside from all the T&A (&C&P&BJ&GB)...

I can see right through you Mr. Chalk. You just played this game because you knew you'd have a blast writing about it XD

damn i wanted to say the same thing until it lead to a double entendre with the word blast.
image

at least he was smart enough to stay hydrated...

also:

Fappy:

Considering The Jimquisition is "technically pornography" the precedent has already been set!

not really. jimquisition is more of a gorefest.
and you know, riping someones head off and using the head with the still attached spine as a morning star to break other peoples head in is okay dokey, but the glimpse of a dick might upset little jimmy...

Can't really believe that I just read a review about this game.
And, not like a completely throwaway, intentionally goofy write-up, but a legitimate critique, that, admittedly, wound up being pretty goofy.
Neat.

Andy Chalk:
The objective is simple: hit it so hard that whosoever can pull you out will be crowned the rightful King of England.

Dammit, Andy.

I guess this game will probably just fall off everyone's radar, then.

JenSeven:
What sort of redeeming factor did it have? What was worth the 1.5 extra stars?

It wasn't a bad game. It was, as far as I could tell, bug-free, the art was decent, the mini-games weren't awful and it was, as advertised, pornographic. Based on our scoring system, 2.5 stars puts it slightly below an "average" game, which is admittedly something of an arbitrary definition, but I think a fair place for a game like this.

I think I'll stick with good ol' Japanese eroge rather than this. They tried a bit too hard with the art and those character sprites are sitting somewhere in the uncanny valley, in my opinion.

I like the card game idea though, what were the other two game types? Was there no Blackjack or Texas Hold'Em? If Go Fish is really the best they can offer, I'd be disappointed.

Andy Chalk:
The objective is simple: hit it so hard that whosoever can pull you out will be crowned the rightful King of England.

This has got to be the absolute best thing I've read this year.

so what your saying is the game failed to perform and left you unsatisfied

>.>
<.<

I'll show my self out .....

I thought this looked rather titillating, but I guess I'd pull out after a minute or two. Sex.

VanQQisH:
I like the card game idea though, what were the other two game types? Was there no Blackjack or Texas Hold'Em? If Go Fish is really the best they can offer, I'd be disappointed.

Nothing as complex as Blackjack or Poker, no. I'm terrible when it comes to cards so I'm not sure what they correspond to aside from "play a higher card than the other guy." It's all very simplistic stuff, though. The Euchre-style game is the most complex one in the bunch.

Looks like Western devs still have a long way to go in the dating sim/eroge genre.

Heh, that was an enjoyable read.

Sounds like Andy had more fun writing about it than playing it.

Sounds like a game from date sim from Japan. I've never really understood the appeal of girlfriend simulators.

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