Zero Punctuation: Star Trek

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That bit about Waiting for Spock when he has been creamed by an elevator...now I just see Kirk and Vladimir standing at the exit area...

Vladimir: What do we do now?
Kirk: Wait.
Yes, but while waiting.
What about hanging ourselves?
Hmm. It'd give us an erection.
An erection!
With all that follows.
Where it falls mandrakes grow.
That's why they shriek when you pull them up.
Did you not know that?
Let's hang ourselves immediately!

...You must gather your party before venturing forth...

EDIT: Shit. Spock is Vladimir...a...a...and Kirk is Estragon!

"pew pew laser fun" yay!

4RT1LL3RY:
Darn, I was hoping this week would be Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon. I do agree that Pitch Black was the best of the Chronicles of Riddick movies.

Blood Dragon came out last week. And Yathzee ALWAYS needs at least two weeks. One week to play the game, one week to make the video.
When will people learn that?

JSW:
I miss Star Trek 25th Anniversary. Why can't we have games like that anymore?

Hear, Hear. 25th anniversary was the best Star Trek game I've ever played. One of the best adventures of the time too.

Kmadden2004:
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand time;

The best Star Trek game ever made was Mass Effect...

You been wrong many times then.

The best Trek game is and probably will remain: Bridge Commander. Nothing really to discuss.

Aside from that, Mass Effect has zero to do with Trek aside from being set in space and featuring preposterous aliens.

teh_gunslinger:

Kmadden2004:
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand time;

The best Star Trek game ever made was Mass Effect...

You been wrong many times then.

The best Trek game is and probably will remain: Bridge Commander. Nothing really to discuss.

Aside from that, Mass Effect has zero to do with Trek aside from being set in space and featuring preposterous aliens.

So a game where you go from planet to planet on behalf of a coalition of alien species (a federation, if you will), where you pick out two extra characters to form an away team (who will usually be the same two people) to go exploring new worlds, engage in missions where diplomacy can often hold just as much weight as firefights, and where the ship's commanding officer sleeps around with aliens...

Yeah, you're right, that's nothing like Star Trek, what was I thinking?

b.w.irenicus:
Anyone remembers Birth of the Federation? That game was awesome (yeahactually it wasn't THAT great, but shut up ^^). You could chose to be Federation, Klingon, Romulans or Cadassians and build your space empire like in Civilisation. I was a huge sucker for Star Strek and especially DS9 at the time so I absolutly loved it.

Captchs: run amok -> No, I won't :p

Yes it was. It was incredible. As well as the Civ-in-space thing, you also got a limited amount of control in space battles, and there were unknown anomalous entities that would require taking down.. First time I managed to take down a Borg cube I was ecstatic.
Definitely the best ST game, although Elite Force, Bridge Commander and to a lesser extent Armada were also good.

So I guess this game turned out to be a real Start...Wreck?
http://mirrors.rit.edu/instantCSI/

The best Star Trek games are as followed in no particular order:

1: Starfleet Command series- Orion Pirates was the best out that bunch.
2: Bridge Commander- A brilliant space combat sim with a good story.
3: Klingon Academy- It's like Bridge Commander only more complex with different space environments. Planet rings were the best.
4: Elite force- Good all round FPS
5: Birth of the Federation: Once you got past the UI it was true little gem.

This game however was blagh. Just plain old blagh.

Jason Statham as the new Captain Picard? Well sign me up and beam me a image

My favourite Trek game was A Final Unity. Granted, I haven't really played the others -- those that I actually knew about didn't really aseem all that appealing.

Also: so apparently a movie tie-in game is crap? Pardon me while I collect my astonishment.

Why are these movie-licensed games so terrible most of the time? Do they hire morons for all of them? Do they screw them over with the release dates? Fucking hell! This shouldn't be ignored. It makes games look inferior to movies in some peoples miserable minds.

Also, I want to hear about more games with space combat which is another genre that's hidden under all the grey FPS garbage.

Nazulu:
Why are these movie-licensed games so terrible most of the time? Do they hire morons for all of them? Do they screw them over with the release dates? Fucking hell! This shouldn't be ignored. It makes games look inferior to movies in some peoples miserable minds.

Also, I want to hear about more games with space combat which is another genre that's hidden under all the grey FPS garbage.

There are a few problems with licensed games, most of the time it has to do with the demands put on the developing team.

Most of the time the developers are put into crunch time to release the game alongside the movie release, so they have very little time to rush out a project.

Secondly, there's a problem with translating a two-hour movie into a 10-hour or however long game, so there needs to be a lot of filler that isn't necessarily relevant to the movie.

Thirdly, and I'm almost positive this happened with this particular game, publishers will push developers to throw in any mechanic that's popular into the game because they think it will get them sales.

Publisher: "Cover-based shooters are really popular right now. We need to have this in the game!"
Developer: "But sir, we're already two months into development and--"
P: "I don't care, we need to have it! Throw it in!"

Instead of being built around a core mechanic, it's an unfocused, half-assed amalgamation of whatever mechanics are popular at the time, with little thought put into how to implement them.

Taunta:

Nazulu:
Why are these movie-licensed games so terrible most of the time? Do they hire morons for all of them? Do they screw them over with the release dates? Fucking hell! This shouldn't be ignored. It makes games look inferior to movies in some peoples miserable minds.

Also, I want to hear about more games with space combat which is another genre that's hidden under all the grey FPS garbage.

There are a few problems with licensed games, most of the time it has to do with the demands put on the developing team.

Most of the time the developers are put into crunch time to release the game alongside the movie release, so they have very little time to rush out a project.

Secondly, there's a problem with translating a two-hour movie into a 10-hour or however long game, so there needs to be a lot of filler that isn't necessarily relevant to the movie.

Thirdly, and I'm almost positive this happened with this particular game, publishers will push developers to throw in any mechanic that's popular into the game because they think it will get them sales.

Publisher: "Cover-based shooters are really popular right now. We need to have this in the game!"
Developer: "But sir, we're already two months into development and--"
P: "I don't care, we need to have it! Throw it in!"

Instead of being built around a core mechanic, it's an unfocused, half-assed amalgamation of whatever mechanics are popular at the time, with little thought put into how to implement them.

Yeah, that sounds like the best bet. I've been rambling on lately about how publishers should just back off and have no say in the creative work at all (unless it's like spending too much on something). I just thought after all this time of making this same mistake for over a decade now that they would wise up.

Maybe the developers should ask in advanced if they're suddenly going to fuck everything up at some point so they can at least aim to make it smaller and have more time to do that well.

Why are Star Trek games so... unstar trekkie?

Guys: It's a bunch of dudes going around in space as ambassadors and exploring new worlds. How can people miss this point so absolutely?

Make all alien races humanoids, make em pork-able and there's the original saga right there. Next generation? I dunno, introduce a space menace going around the unknown systems messing around and the federation refusing to do anything about it due to politics until you give them proof, so you're just going around whistle blowing for proof. Dammit, make space battles incredibly hard so you get used to going around blockades instead of engaging so you make the player REALLY feel what its like to be going around uncharted space. You're not supposed to be able to fight against everything, you need to feel the LACK of federation and something to fall back on. Deep Space 9? Well... add a sim about life inside the ship, complete with having to recruit from people living in there and dinamically generated crew. Multiplayer? Have extra players be able to take command of other crew members or add additional ships.

Hell, I just included Voyager in there without realizing because It just makes sense if you think about it for five whole minutes instead of half assing a shooter/sim/adventure/action game and slapping the Star Trek label on it.

I would sincerely like to hear Yahtzee's take on the phrase 'bro-hoof.'
I fell out of love with franchise games when I could never get the Doctor to get away cleanly from all those Daleks.

I've not laughed this much a ZP review in ages
Good stuff

Who keeps buying these terrible tie-in games? Haven't people learned by now that they are just marketing ploys? I am baffled.

Ken_J:
The Rock as Wesley would be an improvment

I can't imagine the Rock doing w00tfest.

corronchilejano:
Why are Star Trek games so... unstar trekkie?

If they made a startrek game where the point was to fly around being a nice ambassador of starfleet without having sex with green-skinned chicks, I would not play it.
Giving the subject more serious thought, how many Startrek movies don't involve someone getting shot/killed? I think it's just StarTrek IV. So is that the exception to the rule or are folks just not working hard enough to find compelling story lines that don't involve bloody mayhem? I'm not sure.

Actually, the idea of a non-fighting based game is hard to sell. Think about all the quests in Skyrim and other games where you had to do something WITHOUT killing someone. After a while I realized they were there because the the other quests that awesome fighting and killing monsters would actually become monotonous without something to break it up. This says to me that everyone pretty much expects First Person games to be about Shooting(or in the case of Skyrim-Stabbing, Slicing, Smashing or Shouting). If you really want a non-fighting game, you need to get away from FPS.

thexodus:

corronchilejano:
Why are Star Trek games so... unstar trekkie?

If they made a startrek game where the point was to fly around being a nice ambassador of starfleet without having sex with green-skinned chicks, I would not play it.
Giving the subject more serious thought, how many Startrek movies don't involve someone getting shot/killed? I think it's just StarTrek IV. So is that the exception to the rule or are folks just not working hard enough to find compelling story lines that don't involve bloody mayhem? I'm not sure.

Actually, the idea of a non-fighting based game is hard to sell. Think about all the quests in Skyrim and other games where you had to do something WITHOUT killing someone. After a while I realized they were there because the the other quests that awesome fighting and killing monsters would actually become monotonous without something to break it up. This says to me that everyone pretty much expects First Person games to be about Shooting(or in the case of Skyrim-Stabbing, Slicing, Smashing or Shouting). If you really want a non-fighting game, you need to get away from FPS.

]
I apologize for my rambling, not very coherent post. I can only say the caffeine was wearing thin and it was way past my bedtime.

The best Star Trek game ever is FTL!

Frieswiththat:
I'm genuinely surprised that the new Star Trek game is balls!
-No one ever

Yeah I'm not at all surprised by this.

HAHA, my thoughts exactly. Can't believe they wasted money making this game thinking it'd be anything but utter failure. Also there's already enough Kirk-Spock bromance in the goddamned movie, didn't need a whole game to elaborate on that part.

Set phasers to... torture.

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