Zero Punctuation: Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff

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If I may steer the SS Conversation back to "twing twang" for a moment..
I believe (or rather, I read in passing) that it refers to some form of crossbowery that the sidekick uh..does.
'Cause knowledge is power!

Alternatively, it is gratuitous lesbian sex. Yes, the guilt I felt at deposing the male fantasy was too great to bear even 30 seconds after typing this.

This guy's brilliant. Keep 'em comin', Yahtzee. I'll definitely be here for the next review.

Followed the link from Penny Arcade.

Oh man, he is going to be insufferable after this.

Also followed the link from Penny Arcade. Is there a feed somewhere that will give me only updates to Zero Punctuation?

Also followed the link from Penny Arcade. Is there a feed somewhere that will give me only updates to Zero Punctuation?

Glad you're here. We do have other stuff, but yes, ZP is fantastic. Until we get a feed going, you can check the following link every Wednesday.

It's stuff like this that makes me glad that I have eye balls.

Man, over the past year The Escapist has gone from an occasional visit to main gaming-news source for me thanks to the abundance of interesting new content and fresh talent - and it just keeps coming! Keep up the great work, guys (and I absolutely love your reviews, Yahtzee).

If the reviews keep coming from Mr. Yahtzee, I will keep coming to your website. Pure brilliance.

Yep. Registered for Zero Punctuation. Great video, great guy.

Having watched the video (and the ones on YT) for a couple of times -- and laughing myself silly -- I felt compelled to register and heap praise. I've been writing games reviews for 20 years, but this one video just put everything I've ever written to shame. Kudos to you, Mr. Croshaw, and kudos to Escapist for signing your not inconsiderable talent. I shall be checking in on Wednesdays.

Good to see you're still doing the rounds there matey, and a great video (I also note your artistic ability hasn't failed you since the days of Rob Blanc!). Nice to see Australia hasn't taken your accent just yet.

Of course, the really important question is: have you actually played a game of Yahtzee yet, or do you still use the name without being fully educated in its meaning?

Very funny stuff. :D

yahtzee is a fookin genius. Thanks to the boys at penny arcade for turning me on to his video review. ALL HAIL TWING TWANG!

Registered to commend you on a fantastic video. Jesus, that was hilarious. (son of god rips it up)

Good video! Yet, I think I'm going to ask for subtitiles... with zero punctuation. :D

man, your reviews are truely awesome!
keep 'em coming! :)

Congratulations on your debut, Yahtz!

His games are pretty damned fun too - if you like adventure games. Reminded me a lot of DOTT, and the classic Sierra stuff (Most of which I've played).

Hey look, another person who registered to say how awesome this is!

This really has to be one of the best game videos I've ever seen

Please, don't crush my dreams that out there, somewhere, is a woman who is both beautiful AND brilliant. They exist in books! And in movies! Inspiration had to come from somewhere!

she's taken ;)

Twing-Twang is a "game" that the "Parkinsons Kiss Cat Girl" plays in which she shoots her bow (crossbow) and wins by killing people.

I bought the game just to know what it is.....Though the motion sensing arrows/bolt/everything you can throw is awesome.

BTW, KICK ASS REVIEW. Keep them coming.

according to wiki, twing tawng is what the "thing" calls archery

Heavenly Sword looks insanely stupid (almost as insane and as stupid as I am *duhurr*) in so many ways.
Unless the comment about lesbian cunnilingus is true...
I have to admit, that I never got through RE:4, because I got so frustrated with the camera angle flaws and not being able to attack while moving. Seriously, WHAT THE F**K is up with that? It's like playing a carnival game except no stuffed monkey.

Heavenly Sword looks insanely stupid (almost as insane and as stupid as I am *duhurr*) in so many ways.
Unless the comment about lesbian cunnilingus is true...
I have to admit, that I never got through RE:4, because I got so frustrated with the camera angle flaws and not being able to attack while moving. Seriously, WHAT THE F**K is up with that? It's like playing a carnival game except no stuffed monkey.

i dunno, if you actually spend some time trying to figure out the controls to the game it becomes quite fun. its alot like god of war, but with the appeal of a female lead.

Quite funny and very informative for the critically thoughtful gamer.

By the way: as much as I currently despise Capcom with their recent Resident Evil disasters, if they throw out a black comic relief character in Resident Evil 5 whilst taking place in Africa, I'm starting a strike.

This was a great review of the demo

PLEAAAAAAAAASE review the full game. Its got some really fun shit in it, especially that TWING TWANG which I thought at first would destroy the games fun factor completely.. but with a bit of practice its the dogs balls as Yahtzee would say.. I hope he agrees !

Shooting dudes in the arse, back, head, knackers, feet, legs with slow motion, motion sensor controlled explosion-from-flame-capable arrows is a hell of a lot of fun, especially when they react accordingly in glorious 3D !

i cant wait to see the masses at capcoms office sayin' "the hell iz this?"
twing twang....just felt like saying it

Two points of criticism. Nariko actually has two swords as far as I remember. She wasn't defenseless before using the Ring of Power... ehm... Heavenly Sword. This elegantly blends with my second point: the is three combat stances in the game (I think in the demo too?). Using only the Heavenly Sword is one of them. Using each stance at the right time against the right opponent at least delivers some depth... as far as I know more than God of War. With the right attack it is easy to dispose of the mentioned hat-bearers. Hardly any senseless button mashing, although the strategic aspect only really comes into play in Hell Mode... wonder where I've heard something like that before...

Barlog cannot sue another Playstation title, right? Hmm...


I had watched the zero punctuation demo awhile back and enjoyed the experience. Recently I just bought this game used for pretty cheap and played it all the way through and to my surprise actually enjoyed it. But something stood out that made me laugh out loud quite a bit. At the 3 minute mark of this video he mentions that Nariko cuts the rope of this huge column and crushes soldiers below "doing manly things such as arm wrestling and grunting". To my surprise I made it to the level eventually he played in the demo, and I bursted out laughing when to my surprise you cut the rope to this huge column and guys are actually below grunting and arm wrestling. Anyway I laughed...

Ok now I bored myself. Good Luck out there everyone.

a transcript to all of us who love yahtzee but sometimes he talks too fast for out slow brains.

And does anyone understand or know how to spell the reference to Nariko's hair O_O
the best I could come up with was "taechilatelly"

Edit: Thx for the spelling correction Tagliatelle = flat ribbion like pasta

Oh and for the RE 5 part

white as the "iven" snow is all I can make out, does anyone know???

Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff

At the end of July, a demo of the PS3 exclusive hacky slashy Maim-a-Thon, Heavenly Sword, by developers Ninja Theory, was released on the PS3 online market place thing. The game is luckily described as not merely a game but a martial arts drama in the guise of a game, But enough quoting from the Wikipedia page. Let's see what the demo has to show for itself.

The game, sorry, martial arts drama is named after the weapon wield by the main character, extremely western looking woman with extremely Japanese sounding name du jour, Nariko. Although if you look closely you'll notice that most of the time the heavenly sword is actually two swords, plural. Perhaps because developers felt they weren't being enough like God of War.

Nariko certainly wears roughly the same amount of clothing as Kratos, in that she's one protruding nail away from a Boris Vallejo painting. But after that the developers seem to go out of their way to defy the comparison. Kratos is possessed of no hair and a Y chromosome, Nariko has no Y chromosome and hair growing out about eight feet long, which flows jerkily behind her like a rope made out of dried tagliatelle. The whole effect does not so much as scream battle-hardened swords woman, as it does the phrase "Try and pull this one off, Cosplayers."

Anyway, the Heavenly Sword S demo uses the bold story-telling technique known as telling us "Bugger all," and throws us right into the game in medias res. We see Nariko standing on a cliff, looking down upon some prime river side property, soliloquizing some motivation concerning her father, and revenge, and how the place below her is full of evil dudes she intends to slit up. Of course at this point we only have her word for that. For all we know it's actually a puppy obedience school with an unusually large security detail. But what the hell, ok.

Nariko then turns to some...thing, sitting vacantly nearby wearing cat ears and makeup apparently applied by a KISS fan with Parkinson's disease, and relays to it her intention to slit up evil dudes. She then adds, with a totally straight face, "We may need you to play Twing-Twang." My first thought, when I heard that, was, "I am so going to quote that out of context." But on reflection it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in context either. If the developers were hoping I would consider buying the full game to find out what Twing-Twang is, then mission fucking accomplished, I suppose. But I'm going to be very disappointed if it isn't a cutsie euphemism for lesbian cunalingus. Yeah, I went there.

Moving on, our first taste of interactivity comes as we walk Nariko up to a support rope and press X when the game invites us to, at which point she starts running along it towards the compound. And the God of War comparisons return like a half brick to the skull, when the game has us do the whole button mashing reflex tester thing. I follow the games orders like a well trained west highland terrier and end up on a narrow rocky spire that despite its height and remoteness is judged strategically important enough to have an entire regiment standing on it. And so I have to stop mocking the game for pointless nitpicks and move on to the make or break part of a fighting game, the combat.

Nariko is swiftly surrounded on all sides, by about ten million guards, so I immediately leap into action and mash random buttons on the controller as fast as I can. I didn't really have much of a strategy in mind but it seemed that Nariko was interpreting my button pressing as more of a helpful suggestion then an order anyway. She jumps around with her under dressed under nourished form, spinning all over the place like a bunch of coat hangers in a dryer. But the attacks feel laborious, and it seems to take a lot of blows to bring down each individual enemy. Especially when the guys with big hats show up who block nearly every move. Once or twice the game took control to show Nariko doing a quick fatality move on some poor twit. But the moments when she did this, didn't seem to have any particular connection to the buttons I was mashing at the time. At this point the only drama in this martial arts drama was whether or not I was going to be able to finish off the crowd before my thumbs fell off.

Eventually I killed everyone on the big tall spire. And since Nariko wasn't quite finished expressing her death wish, she then cut the support ropes that held up the big stone errection, and rode it down to the ground, where it collapsed upon a bunch of soldiers who were doing manly things, like arm wrestling and grunting. And if you're seeing a sort of Freudian motif going on here, then rest assured you're not the only one. Another armed horde falls upon Nariko and another less precarious battle takes place. And as soon as it's over the demo ends. ... That's all there is.

It's difficult to tell with a demo this short, but somehow I don't feel that the that Heavenly SwordS is going to light the world on fire or be the kind of exclusive title the PS3 needs right now. It's difficult to have faith in a developer that feels the optimum amount of game play time for a demo is barely enough to boil an egg. It's so short that I'm left with nothing else to say about it.

So let's talk about the Resident Evil 5 trailer instead. The video depicts a white as the driven snow main character from a previous Resident Evil game, in this case Chris Redfield (who has apparently been making an income on the side smuggling cantaloupe melons in his upper arms), entering an obviously foreign and tangibly dirty peasant village, and getting attacked by a scythe and pitchfork wielding mob of bewitched locals. And if this sounds familiar to you then you've probably played Resident Evil 4. Which also began with a white as the driven snow main character from a previous Resident Evil game entering an obviously foreign and tangibly dirty etc etc.

I wasn't really expecting them to deviate too much a format that has proved wildly successful, but Jesus Christ guys, you could at least try to mix it up. Judging by the game play shown in the trailer that too hasn't changed much, and their still maintaining the fine Resident Evil tradition of dialogue written by a twelve year old ADD sufferer locked in a room with a pile of Buffy the Vampire slayer comic books. But I've danced around the major issue long enough, so let's talk about the hot spicy racism.

Capcom has rather shot themselves in the foot by having the peasants this time around being African, thus prompting the inevitable demented honking from the politically correct. In an admittedly weak defense of Capcom, Resident Evil 4 wasn't any less racist really, what with all the Spaniard murdering and characters unironically using the expression "Ay yai yai." But poverty stricken Africans are a somewhat different kettle of fish to greasy mainland Europeans. Still the games are after all made by the Japanese, and everyone knows what a bunch of xenophobic dicks they are.

Part of me feels that, from an artistic stand point, there may be some merit in RE 5, because the point of a horror game is to be unnerving, and forcing a player to do something distasteful as well as frightening is a rather ground breaking method of doing that. But then again, this is Resident Evil, the series that brought us a squeaky voiced midget Napoleon, and if there's sophisticated in an idea of theirs, it's probably a total accident. There tends to be a knee jerk reaction toward perceived racism in these days, regardless of intent or irony. And I don't think we need to start worrying about RE 5 until they break out the fried chicken.

And does anyone understand or know how to spell the reference to Nariko's hair O_O
the best I could come up with was "taechilatelly"


hey y does the vid autoplay when i embed it on my page and is it possible to fix this? ty in advance for ne help:)

I wonder if Yahtzee knew how famous he'd get, starting from this one (or his first review, on youtube)?

I agree with Yahtzee. We still don't know a lot of RE5, so it's best if we wait what plans Capcom has for it.

The Japanese are not xenophobic dicks and you deserve to die... OK, not really.

I have some Japanese friends and I must say this much. They have the world's most overrated video gaming ego. How can I say this? I've yet to lose to one that I willingly went up against. Did I enjoy it? What do you think.

I find that the animations make the videos that much better to be honest.
And I know some Chinese kids who accept their heritage as gaming masters and put all their victories down to it. I feel better knowing that they most definatly have tiny cocks.

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