Zero Punctuation: The Witcher

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The "Intro Theater" bit was bloody brilliant.

SilentScope001:
Btw...

I finally found a LEGIT Article that criticizes The Witcher. It also talks about the story too, so maybe you might find it interesting.

http://www.gamedaily.com/games/the-witcher/pc/game-reviews/review/3106/1830/

It's hard to care about the story or any of the characters. Even though the game graphics generate some pretty good looking characters, they all lack facial expressions, and most don't even use hand gestures. With that said, characters rattle off lines while staring blankly into space, like statues with moving mouths. This game even has the silly role-playing convention where players can walk into any house and poke through the cupboards, cabinets and chests to take anything they please without repercussions. Then toss in the side story about non-human races like Dwarves and Elves forming guerilla squads against humans, and the narrative becomes almost impossible to take seriously, especially since the humans nicknamed these groups "squirrels."

And only 3% of the people who read that article agreed with it. The other 97% asked for the reviewer to be fired for ineptness. ;)

Kadayi:

SilentScope001:
Btw...

I finally found a LEGIT Article that criticizes The Witcher. It also talks about the story too, so maybe you might find it interesting.

http://www.gamedaily.com/games/the-witcher/pc/game-reviews/review/3106/1830/

It's hard to care about the story or any of the characters. Even though the game graphics generate some pretty good looking characters, they all lack facial expressions, and most don't even use hand gestures. With that said, characters rattle off lines while staring blankly into space, like statues with moving mouths. This game even has the silly role-playing convention where players can walk into any house and poke through the cupboards, cabinets and chests to take anything they please without repercussions. Then toss in the side story about non-human races like Dwarves and Elves forming guerilla squads against humans, and the narrative becomes almost impossible to take seriously, especially since the humans nicknamed these groups "squirrels."

And only 3% of the people who read that article agreed with it. The other 97% asked for the reviewer to be fired for ineptness. ;)

Now it's 4%. :)

Honestly, why do people scream when someone disagrees with them? Sounds utterly useless. [snips argument where I try to argue that the game is in fact bad because I realize that just hypocritical, but I have read the storyline and didn't like it]

Fun is relative, guys!

First impressions are good enough. One does not need to eat an entire egg to know that it is rotten.

I registered just to say, you know, we use the word "genius" today with abandon, but for you, the word falls short. By a lot. A LOT. Mega-props from across the seas to a guy who is so damn incredible he needs a new f-ing word to describe how awesome he is.

hahaha!!! its true, all true, i hope there'll be a call of duty 4 reveiw, i actually really like that game! :)

I'd actually like to see Yahtzee review No More Heroes. It's defiinitely the kind of quirky title that needs to be reviewed by him.

Ghandi 2:
I don't get the bit at the end. Besides that I didn't think it was very funny (I saw the resume joke coming from a mile away), not to discourage Yahtzee from trying new things, was that from Painkiller or The Witcher? If it was from Painkiller, why was it included?

ya WTF is with the extra?
it sounded like a skit by monty python!

u plaguerist

u should review a game from the prince of persia series, like the 2 thrones

Vitalix:
First impressions are good enough. One does not need to eat an entire egg to know that it is rotten.

This is a game, not food. The same with movies, books, CDs, theatre... Whoever said that you could give an honest review of any of these forms of entertainment without experiencing the entire product is a fool. Does anybody remember Jedi Knight 2: Jedi Outcast? That starts out EXTREMELY SLOW. I'ts around the 4th stage or so that you get you're hands on a lightsabre and some force powers, afterwards the game truely shines. Now think of a review of that game where the reviewer didn't have the patience to get past the first 4 stages... Missinformation is a dull affair indeed.

hey, to all the mmorpg fans out there i bet the witcher is a good game. the problem is that most sane people don't have the time, pacience or interest to devote their life to a video game.

laikenf:

Vitalix:
First impressions are good enough. One does not need to eat an entire egg to know that it is rotten.

This is a game, not food. The same with movies, books, CDs, theatre... Whoever said that you could give an honest review of any of these forms of entertainment without experiencing the entire product is a fool. Does anybody remember Jedi Knight 2: Jedi Outcast? That starts out EXTREMELY SLOW. I'ts around the 4th stage or so that you get you're hands on a lightsabre and some force powers, afterwards the game truely shines. Now think of a review of that game where the reviewer didn't have the patience to get past the first 4 stages... Missinformation is a dull affair indeed.

Starting slow is not the problem...the clunky controls and menus and needlessly dragged out areas of gameplay design that make the game feel like work are what keeps this game around a 5-7.

justdan:
I registered just to say, you know, we use the word "genius" today with abandon, but for you, the word falls short. By a lot. A LOT. Mega-props from across the seas to a guy who is so damn incredible he needs a new f-ing word to describe how awesome he is.

I'll second that. Not because I agree with everything said, just because he makes truly amazing reviews that express his personal beliefs. Not the beliefs of the people paying him. :D

Yahtzee, I'm a big fan of your work and I can't possibly blame you that you didn't get what The Witcher was all about. Your "first impression" was hilarious and for the most part coincides with my first impreesion of the game being a wacky bitch to handle.
However, a while back when you talked about the games-R-art hippies vs. the consoletards with the attention span of a fruit fly, I was left with the impression that you leaned towards ascribing yourself the former group, because you said you liked the game in question for what it tried to achieve rather than being put off by its shortcomings.
That's why I don't get this "review". The Witcher, however unorthodox, is one of the most rewarding games I've played in ages, but it doesn't give up the prize easily. It requires quite an effort on the player's part, and, granted, you have better things to do with your time than dig up diamonds in a digital pile of shit, the honest thing to do would be to give it a closer (or at least a lenghtier) look. The way it stands it's just unprofessional on your part. Or maybe you did find some of its redeeming qualities and have explicitly chosen not to mention them? Now that would be plain crass.
Of course, everyone's entitled to an opinion, it's just that yours matters to a lot of people.

The Painkiller bit on the other hand was pure genius!

>Not because I agree with everything said, just because he makes truly amazing reviews that express his
>personal beliefs.Not the beliefs of the people paying him. :D

Are you sure? He said in one of his first reviews - "I learned from my Psychonauts review that nobody likes me when I'm being nice to a game".

When the monkey gallery jumps and shrieks with approval (I count myself there ;) the more mean he is and that turns into more page hits for The Escapist, don't you think he would feel a little pressure to continue looking for bad things in all games rather than good? And isn't that also selling out a little bit, though it is giving the viewers exactly what they want rather than the publishers?

Yahtzee obviously didn't like the game, couldn't get into it and thusly found it a huge waste of his time. It seems like everyone here either appreciates his humour (myself included) or is being unkind and denigrating about the review. Where did it say you had to agree with his reviews? If you want say, "Hey, I thought the witcher was damn fun!" go ahead, don't whine that his review was bad because you enjoyed the game, it's a matter of preference. His review illustrated some of the points that made it unenjoyable for him, but you might think it doesn't sound too bad.
Hell, I love JRPGs which Yahtzee's stated he hates, (although he agrees with me that Earthbound rocks). Am I mad he trashed the entire genre I love? No, so what? You need to learn to treat each review as a single individual's opinion, you can let it influence you to buy a game or not, but realize that you don't have to agree to be entertained by it. I still believe these to be serious reviews and no less professional than any other, but they're also enjoyable just as entertainment pieces regardless.
And when you bitch about him being mean to everything, well yes, he can be. He can also treat a game well, like Portal for instance. Hell, if he had been doing these back when Silent Hill 2 came out I'd bet that he'd give it a pretty good review, although I can imagine him pointing out the fact that James steers like a drunken cow most of the time. We actually learn more about whether or not we'd like a game by listing it's negative points. I've read reviews calling something stellar, but upon buying the game I find the controls suck and the combat is frustrating, and I sit there wishing I'd been warned. Yahtzee is telling me all the things he found frustrating in a game, and I can gauge by these points whether or not it's something I'd still want to give a go.
So it has some slogging through hordes of monsters to collect pointless artifacts? Okay, sure, I can handle that, after all I play a lot of JRPGs. Are the controls overly complex and make the learning difficulty of a game spike wildly into the heavens? No thanks, I'll try something else. I find these reviews endlessly entertaining, and they give me cautions about why I might not like a game, but I can pick and choose whether or not those points will detract from the experience for me.
So cut him some slack. Don't expect to always agree with him, and when you don't just shrug it off and at least try to laugh. And if you can't....well, I suggest you pulling your head out of your ass first, it might help.

Silverookami
I like RPGs and I find the witcher average....hell most JRPGs are grind whores now a days theres lil fun to be had its all about power grinding for one thing or another and strategy in combat is mindless button whacking..or in FF12s case let it play with itself wat the hell happened to FF the equipment ,spells and items were once upon a time the best in RPGs and now its MMO style water torture....uuhgggg

Silverookami

I don't think people object to him reviewing or the game, but he hardly delved into it and it's not really enough to put the disclaimer 'first impressions' on the review and think that gives a license to rip into it at length. The disappointment for those of us who have played the game through is that in our eyes he's missing a treat, because the game delivers the very sort of game play experiences he was bemoaning weren't in Fable, or Mass Effect (choices...that actually matter). Sure, The Witcher isn't perfect, but the picture painted is more than unfair, and the fact is that lots of people are going to be put off of buying the game, simply because the guy dismissed it so thoroughly. It's unfair to the developers and unfair to the viewers.

Kadayi:
Silverookami

I don't think people object to him reviewing or the game, but he hardly delved into it and it's not really enough to put the disclaimer 'first impressions' on the review and think that gives a license to rip into it at length. The disappointment for those of us who have played the game through is that in our eyes he's missing a treat, because the game delivers the very sort of game play experiences he was bemoaning weren't in Fable, or Mass Effect (choices...that actually matter). Sure, The Witcher isn't perfect, but the picture painted is more than unfair, and the fact is that lots of people are going to be put off of buying the game, simply because the guy dismissed it so thoroughly. It's unfair to the developers and unfair to the viewers.

It is perfectly fair to the devs who failed to help or encourage Yahtzee to get the treat in the first couple of hours, never mind in the first 30 minutes.

Chis:
Another excellent review, convinced me not to bother with The Witcher and just give Fallout 2 and Planescape: Torment more time instead.

This was only let down by featuring one of the worst bands to come from America. The Offspring are the worst kind of emo-rock/grunge, not that there is such a thing as "good emo-rock". But considering how much Yahtzee hates The Witcher, perhaps it's appropriate...

And the Painkiller section, I hope it's an ode to how crap the game itself is. Not a successful addition, IMHO, unless you really do find cheap blowjob gags that funny.

The Offspring aren't emo, you twit, they're post-grunge/punk revival. Emo is horrors like Fall Out Boy and Rites of Spring.

On a side note, I'd like to say it's ridiculous to write a character who looks like Kain from Blood Omen and wears a Cenobite leather dress as a stud.

For the most part, I'm enjoying The Witcher, but come on. It has its flaws. The dialogue is often outright bizarre, the voice acting is awful and the protagonist (who ISN'T Elric - just some other lanky white-haired brooding antihero nicknamed White Wolf) earns sexy trading cards by sleeping with anything that moves. It's an enjoyable RPG, but sometimes it crosses the line into unintentional comedy.

that was really good *wipes tears*
wtf was that at the end? :D

ZippyDSMlee:
Silverookami
I like RPGs and I find the witcher average....hell most JRPGs are grind whores now a days theres lil fun to be had its all about power grinding for one thing or another and strategy in combat is mindless button whacking..or in FF12s case let it play with itself wat the hell happened to FF the equipment ,spells and items were once upon a time the best in RPGs and now its MMO style water torture....uuhgggg

Okay, I can admit that nowadays a lot of the JRPGs are more about cashing in and grinding through 40 hours of game play, but I still find them preferable to their American counterparts, I can handle playing through slogging battles because I find the backstories and characters more interesting than the traditional heroes in American games who tend to be super soldier buff men, bland impersonal dumbasses, or women with a surplus of boobs and loose morals, which being a chick myself I find hardly appealing. (although I can admit JRPs find giving women huge boobies just as fascinating.)
None of this changes the fact that I still love JRPGs, although I think they probably climaxed back with Earthbound.

Just chiming in to say that Witcher is in fact one of the best PC RPG's ever made. If you like games such as Baldur's Gate 2, Planescape:Torment, KOTOR and so forth, chances are you'd like this.

The controls and UI aren't bad at all actually, if only in that there are too many alchemy components for too few inventory slots.

Best part are the story and how your decisions in the game will shape it.. that's pretty special, or at least feels like it.

Kadayi:
Silverookami

I don't think people object to him reviewing or the game, but he hardly delved into it and it's not really enough to put the disclaimer 'first impressions' on the review and think that gives a license to rip into it at length. The disappointment for those of us who have played the game through is that in our eyes he's missing a treat, because the game delivers the very sort of game play experiences he was bemoaning weren't in Fable, or Mass Effect (choices...that actually matter). Sure, The Witcher isn't perfect, but the picture painted is more than unfair, and the fact is that lots of people are going to be put off of buying the game, simply because the guy dismissed it so thoroughly. It's unfair to the developers and unfair to the viewers.

I feel the same way too man. First impressions? and then he trashes it like if he already knows the game? For the record Iv'e yet to play the Witcher so I don't know how good or bad it actually is, but that's beyond the point. My point is and will remain being that to honestly review a game you must play AT LEAST 85% of it, otherwise you will not have a clue if the game is repetitive, long, short, boring, fun; you won't have a clue of how the game progresses (game progression is an essential trait on any RPG), you won't know if the game is rewarding or not, you won't know how good or bad the pacing is, see where I'm getting? I take Yahtzee's reviews by what they are: they are not reviews (or at least not the one for the Witcher) they are jokes, it's like M.A.D. magazine, even the advertising is not really advertising, just plain jokes. But that's where the problem lies; I said it before and I will say it again: a lot of people go to review sites to get an idea if a game they want to purchase is worth it or not, and whether some of you guys agree with me or not the fact is that Mr. Yahtzee could be quite misleading sometimes. I must admit that I've had my share of laughs with Yahtzee, but while laughing I can't help but notice all of the above, I mean he is funny indeed, but that doesn't mean that his "reviews" are always spot on, to the contrary, I often find that he could be as wrong as other reviewrs on the net. Reviews always come down to two things: personal preferences, and the publishers agenda.

painkiller

love/hate

like marmite

Blah. He obviously doesn't like games with "WORDS". (see: RPGs, be them western or otherwise)

The Witcher has some real flaws, but it didn't deserve this. If anything, the fact that he didn't mention that truly awful load times is an indication of where he wanted to go with the review. Yes, the language and sexuality are overplayed and detract from the experience. (IMO) The fact remains that the storyline is actually pretty good, the combat not nearly so dull as he indicates, and the overall complexity really isn't so hard a concept to grasp.

Not perfect, by any means, but a good showing in the recent dearth of CRPG titles.

So what if he didn't get far into the game? Okay, it might skew the review slightly, I can agree on that, but it's still about his personal experience.
I agree with his basic sentiment. If I'm sitting there in front of a game and realizing that I am literally wasting precious moments of my life I could better use to do something useful or at least entertaining, I'm not about to shrug and say "well gee, another couple hours wasted pointlessly being bored sounds like a capital idea!" in reality at that point I turn the computer/console off and run off to hock the game at EBGames. If you're not in any way enjoying yourself why continue to move ponderously forward? I don't think it's too much to ask a game to deliver some form of fun or entertainment within the first few hours, it is after all a GAME, and by definition meant to be FUN.
Would you rather he lie about his experience with the game? I'd much rather an honest opinion on the game, even if it happens to be a bad one.

Silverookami:
So what if he didn't get far into the game? Okay, it might skew the review slightly, I can agree on that, but it's still about his personal experience.
I agree with his basic sentiment. If I'm sitting there in front of a game and realizing that I am literally wasting precious moments of my life I could better use to do something useful or at least entertaining, I'm not about to shrug and say "well gee, another couple hours wasted pointlessly being bored sounds like a capital idea!" in reality at that point I turn the computer/console off and run off to hock the game at EBGames. If you're not in any way enjoying yourself why continue to move ponderously forward? I don't think it's too much to ask a game to deliver some form of fun or entertainment within the first few hours, it is after all a GAME, and by definition meant to be FUN.
Would you rather he lie about his experience with the game? I'd much rather an honest opinion on the game, even if it happens to be a bad one.

Yeah but he's supposedly a professional reviewer, you know, he does it for a living. So yeah, I do expect reviewers (him) to PLAY the game (it's his job, not a bad one if you asked me). So now these reviewers are supposed to see a movie, walk out 30 mins. in and then trash it? Don't review it then.

yep its crap. agreed

thank god i got a lausy collecters edition WTF!!! argggggg

just as crappy as Two worlds, collectors edition i got a
letter opener with it, its more like a daggert. jezz.

The most ridiculous thing I find is the comments on "One-click combat." if you want to get advanced, click it again? Did you even play it past the intro video or what? Thats not how the combat works at all. It may be simple, and doesn't really involve any more than some clicking, but if you only click once, or dare try to be advanced and click two times. You will stand there and get beat down like the fool you are.
Of course the game has its flaws, don't they all. Its fun to pick on them even to those who may enjoy a game. You seem to think now that your fame in this is all you need and you can do these without even any actual idea of what you're talking about?
And seriously come on... Regardless of how thick the instruction manual is, you don't have to flip it open. I had no difficulty picking the game up as it went along, on the normal difficulty, and I'm certainly no genius.

This wasn't even a first impression, you can't review a game, in humour or not by occasionally looking over someone's shoulder as they play it.

Darkvalor:
The most ridiculous thing I find is the comments on "One-click combat." if you want to get advanced, click it again? Did you even play it past the intro video or what? Thats not how the combat works at all. It may be simple, and doesn't really involve any more than some clicking, but if you only click once, or dare try to be advanced and click two times. You will stand there and get beat down like the fool you are.
Of course the game has its flaws, don't they all. Its fun to pick on them even to those who may enjoy a game. You seem to think now that your fame in this is all you need and you can do these without even any actual idea of what you're talking about?
And seriously come on... Regardless of how thick the instruction manual is, you don't have to flip it open. I had no difficulty picking the game up as it went along, on the normal difficulty, and I'm certainly no genius.

This wasn't even a first impression, you can't review a game, in humour or not by occasionally looking over someone's shoulder as they play it.

Man you take so personal. It's a game, not mommy dearest. Perhaps the game is just boring, like Dungeon Siege 2 (which I find uncredibly boring to play...). From different reviews (even the ones that praise the game) there are clearly big flaws in it... I saw some trilers and some youtube movies and the dialogue seemed right out a bad porn flick.

Actually here The Witcher was sold out in 3 different stores I visited. So it might have some good or perhaps the sexual content is the big thing for frustrated nerds...

In any case I am curious enough to buy the Witcher, after all I am a little masochistic. I might like it... perhaps... or maybe I'll cast it down to the flaming pits of Hell together with Dungeon Siege 2.

And in the end... he HAS to trash the game (by law!). That's the fun of it! I do not watch the review to decide which game to buy next, but to have fun.

Like Jessica Rabbit would say: "He makes me laugh" :P

i didnt laughed much butthe twists were good, like this is a mmorpg! and the last part: so stop watching my reviews dad

laikenf:

Silverookami:
So what if he didn't get far into the game? Okay, it might skew the review slightly, I can agree on that, but it's still about his personal experience.
I agree with his basic sentiment. If I'm sitting there in front of a game and realizing that I am literally wasting precious moments of my life I could better use to do something useful or at least entertaining, I'm not about to shrug and say "well gee, another couple hours wasted pointlessly being bored sounds like a capital idea!" in reality at that point I turn the computer/console off and run off to hock the game at EBGames. If you're not in any way enjoying yourself why continue to move ponderously forward? I don't think it's too much to ask a game to deliver some form of fun or entertainment within the first few hours, it is after all a GAME, and by definition meant to be FUN.
Would you rather he lie about his experience with the game? I'd much rather an honest opinion on the game, even if it happens to be a bad one.

Yeah but he's supposedly a professional reviewer, you know, he does it for a living. So yeah, I do expect reviewers (him) to PLAY the game (it's his job, not a bad one if you asked me). So now these reviewers are supposed to see a movie, walk out 30 mins. in and then trash it? Don't review it then.

If a reviewer was giving their first impressions, then they'd certainly be justified in commenting on those first thirty minutes.

Ok, listen you band of numbskulls who didn't play The Witcher:

1. The combat it "time-click" - don't know what it is? Your fault.
1a. The control/combat is clunky? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Morons.
2. The dialoges are cut in the english version - the work by Atari.
3. "First Impression"? Then why the hell does he call it a review? Where?
At 3:30, where he says that "you might have a better time if you're incredibly boring and haven't had a sexual encounter in decades". And then he says that if that is the case, his dad should stop watching his reviews!
4. THIS IS, IN NOW WAY A MMORPG. In the game there are the quests in the: main plot, side quests and side quests #2. He apperently played the last because does are the "go there/ kill xxx of xxx".
5. Why am I so pissed? Because Witcher is buggy and has it flaws BUT what Yahtzee mentions is partly made up.

The same as Two Worlds? Jesus Christ...

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